by Amiee Louise
“You’re going to tell me what happened, Harper, even if I have to fucking force it out of you.”
I groan. She is calling me by my surname, so I know she is serious.
“My head hurts.”
Ruby smirks. “Too much to drink? Yeah, me too, I was sipping strong black coffee and in the shower for a while before I even started to feel normal again. It was a pretty crazy night.”
I flop down on the sofa and groan. “You’re telling me.”
Ruby brings in the coffees and puts the cups down on the table.
“Come on then, spill the beans, babe.”
Just like that, it all comes tumbling out: Sam being in rehab, Savannah’s presence, J.D threats, catching Sam and Brody doing drugs, and the kiss with Seb. The morning goes by in a haze of tears and confessions. By lunchtime, I have got it all off my chest, showered, and have started to feel a little more like my usual self.
The phone and the buzzer stopped ringing a while ago, so I assume I’m safe, for now at least. I dread to think of the headlines when I finally bring myself to look at the papers and the Internet. I am in the kitchen making more coffee when the door knocks.
“I’ll get it.” Ruby jumps up and goes to answer the door.
“Hey, Ruby, is Peyton here? I really need to see her.”
It’s Sam. Oh, shit. She looks him up and down with a look of disgust on her face. I quietly rush into my bedroom but watch through the crack in the doorway. His muscular body fills the doorframe, and he leans into the flat. I can’t face him, not after last night. I saw a completely different side of Sam and found out things about him that I didn’t like one bit.
“She doesn’t want to see you or speak to you, Sam, she is really upset.”
He hangs his head. “I know, but I need to see her. It’s important. I fucked up so bad, and I need to apologise.”
His voice sounds desperate and pleading. I start to soften towards him, and my heart constricts at hearing the hurt in his voice. Ruby steps out of the doorway and lets him into the flat. She closes the door, and he still looks awkward standing in our small compact flat. He tucks his hands into his pockets, and Ruby stands with her hands on her hips. She frowns and narrows her eyes at him. By the look on her face, I know she is about to lay into him good and proper. Christ, this isn’t going to be pretty.
“You know, we made a pact after Callum cheated on her. She shed so many fucking tears over him, we promised each other that day that we would never shed any more tears over guys ever again. It’s not worth it. Ever since you breezed into her life with your leather and your tattoos, all she does is cry and doubt herself. She thinks I don’t know, but I hear her sobbing, and she can’t know that I know. She hates burdening other people with her problems, and she hates making people worry. But you’ve caused all this, Sam, you.”
She moves closer to him, so they are toe to toe, her frame slight compared to his muscular one. She looks up at him and jabs her finger in his chest.
“Now, you make it fucking right, or I swear to God, I will kill you if you ever hurt her again. Are we clear?”
Sam doesn’t defend himself, and he nods, hanging his head to the floor. Boy, does that girl know how to intimidate a man! I am suitably impressed!
“I’ll go and get her. Don’t blame me if she doesn’t want to talk to you.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I hear Ruby’s footsteps across the flat. I quickly lie down on my bed not trying to make it too obvious that I was at the door all along listening. She taps the door softly.
“Babe, Sam’s here. Can I come in?”
I clear my throat to say, “Yeah.”
She comes in and sits down on the edge of my bed.
“If you don’t want to talk to him, I can tell him to leave.”
I look at her.
“He looks like shit if it’s any consolation!” she says with a laugh, and I smile.
“I’ll see him. I need to hear him out.”
Ruby takes my hand in hers. “If you’re absolutely sure, babe?”
Nodding, I relent, “Yeah, I’m sure.”
Ruby smiles sympathetically, and she pulls me to my feet. She fixes my hair and smoothes out my clothes.
“If you need me, I’ll be in my room. I need to call Jax.”
She hugs me tightly, kisses me gently on the forehead, and we leave my bedroom. I see him standing in the living room, and Ruby was right—he does look like shit. His hair is flat and un-styled, he has black bags underneath his eyes, he looks deathly pale, and he still hasn’t shaved. He looks up from the floor and into my eyes. His eyes don’t have their usual sparkle, and my heart constricts. Ruby sees the silent gesture between us, and she goes into her room shutting the door behind her.
“I’m so fucking sorry, babe, I had to see you,” he says, his voice barely a whisper and pained. It takes everything I have not to break down in front of him.
“I need you to know I never meant for any of that to happen.”
“First, your sister turns up and makes me feel about two feet tall, then I find out you were in rehab. What happened to honesty, Sam? It’s like everyone else knew but me. I feel so fucking humiliated, naïve, and stupid for trusting a word you’ve ever said.”
He walks towards me, and I take a step back.
“No, Sam, don’t. I can’t be near you right now.”
He stops.
“I love you so much, angel, you need to know that.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, and I hate my emotions for betraying me. Even mad at him I just want to run up to him and wrap my arms around him. I know I have to stop being so soft where men are concerned, and I take a deep breath. Grow some balls, Harper.
“I’m not sure I can be with you, Sam, not after last night. I saw a completely different side of you, a side that I really didn’t like.”
My heart is breaking inside, but I know this is the only option. He shakes his head.
“Please, Peyton, don’t leave me, you can’t leave me. I’m nothing without you. Having you in my life has completely changed my perspective on everything. You’ve shown me how to love and be loved in return. Last night was just a blip, I never meant for it to happen. I just needed … I needed something to take the edge off.” His voice is pleading, and his eyes glaze over. I hold my finger up.
“You could have talked to me! You didn’t have to do that. How do you think I felt walking in on you and Brody?”
He hangs his head, and I can see him trembling.
“I know it must have been hard for you, but in this industry, you have to accept the darker side of fame. I know it’s not an excuse, but you have to believe that it won’t ever happen again, you have my word.”
He steps closer to me, and his tall frame towers over me. He tips my chin up, and I look at him. I see the anguish and pain in his eyes, and it’s more than I can bear. A tear rolls down my cheek.
“Please don’t cry, angel, you’re fucking shredding me,” he whispers and kisses my tears away. I close my eyes, relishing his touch and the effect it has on me.
“Look how good we are together, Peyton; I’m so in love with you. How many times do I have to prove myself to you?”
I suddenly come to my senses, and the voice in my head takes over. He lied to you, and you kissed Seb. My eyes fly open and I back away from him.
“You need to leave now.”
His eyes widen. “Peyton, I understand that you’re mad, but please, please don’t do this. I’m willing to die trying for you. I’m nothing without you; you make me a better person.”
I shake my head. “Please, just go,” I choke out.
“Not until you’ve fucking heard me out.”
I know I promised I would hear him out, but even being in the same room as him right now is too much for me to handle. Every time he is near me I lose my mind. I know I have to stand my ground or I’ll cave, and I’ll be a slave to him just from him being near me.
“I just want you to fucking leave!” I screa
m, and Ruby rushes out into the living room.
“What the fuck is going on? What have you said to her? You said you’d make it right, you prick,” she shouts, and Sam doesn’t say anything. “I think you should leave right now and don’t come back.”
I am sobbing uncontrollably, and the tears won’t stop. Sam looks at me and a tear rolls down his cheek. He leans in to kiss me on the cheek.
“Just you, Peyton, I love you. I’ll always love you, please don’t ever forget that.”
He strokes my cheek. With those words, he turns, walks out of the flat, and out of my life for good this time.
A few hours later, the dramas of the day seem to have calmed down. My tears have finally subsided, now I just feel numb after saying goodbye to the one good thing to happen in my life for a long time. Ruby and I are on the sofa with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a Channing Tatum DVD fest, and a bottle of wine. I haven’t heard from Sam since he left the flat earlier and I’m nursing a shattered heart. I think I’m in the pits of hell; he was the first man since Callum that I let into my heart and into my bed. I didn’t think it was possible to hurt this badly; the pain I felt after Callum pales in comparison to how I feel now. I fell head over heels in love with Sam, but it could never have worked. I never really knew him at all—our lives are total poles apart. He is a famous rock star who lives his life in the public eye and within the glare of the paparazzi’s lens. I can’t live like that; I like the quiet life, surrounded by my family, my friends and the people who mean the most to me.
It is late evening, and the door taps softly. Ruby and I look at each other.
“Do you want me to go? If it’s Sam, I’ll get rid of him.”
I shake my head. “I’ll go.”
I get to my feet and go to answer the door. Danny is on our doorstep waving a bottle of Lambrini and newspaper in the air.
“Oh, my God, baby girl, what the actual fuck happened to you last night? Thank God you’re all right.” He throws his arms around me and squeezes me tightly.
“I’m fine, Danny, honestly.”
He pulls away and looks at me. “I was so worried about you, I called you a thousand times, but your phone was off.”
He barges into the flat. Ruby and I laugh as he sits down on the sofa.
“I bought cheap plonk it’s always good in a crisis!” He puts the newspaper down on the table. “Listen to this!”
I look at the headline ’Is Bolt heading back to rehab?’, and I inwardly cringe at the invasion of Sam’s privacy. How does he deal with living his life under the scrutiny of the press? It can’t be easy on him, and I suddenly feel like I may have been a little too hard on him. Danny begins to read the newspaper article aloud.
“We can exclusively reveal the dark truth of Samson Newbolt. Newbolt, lead singer and frontman of rock band Rancid Vengeance, is at the centre of an all-night booze and cocaine binge. Samson, or Bolt as he is known to his diehard fans, dubbed as rock’s bad boy, could be heading back to rehab because of a drug-and-booze-filled album launch. Rancid Vengeance, whose line up also includes Jackson ‘Flash’ Chase, wild man Brody ‘Snake’ Hart and Lucas ‘Axeman’ Landon, celebrated the band’s tenth-anniversary album launch last night at premiere night spot Neon Nights, owned by playboy Ryan Holmes. Newbolt, who has recently hit the headlines for dating the daughter of 1970’s pin-up model Sophia Bailey, was spotted snorting cocaine and guzzling vodka after an alleged spat with Harper and manager John ‘Johnnie Diamond’ Dalton. In the past, it is widely known of Newbolt’s battle with drugs, severe manic depression, and a previous stint in rehab.” Danny tuts and rolls his eyes. “Where the fuck do they get all this shit from, baby girl?”
I put my hand to my head and flop down on the sofa in-between Ruby and Danny. They both put their arms around me, and I’m glad to have the support of my two best friends.
I spend all day on Sunday hiding out in the flat, vegging out on the sofa, staying away from the newspapers, Internet, and the gossip columns, avoiding my phone like the plague, nursing a broken heart, and catching up on missed sleep. I also spend some well-needed girl time with Ruby. I don’t hear from Sam all day, not until I am ready to crawl into bed that night. I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling, my thoughts racing through my head at a thousand miles per hour, trying to get to sleep and my phone vibrates. I grab it from my bedside table and look at the screen. Sam’s name and a picture I took of him while we were in bed one morning with him looking gorgeous and sleep mussed flashes up. It feels like my heart skips a beat. I open the message.
I miss you so God damn much
S xx
I consider not replying, but he deserves a chance, a chance to explain.
I miss you too
P xx
I do miss him. I miss waking up to him in the mornings. I miss the way his arms feel around me. He completes me—he is the other half of my heart, and I’m willing to let it go all because he decided to keep a secret to himself. I start to think of his previous words, that everyone is entitled to a past, and everyone should be entitled to secrets too. Suddenly, I find myself feeling bad for judging him so harshly. I am about to reply, as my phone vibrates again.
Then come to me, I just want one more night, please.
I want to sleep next to you one more time; I want to feel your heartbeat.
I want your head on my chest and my arms around you. I want to feel your skin against mine.
I want to pretend, just for one night that we didn’t fuck
it all up. That you’re still mine...
S xx
Before I have even finished reading the text, I’m pulling on my clothes. I have to go to him; I can’t stand one more minute without him. I hate myself for being so weak where Sam is concerned, but I can’t deny my feelings for him. Despite all our faults, we are good for each other. I throw some things into my overnight bag and go out into the living room. Ruby is already in bed, so I try to be as quiet as I can. I grab my coat and leave Ruby a neon pink post-it note stuck to the fridge.
Gone to Sam’s
Please don’t worry about me
I promise I will call you tomorrow
P xx
I leave the flat quietly and make my way to the parking garage. I start my car and begin the journey to Sam’s place. Before I know it, I’m pulling into Sam’s parking garage and heading up to his place in the waiting lift. My heart is pounding in my chest as the lift ascends and I’m wondering if he will be pleased to see me. The lift slowly stops, and I step out into the familiar foyer. I walk over to the door and knock gently. Sam answers the door bare-chested, in loose jeans and bare feet—he looks so much better than he did yesterday. He is clean-shaven, and his hair is back to its familiar spiky style. His eyes are back to the same sparkling green as he looks at me, taking me in as if he can’t believe I am actually standing in front of him.
“Angel.”
He wraps me up in his strong, muscular arms, and I wrap my legs around his waist. I can’t get close enough to this gorgeous man. He takes me inside, kicking the door shut behind him, and sets me down on my feet.
“I spent the whole of yesterday in the pits of hell because I thought I’d never see you again.”
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one.
“I’m so sorry. I overreacted, and I didn’t give you a chance to explain properly. Please forgive me.”
He reaches out and strokes my face.
“There’s nothing to forgive, angel, I’m the one who should be on my knees begging you for forgiveness. I lied, and I kept things from you.”
“It’s OK; I just need you to be honest with me. Make me understand, Sam.”
His eyes glaze over, and he nods. “I promise I’ll tell you everything, baby.”
Sam makes us both large mugs of hot chocolate and marshmallows. I smile at his sweet, simple gesture, and we snuggle up on the sofa.
“I still see the papers, the pictures on the Internet, and the news reports today from the day I went into rehab; th
ey still come back and haunt me after all these years. All I want to do is to give that pale, ill, withdrawn, scared, and fucked up kid a hug. Looking back, I think I was actually scared how successful we were becoming—we were invincible, no one would say no to us, whatever we wanted we got it, no questions asked. When I told you that Jax saved me, you have no idea what that boy did for me. Brody and I went on a seventy-two-hour bender, we stumbled from one club to another, they wouldn’t refuse us because we were spending ridiculous amounts of money and they could say that they had celebrities in their club. We were doing speed bombs, popping pills, snorting coke, and drinking, all to excess. Everywhere we went, the press were there, following us, they wouldn’t leave us alone. We were still new to the music industry, we already had an album out, which was doing quite badly at the time and we were about to release a second. We were hot property, so any press coverage was good for our profile.
