I moved again and then I understood.
It was too slow. The mirror sent my image back too slowly. Or it was me to be too fast. Everyone was slow in that room. Slow were the words that were pronounced.
I tried to ask Indira what was happening, but there were no words to get out of my mouth. I was shocked and I made a high-pitched noise.
“Calm down”, she said. “Remain calm and keep thinking. Think that it’s necessary, you can save him only this way. You understand, don’t you?”
Diego, my son. Yes, I knew it. But why would I have to save him? He was fine, He had never been so perfect. It was Indira who seemed to have a foot in the grave, she already smelled like a carrion.
“Don’t give up. Don’t let the blood possess you.”
I had a need now. I could not help it. I needed to get closer to Diego. Kiss him, lick him, inhale the scent of his skin.
I did it, without even moving. My tongue stretched and reached one of his cheek. A red tongue like blood that I had never seen before.
This time I screamed, a languid groan, and I turned around. I immediately regretted what I just did. The mirror reflected my image, but it wasn’t me. Those eyes glittered, that face darkened, those arms seemed too many still. But above all, that tongue, stretched out to a great extent.
Kali. That picture was Kalì.
“There was no other way”, Indira’s voice said, with an exasperating slowness. “Now you can fight demons, any demon. You can nourish the evil that devours it. You can heal his blood. Do you understand that I couldn’t do otherwise?”
It was difficult to understand. Keep my mental faculties intact. Everything was blurry. I wasn’t alone in that body. Something was dominating me.
“Just do it! Save Diego before it’s too late! Take away his evil!”
When happened I almost drove me crazy, my body had decided for me. I was on Diego, without even realizing it. My obscene tongue had gone through his chest. Nothing had stopped me, neither the sheets, nor the pajamas, both pierced in an instant.
I was inside him. Into my son. In his heart.
I drank in that nectar and drank. Never had food been so delicious. Intoxicating.
“Enough! Enough! Let go! It’s enough, you already drunk enough.”
It was just an annoying background noise, I could ignore it.
“If you keep drinking you will kill him. You must be willing to stop. You hear me, you understand?” Then, not content she continued: “It’s Diego! You did it for him. To heal him. You succeeded, do you understand?”
It was an immense struggle, I didn’t know how to win it over. That pleasure was sublime, I didn’t want it to stop. It was Diego and he was dying. Again, again. Like Shiva. I loved him, I couldn’t kill him.
I broke off suddenly, with a terrible drool. I swallowed my own tongue as if it was a trunk. Then, I hidden the face in my hands, I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror again.
Indira was smiling. “Good girl. You see how you managed to do it? I was sure you could make it.”
Only then she came forward, slowly. She approached the bed and pulled off the sheets. Diego’s pajama was tattered, he had a strange cross-shaped wound on his chest, but it was already healed. Indira put a hand on his forehead and my son coughed. He opened his eyes again.
“Are you thirsty?” she asked.
With my astonishment, Diego stood up. “What happened?”
He gave him a glass of water, then she thought it was more important to come to me.
“And, how are you? You got better? Can you dominate it?”
It was a continuous struggle, agonizing. I couldn’t talk anymore.
Indira caressed my arm. “I know, I imagine how painful it is.”
I spoke few syllable. “Is he a-li-ve?”
“He’ll heal soon completely, remain calm. His blood now is healthy.”
I couldn’t believe it. Even Diego couldn’t, he was staring around woozy.
“Thi-s…”
It was impossible, I couldn’t do it. That tongue wasn’t made to speak.
“This is the price, I’m sorry. It has incarnated in you. What is done cannot be undone. But you can learn to live with it and accept it. Remember what I told you? Love can do everything. Shiva has put off its anger, even Diego can do it. It may be your salvation as you have been for him.”
Yes, I could conceive it. If my son really lived, I would have accepted that price as well.
When Indira tried to touch me again, I would instinctively step back.
She smiled, not worried at all. “You smell it, don’t you? I had no choice, I had to be a step ahead.”
Protect from me, I could understand it. So, I couldn’t hurt her. It was right, it was all fair enough.
“Let’s go home now. You can see that Diego is fine. He will rest and tomorrow won’t remember nothing at all. You’ll see that he’ll be well soon.”
I managed to stay still when she touched me again. Yes, I could live with it.
“It’s better if you stay home for a while, you have to learn how to behave. How to resist temptations.”
It almost happened, and our lives would have been different. I was about to get out of that room.
That’s when I heard it. A weak breath, which their ears could not hear.
“Fr-an-co”, I articulated.
“No”, Indira said.
Franco, beyond that screen. Franco who had heard everything. Franco would be very soon dead. Franco, who had become my son’s best friend.
I tried to move, but Indira held me tight.
“I ha-ve to do it.”
“You can’t”, she said. “Not yet. Don’t even try.”
If I had this ability why don’t use it? Why don’t save that boy too? Sooner or later Diego would have thrown that in my face.
I needed a split second to get rid of her. Pull the screen and face Franco.
His eyes wide open, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, terrified about what he heard.
It was also an instant to stretch my tongue.
The time to lower my eyes on his chest, to look at what I was doing, and I was already inebriated. Other nectar for my pleasure, I would never get tired of absorbing it.
The break came suddenly, pretty sharp, along with Indira’s handbag, which struck me in the head.
“Enough! Enough! You’re killing him!”
Franco did not even have time to shout, he collapsed on the bed like a broken doll. The cross was still very visible on his chest, like a wound just engraved.
Indira was really angry. “Enough! Enough! When I say enough it’s enough! You must stop! Don’t let her win!”
I was gasping as a bellows, I couldn’t keep a straight mind. Did I kill him or not? How was he feeling now?
When I tried to turn around I got a slap. I didn’t avoid it, though I could.
“Stay away! Go there, next to the door, where I can see you. And don’t move! Don’t you dare get close to these guys again!”
Was she talking to me or to who owned me? It didn’t matter, I obeyed. Even though I was upset I was dumb. Excited. I was also aware of being drunk, unable to think normally. I was still thirsty, a lot thirsty.
“That’s not the right path”, Indira said, checking on Franco. I could see her shake him until the boy moved.
She was very clear. “Don’t you dare coming close.”
There was one thing I wanted to know, but it was getting more complicated to speak. “A-li-ve?”
“Do you want to know if it worked? Yes, I think so. You’ve done even too much, you almost drained him. But the evil is gone, you have taken it away.”
That made all sense, right? I was almost convinced.
Not her. “You didn’t have to do it! You can’t! Too early, I told you, you still can’t control yourself.”
I wanted to ask her what I had become. “Ka-li.”
Indira shook her head. “No, you’re not Kali, but you’re like her. Durga incarnat
e in you, she gave you her anger, the power to absorb evil. There was no other solution, do you understand?”
Would they understand it? Would Diego and Franco forgive me? They were upset, maybe they didn’t even connect. Their mind would remove what they had seen, they would forget everything.
“And I?” I managed to ask.
“You can live with it. Someone could do it before.”
From her stories, I wouldn’t have said it. Kalì had become a monster, thirsty for blood and violence.
“Diego can help you.”
Like Shiva, yes. Like him.
“Leave me five minutes to tidy everything up, then I’ll take you home. You’re no longer able to go alone.”
“Ok.” It was useless to resist. It was a relief that she would take care of me.
Franco was recovering, but he was still too woozy to ask questions. He let her put him to bed and set the sheets.
That was when it happened.
The inevitable. The tragedy.
Time had passed and we had not even noticed. The visit time had come. It was criminal that someone let him in, but maybe he ran away. Even the closed door didn’t stop him, he opened it wide open, and came screaming.
“Franco! Franco.”
Enrico froze seeing me. I was a step away from him, a terrifying vision. He couldn’t scream, my tongue snapped already.
He was slow, slow, it seemed to move at slow motion. Indira was also frightfully slow, almost comical as she tried to run.
I shook my arms to ease absorption. There was not much blood in that body, but it was delicious. The most delicious fruit I’ve ever caught. I was satisfied for a moment, I felt a unique, divine pleasure.
Too little, it was already over. Before Indira reached me, I had already retracted my tongue. Enrico began to fall, still in slow motion. Dried, drained almost like old man.
Then Indira managed to grab me and I was overwhelmed by her hellish stink. I wanted to step back but she didn’t allow me to do so.
“No! no! What have you done! What have you done!”
The magnitude of what I had done overwhelmed me. I killed a child. That child.
Indira didn’t even try to touch him, he was obviously dead, completely emptied.
For me it was a cold shower, the hunger was gone, I could think again. “I didn’t want to do it!”
Indira seemed to age in a single instant. “It didn’t have to go this way! It didn’t have to happen again!” Then he attacked me. “You had to stop when I told you! You don’t have to give her all this power!”
I looked at Enrico and looked at Franco. He was still lying down, perhaps he had not even noticed. “Wh-at…wh-at sh-ou-ld I do?”
“I’ve told you this too, only love can control it. Only Shiva has succeeded.”
I didn’t have any Shiva; my husband had already died long time before.
Indira still had the solution. “Diego, your mother needs you. Come here.”
It was me to step back now. “No, no!”
I didn’t want to hurt him. Not to him.
Indira showed a smile, a forced smile. “You will never do it, you really love him. He can be your only salvation.”
Because he didn’t come yet, Indira urged him. “Diego, help me!”
We had forgotten him, only then we looked at him. He was still sitting on the bed, his eyes set on us. Eyes wide open, huge.
He condemned me. “You’re a monster! A monster!”
The blade sank, I couldn’t do anything to prevent it. Indira tried it. “Diego, don’t say that. Your mother only did it for you.”
His eyes were full of tears. “You killed Enrico! You killed him! You’re a monster!”
When Indira tried to get closer, he stretched out his hand to stop her. “Stay away! You both stay away from me!”
Indira looked at me. In her eyes, I read the defeat. “Yes, go away, it’s better. It’s pointless to have this conversation now. I’ll talk to him when he calms down. I’ll manage to change his mind.”
I was blind with rage now. Real rage. Not against Diego, he had no fault of his own, what he had seen had upset him, his rejection was understandable. Anger against Indira.
“You want him! You’re ta-ki-ng him a-wa-y!”
I was sure that she had done it on purpose. She wanted my son and now she had him. She would have taken my place.
“You don’t know what you’re saying, you don’t think straight.”
For once she was faster than me. She spread her arms, like a wall.
The stench surrounded me, took my breath away. The tongue snapped, went on, and then back in my mouth. I couldn’t nourish me with her. Immerse her in that poisoned blood. I was disgusted, it was repellent.
“I warned you”, Indira continued. “You knew the risk you were running. A sacrifice was needed and you were willing to take that risk.”
All right, but she was lying anyway.
“It could work, you could do it. You could control it, if you had been strong enough, Diego would have helped you. But you’re gone too far now, you have been dominated. Now there is nothing I can do.”
She also pronounced her condemnation. “Leave now, please. Go away before someone arrives and sees what you did.”
Where should I go, where?
Indira was struggling to say those words. “You’ve done enough bad, go now! I can’t help you, no one can help you anymore.”
I couldn’t even see Diego anymore. She covered it with her body, or maybe he was hiding. “Whe-re?”
Indira shook her head. “Go away. Just leave.”
I did it.
Many years have gone since then. I traveled the world, leaving behind me a trail of blood. There’s nothing I can do against the goddess, I’m not strong enough. Maybe I don’t want to fight anymore. When she manifests, I disappear, and then the orgy of blood begins. It strikes everyone, indiscriminately, because her anger is endless.
Only when she’s happy she falls asleep, and I can come back. They are short periods, very short, before blood returns to claim her. We don’t live together, there’s no way to dominate control her.
When I can I write. I’m writing to Diego, even though he will never read it. For myself, not to forget. I write about what I’ve become. A nocturnal creature, a filthy bloodsucker with many arms. A leech from the hungry tongue. I write about the blood, how inebriating it is, the terror that excites me.
I write about a time when I still had a family.
Diego grew up, now, probably, he’s already married. Maybe he would have made me a grandmother. I know he’s alive, that nothing happened to him. No one can ever hurt him. Because Indira is there to protect him.
I wonder if he managed to forgive me.
I’ll never find out, because I’ll never go back to Genova. It’s unacceptable the thought of hurting him, I will do everything possible to keep myself as far away from him as possible.
It might save me, maybe, but in any case, I would annihilate him. To be a guardian of a monster forever. Maybe Shiva made it, but he was a God.
No, that’s the right thing to do. Indira was right, I blamed her unfairly. I was aware of the risks I was running. If I wasn’t, if I was skeptical, these are my problems. She warned me.
For a great miracle, a great sacrifice is needed. Huge, sometimes. Sacrifice a thousand lives to save one. This I never regretted.
Over time I realized, but only after a lot of time. That sacrifice was not mine. For her husband she couldn’t do it, but for my son she could. It must not have been an easy choice for her.
Mine was recklessness, but Indira was aware of the danger. She knew that this would bring a demon in the world that would only lead to destruction and deaths. But never less she did it anyway. No, she didn’t fool herself with the idea of controlling her. She knew what was going to happen very well.
It’s easy for me to live with what happened. When the pain is too much, I let her sweep everything away. I give her control over my exi
stence.
I wonder how Indira does, instead. To live with the horror she created. How can the night still fall asleep? How can she look into my son’s face?
But perhaps she was right about this as well: love can everything. And I’m sure she was able to conquer him now that I left.
I wouldn’t switch it, anyway. I wouldn’t walk in her shoes. The burden I bear is already big enough. I wonder if there will ever be an end to it, if gods can eventually die.
Maybe one day I’ll find out.
July 2016
MIRROR
Translation by Cinzia Albanese
She caressed her cheek, then the hand went down her neck. Her eyes were blue, so clear that seemed to illuminate. Her blonde hair fell softly to the shoulders. She was still so beautiful.
“How many years, Jessica?”
Her dress green, bright, high wasted, showing off her bosom. She wore a couple of earrings, with upside down silver pyramids.
“Five years, Eva. Why did you call me?”
It was incredible, it was five years since they last saw each other, and they were still identical. The same features, the same dress even the same earrings. Nothing was arranged, it was spontaneous from both, without even thinking it.
They were always like that, it was more than twins, their minds were the same, connected in every instant of life, even if years passed by without seeing each other.
“You were ill in December.”
“A stupidity, you too?”
“I heard you left each other.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m also divorced like you.”
Essential pleasantries between sisters that haven’t seen each other in some time.
“Why did you call me?”, Jessica asked again. “We didn’t leave in good terms, the last time.”
“We are too similar to what we want.”
“You’re not ok, are you? You’ve got an illness. It’s something serious, I’m sure of it.”
“You felt it?”
“Of course, I’ve felt it! It’s always happened, and this time even more. It’s something grave, I’m sure.”
Eva considered the greetings finished and pointed to the table. “Sit down, let’s eat, let’s talk more calmly.”
The Prison Page 58
