“Now what?”
“Nothing’s changed. You’ll still feel ashamed of hanging out with me.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it’s the truth. They’ll laugh at us.”
“No.”
“What about your friends? What will they say?”
“They aren’t my friends”, I said in my defence. And added: “We’ll stay away from them.”
He made a face. “So, is that how you wish to deal with this?”
“How else? You’d rather face them? After what they’ve done to you?”
“I was alone. They won easily because I was alone.”
He was blaming me, that was certain. I left him alone, I ran away like a coward.
This time he was clear. “Am I still alone?”
“No”, I whispered.
“Am I going too fast? Am I asking for something you can’t give to me?”
“What are you trying to say?”
“Are you my girlfriend?”
Was I the girlfriend of a dwarf? Hanging out with him? Hearing others laugh behind our backs? And then what, getting married? Having kids together, all like him? Becoming Snow White with her dwarfs happily ever after? The possibility of being already pregnant with his child took my breath away. It was a ridiculous, unconceivable future.
“Then why did you do this?” he asked, like he had read my mind.
I looked for an answer, any answer, but I had none. I only knew that it would work. Without realizing it I put myself on the defensive. “You’ll go away. You’re always switching places, traveling the world. It’s your way of life.”
He smiled. “Is this what you’re picturing? We just arrived here, we’ll spend all winter here. We probably won’t leave before Easter.”
That was a long time, a really long time. “Six months”, I whispered.
“Yeah, six months.”
That alienating feeling came back to me. A lot of things could happen in six months. It could feel like an eternity with the right person.
“We can try”, I whispered.
He raised an eyebrow at me. “You and me, together?”
I nodded.
“Are you sure?”
What was I supposed to tell him? That I loved him? I wasn’t sure about that. I already abused that word so many times before, always with the wrong guys.
“I want to be with you”, I replied.
“Together, before everyone? You think you can do it?”
I nodded again.
He smiled. “You’re crazy.”
I knew I was the first. Despite his words, I knew there hadn’t be anyone else before me. Maybe I wouldn’t be enough for him. Perhaps what he had for me was a simple crush. Perhaps he would have met lots of better girls. Only time would tell.
I knew I didn’t want to lose him, and that I’d never felt so great in my entire life. I had found something truly important.
He rolled out the bed and started to get dressed.
“What are you doing?”
“It won’t be long before I have to start working. Don’t you want to take a walk before?”
Hanging out? Present ourselves to his friends? Being introduced as his girlfriend? Could I do it?
I got up.
“Sure, let’s take a walk.”
It was ordinary to them. To all of them. That a dwarf could have a girlfriend like me. The little man was known and loved by everyone, as he was raised among them, almost like a mascot.
He introduced me to a lot of people, too many, to the point I started forgetting names and faces. He was radiant, like I never saw him before then, I could barely recognize him. Still I never felt like he was putting me on display.
No one was looking at me with mistrust, no one found it odd that we were together. Outside they would have, but this place was an oasis in which we could be free.
I didn’t dare to think about what my mother would have said. Surely Davide would have found it funny at first, but then what? I was aware that it wouldn’t be an easy union, but still I was so proud of being with him, of hanging out with him hand in hand.
“Look, the roller-coaster! Let’s take a ride!”
It was late afternoon and the amusement park was already full of people. Soon he’d have to go back to his father to help him set up the stage. We didn’t have much time left for us.
“Chiara!”
I flinched and we both froze. I slowly turned around.
Tony was there, together with his friends, chewing popcorns. As soon as his friends saw the little man, they burst out laughing. Tony couldn’t hold in a smile either.
“So, what are you guys doing?”
Now all the three of them were laughing with no regard.
I sighed and spoke to Tony. “Fuck you, you piece of shit.”
Then I took the little man’s hand and started walking away.
Tony grabbed me by the arm “Wait! What’s the meaning of this?”
Perhaps I didn’t do it only for the little man, maybe it had been forever since I wanted to do it. This I knew for sure: Tony truly had it coming.
I kneed him in the crotch and I watched with pleasure as his face turned green. The popcorns fell all around on the cobbles.
As his friends ran to help him, I left.
We rode the roller-coaster.
It was my first time and I felt thrilled and excited.
The little man held my hand and he didn’t let me go even as we entered the wagon. I had eyes only for him and no one else. The whole amusement park might as well have been empty to me.
Right before the wagon started to move, I kissed him, and then he pulled me close to protect me, as I was a bit scared.
We went up, and up, and up, until we reached the highest point. Below us was the steepest fall. I screamed and held onto him, almost squeezing him.
That was our life. The life that was waiting for us: a never-ending rollercoaster, where there wouldn’t be one moment of peace, but where every emotion would be heightened to infinity. An exciting, dangerous, intoxicating life.
Was this possible? We had not certainty that we could both manage to stay on board but we would try. It was worth it. I was sure of it.
Because this time I felt I wasn’t alone: I could pull him close to me, hug him, and he would have protected me.
Because he was my boyfriend.
My little boyfriend.
August 2010
UNSINKABLE
Translation by Chiara Perfetti
I fell in love with Lady Stuart at first sight.
To tell the truth I didn’t even know what love was like. I was only sixteen years old and I had spent the last two of them at sea on that galleon, so it wasn’t like I had seen many women till then. Anyhow, it happened, and my feelings were only confirmed in the following days. I was in love with her, I would always be.
Lady Stuart was young, much younger than her husband, but nonetheless a woman compared to me. On top of that, she was a Lady and I was only a cabin boy, the bottom level of the ship’s hierarchy. I didn’t stand a chance at all.
What Lady Stuart was doing on that ship was a mystery. Incidentally, she was alone, her husband wasn’t escorting her. He didn’t even come to witness the boarding.
That day, I was on the deck, dazzled by her beauty. I would have never expected that our ship owner, Lord Stuart, could have such a perfect wife. She came out of a shiny white carriage, which was driven by eight white horses. Her dress was a feast of laces and doilies and skirts and petticoats, totally inadequate to the shipboard life. Her skirts were so wide that it was necessary to broaden the gangplank to let her get aboard.
Her calm, placid gaze indicated a confidence and a strength that I’d never seen in any other before. Her poise was regal. She never lowered her gaze, not even for an instant, not for any reason. She knew who she was and was aware of her power.
After all, she had every reason to. Her husband, the Earl, was first cousin of the King and t
hird in line to the throne, and she was the most popular lady at court. All of this made her presence on the ship even more mysterious.
The second thing I noticed about her – after her beauty – was that she was by herself. I’m not talking about his husband, whose absence I mentioned already, what I mean is that there was no one escorting her, not even a lady’s maid. On the other hand, she did have eight extremely heavy chests, all filled with clothing.
Looking at her, I wondered who would have helped her wear such elaborate dresses.
Her waist was non-existent, her bosom spilling over her dress, her skirts so ample that the closer you could get was only within three feet from her. From her white wig, a cascade of curls lightly touched her naked shoulders. Her eyes were blue like a calm sea. I saw them clearly, but she didn’t notice me.
The captain showered her with bows, and for good reason. His future depended on that woman. It was the talk of the ship and everybody had something to say about it. That it was her in charge of the family, that Lord Stuart was like a puppet in her hands. Knowing the Earl, it was easy to guess why.
I didn’t hear her speak. Lady Stuart dominated everyone with a simple wave of her hand. Besides, she only lingered on the deck for a few moments and was soon escorted to her cabin.
That day, I did everything in my power to be assigned to the deck, so that if she showed up I would have been near enough to see her. I made it and kept doing that day after day, until the tragedy struck.
It became clear what that woman was up to. The ship had just sailed when the bosun gathered us. He informed us that Lady Stuart expressed her wish for a valet. Then without delay, he appointed Mike to that task.
Of course, Mike was the best suited amongst us for that job, since he had been first steward for almost two years and served as a valet to the captain and to every personality who sailed with us. However, in that situation, I found it a little bit tacky. I was astonished that no one made comments about it.
I tried to lock eyes with Mike. We used to be friends, true friends. If he wanted to, he could’ve helped me get that task by putting in a good word with the Captain. I know, it would have been absurd. Why would a cabin boy get promoted to a valet? Valet to Lady Stuart, no less. But I was very young and naïve. I still believed that dreams could come true.
It goes without saying that Mike didn’t even notice my presence.
I was waiting for his reaction, I wanted to see to what extent he would go. In that moment, he had the decency to lower his head and admit: “I’m not sure I’m the right person for this task, let Jonas do it.”
Jonas was the longest-serving valet, the one from whom Mike had stolen the position. On that occasion, he briefly lost his impassibility and he allowed himself a smile.
Then the bosun sentenced. “That would not be possible, Lady Stuart specifically asked for you.”
Mike was finished. I realized it instantly and so did everyone else. I also realized the reason why Lady Stuart was on that ship.
Mike figured that out too. I saw him turn pale, I saw the dread in his eyes. In that moment, he looked at me. When everybody else lowered their heads to avoid his gaze, I was the only one left. He begged, he begged me to save him.
But there was no salvation for Mike, he had gone too far this time. He had no friends left on that ship, everyone despised him. I, too, hadn’t spoken to him in a long time.
There was a time when it wasn’t like that, when Mike was happy, full of life and loved by everybody. He was my idol, I wanted to be just like him. I admired him.
He was only a cabin boy, just like me, but for five years yet. He was very young when he boarded that ship, only eleven years old, and he immediately became everyone’s favourite. He wasn’t very clever, but he knew how to endear himself, and his honest smile and high spirits were contagious.
I was fourteen, two years younger than him, when I first stepped on a ship. It wasn’t my choice, but my father’s. He said I was a troublemaker, that I needed to fix my attitude, but it wasn’t the truth. I wasn’t that different from other boys my age, I didn’t make much trouble and I was there for him if needed. He did it only for the money, for the pay they promised him. In a sense, he sold me. Yes, that’s what he did.
Without Mike, I wouldn’t have made it. Too many rules, too many orders. I was at the bottom of the hierarchy and I was required to obey at all times. I had no time to breathe, the work was killing me, I would end up making mistakes and dealing with the consequences. I had been flogged more than once.
Mike changed everything, he saved me. He was good, he knew how to elude orders, how to appease anyone. With time, he was able to draw the attention away from me and I become the average cabin boy. Perhaps I didn’t realize it at that time, but Mike had saved my life. I wouldn’t have lasted much longer, if it wasn’t for him. Mike changed everything, he saved me.
We became friends and stayed friends for almost six months. We were more than friends, we were blood brothers. Despite the hardship and the backbreaking work, that was the best time of my life.
Until Lord Stuart arrived on board.
It was a long journey, almost six months long, we were supposed to take him to check on some holdings of his, which were scattered around the globe.
Before he could even set foot on board, I had already heard lots of rumours about him. I wasn’t stupid and I enjoyed being informed. The others would have called me a snooper. I heard that he had peculiar tastes, that he was a pervert and liked boys. I made sure to be assigned to tasks that, albeit unpleasant, would keep me far away from his eyes. I would have rather be buried in the hold, surrounded by smelly fish. I warned Mike to do so, too.
He didn’t listen to me. The day Lord Stuart arrived, he was on the deck. He was stretching the sails, bare-chested, showing his muscles. Even as I was hiding, I could swear I saw Lord Stuart’s eyes glisten as he looked at him.
Lord Stuart was in his fifty, a perfect uptight aristocrat, at least on the surface. With his powdered wigs and handkerchiefs, he was wearing more laces than a woman. Even the Captain was embarrassed in his presence.
That evening Mike was summoned to Lord Stuart’s cabin to help him and he spent the whole night there. The day after, it was announced that Mike had been promoted to steward, and assigned as a valet to the ship owner.
Mike came one last time to the cabin we shared, as he had to gather his things.
I had seen it happen already, between the older sailors, but the act disgusted me. The Captain despised such practices, he wouldn’t have it happen on his ship. Whoever was caught carrying out acts of sodomy was destined to be abandoned on a boat, in the open sea, with a wineskin of water and enough food to last a few days.
However, Lord Stuart was Lord Stuart. He was the owner of the ship, of the entire fleet, so he could do whatever he pleased.
I didn’t care about that. To me, Mike was Mike, my idol. He couldn’t be selling himself like that. Doing such things, too! I still believed he had been forced, compelled, that it couldn’t have been his choice, that he would have never smeared himself only to wear a wig.
However, I quickly realized that it wasn’t like that, I could see it in his eyes. It hadn’t been a coincidence, nor a case. He was on that deck to show off, with the hope that what happened would happen. All I needed to realize it was to look at him, and that was the end of our friendship.
Perhaps that relationship would have still ended, perhaps he would’ve lost his interest in me once he got promoted and became my senior. Still, I was the first to reject him, by diverting my eyes. We didn’t speak that day, and we never spoke again.
I wasn’t the only one to act like that. Mike lost all his friends, for one reason or another. He had only Lord Stuart, and he spent all the time in his company.
Not at first, since I was too angry, but later, I wondered about the reason behind Mike’s choice. There was no way out for us poor illiterates, we would always be cabin boys. That was probably the only chance he would
ever have in his entire life. Still, understanding him was not the same as forgiving him. Mike did something horrible, he was still doing it, and it filled me with disgust. I would have never forgiven him. He was dead to me.
Six months passed and we went back to England. Mike hoped until the very end, but his hopes didn’t become a reality. Lord Stuart stepped off the ship alone. Mike had only been his plaything, and he was no longer needed. Now he was inconvenient, useless.
Mike kept his rank, he was still a steward, but his career was halted, his chance was gone and would never come back. He was left alone, with no friends, respected by no one. They were afraid of him, for now he could boss them around, but they had no regard for him.
Yes, at that time, he was doomed. There was only one possible reason why Lady Stuart had specifically asked for him: the noblewoman knew what happened between him and her husband on the ship. If Mike was the reason for her presence there, there was no doubt about what feeling dominated the lady: her thirst for revenge.
If she couldn’t carry it out on Lord Stuart, it was bound to fall upon poor Mike. Women knew how to be devious, I had been told. There were a hundred ways to destroy him with impunity. For instance, she could charge him of thievery and have him hanged. Or she could accuse him of having assaulted her virtue. Or even worse, harass him slowly to make his life miserable. Mike would have paid for his mistake with his own blood.
In that moment, I missed our former friendship, I missed not being able to help him no matter what trouble he got himself into. I felt bad for him, I was sorry, but what could I do? I was only a cabin boy.
When even I turned away, Mike felt lost.
His voice was trembling as he pronounced the words that he was sure would be his final’s. “I’ll do as Her Ladyship commands. I will immediately go on duty.”
He strutted away, like a man condemned to death, without ever looking back. That day I bid him farewell, certain that I’d never see him again.
Lady Stuart didn’t kill him.
The days went by and Mike was still alive. Though he never let his guard down. A noise a bit louder than normal was enough to make him scream. Eventually he became the ghost of the boy I used to know.
The Prison Page 61
