by T Gephart
“Chief,” the captain we’d been introduced to earlier nodded as he passed us on the way to the truck. “You might want to check your phone. North just called and is trying to get a hold of you. Think it might be show time.”
Mack looked at me, pulling his silenced phone from his pocket and noticing the three missed calls. “Okay boys, we’re going to have to take a raincheck on those ice cream sundaes. I’ve just got a call out of my own.”
Mack
WHILE I WAS a man of my word, sometimes a promise just needed to be broken. And as much as I wanted to deliver on the ice cream I’d promised Luka and Dean, Riley had called on his way to the hospital, Quinn having gone into labor.
“Thanks for the tour, and talking to the boys.” Hayden’s brother held out his hand before getting in his car. “Would really like to have the two of you over for dinner.” He looked at the boys sitting in the backseat fighting over an iPad. “Maybe we can get a sitter, and go out somewhere and have a proper chance to talk.”
I nodded, returning his shake. “I’d like that. We’ll have to get it on the calendar, and sorry about the ice cream. Hope the boys aren’t too disappointed.”
Matthew shook his head and laughed. “We’ll pick some up on the way home. And good luck at the hospital.”
Hayden molded to my side, waving goodbye to her family as we stood in the parking lot. I was really glad she’d been with me when I’d gotten the call. Hearing North tell me he was about to become a dad, making me more emotional than I’d thought.
“I should go home.” She turned to me as the SUV disappeared. “I can get a cab so you can go to the hospital.”
“Do you want to go home?” I tipped her chin toward me, hoping the answer was no. “Because I’d prefer you got into my truck, and we both go meet baby North.”
It was a lot to ask, sitting around a hospital waiting room for who knew how long, waiting for a kid whose parents she’d only recently met. But there was no way I wasn’t going to be there for Riley, and I really wanted her to be there with me.
Her eyes were conflicted, but she hadn’t said no. “You think they’ll want me there? It’s not the kind of event you bring a date to.”
“Hayden, I think we can both agree you’re not just a woman I’m dating. You’re in here.” I tapped my chest, the side that housed my heart. “And I don’t want to say the words until you’re ready to hear them, but it doesn’t make them any less real.”
There were a lot of things I knew.
And most of them involved the building we were standing behind. I could lead a team, bring everyone home safe, and run a battalion better than the man who’d taught me. I’d helped shape kids into men and women, watched them perform feats of unparalleled bravery alongside me. And I knew when I saw a kid destined for a prison cell, that he had the capacity to turn into one of the finest human beings I’d ever seen if someone would give him a chance. But of all those things, there was one I was even more sure of. And that was that I loved the woman in front of me.
“Come with me, Hayden. I want you with me.”
Now.
Always.
Her fingers knotted at my shirt, and her answer wasn’t a sure bet. But she had to feel what was between us, had to know it wasn’t fake. “Okay, but if they ask me to go, I’m not going to be offended.”
“Sweetheart, no one is going to ask you to leave.” I pulled her in close, taking her mouth like I’d been dying to do. “Now let’s get to the hospital. First babies usually take a while but with North and Quinn, there are too many variables.”
Tearing myself away, I opened the truck door and let her climb inside. I moved around to the driver’s seat, getting in and starting the ignition while Hayden’s hands white-knuckled in her lap.
I got she was nervous, and not just because she thought she might not be welcome. But neither of us could have known we’d find each other on that website, and soul mate promises can ring sort of hollow when you’ve heard them before. Fuck knows, I understood that, seen it firsthand with my own dumpster fire of a marriage, and with Hayden, forever was going to have to mean more than just a ring.
We drove in relative silence to New York Presbyterian, Hayden keeping my phone in her lap and checking for any updates. Quinn was only five centimeters dilated so I knew we had time, easing off weaving through the traffic and getting to the parking garage without a speeding ticket or rear ending some asshole’s car.
“Here,” she handed me back my phone, “he said she’s just measured at six, and to let him know when we got there.”
Shooting off a quick message to North, we walked to the entrance of the hospital and headed to the maternity ward. I had a hunch her best friend and her mom would already be there so wasn’t surprised to find Karli sitting in the waiting room, nervously flipping a magazine. “Mack,” she gasped, giving me a hug. “Can you believe it’s almost time? Oh my God, it feels like yesterday we were sitting in that coffee shop, and you were pulling those panties out of your pocket.”
“Yeah, it does,” I laughed, the day forever burned into my mind. “Karli, I’d like you to meet Hayden. Hayden, this is Quinn’s best friend, Karli.”
Karli didn’t bother with a greeting, pulling Hayden into a huge hug. “Hi Hayden, so glad you could be here with us. I’m Karli.”
“Hi, and I’m happy to be here,” Hayden laughed, tapping Karli awkwardly on the back.
With the promise we’d text if there was any word, Karli left the waiting room to go get coffee. Quinn’s mom was still driving in from Jersey, so for the time being, it was just us.
It was only once we were alone and I put my arms around Hayden that I realized how tense she was. “Hospitals make you nervous?” I asked, wondering if there wasn’t a story she hadn’t told me. “I’ll admit they’re not my favorite place either, but maternity wards aren’t so bad.”
Her body stiffened, either the attention I was giving her or the conversation making her edgy. “Hayden, if there’s something wrong, I want you to tell me.”
“It’s not the time,” her head shook, wringing her hands as she pulled away from me. “I’m fine, honestly. Maybe I should go get a coffee with Karli.”
I grabbed her arm, knowing there was nothing honest about that fine. “Now is exactly the time. If there’s something upsetting you, then I want to know. Was it what I said back at the station? Because Hayden, I’m not trying to rush you—”
“I want a baby.” It came out of her mouth before I had a chance to finish. “I want to have a baby and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance. When I was married, well . . . it just wouldn’t have been a good choice. But now, I worry I’ve missed my window. And things are going great with us, and I love being with you, but I’m forty-two, Mack. And the last thing I want to do is ruin what we have with something that might not even be possible.”
It wasn’t the hospital.
Or what I’d said.
Or concern about being unwelcome.
No, Hayden looked like she was about to jump out of her skin because she wanted a baby. And there we were, front row and center, showcasing what she thought she couldn’t have.
“Is there any reason you wouldn’t be able to have a baby?” I asked, not sure if there was extra info she hadn’t shared.
“Other than not trying? Not that I know of. I mean, all my parts work, but nature is a funny thing. And I swear, this is not how I wanted to have this conversation. Please know I’m not trying to guilt you into something, or worse, trap you.” Her eyes were desperate, the wringing of her hands stopping as she gripped my arms. “I know this is too soon. I know, and we can put this discussion on hold for later. I promise you that I will pull myself together and not make this about me.”
Her admission took me by surprise, the idea of having a kid—well, I assumed that ship had sailed. Then came the whole mess of Melinda and her bullshit—it had probably messed with my head more than I cared to admit.
And sure, I wanted to tell her that I w
ould give anything for her to be the mother of my child. And if it wouldn’t get us tossed out and probably arrested, I’d strip her down and put a baby in her right now. Didn’t care how long it took, or what we had to do to make it happen. And fuck me, I wouldn’t walk away from her if my life depended on it, so “trapping” me was a non-issue. But the hesitation in me spoke loud and clear, and I wasn’t going to lie and agree when I wasn’t sure. Besides, I had a concession that I knew was going to be a game changer for her.
I needed for us to be married.
Yep.
Call me old fashioned, or delusional, or that I had my head up my ass. It made no difference to me anyone else’s thoughts on the matter. But I wanted my son or daughter to have my last name, and I needed that commitment.
And as much as I’d like nothing more than to head down to City Hall, make it all legal, and then get busy knocking her up. But she was going to have to know about all of it first. Melinda, the attempts, the false hope—all of it. I was positive the enthusiasm for that knowledge wouldn’t be shared.
“Hayden.” I tried to think of something that didn’t make me sound like a pussy, not knowing how long I had before Karli came back. “I, umm—” My mouth was dry, the words I wanted to say getting stuck in my throat as I opened my lips and nothing came out.
I loved her and nothing she said—included wanting a baby—was going to change that or scare me away. But instead I stared at her, unable to say any of it because I knew it would sound like I was dodging the issue or trying to change the subject. “Can we talk about this later?”
It wasn’t even close to what I wanted to say, seeing the disappointment on her face as I tried to convince her I wasn’t slamming the door shut. “I’m not saying no, I’m just—”
“Anyone want coffee?” Karli was back, two extra cups balancing in a takeaway tray. “I know you like Americano, Mack, but I wasn’t sure about Hayden. It’s black, but I got sugar, sweetener, cream, and almond milk, just to be safe. And it’s caffeinated, which might be an issue if you prefer decaf. Unless you don’t drink coffee at all, in which case sorry.”
“Black is fine,” Hayden smiled, pretending like she hadn’t looked devastated three minutes ago. “Thank you so much.”
I nodded to Karli, taking my cup and playing along with the bullshit. “Thanks Karli, I’ll get the next round.”
I’d barely taken a sip when our phones lit up. Quinn had progressed quicker than expected and North was letting us know it was go time. Next time we’d hear from him, he’d be making an announcement, and I had a hunch he’d be doing that face to face.
Hayden didn’t keep her distance, taking her seat right beside me as we waited. She let me hold her hand, making small talk with Karli while we waited for Quinn’s mom. If she was mad, she didn’t show it, burying the hurt I knew she had to be feeling and laughing like nothing had happened.
Lori—Quinn’s mom—arrived just in time, managing to say hello to all of us right before Riley walked into the waiting room. His eyes were glassy, swallowing hard as he cleared his throat. “It’s a girl. Ava. She has a massive set of lungs, and looks exactly like her mother.”
“A baby girl!” Lori cried, sniffling into a tissue. “Oh, can I go see her? Is Quinn okay?”
“Quinn is exhausted but fine. She was a warrior, didn’t complain once. And I swear if there was a way I could love my wife more, that would have done it.” He didn’t need to say any more, Lori hugging him before Karli took her turn.
Knowing Quinn might appreciate some alone time with her mom and Karli, Riley told them to go on ahead and meet his daughter, and he’d be in soon. I could see it was killing him to leave Quinn’s side, the scars of his early childhood probably rearing their ugly head.
“You did good, kid.” I shook his hand, Riley pulling me in for a hug.
“Thanks, Mack. Kind of terrified, to be honest. She’s so small and so perfect. I’m going to make sure I don’t screw this up, or die fucking trying.”
Those were words he never had to say. “Don’t ever doubt yourself. Go be with your ladies, we’ll come in and say hello once Lori and Karli have had their turn.”
Nothing more I wanted than to go meet the newest member of our family, and yeah, even though there was no blood link, Ava was part of my family. But I was happy to sit back and let the others go first, maybe give me a chance to make sure Hayden was okay.
“Mack . . .” Riley hesitated, before heading back out the door. “Thanks.”
He didn’t need to say anything else because I knew exactly what that thank you was for. Had to swallow hard a few times myself, needing a minute to get my shit back together.
Hayden had watched it unfold, but had kept silent. Given the new information I had, I was fairly sure I knew what she was thinking. “Hey, you doing okay?” I wrapped my arms around her knowing it was a stupid question. How the fuck could she be okay with it? It was pretty obvious that she wasn’t.
“Mack,” her hands moved up to my face, stroking my jaw. “You don’t have to protect me. I know it’s your instinct and it is sooooo attractive. But I’m okay.”
Wasn’t sure I believed her, but didn’t have much of an option to do much else.
After Lori and Karli had returned, both of them red-eyed and gushing about how cute Ava was, North invited us back to see Quinn. I slung my arm around Hayden, hoping she didn’t think I was the biggest jerk of all time.
“Oh my God, she’s so perfect.” Hayden’s eyes misted, Quinn peeling back the blankets so we could get a better look. “Riley’s right, she looks like you.”
“Well, she has her father’s height,” Quinn smiled. “Measured at twenty-two inches, and you don’t have to be so smug.” She glanced over at North who looked like he couldn’t be prouder.
“Couldn’t be helped, beautiful. You knew what you were getting into.” He turned to me. “You want to hold her?”
I nodded, getting closer to Quinn, Ava sleeping in her arms. “Of course, but only if it’s not going to mess with her too much.”
Quinn grinned, extending her hands a little. “She’ll be fine. Here you go.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d held a baby. Besides having two nephews, I’d also delivered a few myself. But it had been a while, the tiny bundle weighing almost nothing. “She’s beautiful. And I think it’s only fair I be upfront and tell you both this kid is gonna want for nothing. You guys say no, she’s gonna get it from me.”
“Funny, I remember you being more of a hard ass. Still are.” North laughed, his assessment accurate.
“She’s cuter than you, North. And grandparents get privileges.”
As much as I wanted to enjoy the moment, I didn’t want to be an insensitive prick either. Hayden might say she was cool with everything, but rubbing her face in it wasn’t my style. She’d been catching up with Quinn, asking her important questions like how much she weighed and if the delivery had been difficult, and to the outsider, it looked like business as usual. She was too good a woman to have them believe otherwise, willing to put her own happiness aside for someone else’s.
Deciding it would be better to go, I gave the newest North a hug and handed her back to her mom. There’d be time for more of that later, and Quinn had to be ready to throw us all out and get some sleep.
“We should go. Let you guys be a family and get some rest.” I tipped my chin to North, hoping to convey how proud I was. “You need anything, you call me. Day or night.”
“Thanks, Chief. Guess I won’t be turning up to work for a few days.” Riley rubbed the back of his neck, his leave not scheduled for another week.
That North had even given it a second thought was laughable. “Take as much time as you need, kid. And lucky for you, you have friends in high places. We’ll amend your paperwork and I’ll approve it. As much as your ego would like to think we’d fall in a heap, the station will work just fine without you.”
Riley slapped me on the back, and I could tell he was wiped. It was definite
ly time to go. “I’ll call you, and don’t get too comfortable without me.”
“Never, North. Now go be with your girls.”
Hayden’s eyes met mine and I nodded it was time to go. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to hold Ava but she’d remained hands off, saying a final goodbye to both the baby and Quinn while I waited. And even though she’d been all smiles, I could see the lingering hurt underneath. Worst part was, I knew as much as I didn’t want to, I’d had a hand in it.
It was only once we were outside of the hospital that either of us talked. Both of us opening our mouths at the same time, her “please forget about what I said,” drowned out by my, “we need to talk.”
“No, no we don’t. Please, Mack. Things are good between us and I’m happy. You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve been able to say that.”
We’d stopped walking, her hands wrapped around me as I did the same. “This is important to you, we should talk about it.” And I wanted to. Wanted to tell her that green lighting the idea was high on my list of priorities, I just needed a little more time.
“Okay, then let’s compromise. We’ll talk about it later.” She kicked up her chin, meeting my eyes. “Can you do that for me?”
Do that for her?
Hell, she had no idea what I’d do if she asked and that was the point. She didn’t know. And I needed for there to be no doubts. Not from me. Never from me.
“Yeah, of course. Let’s go enjoy the rest of our day off. Maybe I’ll even cook for you.” I kissed her lips, slinging my arm around her waist.
“Oh, I like the sound of that. I love it when you cook.”
The smile was genuine, and while I knew we’d just put a Band-Aid over it, nothing was being solved at that moment. I could work with time and her being happy, content to spend the rest of the day in our own world. And the weekends were prized when I didn’t have to work. During the week, our time was limited, so I wasn’t going to waste a second of it fighting a battle that could wait.
