by Mike Gomes
Chapter 16
THE CHURCH BASEMENT was darker than usual. The maintenance man had not replaced the long fluorescent bulb that had gone dead days before. The light laid dead center in the room causing a strange effect draping the attendees of the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in a shadow that Falau felt was symbolic of all their lives and their fight with alcohol.
Returning just four days before Falau felt he needed to return to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. The drinking started again almost like a reflex. This time the flashbacks did not return right away but the drinking did.
Sitting in the meeting the flask was tucked into his jacket pocket trying to conceal it from Dave the meeting leader. The flask was more than half empty of the whisky that was overtaking Falau’s life. He hit at the metal diamond that carried his demise inside it. He pulled it from his pocket and poured some into his coffee at the AA meeting attempting to stay hidden in the last row. Shame and regret were filling him constantly but his desire for one more drink was more controlling than the desire to stop.
“So, is there anyone who would like to speak for the first time? No need to be shy. This is what we are here for.” said Dave looking back at Falau who slumped in his seat and took a long sip from his coffee. No hands raised into the air as Dave held onto the podium with two hands. “Last chance. Anyone?” No hands were raised, and Dave called the meeting to a close and gathered his things and placed them into his backpack.
Falau sat in his chair watching the others get up and socialize around the coffee and donuts but made no attempt to engage them at all. He was there to see Dave, but he was not totally sure why.
Pulling a cane from next to his chair Dave made eye contact with Falau and nodded his head. Making his way back he needed the cane to work with a pronounced limp that now accompanied him.
“Michael, right?” asked Dave extending a hand to shake.
“Yes, sir. See you got yourself an injury.”
“Ya. I keep forgetting I am an old man. One of my buddy’s sons has a motorcycle. I loved riding them when I was young but haven’t done it in years. He let me take it for a spin and I dumped it. Screwed up my leg and put $3200 in damage on the bike. Not a good day for me.”
“Sorry to hear it. Never easy to get hurt.”
“No.” replied Dave taking a seat near Falau. “Glad to see you came back.”
“I wasn’t sure if I was going to, but I think I need to. It’s kind of hard to let myself admit that.”
“I understand. It’s probably why your drunk right now and have been drinking in the meeting.”
“I wasn’t...”
“Don’t bother lying to me because it is obvious. I can smell it and see it.” said Dave with a smile on his face. “You think you’re the first guy to come to a meeting drunk or to bring booze in? That’s been going on forever. Nothing new. Don’t worry in time that too will pass.”
The shame washed over Falau and he could feel his eye welling up with tears. Swallowing hard and blinking his eyes rapidly he looked away from Dave not wanting to make eye contact with him. “So how does this whole thing work?”
Dave twisted himself around in the chair to look Falau more in the face. “There are 12 steps in the program. I am sure you know that. It takes time to go through each one if you attempt to do them right. They are about introspection and learning why you drink and the effect it has on yourself and others. But you’re not there yet. You need to get sober. Starting the program while you’re still drinking can’t work.”
“So this is just a waste of time. I thought AA would help me not drink.”
“It can help you not drink but you need to get sober first. Alcohol withdrawal can be deadly. It is not something that the meeting or a sponsor can deal with. We always suggest that people go to a detoxification center where a doctor can work with you and get you past the medical problems. Then you can come out of the hospital and start the meeting and maybe go to sober living if that is what you want.”
“You mean like a halfway house?” asked Falau scrunching up his face in disgust at the suggestion. “I am not one of those people.”
“Those people?” asked Dave shaking his head “Those people are janitors, doctors, military, tradesmen, CEOs, the old and the young. They are not any kind of person. Alcohol is an equal opportunity killer. You’re no better or worse than anyone in a halfway house.”
Falau looked to the ground feeling the shame wash over him. The steady waves of shame made him feel like running away and having a drink to not have to deal with the emotions, but he stayed in his seat and listened to what Dave had to say.
“Michael, I am willing to help you. I can sponsor you and be there if you need me, but that can only start when you stop drinking. My hope is that the last sip you had out of that cup will be the last alcohol you will ever drink and that you call me before you take another sip of any kind of alcohol.”
“I would like that.” said Falau nodding his head. “The problem is that I work on the road a lot.”
“That’s not a problem. We have people who travel for work all the time. Sometimes they get a temporary sponsor in different cities. We have ways to work with everything. There is a reason this program works for a lot of people. What kind of work do you do?”
“My work is not something I can talk much about. It’s not the source of my problems anyway.”
“Do you know what is the source of the problem?” asked Dave with a questioning look on his face. “Not many people at the start of the process know where it all started for them. Is there something that you connect your drinking with?”
“Ya. Car accident. A lot of shit went down with it.” Getting choked up the big man halted his admission of his past and stuffed it back down with his other unwanted emotions like he had done so many times before.
“Hey. Michael, no need to tell everything now. You can do that all in your own time. The process takes time when done right. The good thing is that you have your mind on moving forward and taking your life back.”
“I just hope I can deal with the past without the booze. It’s been so long. I am not sure that I can make the change.”
“I felt the same way. I had a lot of bad things that I had done in the past to my family and friends. But the worst things were the ones I never told them about. Those were the things that pushed the drinking. My military background and the things I did sat in the back of my mind just eating away at me. I saw things and did things that I never thought would be part of my life. I have learned to deal with it from the program and a lot of help from a lot of people. You will make it too.”
Falau nodded his head at the admission from Dave realizing the man gave up part of himself to help Falau. He took a chance on revealing personal information to a person that was little more than a stranger.
“Do you still have the card I gave you with the phone number on it from the first time we met?” asked Dave.
“Ya. I keep it in my wallet.”
“Use it if you need to. If not I hope to see you tomorrow night back here for another meeting.” said Dave standing back up and getting the cane back under him.
“Thanks.”
Moving away with a nod and a smile Dave drifted into the group of attendees who had gathered around the donuts and started making small talk with them.
Looking down at the cup of coffee that held the whisky Falau felt the urge to take another sip but instead placed the cup onto the seat next to him and stood up and walked away creating as much distance with the cup as he could. Stuffing his hands into his pockets the big man pushed the door open to be hit by the night air. A woman passed in front outside the church holding the hand of her young son as she used the other hand to push a baby carriage.
The boy looked up at his mother with affection and said something that made her smile.
A whisper in the back of Falau’s mind in the sound of Jennifer’s voice reminded him of the children back in Guyana working the mines.
“You left t
hem. They are dying.” she said changing her words for the first time. Over eight years she said the same things over and over and now she said something different and it was shaking Falau to the core. He started to tremble from the distant voice as he became lightheaded. She knew what he had done and Falau gasped at the thought that she would add this to the untended torture of his mind.
Reaching into the pocket of his jacket Falau removed the flask and forced his now shaking hands to hold the flask and spin the top off it. The cap hung by a small chain and bounced off the metal side of the flask. Bringing it up to his lips his hands felt uncontrollable and he bounced it off his lips putting more whisky on his coat than in his mouth. The whisky raced down his throat as he took gulp after gulp at a fatal attempt to control the voice of his lost love.
Bringing the flask down as the the contents had been exhausted he shoved the flask back into his pocket neglecting to put the cap back on. Standing with his face and coat wet from the spilled booze he glanced back behind him to see if he had been seen. Standing in the door that was glass on the top half stood Dave looking out without an expression on his face.
Chapter 17
PUNCHING THE KEY INTO the keyhole Falau twisted the key too far opening the door but breaking the key off in the lock at the same time. Double timing his speed back home he felt like he was running from the voice of Jennifer who had watched him leave the children of the gold mine behind. He thought he had detected a tone of disappointment in her voice as she changed her words for the first time ever.
Knowing the voice was nothing more than his imagination playing tricks on him the thought that the love of his life could be disappointed in him was more than he could take. She had visited him for so long and the one time she changed her words it was laced with disappointment.
The big man slammed the door behind him causing the glass to shake in its frame. Falau stood in the dark gritting his teeth feeling his anger build at his inability to control the voice of Jennifer. He fought a fight of not wanting to hear what she had to say each time the nightmares and flashbacks came but knew that if they stopped he would never hear her voice again.
“Who is that? I got a gun! You better get your ass out of here.” yelled the voice of Grady coming up the stairs from the lower level where he lived.
The beam of a flashlight that sat in the strong hand of Grady hit Falau hard in the face. The big man’s eyes closed, and he put his hand up trying to block the light from shining in his eyes.
“Is that you Falau?” asked Grady getting to the top of the stairs.
“Ya, kill the light man.” said Falau waving his hand up and down.
“Your shit faced again aren’t you?”
“Not shit faced. Just a little drunk. A few ounces.”
Grady flipped the switch lighting up the foyer of the brownstone and seeing and smelling the shape Falau was in. The big man’s eyes were squinting, and he had a slight sway despite standing still. He had a cut on his lip from the flask shaking violently as he put it to his mouth. He looked disheveled and confused.
“What about us trying to stay sober. I am at eighteen days and you’re not at eighteen minutes.”
“I had a slip.”
“You seem to have a lot of slips.”
“Ya, well, it’s no big deal I will get sober tomorrow.”
“There is always tomorrow Falau. Well attest until you’re dead. Why not make tomorrow today?”
Falau took a step toward Grady and pointed his index finger at him hitting him in the chest. “Who the fuck are you to be telling me to be sober? You lived fifty years of your life inside a bottle and now you’re lecturing me on keeping straight? Fuck you man.”
“I am not lecturing you and I am not giving you a hard time, but I am going to have a hell of a time staying sober if you’re drinking.”
“Well you’re in my house so excuse me if I am inconveniencing you in any way. I thought I could do what I want considering you don’t even have a job and you’re living off me.”
Grady stood in silence and stared at Falau as the big man reached out and placed his hand on the wall to keep from falling. A look of sympathy fell over Grady’s face seeing his friend suffering.
“If you want me to go then I will go. You just need to say the word. I never asked for a hand out.” said Grady softening his voice.
Falau leaned his head back and took in a deep breath. “Aww shit man. I am sorry it’s the whisky talking. You know you’re the best friend I have. I don’t think that way about you at all. I want you here to help me and when I can get my shit together help keep me on the straight and narrow. I am sorry. I am acting like an ass.”
Falau leaned over giving a sloppy hug to his friend.
“You always act like an ass but that’s why I love you Falau.” said Grady pulling away from the overindulgent hug and backing away. “We can talk in the morning. Just go sleep it off.”
Grady disappeared down the steps and into the darkness as Falau walked down the hallway and started traversing the steps upward to the third floor. Holding the railing tight the impact of the whiskey was greater than he had realized. Taking each step as careful as he could his feet still occasionally slipped off the step in front of him because he did not get his full foot on the tread.
Reaching the third floor Falau walked into his living room and grabbed the half drunk bottle of whisky that sat on the end table next to the sofa. Plopping down on the sofa Falau held the bottle in one hand as he took the remote control in the other. Raising the control up he pointed it at the TV.
“You left them there.” she said inside his mind. This time she was more pronounced and not hiding in the deep shadows of his mind.
Falau face and his eyes looked out blankly as he dropped his arm with the controller leaving the controller on the seat next to him. His hand spun the top of the whiskey and dropped the cap next to the remote control.
“You left them to die.”
Falau focused his attention on the voice and his jaw hardened in anger.
“You left them to die.”
“Why don’t you save them Jennifer.” said Falau out loud confronting the voice for the first time. His hand started to shake and his breathing quickened waiting for a response from his dead lover.
“You killed me. The light was red.”
“Stick to the subject, Jennifer.” said Falau taking a long drink from the bottle. “You want to talk to me about those kids then talk to me about them. Oh, and that is bullshit. The light was green. The guy in the truck was drunk.”
“It was your fault. You killed me. You left them to die.”
The big man drank again from the bottle and his anger started to get the better of him fighting the spirit of his long lost love. “Jennifer, if you want to help me then help me, but if you want to torture me then FUCK OFF!” he screamed.
The voice murmured in the distance and Falau could feel she was moving away. Half of him wanted her to return and be something positive for him and to help him get control of his life again. “Is that it? Are you leaving me?” said the big man getting to his feet and shouting at the ceiling. “You have to have more than that. Tell me more about how I can help the kids. Tell me again what I did to you. I don’t want to wait until I sleep. Come back and let’s finally have this out.”
The voice of Jennifer was silent not giving Falau the fight he so desperately wanted and needed to put it to rest.
“I am not afraid, Jennifer. I am not afraid of what you say. I didn’t kill you. I didn’t hurt you. I am a good man.” said Falau pleading with the woman who was not there. Tears filled the big man’s eyes and started to roll down his face. “I am sorry for what happened but I didn’t do that to you. The guy in the pickup was drunk. There was no way I could have done anything to stop it. The light was green. The light was green.”
Dropping to his knees Falau let the bottle fall from his hand and it fell onto its side and spilled on the floor. Falau sobbed raising his hands to his head grabb
ing a fist full of his own hair and gently shaking himself.
“I didn’t kill you. I didn’t kill you.” he mumbled over and over again as he rocked gently in place covered in tears.
“Falau. You ok man?” asked the reassuring and gentle voice of Grady leaning his head into the room.
Falau did not respond and continued the rocking and crying as Grady walked over to the big man and reached down and placed his arms under the arms of Falau.
“Come on man stand up. It’s all right. I am here. You’re all right.”
Wrapping his arms around Grady, Falau gave him a brisk hard hug as the tears doubled. “I didn’t kill her Grady. I’m not a killer.” Falau cried as he squeezed harder looking for comfort from the years of torture and pain that the death of Jennifer had left him with.
“I know you didn’t.” said Grady patting his friend on the back and doing his best to soothe the pain he was feeling.
Chapter 18
THE STING OF THE MORNING sun broke its way through the shadeless window of Michael Falau’s bedroom. The sheets on the bed and been ripped up and twisted from the restless sleep of the big man. The night terrors had come back in full force showing him that he was at their mercy no matter how hard he tried to resist them.
Falau’s eyes cracked open feeling the warmth of the sun on him. The harsh light caused him to close his eyes quickly and sneak back into the comfort of the darkness. The slight shot of bright sunlight triggered the hangover headache and pushed it into overdrive in less than a second. Nausea filled the big man and he used his hand to rub his temples trying to relax the pain. With the other hand he reached for his night stand and took the bottle of water he left there for just this situation.
