by Sian Ceinwen
“Ariana? What the fuck? Will you answer our calls, please?”
Well, Sebastian was clearly pissed, she thought to herself. Not surprising since he’d left this message before he came down to see her.
“Ariana? It’s Heather. Why won’t you answer my calls? I’m worried about you.”
“Ariana? It’s Heather. Can you please just call me back? Thanks.”
Ariana felt so guilty. She realized that the last time she’d spoken to Heather, she’d told her that she would come by and see her later, but she never ended up doing that.
“Ari. I don’t know what to say,” Ariana could hear that Gabriel was crying, “I just…I just want you to come back.”
“Ariana. If you don’t call me back in five minutes, I’m going to come down and see you.” Sebastian’s voice was curt.
“Ariana, darling? It’s Heather. Sebastian said that he went to talk to you and you just walked out on him, and you had a suitcase with you. Is that true? Are you really leaving? Please call me.”
Ariana finished her drink and poured herself another one. Tears were streaming down her face. She’d obviously hurt them all really badly when she left. It wasn’t healthy to do this to herself, to keep listening to their messages, it was painful, but she also felt like she deserved this pain. She took a sip from her drink and pressed play on the next message.
“Ari. I’m guessing by now you’re on a plane. I can’t believe that you’re flying away from me right now. I don’t want to believe it. Please, just call me.”
Ariana noticed that was the last message from the day she left. The next message was from early the next morning.
“Ari. Can you just—just call me. I miss you,” Gabriel pleaded.
Ariana sighed heavily and took a big swig from her drink as she pressed play on the next message.
“Ariana, it’s Harrison. I don’t know what’s going on, but Heather is hysterical, Gabriel won’t come out of his room, and everything is a mess here. If you could call me, I’d really appreciate it.”
Ariana felt like the most selfish person in the world. She hadn’t listened to their messages or called back at the time because she didn’t want the drama for anyone. Clearly, there had been drama anyway.
“Ari. Can you just call me? I need to talk to you.”
“Ariana. It’s Heather. Please call.”
The message was short, and Ariana could tell Heather had been trying not to cry when leaving it. She missed her friend so much. Heather had been wonderful to her, and she’d just walked out on her. Fuck.
“Ariana, you are being a Grade A selfish bitch. I just wanted you to know that. I’d ask you to call me back, but I know you won’t.”
Sebastian’s words were cutting, and she couldn’t say that she disagreed with him—she felt exactly like a Grade A selfish bitch.
“Ariana, it’s Hayden. Everything is a mess here. Can you please just call someone?”
“Ariana, it’s Heather. I’m really hoping you’ll call me back. We need to talk.”
“Ari. I keep waiting for my phone to ring, but when it does, it’s never you. Can you please call me?”
“Ari. We’ve been in damage control all day, but I can’t focus on anything; all I can think about is you. Please call me.”
“Ari. I’m going to bed now, but I’ll leave my phone on. Call me. Anytime. Day or night. I’ll answer.”
It was the last message from that day. Ariana closed her eyes and took another big gulp of her drink. She should’ve called them back. She should’ve listened to their messages. She wanted to stop listening now, but she couldn’t stop herself, reveling in the pain because they had all loved her and treated her amazing, and she had hurt them. She pressed play on the first message from the next day.
“Ari. Seriously? You’re not going to call, are you? That’s pretty shitty. I miss you. The least you could do is call me.”
“Ariana, darling. You know I love you, but what you’re doing right now? It’s wrong.” Heather’s disappointment was cutting.
“Ari. I was just in the middle of the worst press conference of my life; people were asking about you. Even now, I’m respecting your wishes and not telling anyone about us, but you won’t even return my fucking calls. Nice.”
Ariana cringed. His anger hurt, but she knew she deserved it.
“Ari. How hard is it to pick up the fucking phone and answer my calls? Seriously. Just. Call. Me.”
“Ms. Chamberlain, it’s Cooper,” Ariana was surprised by this one, “if you could call me, I would appreciate it. I know you’re not talking to anyone, and that’s fine, but I need to know what your plans are regarding doing any interviews, etc. we’d like some sort of warning if those plans are in your future.”
Of course, that was what Cooper would think. Ariana could’ve sworn that he had a piggy bank where his heart was meant to be. The time between when each call was left was getting longer now, Ariana noticed. Where in the beginning, there had been one to two calls an hour or even more, her phone showed that the call frequency was dropping off to one every few hours.
“Ari. Call me,” Gabriel sounded terse.
“Ariana, it’s Harrison. I’m pretty sure you’re not going to call, but I just wanted you to know that the option is there if you do want to speak.”
Harrison sounded strained in his message. He would, no doubt, be coping with Heather’s emotions, but even so, he was offering her the opportunity to speak to someone who probably wouldn’t yell at her. What would she gain from calling him, though?
She’d left them. She’d left because Gabriel deserved someone better. Calling Harrison wouldn’t change that.
“Ariana, for fuck’s sake. Please call me.” Gabriel’s voice emanated from her phone in an angry tone.
Ariana was shocked by the message; she didn’t think she’d ever heard him sound that angry, especially when it was directed at her.
“Ariana, it’s Heather. You didn’t even say goodbye to me. I can’t help thinking that our friendship meant far less to you than it did to me. I didn’t even warrant a goodbye. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to call you at this point.” There was a big sigh, and then Heather hung up.
Ariana wiped at the tears that were falling from her eyes, hating herself for hurting Heather, someone who had done nothing but be a supportive and amazing friend over the last nine months.
“Ari. Are you going to call? If you’re not going to call, the least you could do is let someone know you’re okay. As far as we know, you could be lying in a ditch somewhere.” Gabriel’s voice was a mixture of anger and concern.
“Ari. I know I’ve left a lot of messages and I’m sorry for blowing up your phone, but I’m doing my best here. I’m hurting, and I just want to hear your voice. I’m going to bed, but please just call me.”
She noticed that the rate of messages from other people dropped dramatically on the fourth day, but Gabriel had left just as many.
“Ari. Can you please call me? I need to talk to you. I’ll do anything you need me to, but please call me so we can work through this.”
“Ari. What can I do? Do you want me to come to you? Where are you? I’ll come to you, and we can talk.”
“Ari. Just on the last message, would you rather someone else come to see you? I’d understand if you did. Maybe Heather?”
“Ari. Could we video call maybe? That might be easier than me coming to see you.”
Ariana finished the last of her drink and poured another one, being very liberal with the vodka now. She was starting to feel a bit sick, but she thought it was more from the messages she was listening to than the alcohol. The guilt that she was feeling was intense.
“Ariana, it’s Heather. Gabriel suggested that maybe I could come to visit you. That could be doable, just give me a call.”
“Ari, I’m going to bed again, but my phone’s on. Call if you want to discuss logistics.”
“Ari. I noticed you didn’t call overnight. I’m busy today, but I’ll
have my phone on, and if you call, I’ll answer, no matter what. Please call.”
“Ariana, darling. It’s Heather. I’m not sure if you think it’s a bad idea to catch up, but I really miss you. Can you just call me?”
The hurt was obvious in Heather’s tone. Ariana missed her friend dearly, suddenly having none of these people in her life hurt immensely. Yes, she was the one that had chosen this path, but they at least all still had each other. She was left with no one.
“Ari, I waited all day for you to call, but you didn’t. Is there someone else I could speak to instead? I just want to know you’re okay.”
“Ari. I’m going to bed, but my phone will be on, as always. I still love you.”
Ariana grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. He still loved her. She was breaking his heart, and he still loved her.
“Ari. I don’t even know why I’m leaving messages anymore. I’m pretty sure you’re not listening to them, but they make me feel like we’re still connected. I love you.”
“Ariana. It’s Sebastian. You clearly have no fucking clue what you’ve done, but I’ve never seen Gabriel like this. I just want you to know that you’ve hurt him more than I thought anyone ever could. I don’t know what your fucking problem is but the least you could do is call him and talk to him.”
She cringed while listening to this message. Hearing so brutally about the carnage she had left behind her was devastating. The truth of what she’d done to Gabriel and to all of them, herself included, was unbearable. Ariana should never have gone on that tour. The night that she hadn’t been able to handle having her picture taken with him here in Chicago, she should have known that she couldn’t handle his life. All she had done was prolong the inevitable, and now everybody was suffering for it.
“Ari. Sebastian said he called and left a message. I’m sorry if he was cruel to you, he’s pretty pissed at you, but it’s not your fault, it’s mine. I wasn’t enough for you to look past everything else.”
It wasn’t even close to being true. Gabriel was more than enough for her, but she wasn’t enough for him. She wasn’t strong enough to be the girlfriend he needed. It wasn’t his fault. It could never have been his fault. She hoped that in time he would come to see that.
“Ari. It’s night now. I spent so much of today just hoping you’d call. Watching my phone and waiting for it to ring. I love you so much.”
“Ari. It’s been a week today. I can’t believe it’s been a week. Everything in my life feels so wrong without you here. I keep seeing things and thinking, ‘I should tell Ari about that’ but of course I can’t. I miss you. I love you.”
“Ari. Bedtime again. My phone is on if you want to talk.”
Ariana took a deep breath. It was the first day that nobody else had called her. She knew that the calls had dropped off, but somehow that hurt. Of course, she might still have received texts from them, but they were letting her go. She wanted them to do it, but, simultaneously, she wanted them to pull her back into their world.
“Ms. Chamberlain, it’s Cooper. It’s been a week, and you apparently haven’t spoken to any tabloids. Please let us know if you do or if anyone contacts you.”
He hung up without a goodbye—all business, as usual.
“Ari. I miss you. You have been the best thing in my life for the past six months. It’s like you’ve taken all the light from my world, and everything is dim now. I would give anything just to have you in my arms again.”
Ariana broke, down hearing the obvious pain she was causing him. She, too, would give anything to be in his arms again. It hurt so much to know that despite the fact that they both wanted it to, it wasn’t going to happen.
“Ari, I’m going to bed. It feels so empty without you here. I lay awake at night, imagining you’re lying next to me. My phone is on if you want to call.”
“Ariana. It’s Heather. I miss you. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t even know if you’re getting these messages, but if you are, please call me, just to talk.”
“Ari. We had a concert last night. It sucked harder than ever, not having you around. It was a really good distraction, though. I needed it. I keep hoping that one of these days, you’ll actually pick up the phone when I call. Anyway, I’d better go. We have a soundcheck to do and another concert tonight. I love you.”
“Ari, it’s late, and I’m tired as fuck. The concert went well. I’ll have my phone on if you want to call. Love you.”
There was only five days’ worth of messages left to listen to. Ariana took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She would finish listening to the messages that she’d been left, and then she’d call Gabriel. He’d told her so many times in his messages that he left his phone on, and she could call whenever she wanted. She would call and tell him that she loved him and was missing him, too.
“Morning, Ari. I’m just calling to say I love you and I’m here if you want to talk.”
“Hey, Ari, I just got out of an interview. They asked about ‘Ariel,’ and I told them to mind their own business. Okay, I was politer than that, but it isn’t their business. I even managed to say it without feeling like I might cry. I think that’s been the hardest thing about all of this. Dealing with it all while not being able to fully express myself or my emotions. I miss you.”
“Night, Ari. I miss you. I wish you were here with me. Going to bed isn’t the same without you by my side.”
Oh, how she missed going to bed with him, too. The nights were the worst without him there in bed with her. All she wanted was to snuggle up with him and be safe and cocooned in his arms.
“Ari, it’s just my morning call to say that I love you, and I’m here if you want to call me and talk. I’ve got a lot on today, but my phone will be on as usual.”
“Ari, bedtime again. I don’t even know why I’m still leaving messages at this point. I keep expecting to get the ‘this voicemail is full’ message, but I don’t. So either I haven’t called you enough to fill it, or you’re listening to these messages and ignoring them or even just deleting them without listening. Either way, I’m still here. I still want you to be here, and I still get to hear your voice when I call. I love you.”
“Ari. You know I’m just here, loving you from afar. If you want to close that gap, let me know.”
She finished off her glass of vodka but wisely decided not to pour another one. Ariana couldn’t actually remember how much she’d had to drink tonight. The last hour of listening to messages had been incredibly intense. She was nearing the top of the list now, and then she would call him.
“Hi Ariana, it’s Heather. I do hope you’ll call me, we all miss you and wish you would come back to us.”
“Ari, I’m going to bed. Phone’s on.”
“Ari, god, I miss you so much. We had a band meeting this morning, and strong words were said. Basically, Heather and I were told to move on because everyone thinks you certainly have. Okay, mostly, Cooper thinks that. Who knows, maybe he’s right, but I can’t give up hope.”
“Ari. I’m going to bed. Please just call me if you want to call me. I miss you so much it hurts.”
“Morning, Ari. So many times during the day, I wonder where you are and what you’re doing. I think about what we would be doing if we were together right now. I wish you would just pick up the phone so I could talk to you, to know you’re okay, and tell you how much I love you.”
So that was what he’d wanted to say to her when she was out at brunch this morning. This was what he would have told her if she’d pressed that green button.
She lost herself for a moment, imagining what they would’ve been doing together if she hadn’t left. Instead of having brunch with her family, she could’ve been in bed with him.
He could have been holding her in his arms like she desperately wanted him to be. There were only two messages left; she would listen to them, and then she would call him and tell him that she loved him and wanted him as much as she knew he wanted her.
“Ariana, it’s Sebastian.
If you ever plan on talking to Gabriel again, do him a favor and just don’t. Kthxbye,” he said the last phrase in a sarcastic, valley girl tone.
Ariana was shocked by the message; he seemed so angry. She wondered what had happened that had prompted him to call her and leave this message. It cut through her desire and longing for Gabriel and made her question whether she really should call him after all, but her entire being still burned for him. He was on the other side of the country, now, and she still felt that longing for him, the pull towards him.
She finally pressed play on the last message, the one Gabriel had left earlier just before she had started listening to the voicemails.
“Ariana, this is Gabriel, and I think this is probably the hardest call I’ll ever have to make. It’s been two weeks. I don’t know if you’ve gotten any of my messages, but, God, I love you so much.”
There was noise in the background, and Ariana heard someone say her name. Gabriel was obviously somewhere with the rest of the band. The background got dramatically quieter, and Ariana figured that Gabriel had taken his call somewhere a little more private.
“I can’t keep doing this, though, Ari. I can’t keep living my days, hoping that you’ll call. I have to let you go. This is the last time I’ll call you. I know the others have been trying to contact you and I’ll suggest that they give you your space as well. You obviously feel as though you can’t be a part of our world, and as much as it’s killing me, I respect that. I will always love you. You have my heart forever. If you ever want to come back to me, I will welcome you with open arms, but I just can’t live my life, hoping that will happen. I love you, and I miss you. Goodbye, Ari.”
Ariana felt completely numb. She had planned to call him, but could she really do that to him? Sebastian obviously had a reason for telling her not to contact him again. Did she actually want to return to the tour? Probably not. She wanted him desperately, but their major issue still wasn’t and would probably never be resolved.
Calling him would do nothing but hurt them both further than she already had. He was letting her go; he was moving on. She needed to do the same.
