by Sian Ceinwen
The crowd became more energetic as showtime loomed closer. Finally, the lights went down and the crowd, including Charlotte, screamed. The opening act, Evening Star, came on stage. They started pumping up the crowd with teasers about Cruise Control coming out soon. As the crowd was getting increasingly excited for the band to come on stage, Ariana felt more and more nauseated.
She could barely listen to Evening Star, and as their set came to a close, Ariana seriously considered fleeing the concert entirely. Charlotte was beside herself, and probably wouldn’t even notice or care if Ariana left. She couldn’t bring herself to leave, though. The desire to see Gabriel again was growing; this was a nice, safe environment. She could see him, and he would never even know she was there.
Evening Star finished their set, and the lead singer called out to the crowd, “are you guys ready to see Cruise Control?”
The screaming was so loud that Ariana thought her eardrums might burst. Evening Star left the stage, and the stage lights went down. The house lights came up again as roadies began switching out the equipment.
The Concert
Ariana found it slightly bizarre to be in the actual audience for a Cruise Control concert—she hadn’t experienced their show with the masses, having always been backstage at this time. She knew that the band would be going through each of their pre-show rituals, then gathering the whole crew for a pep talk before going on stage.
The longing that she felt for Gabriel was intense, god, she needed a therapy session. She knew that she probably shouldn’t be here, right now. This was insane; she had left her friends two years ago in just about the stupidest and worst way possible. Why the hell she was subjecting herself to this was beyond her. The excitement in the room reached fever pitch as the lights went down again, and Ariana’s heart stopped for a moment at the sound of Gabriel’s voice through the microphone.
“Hello, Chicago! Are you ready for a good time?”
The crowd went wild as pyrotechnics exploded, and the entire stage was covered in smoke. It cleared to reveal the band standing on an elaborate stage set-up. Each member had their own podium: Gabriel at the front, Sebastian to the right on lead guitar, Harrison to the left on bass, and Hayden at the back on the drums. Backup musicians were off to the side with a range of instruments, but the main band members were who people were here to see.
Ariana really hadn’t been prepared for this. As soon as she saw Gabriel, every fiber in her being screamed at her to run. Not away from him, but towards him. She wanted him to hold her in his arms like he used to; she wanted him to tell her she was beautiful, but most of all, she wanted him to want her. Of course, she couldn’t run towards him; security would think she was just another hardcore fan like Charlotte, who was close to passing out next to her. She couldn’t stop herself from staring at him; just looking at him was like pouring salt onto an open wound.
How could she possibly spend the next two hours in the presence of the man she had done her damnedest to forget for the sake of her own sanity? Tonight would probably mean two years of attempting to work through her issues in order to get over him going down the drain.
It wasn’t just him, though. Seeing Sebastian, Hayden and Harrison was just as painful. Ariana wondered if Heather was here tonight, too. She was flooded with memories of them, laughing and playing pool together. She had been so stupid to leave; she knew that now.
She couldn’t bring herself to leave, though. It was as though some invisible force had her glued to her seat. The show had started now, and Gabriel was singing a song she remembered from when she was on tour with them. She lost herself in reverie, aching inside as they went from song to song.
She loved listening to Gabriel sing, and watching him perform was pure bliss. He threw himself into the performance with everything he had, prowling the stage like a golden panther, muscles coiled and tensed to spring, his voice caressing the audience like velvet.
As he finished singing a song about an hour into the show, the lights dimmed, so that there was only a spotlight on Gabriel in the middle of the stage.
“I want to thank everybody for coming out tonight.”
The crowd became a screaming mess, and Gabriel waited for it to quiet down again before he resumed.
“Now we’re at the part of the show that I’ve enjoyed most on this tour, and I know the fans have, too. We’re going to perform Heart Wide Open from start to finish. This album is very close to my heart. As most of you will know, I wrote these songs myself with help from the guys. It means a lot to me that so many people enjoy them as much as they do. All right, let’s go!”
The lights came up on the rest of the band, and they began to play the first song. Sebastian played a short riff on his guitar, and Hayden tapped on the hi-hat of his drums, then Gabriel began to sing, and Harrison’s bass was added to the music along with piano from one of the backup musicians.
Ariana realized that she had heard this song briefly on a random Spotify playlist a while after she left the tour. It hadn’t taken long for her to realize that it was Cruise Control, though, so she had never listened to the whole song or paid any attention to the lyrics.
It was a song about the emotions felt during the beginnings of a relationship. Letting Gabriel’s singing wash over her, she reminisced about the first time they met.
It seemed as though Ariana could still feel Gabriel’s arms around her in the pool that day. She was so clueless at the time, so in love with the idea that this famous rock star could possibly find her attractive that she had ignored the alarm bells that had already begun to ring.
Looking up at the face of the gorgeous man singing onstage, she wondered if there was anything she could possibly have done to avoid it all going so horribly wrong. If she had managed to get her shit together sooner, could she have been with him over the last two years?
Her life might have been so different if only she’d had the strength to face the scrutiny that the world put on them. Her fear at the time had seemed so real, the negative thoughts that constantly ran through her brain, telling her that she wasn’t enough for Gabriel. That she was bad for him.
The arena slowly became silent, and the lights went out so that the whole crowd and stage were in darkness. Anticipation built in the crowd, and quietly, a sound effect machine started playing the sound of falling rain, working up in volume to become a full thunderstorm.
Most of the women in the audience screamed as Gabriel launched into one of their biggest hits. Ariana remembered when this song was released; how could even she avoid the news about Cruise Control’s raunchy new song? It had parents up in arms and garnered them a whole new legion of fans. In fact, it catapulted them to superstardom.
Even Ariana had heard this song in its entirety, curious as to what all the fuss was about. She’d streamed it online, though, and hadn’t dared torment herself by watching the video clip. Both times she’d heard it—first a year ago and right now—she was reminded of the same night.
Their first date, the storm, and the phone sex. It had been such an incredibly erotic experience for her at the time. The next time she’d seen him, she’d been embarrassed, but he’d sensed her shyness coming back and hadn’t referenced it. They’d easily fallen back into their usual pattern but were a lot flirtier with each other, and it was always at the back of her brain.
She’d thought of that night so many times in the last two years, when it rained or when she was alone late at night. Sure, the one time before tonight that she’d heard this song, she had been reminded of that night, but she’d never actually thought that it might be the inspiration for the song. She hadn’t listened to the lyrics that closely.
As Gabriel neared the end of the song, his eyes closed, and he threw his head back as he sang the last words. The crowd screamed with excitement, and a girl two rows in front of them was fanning herself with her program dramatically while her friend laughed.
Gabriel opened his eyes and looked out at the audience. To this day, Ariana knew that loo
k. It was the one she had seen him wear so many times in the past and from that look she was sure that he was thinking about that night, too.
Charlotte had told her that this album, Heart Wide Open, told the story of a relationship from start to end. She’d even said that Gabriel had written it about a girl who had left him. Ariana realized that, of course, it was about her. A sick sense of fascination came over her, and she was eager to hear the rest. To see the story of their relationship told to the world through Gabriel’s songwriting.
The third song took her back to the night they first had sex. She couldn’t help but laugh when the lyrics even referred to garlic kisses. Even now, two years after leaving him and with the past behind them, his sense of humor was able to make her laugh.
Onstage, Gabriel took the microphone out of its stand, then a roadie grabbed the stand and pulled it off stage.
“I love this song!” Charlotte yelled in her ear just before the music started.
Ariana jumped; she’d been so absorbed by watching Gabriel and reminiscing that she’d forgotten Charlotte existed. Charlotte stood and began dancing to the upbeat song that the band had begun playing, and she wasn’t the only one who stood.
Most of the crowd had gotten to their feet to dance, pyrotechnics were exploding in time with the music, and the entire arena had an energetic vibe. Gabriel strode confidently down the catwalk as he sang the first verse, giving high fives to people on either side of the catwalk until he reached the end and stood up.
Ariana’s heart was in her throat; she was too close now. She knew how far they could see from the stage, and this box would stick out like a sore thumb in the crowd. Ariana tore her eyes away from the stage and looked down at her program.
What would she do if he saw her? More to the point, what would he do if he saw her? No doubt, he would be shocked, but very few things could put Gabriel off when performing. Would the sight of her sitting in a VIP box at his concert be one of them?
She peeked up at the stage through her lashes with her head still bowed and saw that he was heading back to the main stage again while singing the second verse, she let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. Gabriel was singing the chorus emphatically, and the crowd joined in. The song was a party anthem, taking Ariana back to the night of April Conway’s birthday party.
It had surprised her when she’d confessed the truth about her family to him. He’d needed to know, though. It had been a huge part of the source of her fears around his lifestyle. He had spent their entire relationship proving to her that he loved her and would never hurt her, and Ariana’s guilt over the way she had left him was overwhelming.
About a minute before the fourth song was due to end; a security guard approached Ariana.
“You need to come with me,” he said sternly.
Ariana was confused; had Gabriel seen her from the stage and sent security to escort her from the building? She wouldn’t have been surprised.
“Why? Where are we going?” Ariana stood and shot a glance at Charlotte, who shrugged at her.
“Part of the VIP package, ma’am. You’re going to be on stage for the next song.”
Ariana froze, absolutely horrified. She could not go on stage; she just couldn’t. She was caught like a deer in headlights. The security guard was waiting to escort her, the third song was nearing its end, and she was stuck. She cast about for something then looked at Charlotte again, who was beside herself with excitement.
“Oh!” she exclaimed, “Charlotte, you go instead of me. She’s a big fan,” she explained to the security guard.
“I don’t give a damn who comes, but would one of you please just come with me, so I don’t get my ass kicked?”
“Go on, Charlotte.” Ariana nudged her and flopped back down into her seat.
“Are you sure?” Charlotte squealed.
“Absolutely, now go!”
Onstage, Gabriel finished up the song as the crowd screamed. He grinned and walked offstage, allowing Sebastian to take center stage to sing the next song. Ariana watched the security guard, and Charlotte, head towards the Pit.
Ariana had spent her fair share of time in the Pit while they were on tour. It was actually a great way to watch the concert, away from the pushing, shoving, and hair-pulling of the front-row crowd. She had watched night after night as often the same girls would fight their way to the barrier and hold their position forcefully. It looked brutal, and Ariana wouldn’t be a part of it if you’d paid her.
She remembered the first night that she’d gone into the Pit with Heather. The disgusting comments from the fans that were directed at them. Sebastian leaving the meet and greet with two women. That night had been such an eye-opener for Ariana; she’d seen just how Cruise Control’s fame was affecting their lives. So many things had happened, Ariana had certainly had her doubts even then that she belonged in their world.
In those earlier days, of course, she was still too blinded by Gabriel’s affection to really let them take seed—they had been there, though. Her sensible side had still existed, but at the time it was being squashed by the side of her that was so utterly attracted to Gabriel. She’d been able to keep the negative thoughts at bay for a while.
It was the part of her that still called to Gabriel that had accepted tonight’s tickets. In hindsight, she could’ve found some excuse not to come tonight; but that part of her, the part that still screamed loudly at her that they were meant to be together, had forced her to come. The salt in the wound from seeing him was gloriously painful.
She would pay dearly for this chance to relive her best and worst memories of her time with Gabriel, but for now, she was exultant in the pain because it brought with it the feelings that she had shut away when she had left the tour. Ariana missed Gabriel so much, avoiding thinking about him, and seeing him had allowed her to move on with her life, but there was an emptiness that she carried around with her by doing that.
Onstage, Sebastian was finishing his song, and Charlotte looked as though she might pass out. He was staring into her eyes as he belted out the last chorus. He finished the song, and the crowd cheered; Sebastian gave Charlotte a hug, and then security came on stage to escort her away. She was taken backstage, and Ariana saw more than a few jealous stares aimed at Charlotte’s retreating back from members of the audience.
Gabriel walked on stage from the side that Charlotte had just disappeared to, amidst cheers from the crowd. Sebastian handed him the microphone and walked back to his guitar. Gabriel lifted the microphone to his mouth and began to speak, but the crowd’s screaming was too noisy.
He dropped the microphone again and smiled. He waited for a second and tried speaking again, but the crowd kept screaming. Charlotte still hadn’t come back from the backstage area when Gabriel lifted the microphone to his lips a third time.
“Shhh,” he told the audience, and there was a bit of laughter before it quieted.
“This song—” he began but was interrupted.
“I LOVE YOU!” someone in the front row screamed.
“Thank you,” he said, “we love all our fans. We’re so grateful to every one of you, without you, we couldn’t do what we love.”
The crowd cheered at this.
“As I was going to say, though, this song is about loving someone so much that you would offer them the world. Sometimes, though, that just isn’t enough.”
He began singing, and the words of the song stung Ariana. She could have sworn that she was listening to the story of their first big fight from his point of view. In part, she felt upset that she couldn’t tell her side of the story.
Even though these strangers didn’t know her or what it was about, she knew. Mostly, though, she felt guilty. She really had been unfair to him that day, she had never intended to hurt him, but she knew that she had. Something about him buying clothes for her had triggered those feelings of unworthiness.
She had felt as though she was bringing nothing to their relationship at the time. Aria
na had spoken to her therapist about this fight on numerous occasions; of course, she had brought things to their relationship. Companionship, love, support. Those were worth as much as outfits from Saks Fifth Avenue.
As Gabriel neared the end of his song. The music dimmed to the point that he was almost singing a cappella, and the emotion in his voice was apparent. Ariana had a tear rolling down her cheek, her own emotions carrying her away. She had been so heartbroken that day; it was a huge turning point in their relationship because it was the day that Ariana realized that she really was in love with him and it was the first time that she had even an inkling of how much letting him go could truly damage her.
The song Gabriel was singing segued into another, more upbeat song. Before Ariana could focus on the new song, she saw Charlotte walking towards her, escorted by a new security guard.
Ariana quickly and surreptitiously wiped the tears from her eyes. She had been so caught up in the last song and her memories of that awful day in New York that she hadn’t realized that Charlotte hadn’t yet returned. Her friend pointed at their box, said something to the security guard, and he nodded at her, then walked away in the direction they’d just come from.
“Oh my god!” Charlotte exclaimed over the sound of the song as she approached Ariana. “Sebastian is so incredibly hot! I could stare into those baby blues forever.”
Charlotte fanned herself for effect, and Ariana forced a grin. Gabriel was singing soulfully into the microphone, but she couldn’t hear the words as Charlotte kept talking.
“Wow, Gabriel is so gorgeous too, did you see how sad he was during that song? That was so sweet, oh, and you should see him up close! He was walking on stage as I was walking off and I swear I almost died. Sebastian is still hotter, though. I like them tall, dark, and handsome.”
Charlotte stopped talking and turned her attention back to the stage then so Ariana could finally listen to the lyrics of the song that Gabriel was singing. Her emotions were still swirling from the last song, and the lyrics to this one took her back to the same time when she’d gone sightseeing in New York with Heather.
