by Sian Ceinwen
“Angry,” Hayden said into his microphone, “very, very angry.”
“Ah, yes, that’s it,” Gabriel said in an enlightened tone, “thanks, Hayden.”
“Any time, bro,” Hayden replied.
The audience laughed at their playful banter.
“So yeah, I was very angry for a long time. What I discovered, though, is that you can’t hold on to that anger forever, or it will eat you alive. When you eventually let it go, sometimes you’ll be surprised by what’s left behind.”
Gabriel smiled at the crowd, and Ariana’s heart stopped. It was a genuine smile, and she would give anything for him to smile at her like that again. The crowd cheered as Sebastian started playing his guitar with Hayden playing a soft beat on the drums and Harrison playing a bass line, they repeated the same eight bars of music as Gabriel continued his explanation of the song.
“I wrote this next song while on this tour. Performing Hurts Like Hell night after night in the way we have made me reflect on how I was really feeling now that a decent amount of time had passed. It’s so fitting that we’re performing this new song for the first time here at home in Chicago. Take it away, Sebastian!”
“Oh my god,” Charlotte said in Ariana’s ear, “I can’t believe that we’re getting to hear a brand new song!”
Ariana had been so stuck in her reverie the last few songs that she’d actually forgotten once again that Charlotte was even there.
Sebastian began singing the song. It was a song of forgiveness, almost the antithesis to the previous song. It spoke of love and wanting to fight for it—a song of hope. Ariana let the words wash over her; they were soothing. She truly hoped that Gabriel had found some peace in the last two years.
She wondered if he’d dated anyone, had found love again after her. Is that what this song was about? The crowd was enjoying it immensely, and when it ended, the band got a standing ovation.
“Thank you, Chicago,” Gabriel called through his mic, “Goodnight!”
With that, the band walked offstage, and the lights came up. The concert was really over now, and the roadies started coming out on stage to begin packing up the equipment.
“Stay here,” a security guard said tersely to Ariana and Charlotte.
“Oh my god, do you think we’re going to get to meet the band?” Charlotte asked Ariana.
“I’m not sure,” Ariana replied fearfully.
What would she do if they were taken to a meet and greet? What would she even say if she met them? Could she really just front up to the band and casually say hi? That would go down so well, no doubt.
The security guard came back to their booth, and Ariana noticed that the arena was pretty much empty now.
“Follow me,” he instructed them.
They followed him dutifully to a small group of people hovering excitedly at the entrance to backstage. Ariana gulped; she didn’t know how to get out of this. There was a woman at the front of the group that Ariana recognized with horror as Rachel, one of the assistants who helped with the meet and greets and backstage tours.
Looking around, Ariana noticed that she actually recognized quite a few of the crew members that were working here. She leaned her head forward slightly and let her hair fall across her face, hoping that no one would recognize her.
“Hi everyone, I’m Rachel, and I’m here to get you guys backstage to meet the band. Are you excited?”
The group cheered.
“Great! Now there’s not really any rules to follow, just stick with the group, so you don’t get lost. You’ll have about half an hour with the band, but we’ll let you know when your time is up. Who here has met Cruise Control before?”
A couple of people raised their hands. Ariana kept hers down, but she had to hold back hysterical laughter. This was really happening right now.
“That’s awesome, the guys are so great, aren’t they?”
The people lowered their hands and nodded.
“Well, I bet you’re all excited to meet the guys, so let’s go!”
They followed her backstage, and Ariana was stung by the familiarity of the area. It could easily have been two years ago, and she could’ve been wandering through this area without a second thought.
Her heart started pounding as the group made their way to a door with a piece of paper taped to it that read, ‘M&G.’ She felt sick as she watched Rachel open the door and caught a glimpse of the large room behind it.
When people started piling into the room, she panicked. Charlotte started to walk towards the door and stopped when she noticed that Ariana hadn’t moved.
“Come on, Ariana! We’re going to get to meet the band!”
She grabbed Ariana’s arm and tried to pull her towards the room.
“I, um, I need to go to the bathroom,” Ariana used the first excuse she could think of, “you go in, I’ll be there in a minute. Don’t waste your time waiting for me; you don’t have long with them!”
She turned quickly before Charlotte could say anything and walked away. She saw a roadie crossing the room and carrying one of Hayden’s drums. Thankfully, she didn’t recognize him.
“Excuse me!” she called, “I’m so sorry, I know you’re busy, but I’m with the meet and greet, and I’m trying to find the bathroom.”
“No problem,” the guy smiled at her and pointed down a nearby hallway, “third door on the left. Will you be okay to find your way back?”
“Yeah, I will. Thank you so much.”
“Not a problem, anytime,” he said with a wave then walked off with Hayden’s drum.
Ariana walked in the direction he’d pointed and found the third door down. As she pushed the door open, she heard Cooper’s voice coming from farther down the hallway, and a bolt of fear ran through her. She rushed inside the room and let the door close behind her.
“Yes, we’re working on it,” Cooper said, pausing for a moment, and Ariana realized he must be on the phone, “we’re hoping to have more concrete plans by next week.”
His voice got quieter as he walked away in the direction Ariana had come from, and she could breathe again. Of course, there would be people she knew backstage, not just the band. She looked around the bathroom; there were two stalls and a sink, nothing unusual. Ariana put the lid down on one of the toilets for somewhere to sit.
What should she do now? Go join the meet and greet? Find the limo and wait for Charlotte there? She was struggling with a very primal urge to actually go to the meet and greet. She wanted to see Gabriel up close again.
It was so dangerous and selfish to do that, though. She’d let him move on; she’d tried so hard to move on herself. Sure, she’d have set her progress back a ton by coming to the concert tonight, but he hadn’t seen her so he wouldn’t even know that she was there. Ariana wanted desperately to see him; that pull towards him was so strong, and he was so close.
Maybe he had moved on, though. Maybe he had another love now, that’s probably who that encore was about. Maybe he barely even remembered her. She wondered if it could really hurt go to the meet and greet for a few minutes. Just to see how everyone was going.
Ariana remembered those voicemails, though. They probably all hated her for what she did. She should just leave, it was the safe thing to do, and nobody would get hurt. She stood up and walked over to the bathroom sink, catching her reflection in the mirror.
Her eyes were red from crying during the concert, and Ariana was surprised that Charlotte hadn’t noticed. Clearly, the band was a higher priority for Charlotte than she was, although that wasn’t really very surprising. Ariana splashed her face with water.
She made up her mind; she would go find the limo and wait there for Charlotte. It was the sensible thing to do. Ariana patted her face dry with a piece of paper towel then left the room. She wandered back into the main area and was looking for the exit when the roadie who’d helped before walked by with a group of other roadies.
“Oh, hey,” he said when he spotted her, “you look lost, follow m
e, and I’ll take you back to the meet and greet.”
“U-uh—” she stammered.
Ariana noticed that she could recognize a couple of the roadies and started to freak out.
“What was your name again?” The guy asked her as she followed him away from the rest of the roadies.
“Er, Charlotte,” she said, throwing out her friend’s name without thinking, just as they arrived at the door to the meet and greet.
“Cool, I’m Andrew,” he smiled at her, “well, there’s only about fifteen minutes left, Charlotte, so you’d better hurry up. Have fun!”
He opened the door and stepped aside, leaving it open for her to walk through. She felt completely numb as she smiled back at him automatically and entered the room. He closed the door behind her, and she just stood there.
How many meet and greets had she been to? More than she could count, but never like this, as a complete outsider. Sebastian was the closest to her; he was facing away from her and talking to Charlotte, who seemed completely enraptured by the experience.
Heather was standing over by the wall, looking at her phone. Ariana wanted to go over and say hello, but she didn’t dare. She spotted Hayden and Harrison next, standing together and chatting to a group of guys and girls.
And there he was. Gabriel was facing her and talking to two women. They were all laughing at something that had been said. She had forgotten how magnificent he was this close in person.
So many times she’d thought that and been able to follow it with ‘and he’s mine,’ but that wasn’t the case anymore. Gabriel didn’t belong to her now, and he never would again, her heart ached with that knowledge.
At that moment, Charlotte looked up and noticed her.
“Oh, hey,” she called out, “there you are! Sebastian, this is my work friend, meet—”
Charlotte was cut off as Sebastian turned around, saw Ariana, and finished her sentence.
“—Ariana,” he said in dull surprise.
“Yeah, how did you—”
“What the hell are you doing here?” Sebastian cut Charlotte off again.
“I won tickets,” Ariana found her voice and raised her VIP lanyard lamely in explanation.
“You have no right to be here,” Sebastian said angrily.
“I have every right to be here. I won these tickets fair and square at, how does it go again, my ‘nine to five job?’” She said sardonically, quoting the lyrics from Hurts Like Hell.
It seemed that this was the point that the puzzle pieces fell into place for Charlotte because she gasped dramatically.
“No. I don’t give a fuck how you got in, you shouldn’t be here, and you need to leave. Now,” Sebastian glared at her.
Ariana didn’t know why, but she dug her heels in. How dare Sebastian tell her what to do. He could be such a dick sometimes, but it wasn’t his call to tell her to leave.
“Really, Sebastian? That’s pretty rude,” she put her hands on her hips and glared at him.
“I picked up the pieces after you once before, Ariana, I won’t do it again.”
Sebastian strode towards her and grabbed her arm, pulling her towards the door.
“Let me go!” She said more loudly than intended as she pulled her arm away from him.
“Sebastian! What the hell are you doing?”
Ariana and Sebastian both froze at the sound of Gabriel’s voice.
“You’re scaring our guests, and that is not okay,” Gabriel sounded nothing short of furious.
As if there was some other force controlling her, Ariana was unable to stop herself from turning to look at Gabriel. Everything inside of her was telling her to flee, but she couldn’t. She needed to look him in the eyes.
“Ariana?” Gabriel looked completely shocked, “what are you doing here?”
A wave of immense guilt came over her. Sure, Andrew, the roadie had insisted she come in here, but she could’ve fought harder, made some excuse to leave instead. She hadn’t, though, because deep down she had wanted this moment.
She had wanted to see Gabriel again, and for him to see her. Deep down, she needed to know that he hadn’t forgotten her the same way she hadn’t forgotten him. This was wrong, though. This was hurting him; she could see that in the look on his face.
Coming here had been a big mistake; it had been so selfish of her. The damage, for her, had already been done when she came to this concert tonight, but she didn’t need to drag him down with her.
“I’m sorry, Sebastian was right. I shouldn’t have come,” she said with a grimace.
She met his gaze for a second more before looking away. It was too intense to keep eye contact with him any longer. The room was silent now, all conversation had stopped, and everyone was watching them. Ariana turned towards the door and started to walk towards it.
“Ari.”
Gabriel’s voice cracked as he said her name, the nickname that only he ever used, and she paused with her hand on the doorknob. She was forcefully reminded of him pleading her to talk to him after she left the tour.
Ariana missed him so much, and she wanted to tell him that she loved him. She wanted to beg for his forgiveness and for him to take her back. Everything that she had wanted to say over the last two years ran through her head, but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything of it. Her heart was aching, painfully, knowing that she had hurt him again by coming here.
“I’m sorry, Gabe,” she said as she opened the door and walked through it.
As soon as the door closed behind her, she started to run. She ignored the funny looks that other people backstage were giving her and followed the path they’d taken on the way there back to the main arena. She ran through the now empty arena and into the lobby.
There were a few people here, but she kept running even when a security guard told her to stop. When she reached fresh air, she stopped for a second, breathing heavily. She spotted a taxi stand, and luckily, there was a taxi there. She rushed over and got in, giving the driver her address to head home. Ariana was too scared to look back at all.
The driver took off, increasing the distance between her and Gabriel. They’d been driving for about ten minutes when her phone started pinging her. Charlotte didn’t have her phone number, but she was messaging her on Facebook.
You KNOW Cruise Control?
Why the hell didn’t you tell me? I WAS EXPLAINING WHO THEY WERE THIS MORNING!
I feel like such an idiot.
Oh, and things went south WAY quickly after you left.
I’ve never been so embarrassed. They were asking me all these questions and I had no clue what to say!
Ariana pulled down on the notifications and muted the conversation so that she wouldn’t keep seeing them. She wondered what questions they’d been asking Charlotte, but she didn’t feel like talking to anyone right now. She felt completely numb, in shock from the encounter at the meet and greet.
The image of Gabriel’s face when he realized she was there was burned into her brain. His voice breaking as he said her name. All the things that had been left unsaid between them before and now came rushing back to her. She wished that she hadn’t run away, she’d panicked at that moment, and it was stupid.
The taxi pulled up outside her apartment building. She paid her driver and thanked him as she got out. Heading inside, she dropped her purse and the bag she’d gotten with her program in it on the kitchen table. She felt physically exhausted from the entire evening. She wished that she could go back in time and politely decline the prize that morning or even sell a little less this month and never win the competition, to begin with.
Ariana headed upstairs and got in the shower, and reveled in the warmth from the hot spray. As she stood there, all the emotions that she was finally feeling hit her at once, and she hated herself for walking away.
Why couldn’t things have been different? What was wrong with her that she couldn’t have just given herself to him the way he had wanted her to. Did he even want her to give herself to him
anymore anyway? Of course, she did. So why the hell hadn’t she just stayed at the meet and greet and told him that?
She thought back to that look on his face. He hadn’t gotten over her, not really, or he wouldn’t have looked at her like that. Wouldn’t have said her name the way he did. What had she done? It was tormenting her to know that she was still hurting him. She’d left to protect them both, but she’d ended up hurting them both more than ever, and she was clearly still doing it now.
Ariana could’ve talked to him tonight, but she didn’t. Instead, she had appeared in his life, a ghost from his past, only to disappear as quickly as she’d arrived. She felt incredibly stupid; she could add tonight to the guilt she would carry over the way she had treated Gabriel.
She turned off the water, thinking she couldn’t keep beating herself up over this. She’d acted the only way she could at that moment, and she couldn’t change that. She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. There was nothing she could do about it now.
She got into her pajamas and lay down in bed. She turned off her lamp, but as she lay there in the dark, she’d never felt more alone.
A Case Of The Mondays
It had been an intense weekend. She’d turned off her phone and drowned her sorrows in alcohol, ice cream, and binge-watching Netflix. She’d spent more time than she could count, looking through the tour program and staring at the pages dedicated to Gabriel. It had actually been pretty cathartic.
When she was drunk on Saturday night, she had actually tried calling Gabriel. Ariana should have known that his number would probably have changed over the last two years, but she’d had to try. She’d wanted to apologize for leaving before and also on Friday night. Ariana had been surprised by exactly how disappointed she’d been to get the message that the number was no longer in use.
This morning she’d woken up with a killer hangover, and was running late for work. She got dressed as quickly as she could and put on a decent amount of makeup to cover the bags under her eyes that were puffy from tiredness.
She made her way to the office, arriving closer to nine-thirty than her usual nine o’clock. As she walked into the building, Georgia and Michelle, the two receptionists, stopped their conversation mid-sentence and looked at her.
