by KT Strange
“I wasn’t trying to hurt him. I just wanted to keep you safe.”
“I’m very safe,” I lied. Everything at school was crazy, and even though I was working hard not to think about Shawn, he was eating up my brain-space. A lot.
“He can’t come back to live here, sweetheart, you see that, right? It’d be inappropriate. While you two are in a relationship, you can’t live under the same roof. As much as I miss him, and I know he’s not doing well in that damned heap of stone that his parents left him in…” He picked up his fork, and speared it into his lasagna. “More money than fucking sense. Half the parents I meet with are like that.”
“Money doesn’t buy emotional intelligence, right?”
“Where’d you learn that turn of phrase?” he asked me, pride in his eyes. I smiled in response. “Nah, don’t tell me. You’ll get me reading it, and I need to focus on our plays for the next few games.”
“Are you really okay with things between me and Buck?” I needed to know I was on solid ground, so that I didn’t worry about it getting yanked out from under me. I needed everything to be okay.
“There isn’t much about that boy I don’t like, other than that he didn’t come ask me first before he started chasing you,” Uncle Matt said.
I winced. I should have talked to him about it when it first happened, I guess.
“Well, we kind of hated each other at first, so I think I get why he never talked to you about it. He was a real asshole.”
My uncle’s eyebrows rose for a moment.
“And you forgave him?”
“I upended his life. It wasn’t my fault, obviously, but here I was, taking up your time. I guess he got jealous.” I pushed a lump of noodle around my plate before spearing it with my fork. “I think I would have felt the same way. I was a little jealous of him, too. He was popular, he had you looking out for him, you let him drink beer-”
“You’re not a big fan of booze,” he pointed out. I rolled my eyes.
“My point is that you trusted him to be adult enough to drink in the house and not get shit-faced. So you trusted him with his own safety when it comes to alcohol, but not me when it comes to my heart?” I gave my uncle the most earnest, heartfelt look I could. “He wants the best for me, too, even though he’s not perfect. Yes, he’s made mistakes. I’m not perfect either. I think a lot of problems in my life could’ve been avoided since coming here if I’d been… more vocal.”
I folded my hands on the edge of the table and glanced down at them, the nails pink with white tips. They were getting long. Better for scratching my enemies, maybe.
“There are a lot of problems at school. Things with Shawn-”
“What’s going on with Riordan? He looked like he was going to puke when I came out that morning.”
“He’d dumped Shiv. He says he has feelings for me, right?” I swallowed down my fear of talking about it in greater depth with my uncle, but I needed to get it out.
He coughed, a half-choking noise.
I looked right at my uncle, determined to let it all spill out in a way that didn’t sound completely crazy.
“Do you think it’s possible to love more than one person enough to be with them both at the same time?”
Since we were being honest and all, it was time to throw my cards and everything on the table.
My uncle looked like I’d kicked him in the nuts. Immediate regret flooded through me. Maybe that was a step too far…
I held my breath, and my uncle blinked, slowly.
He set down his fork and reached for his water, taking a long sip before speaking.
“I think that life’s hard enough. Trying to make it work with one person is…” His tone and his expression were soft, almost gentle—like he wanted to baby me into a hard truth. “I’m not quite sure I’m understanding your meaning, but if you’re saying what I think you’re saying…”
“Let’s not talk about me. Let’s talk about someone, anyone else. You. What if you loved two women, and they were okay with you being with them both,” I said. He turned an immediate scarlet, looking so scandalized at my words.
“Mia-”
“Seriously, what if? Okay? Let’s just play the what-if game.”
“I think some people are built for that kind of life, but a lot of people aren’t. I’m not going to lie to you and pretend that’s not a fantasy a lot of men hold, but I’ve never really thought of the other way around.” My uncle looked thoughtful. His cheeks were still pink, like he was trying to play along for me, but struggling with it. “When I was young, a girl didn’t settle on any one guy, oftentimes dating a bunch at the same time, but…” He shrugged one shoulder. “Now I see the kids getting deep and serious after a week together. And you want to sustain that kind of depth with more than one of the boys? I don’t see it working out. Not that you couldn’t try, but-” He frowned. “Not that I’m giving my blessing here, because if it weren’t the two boys you’re talking about, I’d suspect them of setting you up for a very public humiliation.”
“But this is Buck. And you know Shawn. They’re both… both really sweet.” I was insane. I was actually arguing with my uncle, even mildly, that having a relationship with Buck and Shawn was not only something that could happen, but was something I wanted.
I felt a burning pain in my chest. I missed Shiv, and wished I could talk to her about this, but there would be nothing crueler I could do. Even if she didn’t hate me forever over Shawn dumping her for me, I could never talk to Shiv about this. A dawning sadness rose over me. Even if we repaired our friendship, this was one area I’d never feel right talking to her about.
“Everything feels really shaky right now,” I said. “I feel like I’m waiting for a million moving pieces to settle into place, and I don’t know what I’m doing, or where I’m going, until they do.”
“I think figuring out what you want is probably a place to start, and I’m going to pretend that the thing you want isn’t two of the boys on my football team,” my uncle said. He was being more reasonable than I could have ever asked for, while also making me blush. “The thing I want… is to know if you have any homework that’s late. Because if I hear of any slacking in your classes, I’m not going to be happy.”
Here, we were on solid, well-traveled ground.
“I’m working on a paper tonight,” I said, my cheeks flushed. “I am staying focused on school stuff… just… yeah.” I poked at my lasagna. “Please don’t worry.”
“Mia, I always worry,” my uncle said, his voice heavy as he gazed at me. “I think there haven’t been enough people in your life worrying about you to begin with, and I need to make up for that.”
I swallowed, my throat so thick with emotion that it pushed out all my thoughts of Shawn, Buck, and my paper. I got to my feet, and my uncle met me halfway around the table. He wrapped me in a great bear-hug. I relaxed into it, letting the moment just be.
Everything else, I could deal with later.
Nine
Buck surprised me the next morning. He was waiting in his Rover, a wide grin on his face when I walked out of the house. My heart lifted in my chest, and I ran to his car, climbing in with relief. He immediately laced his fingers with mine and leaned in to kiss me.
“Morning, beautiful,” he said, brushing a strand of hair away from my face. It was such a pleasure to finally be close to him and not have to worry about what my uncle would think. I spent the whole car ride to school beaming, and even though we didn’t talk about Shawn at first, I was finally comfortable with being with Buck and everyone knowing it… and being with Shawn too. Whatever was happening between the three of us, I knew it would work out. I just had to trust my feelings. Even if I wasn’t quite sure yet what those feelings were. I think I had been ignoring my attraction to Shawn, because I was afraid that my developing affection for him met I somehow loved Buck less. But that just wasn’t true. I was sitting next to Buck, experiencing nothing but complete and perfect happiness.
This could
work. Something with all three of us could work, right? I had to do my best to not think about it too hard, or question myself. The talk I’d had with my uncle the night before had really opened up my mind; it made me feel safe in admitting what was going on inside of me. Why did I have to have a normal relationship, like everybody else? I wasn’t normal. Nothing about my life was normal. My whole world had been turned upside down when I moved to Hidden River. If I was honest, maybe the kids at HRA didn’t live like the average person, but neither had I in the trailer park. That wasn’t what life was supposed to be. That wasn’t all that life could be.
A trembling, shivering excitement inside of me was growing with each moment. The future, and the possibilities in it were endless. I knew I could face anything that the other students threw at me as long as I had Buck and Shawn with me. I was going to be okay.
And, I think Buck was right. Having two sets eyes on my back really made me feel safer.
“You look happier than I’ve seen you in days,” Buck said. I took a breath.
“I guess my uncle called you?”
“He texted. Pretty impressive for an old guy who still likes to use VCR tapes.” Buck laughed and I joined him. My window was rolled down and the air filtered in from outside, smokey and woodsy, tingling as I breathed it in.
“He seems like he’s coming around the idea of you and me together as a thing.”
“That’s not all he’s coming around to,” I said with a smile. Buck gave me a weird look.
“What are you talking about?”
“I kinda sorta had to talk with him about Shawn. And you. You and me and Shawn.” I watched as Buck’s face morphed, a sort of shocked look in his eyes.
“You fucking didn’t.”
“Oh, yeah, I did. It was the weirdest and most uncomfortable conversation I think I’ve ever had in my life, but it needed to happen. It still doesn’t feel real, none of it does, being with both of you. I keep expecting that one of you is going to tell me how this is a big joke and you were just seeing if I’d go along with it.”
Buck groaned and looked up at the ceiling of the car for a moment before shifting his eyes back to the road.
“I’m not sure if I'll ever be able to tell you how me and Shawn came to talk about this. I know that everyone thought that things with him and Shiv were star-crossed, destined to be. But they don’t know what I know. They don’t know what Shawn’s been through. He’s my best friend, and even when he made moves on you, I got it. I understood why. It’s hard to be jealous of someone falling in love with the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Because what I had with you? I wanted him to have that too.” He looked so serious. My pulse was beating in my ears.
“You don’t have to tell me what you guys talked about, but I do kind of wonder.”
“I get that. But it’s not my story to tell. When Shawn is ready, he’ll talk to you.” We were pulling up to the school, and I could see students getting out of their cars in the parking lot. Another day at Hidden River, but it was going to be a lot more positive today, I knew. I wasn't on shaky ground anymore, and things were finally, finally looking up for me.
My whole body was electric, and I couldn’t wait to see Shawn.
“So, do you think we can actually have lunch together today?” I gave Buck a sassy look. He rolled his eyes.
“You know I’ve only been avoiding you because your uncle went batshit-crazy on me. If I'd had my way, you would never have spent any time with Lawson. Don’t look at me like that; I’ve seen you having lunch with him.” Buck turned off the ignition, and I slid out of my seat.
“Well, maybe if someone had just talked to me instead of avoiding me half the time-”
“All the teachers had it out for me, I swear.”
“You’re being overdramatic,” I said. Buck came around the car and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. We walked toward the school together, me bumping gently into his side. Buck didn’t mention Colt again. Despite Colt having a dirty mouth, I wondered why Buck didn’t want me spending any time with the guy.
Sure he was hot, in a lanky way, but my time was going to be pretty occupied with Buck and Shawn, if I had any say in the matter, for the next forever.
Thump.
Shiv dumped a stack of books down on the desk next to mine, then sat, staring straight ahead. I glanced at her from under my lashes, trying not to turn my head. She hadn’t sat near me in days, not since… things. I swallowed.
Shawn said he was making things right. Had he really talked to Shiv? Did she know that it wasn’t my fault? Did she even believe Shawn when he came clean?
Questions—way too many fucking unanswered questions—were boiling in the back of my mind as I tried to take notes and pay attention during class.
Shiv never looked at me, but I felt other students staring at the two of us.
My skin prickled, and I waited for the other shoe to drop, but Shiv pulled open her books instead of saying anything to me.
Our class crawled by, and I had to fight to keep myself from staring at the clock the whole time. Shiv was right there, inches from me.
Did she know how much I’d been hurt by everything? This situation hadn’t only caused her pain; I’d suffered at least as much as she had. Her words had scratched my skin, bringing blood to the surface. I still thought about what she’d said every day. It was hard not to obsess when my best friend turned on me for reasons that weren’t even a tiny bit my fault.
The more I thought about it, the more I got almost… angry.
“Miss Quinn?”
I lifted my head from where I’d been staring at my paper, my pen’s ink bleeding into it after being pressed down too hard for too long.
My teacher stood over me, a frown on her face.
“This should be filled with notes, Mia,” she said, pointing to my sheet. “Have you been daydreaming this whole period?”
Sneaking a look at the clock, I saw it was almost time for the bell to ring.
“We’re sharing notes,” Shiv spoke up, cutting through the silence. “I hurt my wrist last week, and Mia took notes for me. I’m taking notes for her this week to make up for it.”
Our teacher turned to acknowledge Shiv. I used the opportunity to shoot Shiv a surprised look, but she didn’t meet my eyes. Judging from the weird glances our classmates were giving her, they were just as shocked by her defense of me as I was.
“That’s kind of you both,” our teacher said, stepping away. “I’d like to see better cooperation, instead of competition, between the rest of you, just like that.” As she walked to the front of the class, I let out a slow breath.
It wasn’t the worst thing—not taking notes in class—but I didn’t want anything else to make me stick out like a tall poppy right then. The nail that sticks up gets hammered down, and all that. Getting scolded by our teacher would’ve given people another angle to come at me with.
Shiv still didn’t look at me, even as the bell rang and we began packing up our bags for the next class. She made her way to the door quickly, so I hurriedly shoved my binder in my bag, then ran after her.
“Shiv, hey, wait,” I said, stopping her just outside the door.
“Mia, don’t,” she murmured, still not meeting my gaze. Her mouth was turned down at the corners. She looked upset. “Not here.” She glared at a passing boy who was staring at us. “Bathroom?”
A bloom of hope opened up in my chest.
“Yeah, sure.”
I followed her, my bag dangling from one shoulder like my heart.
She waited for the door to close behind me, her head hanging down.. At first she just stared at the sink while I checked the stalls for eavesdroppers. The bathroom was blessedly empty. She drew in a couple deep breaths, then looked up into the mirror, meeting my eyes through it.
“What I said to you was…” She gulped and went pale, almost swaying on her feet. “The things I said to you were horrible. I’ve barely been able to sleep. I can’t stop thinking about how I talked to you
and about you.”
My tongue was thick in my mouth, and my eyes started to water.
It felt like coming home, as her apology washed over me. The anger I’d been holding onto melted, and I wanted to forgive her right away.
But she’d told me to go kill myself.
She’d as good as said she wished I were dead.
Was I supposed to just forgive that? I was trying harder to stand up for myself. Was now the time to do it?
“Are you okay? Talk to me, please, Mia.” Her fingers were wrapped around a strand of her hair, tugging on it hard, the skin going white.
“Hey, stop that,” I said, stepping up close and taking her hand in mine. I unwrapped the hair, untangling her fingers and held it close. I searched her eyes with mine, looking for anything malicious. I probably wouldn’t know it if I saw it anyway. “You lost the one person you thought you would always have.”
Shiv’s brow creased and her mouth pulled down hard. Tears slipped from the corners of her eyes, dripping down her face and off her chin.
“I’m sorry, I’m the horrible one, I’m the one who… I…” She wiped at her face furiously. My heart ached for her, and all my anger evaporated.
“It’s okay-”
“No, it’s not, Mia, stop that. Don’t say that. You’re always taking this… shitty abuse from everyone around you. You keep insisting it’s fine, like you’ve done something to earn it or deserve it, and it’s b-bullshit.” She coughed and went into a stall to get some tissue, offering me some too. That’s when I felt the tears slip down over my cheek.
“I’m not like you,” I said, “I don’t belong here. I have to earn my place here.” Even as I said it, it felt wrong in my mouth. We both knew it wasn’t true. I was just as worthy. My family wasn’t well-off like hers, but I was a good student, and I worked hard. Money didn’t make anyone good. Who a person was—and what choices he or she made—that’s what made someone good.
“I hope you know that’s not true,” Shiv said, her voice husky with tears. “You didn’t deserve any of what we did to you. Shawn was being an idiot and-” She glanced toward the ceiling, and I could see she was trying to keep herself from crying again. “I miss him, but I also know he’s not the one for me. You can’t pull the love out of someone for yourself. If it’s not there, it’s not there.”
