by Bowie, Emily
It would be easier if Brax knew he is more Nate’s type than I am. Even as we sit down in the pews, I can feel him. Turning around, I see him sitting with Gloria. She’s talking a mile a minute while he keeps his focus on me, on Nate’s arm around my shoulders.
I try to shake Nate off, but his large arm won’t budge. “I need some fresh air,” I whisper into his ear, and he tilts his head, giving me a knowing look. “I promise I’ll be right back.”
Tiptoeing to not make any noise, I try to sneak out while Rhett is leading the choir in their welcoming song. This is harder than I ever imagined.
Soon, I leave the room that was closing in on me, gulping in the fresh air. My head buzzes and I feel dizzy. Walking along the church perimeter, I continue till I’m secluded in the back before placing my hand against the wall’s cooler surface as I lean into it, placing my head down, trying to cope with my own actions.
“Have you decided your pussy needs a real man?” His breath hits the back of my ear, as I feel his muscular body behind me. His voice alone creates a gasping chasm in my chest. I refuse to move, knowing I may not be able to turn away from him. His hand lingers on mine, his fingers tracing up and down each of mine until they continue along my flesh till he reaches the crook of my neck. I can’t help but to arc enough that I feel his chest against my back. I’ve only made it to the shadows of the church but not back enough to be hidden.
I should be offended by his words, but instead they turn me on. His small touches ignite memories of us together. Add in that I have not been touched by a man in five years and I’m practically salivating, hoping he will take this further. When Brax Steele is around, I lose my head, becoming lost in his unspoken promises, wanting to believe in us.
If anything, his dirty words show me he thinks I jumped on Nate the moment I had a chance. Jealously drives his harsh tone, while he clearly doesn’t suspect Madden is his.
I can feel his lips blow across my neck, leaving a path of goose bumps that trail down toward my chest. I try not to shudder deeper into him.
His other hand’s fingers slip up my side, covering my ribs. I want them to explore further, up to my tits. They haven’t been touched since him, and right now they’re yelling at me for a reminder. I need Brax like I need air.
Leaning back into him, I press, showing him I want more. I feel confident knowing no one will be outside watching. Instead of him going straight across my puckered nipple that must be visible through my dress, he skims downward, lightly cupping my sex. Gulping down the moan that wants to drive out of me, I part my legs. His fingers are slow, and it’s all I can do to not turn around and pull him to me. I don’t care about anything but him touching me. My worries are long forgotten as I lose myself in him, like I have always done.
“Next time you fuck him and fake your orgasm, remember it was you who gave this up.” And then just like that, cold air takes his spot behind me. My heart is pounding in my chest, and I have to cover my mouth to not let my sob break through.
I’m left frustrated, heart pounding, out of breath, and all I can think is holy shit. I forget all my reasons for hiding from him. I did it once; I’m not strong enough to do it again.
“I love you so much it hurts,” I mutter to the empty space around me, wishing I said that to him instead of the cool wall.
CHAPTER 12
Parking my car on the same bit of road where I sat all those years ago, I step out onto the yellow withering grass. There is no yellow tape, no police cars, only sun beaming down. It’s like the earth has stopped rotating and a silent calm has washed over the area.
I know I can park my car in the driveway, but I need to delay this meeting a little longer. With each step I take up to Steele Ranch, my heart pounds a little harder. Each thud against my ribs, my body shakes with nerves. This is the most nerve-wracking thing I have ever done. Exhaling a jittery breath, I try to shake it off, rolling my shoulders and forcing myself to calm down. Maybe he won’t be home. I pause, looking back at my car as I try to dry my sweaty hands on my jeans. I hear a dog bark then what sounds like paws running on gravel. A beautiful golden retriever is running up to meet me. Other than the one bark, he’s silent, even once he reaches me. There is no jumping up; he stays close to my legs as we walk together, guiding me in.
My fingers go out to lightly touch his head, needing the guidance. Otherwise, I would turn around. For a place where I used to remember so much noise, laughter, and love, it looks vacant. I wait for the front door to open, but it remains closed. Their old tractor sits in the driveway.
Biting my lower lip, I debate if I should knock. My body teeters, not knowing what to do. A wet black nose nudges me farther, forcing me to take my first step up the porch. Each step closer, my heart rocks the rest of my body, causing a new wave of shakiness. It hammers inside my chest, my hand feeling its collision as I rub where it continues to strike with vengeance. Will I even be able to string words together?
“If you knock on the door, that dog will go crazy and wake up the kids, causing me to bring out my rifle.”
I startle, taking a step back, not expecting to hear anyone. Turning to the side, I only see feet resting up on the railing and a baseball cap blocking the sun that might hit the woman’s eyes.
“Don’t let her attitude scare you,” another voice yells across the driveway, sounding like its coming closer. That voice I know belongs to Brax. I don’t know which way to turn. Face the half-asleep woman, or turn and tell Brax it’s me.
“What can I do you for?” he asks in that sexy drawl of his.
Slowly, I spin, cringing, not knowing how he will take that I’m here on his family’s property. “I was hoping we could talk.”
“I should have let you knock on that door,” he mutters, causing the woman to sit up and watch our interaction. She doesn’t even bother to eavesdrop. She has moved her chair so it faces the two of us but has still managed to keep her feet up on the wooden railing.
“Your husband know you’re here?” His eyes narrow on mine with accusation.
“He’s not my husband.” One side of my lip curves upward, hoping to gain a little smile from Brax. But I get nothing.
“All I’m saying is you got over me pretty fast.” He shrugs like he doesn’t care anymore. I need him to care. It’s the selfish side of me, considering I don’t think we could work anyway.
Then why am I doing this?
“Oh, this is getting good. She’s Raya, right?” the dark-haired woman tosses out from the sidelines like she’s watching an intense drama movie.
“Sloan, go check on the kids.” He doesn’t look over at her, his attention staying alert on me.
I can see her wave a little white baby monitor. “They’re fine.”
It makes me wonder who this woman is, and what her relationship is to Brax.
“Maybe you should introduce us. I might like her,” the woman named Sloan says sweetly, giving Brax a big smile.
I catch Brax’s neck vein starting to throb before he pulls his focus from me to give her the death glare.
He points his finger at her while giving an ultimatum. “I’ll give you two options if you don’t leave. One, I get Jack to wake up those kids,” he spits out, referring to the dog he pets who stays by his side. “Or two—”
He doesn’t have to finish, as she stands up annoyed. “You suck. I was just trying to have some fun.”
“That’s what he said,” I say under my breath, not meaning too, and regretting my humor. But instead of it making matters worse, they both let out a chuckle. The tension is still there, but it seems like it has loosened the noose around my neck.
We both watch her leave until the door fully closes.
“She’s Kellen’s wife,” he explains.
I take a seat on the porch step, looking out onto their land. I always loved this place when I came here. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I was always thinking of what was best for you, never considering that what was best may have not been right.” Madden’s name is o
n the tip of my tongue, but I can’t push it out.
Brax follows my lead, taking the step below me. He takes in my apology, looking out into the field and trees that line their property. We sit in comfortable silence, enjoying the view and the sun.
“How long are you in town for?”
“Just a day or two,” I hear myself say. I meant to say till tonight, but those words won’t come out. I need to feel the two of us happy, even if it’s only for a fleeting moment. I need a memory to cling to when he finds out the truth. He will never look at me the way he did on the park bench or at church again. Not that I blame him. I would hate me too.
I watch him nod, still not looking at me. I want to ask if he finished the house. Shay mentioned he was building a home for the two of us before I set fire to my life, quite literally. I can’t see it from here, but they have so much land it could be anywhere.
“I have surveyors coming by again tonight to talk about some plans.” My heart drops, as he says this looking out onto their property. I get the feeling I’m being put off, and I get it. I’ve hurt him in more ways than he even knows. If I knew how to make it better, I would.
I want to ask two hundred questions about these surveyors, knowing this property is his family’s life, joy, and pride. Yet, I refrain, not wanting to rock the boat any harder than my presence already has. The stretch of silence has my mind reeling again, thinking maybe I should have never come here. Maybe it’s time to move yet again.
“But tomorrow, why don’t you stop by and we can catch up while I show you what’s new here?” I can hear the hesitation in his voice, knowing he is opening up a part of himself to me again. The trust we once had smashed into a million pieces.
“Sounds good.” I don’t let any time slip by as I hold on to this little bit of time with him. I should be worried about the smile that widens my lips and the way my heart flutters when he looks up at my quick response with the tiniest grin on his lips.
I don’t wish the flutters away, knowing that only he can put them there. I welcome the excitement and happiness that wants to invade every part of me. For the first time since Madden was born, a flame of hope ignites that maybe fairy tales aren’t only written in books and one day I can get my happily ever after too.
CHAPTER 13
I stand on the porch, watching Raya walk back to her car, wondering if I made a mistake. I went after her five years ago, only to now find out she forgot about us and made a family without me. She bounces her keys into the air a few times, refusing to look back at me.
“So that’s the one who got away.” Sloan’s voice is soft in her observation as she steps out from the doorway, probably having never left that spot.
“I used to think so,” I answer honestly, shoving my hands into my pockets, trying to act like her showing up here hasn’t affected me. Needing to tear myself from Raya’s image, I turn to look at Sloan.
“How’re the kids?” I ask, referring to Shay’s children who Sloan’s babysitting, needing to change the subject.
“Sleeping like little dolls. I’m just hoping my ovaries will see them and want to start producing.” She laughs, but there is no humor in it. My brother Kellen and Sloan have been trying for three years to have children. I can see it in Sloan’s eyes that it hurts her whenever anyone tells her they’re pregnant.
“So why did you send her away? And don’t lie to me saying it’s because of the surveyors.” She pins me with a knowing look. We both know we never had a scheduled meeting for today.
I lean my shoulder against the post that holds the railing. “I just need time I guess.”
As if on cue, we hear Connor wake up from his nap, mumbling as he begins to stir. The baby still sleeps peacefully. Neither of us says a thing as we head in our own directions.
Cleaning out the horse stalls does nothing to calm my heart, the barn too familiar for me to sweep everything I’m feeling down. It holds too many memories of Raya and me. When she was in college and came down to visit, we would spend most of our time in this barn or on the property, trying to get away from everyone. Only the two of us existed in that world back then.
Needing to escape all of those memories that can no longer exist in this new reality, I hop into my truck and head into town.
*
The past
Watching this blonde bombshell seductively sway her hips has me stopping in my tracks in the middle of Nelly’s Bar. She is in full-on cowgirl mode. Tight as fuck Wrangler jeans, big, fancy sparkling belt buckle, with a plain white T-shirt that makes her standout in the crowd from the black lights.
The weekend crowd has made the place packed, music blaring, and people dancing and drinking like tomorrow may never come. A body bumps into me, nudging me closer to her.
Her eyes light up when she sees me before she crooks her finger seductively as she ignores every male in here but me.
That’s right, fuckers. She’s here with me.
I could not be happier that Shay has seemed to ditch her best friend, making her all mine.
“You dance, cowboy?” Her hand comes up and steals my cowboy hat as she places it on her head. What I wouldn’t do to see her in only my hat.
“Better than most.” My hands grip her hips, bringing her flush against me, before one goes to the lowest point of her back, making her arch into me, while I slide the other up the side of her torso. I reach her arm, heading downward then to hold her hand.
As if on cue, the upbeat dance tune changes into a two-stepping song. I guide her around the floor, showing off by flipping her around my arm, but not before snagging my hat back and placing it on my head again. I give her no time to recover before she’s twirling in my arms around the dance floor.
When the song ends, she’s breathless and her cheeks are flushed. “Can I buy you a drink?” I ask.
“Cowboy, with moves like that, I’ll let you do whatever you want,” she sweetly drawls.
It’s sexy as hell, and the way she winks at me before walking toward the bar has me muttering “holy shit” to myself.
The whole night, our bodies press against each other dancing, while Shay deals with her own man issues.
When the lights finally come on in the bar, we rush into the night air and I bribe a cab to drive us into the country where we live.
Stepping out of the cab, I pull her into our barn, because she’s never been in one before. The look of awe on her face has me stepping in, placing my hand on the small of her back, and loving the way her breath hitches each and every time I do that.
The way she keeps looking at me, her tongue wetting her lips before she nibbles on the corner, drives me crazy. Finally, I decide to do something about it. Tilting my head down, I kiss her like she’s never been kissed before. My mission is to ruin her, so she’s forced to remember my kiss when she leaves to go back to school with Shay.
My plan backfired.
It ruined me instead. She was all I could think about after that.
*
Present
I drive aimlessly, not knowing where to go until I decide upon Nelly’s—our local pub slash restaurant slash pretty much anything Three Rivers needs. Walking into the place, I’m welcomed by a few nods as I head toward my usual booth.
Stopping in my tracks, I see Raya sitting in my seat, in my pub, in my hometown. It’s like the girl won’t give me a chance to escape her.
She must feel my scowl on her, because her eyes fly up, hitting mine with a sad, lopsided grin. Moving my feet forward, I walk up to my booth. “You’re in my seat,” I inform her with a nod.
She looks from me to the rest of Nelly’s, giving me a “you’ve got to be kidding” look. “Where is your name? I didn’t see it.” Her eyebrow lifts, waiting for my answer. Nelly’s isn’t busy tonight, leaving most of the place up for grabs. She could easily move somewhere else.
“I always sit here.” Why can’t she take the hint? Better yet, why didn’t Becca the owner tell her she couldn’t sit here?
“Then take a
seat.” Her hand gestures to the ample space beside her. Her smile widens in challenge. I look around to see if I can get Becca to come to my rescue, only to see Chance the bartender smirking at me. He knew this would ruffle my feathers. Not wanting to give anyone anything to talk about, I grit my teeth, taking the high road.
Instead of saying anything, I slide in beside her, sitting purposely too close, hoping it will annoy the hell out of her. Instead, I feel my shoulders relax, the air in my lungs less heavy.
Life is unfair, I conclude, hating my reaction.
“How was your meeting?” She flutters her eyelashes all too sweetly at me. She is still as beautiful as she was the day I met her. It would make my life easier if she turned all haggard and gotten a smoker’s voice. Instead, I’m forced to listen to that honeyed voice of hers trying to be friendly. I think that’s the part that annoys me. We’ve gone past the point of friendly, and I want to stay mad at her.
“You and the bodyguard?” My eyes narrow on her face as I watch her squirm. She leans back into the booth, moving her hands onto her lap as she sighs.
“We don’t have what you and I did.” Her small dimple surfaces as she forces a smile. “But he’s always been there for me.”
I want to rage at her answer. “That’s because you never let anyone else be.” The accusation slips out as I place my hands on the table, with me continuing to look her over.
She shrugs, not denying any of it, but she doesn’t get angry. She looks calm, her voice smooth, never rising. “Are you going to keep jumping down my throat every time I say anything? Because I came here to actually talk and have a meaningful conversation with you. Sometimes life is bigger than the two of us.”
The righteousness that comes from her mouth makes me want to kiss her so she will shut up. I want to fuck her till she is breathless and unable to vocalize her thoughts. My cock rises as fast as my heart rate, making it difficult to sit beside her.
