by Bowie, Emily
I wait for her to come out with it. I have a feeling she is laughing at my expense somehow. Placing the tray in the oven, I lean back on the stove, eyeing her. Her smirk takes over her whole face. She drives me crazy.
“Just say it,” I demand, unable to take it anymore.
Her smile shows off her perfect white teeth, her eyes lighting up with mischief.
“Still a momma’s boy, huh?”
My fingers twitch, wanting to pull her in. Linking them together, I steeple them in front of my lips, trying to think before I speak. A task I find so very hard around her.
“Still a comedian,” I comment. The urge to kiss her eats at me as I press my fingers harder together.
“Still enjoying your ma’s cooking each night?” she teases me.
“She likes to cook for me,” I defend, hating how childish that sounded. She cocks a questioning eyebrow at me.
My feet take a step closer to her. The air changes with the step. Her body moves to reposition herself. She wants this as much as I do. I can see it in the way she looks at me.
“You’re playing with fire, Ray.” My voice is gruffer than anticipated. We have always had this natural chemistry between us. It’s like a beacon that calls our bodies together, helping fate along the way.
She brings her legs up on the counter, crossing them, trying to look unaffected. I know her signs, the hitched breaths, the way she sucks in the corner of her lip. Her eyes dance the way they used to when she anticipated my movements.
“You have always been my favorite dessert.” I test her, seeing if she will take the bait.
She shrugs cockily, pretending my words have no effect on her. I watch her lean farther back on her hands, her back arching up slightly.
I step closer, our draw to each other moving me. My eyes greedily take her in, allowing her to watch my hungry gaze. This is my way of giving her an out. If she doesn’t want this, she needs to tell me now. I plan to feast on her body, dinner be damned, and she knows it.
CHAPTER 20
I try not to squirm under his scrutiny. His eyes trail over my body, causing my heart to beat erratically. Sex fucks everything up—pun intended. I can feel my panties dampen from wanting him to take control. I want to submit to him, giving me a momentary out from the real life I live. The one in which I’m forced to make big decisions every day.
His finger travels the way of his eyes. It starts at my reddened ankle, going up to my calf before it turns in at my knee, hitting the tender skin of my inner thigh.
“If I touch you here, would I find you wet?” he asks, his fingertip lightly circling the apex of my jeans. It’s just enough pressure I can feel it. I have to force my hips to stay in place and not press into his touch to feel the sensation better.
“Don’t flatter yourself.” My breathless voice betrays my feelings toward him touching me. He smirks like he has me right where he wanted all along.
His finger travels up toward my stomach, making goose bumps explode on my skin. His fingers lightly circle my nipple, its sensation driving me crazy.
“I like your new hair.” He brushes against my collarbone, moving my long hair behind my shoulder. “But I miss seeing your beautiful brown eyes.”
I miss my blonde hair and my natural eye color too. I force the lump that sits in my throat down, visibly swallowing.
“Do you miss this feeling?” he asks, looking into my eyes. It feels like he’s searching my soul for an admission.
My head feels cloudy, causing me to forget what lies I’ve been telling myself. “Every night I go to bed.”
“Why are you fighting it?”
I don’t remember why. Brax is one of the most honest, respectful men I have ever met. Add in his sexy good looks, sprinkled with that charm and sexual charisma, my vagina is begging me to say yes.
“I guess for the same reason you’re still waiting for an answer.”
That’s all he needed. He quickly pulls my legs around his waist and kisses me hard. It’s one of those “I’m never letting you go” type kisses. It feels so good and scares me all at the same time.
I allow all of the stress I carry in my shoulders to seep away, living in the moment. This is where I’m meant to be. Letting go of everything holding me back, I move my hands to rid him of his shirt. My fingers skim his torso, rough and greedy, never feeling close enough to him.
I squeeze at his pecs, feeling them flex under my palm. Unable to help myself, I break our kiss to toy with him. Leaning down, I bite at his small nipple, but before I can sink my teeth in, he’s maneuvering me, lifting my shirt from my body. He tosses it to the ground like it’s a useless piece of material.
“You want your nipples pinched.” His breath washes over my earlobe as I feel my breasts go free from the bra I had been wearing.
His fingers pinch at my already puckered nipples, squeezing hard enough to dance across the pain/pleasure line. My hands go into his hair, leading his mouth to downward to play. I get a moment of reprieve as one of his hands lets go for his mouth to replace. His tongue swirls and licks, reminding me of the skill he has.
All I can think about is him licking my pussy, and me coming on his mouth. The thoughts are completely erotic, heightening my sensation.
The way he kisses my body has me lapping up everything he is willing to give me. I move to each of his touches, allowing him to move upward. His hands dig into my hips, and I can feel him tugging at my pants. My hips automatically lift for him as he slides my jeans down. I shouldn’t want this as much as I do. I never thought I would ever live this with him again.
Even as he pulls my pants down, his fingers continue to skim my skin. Our connection is never severed until the last gentle tug to get my tight jeans off my ankles.
He stands there admiring my almost completely naked body. I don’t feel self-conscious like I normally would. He makes me feel sexy and appreciated. He always had a way of doing that.
“I can’t believe you’re here.” He sounds in awe, his eyes lighting up with lust and desire.
He comes back to kiss me, and I throw myself into his kiss, wrapping my arms around him. I can feel his hands squeeze my ass tight, leaving their mark before I’m lifted off the counter. Automatically, my legs wrap around his waist.
There is a new roughness to his touch, one that needs to dominate me. I’m no longer in control. He moves my body at his will, and I welcome it. It feels freeing.
His movements are fast as one moment we’re kissing, my hips grinding into his, and then the cold sensation of his glass backdoor has me yelping from the sudden hot-cold sensation as my front is pressed against it, his hot body behind mine.
“Put your knee on here.” I feel leather pressed against my bad leg and see it’s a small cube seat. I don’t move fast enough for him; his hands place my leg on it to leave no pressure on my ankle.
His hands tug at my hair, his lips peppering kisses down my throat. Each kiss is hard, bruising my skin.
There is nothing but forest in front of me, but the thought that anyone could walk up to us has my pussy tightening. His hands caress my ass before I feel the snap of the elastic from my thong as he rips my panties away from my body. My body jerks right back, his fingers slipping into me. I moan out in pleasure. I have never wanted anything more than this.
I am lost in the sensations he is giving me before I realize he has stopped kissing my neck. My hips thrust back on his fingers, grinding, needing that orgasm he is promising me. Then I feel his tongue do a slow swipe over my ass cheek, his nose leading the way, pushing my body forward so that he has better access to my sex. He repeats this on the other side before going down on me.
He latches onto my clit, sucking hard on it, and then I feel his finger lightly circle my puckered rosebud. I pause, feeling his light circles.
“Relax.” The word is muffled and vibrates upward.
Closing my eyes, I focus on his tongue. I’m so close. Another lick and suck, and then I feel his finger enter me from behind. The sen
sation is too overwhelming, I cry out, my orgasm hitting me like a tsunami. Everything is too much. The hot-cold sensation, my clit getting the best lashing it’s ever had, that finger of his entering virgin territory.
I stay against the glass, welcoming its coolness on my skin. I’m left breathless, a little shaky. I’m lost on my own little cloud nine. That just happened.
“That is only a promise of what it will be like later.” His voice is gruff. I can feel his hardened cock behind me. Turning, I go to touch him, only for him to move my hands around his neck. “That was for you.”
I look at him, feeling confused. I want to touch him. He must be able to read the expression written all over my face.
“Ray, I don’t want to push you too hard. I need you to be sure when we do this next, because after that, I won’t ever be giving you up again.”
Then on cue, the oven timer begins to ring out, signaling our dinner is ready. I’m not sure what to do here. I feel emotionally exposed, and I hate the feeling. It is this raw, gutting feeling, like I’m losing myself. I no longer know what is right for this situation.
I hate that Brax can read me; it feels too intimate. He walks over to his couch, picks up a blanket to wrap it around my now trembling body, and places a kiss on my lips before tending to the oven.
We sit in silence, watching TV while eating Bagel Bites. Each bite of pizza is another memory of us in my college room, lying on my bed, eating, and watching TV. It’s like old times for us.
“Ray, what happened?”
I look up from the now empty plate, seeing Brax taking a seat next to me. His hand rubs my thigh over top of the blanket he draped across me.
This is a conversation we were going to have to have at some point. Thinking about the first days before and after the fire always messes me up. I sometimes wonder if I damaged my heart too much to ever fully love the way I had before I ruined the life we both wanted.
“My father wanted to buy a marriage, selling me to people who would only further his agenda. In my mind, I figured maybe you and I could run away together. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy and scared. I knew I had to see you, tell you. I told myself that once we saw each other, you would make it right. Then I saw the cops, and I became so frightened that my dad would do something horrible if he found out. I would ruin him with that secret I carried, and because of that, I was scared for my life, yours, and our unborn son. I managed to convince myself that we would never work. I didn’t know what to do.”
I shake my head before continuing, “I should have just talked to you, I know. I do believe we could have figured something out. But I wasn’t thinking straight. I was too afraid. So I convinced Nate to stage a fire, with him and I dying in it, to save the three of us. To allow Madden a future I never had. It was the hardest decision I ever made, and I have never stopped thinking about what if I chose to talk to you first. What if I chose to stand up to my father? What if….” My voice trails off.
I need the time with him not being so close to help gather my thoughts, trying to make sense of all these new feelings that are being dumped into my heart. All the while, my head is scrambling on what to do with it all.
“What did you do after the fire?”
Turning, I lean into him, choosing to rely on him. It’s hard for me, because it makes me feel not strong enough, when I know by letting him in it can only make me stronger. But that value was never ingrained in me.
“We got new identities. Honestly, I was shitty at it. I would forget and call Nate by his real name. I would introduce myself as my other name, to forget days later and catch myself midword. Then Madden was born and I finally felt free.” A feeling I didn’t even know existed until then.
“Every day, I thought about you. I even made Nate find out what you were up to. I couldn’t let you go fully. I think that’s why we never moved that far. I had to be closer to you.”
He hugs me, and it feels overwhelmingly comfortable, like I should have had this years ago.
“Thank you for telling me.” His blue eyes glisten, and I feel like I have done the right thing for the first time in years.
CHAPTER 21
I wake up to my ankle feeling a little better. The swelling looks to be gone, and I’m able to roll it back and forth feeling only a slight tenderness. Flashes of Brax and me last night cause me to smile. Everything about last night was perfect. From the pre-dessert to eating Bagel Bites, then watching TV on the couch. We fell into our old habits and that comfortableness so fast it was unexpected.
There’s no clock in the room, so I have no idea what time it is. It can’t be that early, since the sun is shining in brightly. I can hear Brax moving around in the living room. Standing up, I test my foot, finding I’m able to stand on it, but I have a limp when I walk. By tomorrow, it should be good. Tomorrow, I will have to go home, I remind myself.
Hearing my phone vibrate, it reminds me that I can’t live in this bubble Brax and I are creating. Hobbling over to the bedside table, I pick it up. “Hi, Nate.”
“What time will you be home today?” he asks me right away. I pinch the bridge of my nose, wishing I could mold my two realities together.
“I told you I can’t drive, but it should be fine by tomorrow.” I’m a little annoyed that Nate keeps checking in on me. If it weren’t for him, this would have never happened; he was the one who pushed me to that concert.
“Raya, we agreed upon a day trip. You leave here in the morning, be back by that night. Madden misses you like crazy.”
“That’s low, Nate.” I scold him, “You don’t get to manipulate me.”
“It’s not manipulation; it’s the truth. I hate not being able to be there to protect you. I would feel better if you came home today.” He tries to soften the argument.
“Nate, it’s only been two days. Before this, the longest I have been without Madden is a couple hours. I miss him like crazy too, but I’m kind of enjoying the break.” Nate and I have always been honest with each other, even when the truth might hurt.
“You’re forgetting that I am in this with you. Madden is like my son. Neither of us has been away from him long.”
I really don’t want to get into a fight like this. I rub at my forehead. “You have had boyfriends and taken trips before. You didn’t mind leaving Madden and me alone for three days when he was a year old.”
“Why are you bring this up? Just like you asked, I have never done that again, because you keep throwing it in my face.”
“I’m sorry. I hate fighting with you. I will be on the road to come home at first light tomorrow. I promise.”
“We can come to you if you need us.” Nate always did have a way of melting my heart. He has been looking out for me since I was a young girl. I was his first job, and everything clicked into place. Before him, I never felt like anyone was checking on how I felt about things or would stand up for me. There were a few times I thought he might get fired over standing up to my father. Me going to college was one of them. But he always seems to be able to put things into perspective, for my dad to think it was his idea, or showed him how it would benefit him in the long run.
“No, I need to do this on my own. But thank you. Can I talk to Madden?”
“He’s across the street, riding his bike. I will have him call you once we come in later.” I can hear the disappointment in Nate’s voice as I go against what he wants. We’re typically so in sync that we don’t disagree. But this is one of those rare times.
I can feel the tears build up behind my eyes. I don’t fully understand why they’re there. I miss Madden so much. I feel guilty for enjoying my time away with Brax. I want to build Madden a family with the man I love, yet I’m not sure if that is possible.
Nate has been so good to me. Keeping me sane when Madden was a baby. He has been my sounding board, my companion, my best friend. I don’t ever want him to feel like I’m kicking him out of the picture.
“I love you, Nate,” I tell him, and I do. Not the same way
I love Brax, but the feeling is the same intenseness, just different.
“I know. I love you too. Come home soon.”
Nate ends the call before I have a chance to respond. So much for waking up in a good mood. I let my body go lax, falling back onto the bed. I lie there staring up at the ceiling, wondering what in the hell I’m doing. I have always been so sure of my every move. Why now am I questioning everything, it seems? I try to remind myself this is not the time to have a pre-midlife crisis.
I can still hear Brax puttering around. Grabbing my phone, I finally check out the time. I’m blown away to see it’s already noon. I’m not sure if I’ve ever slept this late in my life before.
Deciding I have to leave this room sometime today, I stand to venture out, feeling hesitant in what I will be walking into. Will Brax and I be awkward? Does he regret last night? Or worse, will he act like nothing happened?
“You planning on coming out of there anytime today?” His voice comes through my closed door from the living room.
Hobbling to the door, I open it fully. “Good morning,” I greet him, embarrassed I slept so long. I face him head-on with a smile; I am so focused on keeping my head up high and faking my confidence that I miss what Brax is messing with.
“Do you like it?” His question brings my attention to him and the toddler bed that is being put together in the middle of his floor.
“Where the hell did you get that?” It sounds more like a sneer than I meant.
“I wanted my son to feel comfortable at his father’s house, so I had this shipped over.” I can see his defensiveness and feel horrible for bring that out in him.
“I’m sorry. You caught me off guard with the sweet gesture. I know Madden would love it.” I try to recover, wanting us to feel like we did five years ago. We had that last night, and I’m scared it may have been in my imagination.
“Really, why is that?”
