‘We need to get help for Miss Barking,’ I told her. ‘Or at least you do. I’ll see you back here.’
‘Where are you going?’ shouted Ivy, but I’d already gone.
Whizz zoom scamper scamper phew!
It was a close thing. I’d only just got back into class when Ivy turned up with Mrs Twelvetrees and Miss Pingle.
‘What on earth has been going on in here?’ asked Mrs Twelvetrees.
By now Miss Barking was sitting up but she was still a bit gaga. She pointed at the ceiling. ‘Her head . . . bang!’ Then she went digging into her big folder to find some instructions for when a kid’s head floats away and explodes.
‘Whose head went bang?’ asked Mrs Twelvetrees.
‘Martha’s,’ said Miss Barking.
‘You mean Martha Swan?’ asked Miss Pingle looking at Martha’s seat. The hooded shape in the blue and yellow spotty anorak was still lying face down on the desk. ‘Martha?’ said Miss Pingle. ‘Can you hear me?’
The shape didn’t move. Miss Pingle went over and took hold of the hood. Miss Barking was going into total panic. ‘No . . . please . . . don’t do it!’ But then Miss Pingle pulled the hood back and Martha sat up.
‘Sorry about that,’ said Martha. ‘I must have dozed off.’
Everybody had a good laugh apart from you can guess who.
‘Argh! It’s a ghost!’ whimpered Miss Barking. ‘I saw her head explode!’
Mrs Twelvetrees gave her a headteacher-ish sort of look. ‘I think you’ve been overdoing it. You better take the next few days off.’
So off went Miss Barking. She was looking a bit wobbly, but to be honest I was feeling a bit wobbly myself. After all, I’d just run all the way to the toilets and found Martha waiting there like we’d planned. If she hadn’t been there, there would have been MEGA TROUBLE.
But then Mrs Twelvetrees had bad news. ‘I’m sorry chaps,’ she said. ‘I’m afraid this rather means that your trip tomorrow can’t happen. You need two members of staff to go with you. What a pity. The mummies are soooo super.’
‘Oh no, that’s unfair! You promised and we want to go,’ said Ivy. ‘Can’t you come with us?’
Mrs T shook her head. ‘Sorry. I’ve got all the half-term reports to check. Miss Wizzit will never forgive me if I don’t do them.’
But then the door burst open and in came Olivia and Gwendoline. They both pointed at Martha and said, ‘That’s not Martha!’ which was a bit funny because anybody could see it was.
But there was no stopping Gwendoline. ‘Here’s the evidence,’ she said and she plonked the Other Martha’s shoe in Mrs Twelvetree’s hand.
‘What is this supposed to mean?’ asked Mrs Twelvetrees.
‘Her feet come off,’ said Gwendoline. ‘Show her Olivia.’
Olivia went up to Martha, grabbed her foot and pulled as hard as she could. Martha just held on for a while then gave a little kick and Olivia fell backwards and crashed into Gwendoline ha ha!
‘That will DO!’ said Mrs Twelvetrees sternly.
Gwendoline suddenly realised how stupid she looked so she turned on Olivia. ‘You told me she was a dummy.’
‘I thought she was!’ said Olivia. ‘Honestly.’
HA HA HA HA HA!
They both went bright red and stormed out of the classroom.
‘What was all that about?’ asked Mrs Twelvetrees.
‘They were just jealous that we’re going on the trip,’ said Ivy. ‘Or at least we were going on a trip.’
That looked like it was going to be the end of it. Miss Pingle opened the blinds and we all had to straighten the chairs and tables then get our project books out. But Mrs Twelvetrees still hadn’t gone yet. She was staring at the wet bit under the radiator, and then she spotted something on the floor and picked it up. It was bit of popped balloon! It seemed to have got her thinking, and then she started having a good look at the shoe.
Oh no, eeky-freak! Of course it was one of my old shoes and it probably still had my name in it . . .
‘Is this yours, Agatha?’ she asked.
I didn’t have much choice did I? ‘It might be,’ I said. I was hoping she’d just pass it over but she didn’t.
‘Would you come to my office to collect it after school? There’s something I’d like you to help me with.’
Oo-er! But you’ll have to wait for a few pages to see what that was all about.
Mummies and Ice Cream
‘This is the coffin of Queen Parpunsniffet and it’s 4,000 years old,’ said Miss Pingle reading aloud from a leaflet. She was standing by a massive great big box with a really cool spooky gold face on it. YES! We had got to the museum to see the mummies after all and it was completely brilliant.
‘Let’s move on,’ said Miss Pingle. ‘Now then, does anybody know what’s wrapped up inside those bandages?’
Bianca’s hand shot up. ‘It’s a bed doddy.’
‘A bed doddy?’ repeated Miss Pingle.
Ha ha ha ha! Hooray for Bianca. We love Bianca.
‘She means a DEAD BODY,’ said Ivy.
‘Oh dear,’ said Miss Pingle. ‘I think a bed doddy sounds much nicer.’
After that we saw some strange spooky statues, and the pots of bits of people’s insides, and then the best part was the film showing how when Egyptians died they pulled their brains out of their noses with a hook before they wrapped the bodies up!
WARNING: do NOT pull your brain out of your nose with a hook. Sorry I’ve got to put that in just in case you go round saying that this book gave you ideas.
When we’d seen everything (including watching the film THREE times yahoo we love it), we went out into the museum park and that’s when something even better happened. There was an ice-cream van, and guess who treated us all?
‘You deserve it chaps, I haven’t had so much fun in years,’ said Mrs Twelvetrees. ‘And don’t gollop down your ice cream so fast Martha! You’ll be sick.’
‘Me? I’m never sick,’ said Martha and then she said ‘OW!’ because Ivy had given her a poke in the ribs and it served her right too the big liar.
Mrs Twelvetrees was lapping up her own ice cream and it was dead funny especially when she said, ‘Oh look chaps, Miss Pingle’s got a little blob of ice cream on her nose!’
Miss P giggled and wiped it off with a tissue but that wasn’t the funny bit. The funny bit was that Mrs Twelvetrees didn’t know she had a great big white splodge on her own chin ha ha ha! She looked like one of those Egyptian man statues with a beard on it. Gosh, it was a lot better having Mrs Twelvetrees on the trip than Miss Barking, but I know what you’re thinking. How come Mrs T could come with us? She was supposed to check the half-term reports, remember?
Top Secret Ending
This last bit is supposed to be a secret between me and Mrs Twelvetrees, but seeing as you’ve read all this book, I’ll give you a clue how she managed to sneak out to the museum. You remember when I had to meet Mrs T in her office after school? Somehow she’d worked out the truth about the Other Martha, and she asked me to give her some help.
All the time we were at the museum, Miss Wizzit had been back at school sitting at the reception desk. She’d been staring at the door to Mrs Twelvetrees’ office. Mrs T had specially asked not to be disturbed, but it looked like she’d been in there an awfully long time!
Miss Wizzit’s a bit nosy, so suppose she’d gone and had a look through the keyhole? (And I bet she did.) She’d have seen Mrs T sitting at her desk with her back to the door, checking the reports. So how was Mrs T able to be in the museum at the same time?
I’ll give you a clue. The Mrs Twelvetrees in the office had her collar turned up and a big hat on. Oh yes, and there was a balloon involved but that’s enough, now SHHHH! Whatever you do don’t tell Miss Wizzit. It’s safer for all concerned if she never suspects. We’ll just let her sit quietly at her desk getting on with some very important . . . er . . . well, whatever it is that school receptionists do all day.
There, you’ve
just read a bit of TOP SECRET information, so don’t let it sneak out. Don’t leave this book lying open on the bus or anything. In fact it’s probably safest if you just do what spies do and eat it. Oh no, here we go again . . . WARNING: do NOT eat this book.
Anyway, that’s the end so I hope you liked it. Actually I was going to tell you about the time when we got Motley the caretaker to eat a million cornflakes ha ha! And then there was the time when Gwendoline thought Ellie was going on holiday to the moon, and then there’s the time when James turned into a mushroom and there’s lots more, but if we put all that lot in here then this book would be the size of a washing machine ha ha! So like I said, that’s the end. Thanks for reading it, bye bye.
The End
(Actually it’s not the end if you want to read the bit about Henry VIII and his wives which fills up the last pages. But if you don’t then this IS the end so you can tick this book off and say you’ve read it WELL DONE have a gold star and a round of applause for YOU clap clap clap without stopping . . . ha ha brilliant.)
How did Henry VIII get through SIX Wives?
by Agatha Jane Parrot
1. Catherine of Aragon
Catherine was from Spain and to start with she was married to Henry’s big brother Arthur but he died when he was fourteen which is a bit sad boo hoo. Then when Henry was king in 1509 he married Catherine instead. She had one baby girl called Mary, but Henry really wanted a boy which is a bit typical of dads isn’t it? So he divorced Catherine then he married . . .
2. Anne Boleyn
Anne only had one baby and it was a girl too called Elizabeth which was no good. After three years Henry got bored of waiting, and he couldn’t get another divorce so he played a very mean trick and had Anne executed in 1536. (Her ghost is supposed to haunt the Tower of London woo-hoo! Can’t say I blame her, I hope she scared Henry SILLY.) Ten days later Henry moved on to marry . . .
3. Jane Seymour
Poor Jane didn’t last long. The good news was that she managed to have a baby boy called Edward the year after she was married. The bad news was that Jane got very ill and died about two weeks later. That was in 1537. Henry was quite upset and waited more than two years before he married . . .
4. Anne of Cleves
Henry saw a picture of this German lady called Anne and it looked so gorgeous that he arranged to marry her before he had even met her! But when she turned up in England he didn’t think she was pretty after all, and even though she was very nice he thought she was a bit boring. He had to marry her anyway but he divorced her as soon as he could, although funnily enough they stayed good friends. Two weeks later he married . . .
5. Kathryn Howard
Kathryn was a lady-in-waiting to Anne of Cleves and she was really young and pretty and so fat old Henry married her as soon as he’d got rid of Anne. He was 30 years older than she was! Unfortunately Kathryn also had some younger handsome boyfriends and when Henry found out he had her head chopped off in 1542 and she turned into a ghost too! The next year he married . . .
6. Katherine Parr
Katherine was nine years older than Kathryn Howard and at one point it looked like Henry might chop her head off too because she had the wrong religion. But Katherine had been married before and so she knew how to talk her way out of trouble. In the end Henry died in 1547 so she was the only wife that survived! But she’s dead now of course otherwise she’d be about 500 years old.
Quiz question!!!
When Henry died himself, which wife was he buried next to? (Clue: she was already dead.)
The answer is Jane and they share a tomb at Windsor Castle and that’s true so you can test people on that if you want. I tried it on Miss Pingle and she hadn’t a clue ha ha!
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Agatha Parrot and the Floating Head Page 4
