by Amy Lamont
Guess this is where my carriage turns back into a pumpkin.
“I don't know what to say, Paige. Why did you hide this from us? And why aren't you at work?”
I sighed. “It's a long story. I'm fine, and I'm sorry you guys found out that way. I was going to tell you. I just...”
I just what? I couldn't even get into all of this over the phone with her. Another hard sigh escaped me. “Can I explain it to you guys when I get home?”
“When will you be here?”
“In the next few days. I promise I'll tell you everything.”
“Including all the dirty details about that hot kiss the photographer captured between you and Jared Sloane?”
I managed a small smile. If Emma was asking for details, she couldn't be too pissed.
I raised my eyes to Jared once again. His entire body was rigid. Guess I couldn't say the same thing about him.
“Yes. I promise to tell you about Jared and me.”
“Good. Let us know when you'll be home so we can all make sure we're here.”
“Will do,” I said.
We said our good-byes and I dropped the phone back on the nightstand. I bit my lip and pulled in a deep breath, searching for the right words to fix things between Jared and me.
But he didn't plan on giving me the chance.
“This whole time, I thought keeping our relationship a secret was about you not wanting the notoriety at school and work.” The ice in Jared's voice made me shiver. “I didn't realize you were hiding it from your best friends, too. I guess that tells me everything I need to know about how you feel about me, doesn't it?”
I jumped up from the bed. “No!”
He put a hand out in front of him. “Save it, Paige. I heard all I need to hear. I'm going to book you a flight back to New York. My manager will make sure you have all the details.”
He turned and grabbed a shirt, and before I could blink he'd stomped out of the room, the door slamming closed behind him with a finality that hurt my heart.
Every cell in my body urged me to chase after him, to fix it.
But really, what would be the point? I knew this was all a fantasy. From the beginning I knew I'd have to return to my real life. The thought of going back to the hospital and my classes without having stolen time with Jared to look forward to ripped my breath from me. I hadn't realized how much I'd come to depend on him to give me those moments that made the rest of my life more bearable.
Tears filled my eyes, but I dashed them away quickly with the back of my hand. I didn’t get to cry over Jared. I’d set things up to end this way. I didn’t get to cry about it now.
For another brief moment, I contemplated chasing Jared down and demanding he let me explain.
But what purpose would it serve? If he’d been getting serious about us while I knew a real relationship between us wasn’t possible, how could this end any way but poorly? Even if I chased him and he forgave me, at some point we’d be right back here. It was easier to just let go now.
A numbness took over my mind, allowing me to start packing. I moved as if I were underwater.
Chapter Ten
The numbness carried me to the door of the apartment I shared with Katelyn, Emma and Jade. But the moment I stood in front of it, keys poised at the lock, everything came crashing down on me and I burst into tears.
I tried to pull myself together, but once they started flowing, I couldn’t stop them. And it turned into the ugly cry—deep sobs, shuddering breaths, and no doubt, the blotchy red face.
I attempted to get my key in the lock twice, but my blurred vision made it an impossible endeavor. Before I could go for attempt number three, the door flew open. Emma stood on the other side.
“Oh my God, Paige.” She flung her arms around me and hustled me into our apartment without letting me go. “Jade! Katelyn! Paige is home.”
Jade stomped into the living room, and judging by her expression, she had a full head of steam she'd been dying to let off. But she took one look at me and slid to a stop.
“Oh, sweetie.” Jade ran to my side, the one opposite of where Emma still hung onto me, and wrapped her arms around me.
“What's going on?”
I couldn't see Katelyn around Emma and Jade, but two seconds after her voice cut off, she joined our huddle. We stood there for I didn't know how long before they had me peeled out of my coat, my bags dragged inside, and had me ensconced on the couch with a handful of tissues.
“I've never seen you like this before,” Katelyn said. “Tell us how we can help.”
I smiled through my tears. Leave it to my friends to put aside being pissed off at me to circle the wagons when I was so obviously upset.
I sucked in a few deep breaths, my chest shuddering as I fought to get myself under control. I swiped at my cheeks with a ball of wadded up tissues and finished by blowing my nose. Very attractive.
My friends sat, surprisingly quiet for a change, and gave me the time I needed to pull myself together. Well, pulled together is probably stretching it. But I did manage to stop crying.
“I'm s-sorry,” I finally managed to get out. “I'm so sorry I didn't tell you guys I was seeing Jared.”
Emma rubbed a hand soothingly up and down my back. “Why didn't you tell us? When I saw the photo of you kissing him flash on TV last night, I figured it had something to do with the bet. But seeing you like this...I'm thinking it's a safe guess it isn't the bet.”
I shook my head. “It had nothing to do with the bet. Honestly.”
“So why didn't you say anything?” Jade asked softly.
I shrugged and tried to think of how to tell them everything that had been going on with me lately. “I guess it started with meeting Jared over the holidays. I owe you guys an apology. I told you he left before anything happened between us. But he kissed me that night and he made sure he had my number before he left.”
“So when we caught you ogling him when we saw him on TV on New Year’s Eve?” Jade asked.
“I hadn’t seen him since the night we met. I figured he’d already forgotten about me, but that week he called me and we went out to dinner. And one thing lead to another…”
Jade huffed out a breath. “I know I should be sympathetic. I mean, you obviously have more important things to tell us than the details of your sex with Jared Sloane.” She leaned in closer to me. “But holy crap do I want to hear all the details of sex with Jared Sloane.”
I burst out laughing and it felt incredible. Like Jade had turned a knob that let out all the stress and tension I’d been holding onto since I left Jared’s hotel room.
I slouched against her. “I’m not going to get into all the details. Some things are private. But let’s just say it was…incredibly, mind-blowingly, stupendously amazing.”
I smiled at them, but they didn’t respond as I expected—with girlie girl squeals and demands for more details. Instead, the three of them stared at me like I’d grown a second, third and fourth head.
“Well, I can’t even imagine what gross combination of things is on my face after all that crying, but since it didn’t seem to bother the bunch of you a second ago, can someone tell me why you’re all staring?”
“You want to keep your sex life private,” Katelyn said, awe in her voice.
Emma nodded. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that. Usually you’re the one offering up so much information, I have to stick my fingers in my ears.”
I bit my lip. It was true. I always shared details of my sex life with my friends. And demanded they do the same. What was it about Jared that made me want to keep all the details to myself?
“Part of it is that things have been bad at school and at work,” I admitted.
“Things have been bad?” Emma’s brows knitted together. “I thought you loved medical school.”
“Ugh, I might have exaggerated just a teeny, tiny bit.” I held up my thumb and index finger with a little space b
etween them. “But that wasn’t really a lie. Or at least if it was a lie, it was one I was telling myself, too.”
“How bad is it?” Emma asked.
I shook my head. “I guess things had been getting bad for a while. School is stressful, but not in the way I expected, and working at the hospital…let’s just say, it’s not my dream job. And then this week, I don’t know. I felt like I couldn’t take one more thing.”
“Oh, Paige.” Katelyn leaned forward from her perch on the coffee table and grabbed my hand. “I wish you had told us you were struggling.”
I blinked up at her. It wasn’t surprising that Katelyn would say something like that. She always had a shoulder for one or the other of us to lean on. But at her words, I was startled to realize it never even occurred to me to tell anyone I didn’t love medical school or working at the hospital. Wouldn’t that have sounded weak?
“I didn’t want to sound like I couldn’t handle it.” My voice came out as little more than a whisper. The idea was a revelation. My friends would never judge me. Even my sisters had admitted to some bumps in the road along the way when they were working to get to the top of their chosen fields.
Emma hugged me. “That sounds just like you. You know there’s nothing wrong with you if you decide you don’t like what you’re doing or if you have trouble with something, don’t you?”
Did I know that? I worried my bottom lip between my teeth, not sure how to respond.
“I don’t know, from everything I’ve ever heard about medical school, I think it would be weird if you weren’t struggling with some of it,” Katelyn said.
“But here’s what I want to know,” Jade said.
I glanced over at her. Her expression was serious, but I half expected her to ask for more details about what Jared looked like naked.
“Are you struggling because the material is hard or are you struggling because you don’t want to be a doctor?”
I blinked and stared hard at her, waiting for the answer to spill off my tongue. It would go something like me protesting that of course I wanted to be a doctor. How silly to imply otherwise. I even opened my mouth to tell her that.
The words wouldn’t come.
Why wouldn’t they come? Of course, I wanted to be a doctor. Didn’t I?
“Paige, do you want to be a doctor?” Emma asked, squeezing my hand.
I turned to her, read the compassion on her face.
“I’ve always wanted to be a doctor,” I said.
“That’s not really an answer,” Jade said.
My heart started beating double-time in my chest. I sank back into the couch and squeezed my eyes tight, as if I could fend off the panic attack threatening to overtake me just by closing them.
“I don’t think you’ve ever really thought about this before.” Emma’s words were tinged with a touch of wonder, making me pop my eyes open.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
She shook her head. “When I moved in with your family, everyone talked about you becoming a doctor like it was a done deal. I guess if I thought about it, I figured you’d been saying it since you were a kid and everyone just encouraged you in your dream.”
“I honestly don’t remember when I decided I wanted to become a doctor.”
“Maybe you never did,” Katelyn said.
I whipped my head toward her. “What do you mean?”
Katelyn shrugged. “Well, you have to admit, you come from a family of…high achievers.”
Jade snorted. “That’s putting it mildly. All of you are a bunch of competitive control freaks.”
I couldn’t help but grin at Jade. She could always be counted on to tell it like it was. And she was right. I had a competitive streak a mile long and just as wide.
“Oh, that’s true. Paige, you probably loved the whole process of getting into medical school. Your competitive side would totally get off on having to get the best grades, excelling at extracurricular activities, and beating out the competition to get into your top choice schools.”
Emma’s words made a lot of sense. I did get a thrill from trying to beat my competition, from fighting to become valedictorian of my high school class, to graduating at the top of my undergraduate class and getting accepted into medical school.
“But by that logic, I should be loving medical school. My classmates are cutthroat.”
“Maybe not,” Jade said. “Since your goal was always to get into medical school, and you achieved it, maybe you don’t have the same drive to graduate first in your class. Maybe the end result just isn’t a big enough incentive for you.”
I fell back into the couch cushions feeling like I’d taken a blow to my solar plexus. I fought for breath as I struggled to come to grips with what Jade said. A big part of me wanted to deny it.
But a larger part felt down to my bones that what she said was true. My competitive nature wasn’t kicking in because I just didn’t care enough about being a doctor.
I didn’t want to be a doctor.
“Holy shit.” I dropped my head into my hands and my eyes burned with more tears. It was a wonder I had any left.
Emma and Jade pushed in closer to hug me and Katelyn rubbed a soothing hand over my hair as the tears flowed into my hands. I cried quietly for a few minutes while my three best friends in the world held me tight between them.
When I had nothing left in me, I sagged back into the couch, completely spent.
Jade stood and plunked her hands on her hips. “I think you need to tell us what’s been going on with you, Paige. From when you started med school to the moment you decided to run off with Jared.”
Just hearing Jared’s name made my heart squeeze painfully. And the idea of laying out the last months of my life and all the stuff I hadn’t shared with my friends sucked the last of my energy reserves. I let my head fall back against the sofa cushions, closed my eyes and put my hands up over my face.
“Don’t worry, though. We’ll feed you first. Pizza or Chinese?” Jade asked.
I pulled my hands from my face. My stomach gurgled at the thought of an ooey, gooey pizza. “Make it pizza with meatballs and sausage and I might consider spilling everything.”
“Deal,” Jade said.
An hour later, I sat back, sated and feeling better with my belly full. Over pizza and wine, I’d shared everything with my friends—how I’d felt starting medical school last fall, how much I hated my job, what it felt like to lose Deanna, and how much fun I’d had on tour with Sliding Violet.
“I can’t believe you held out on us about Jared,” Jade grumbled. She narrowed her eyes at me. “I still think you had something up your sleeve to win our bet.”
“Umm, while I might be shagging the man of my dreams on a regular basis in ways I didn’t know were possible before this winter, I’m thinking running off to go on tour with a rock star still has me beat.” Katelyn popped a piece of pepperoni in her mouth. “And Jade, unless you’re holding out on us, you’ve got nothing. So why would Paige need anything else up her sleeve to win our bet?”
Jade shrugged. “Times not up yet. You and I could both do something completely wild. Maybe Paige was waiting to see just how adventurous we got before she shared.”
I held out a hand, three fingers sticking up. “Scout’s honor. I had no nefarious plans to win the bet.”
“So why keep things with Jared such a big secret?” Jade asked. “That’s not like you at all.”
I propped my elbow on the arm of the couch and rested my temple against my fist. “I thought about that a lot over the last week. At first I thought it was just because it made it more exciting, meeting him in secret.”
“But…?” Emma prompted.
“But…” I blew out a breath. “The truth is, I wanted to keep him all to myself.”
My mind drifted over the time Jared and I had spent together, both the stolen moments we managed to snag in the middle of our crazy schedules and the time we spent together
on his tour this week.
“Everything else felt like it sucked. I’m always exhausted. I don’t love my classes. And I downright hate my job.” God, just admitting that out loud lifted some of the weight from my shoulders. “Jared gave me these little pockets of fun and adventure and peace. I guess I was afraid if I shared, it wouldn’t feel the same way and then I’d have nothing.”
Kind of like I had now. Shit. I walked out on the only guy I’d ever connected with on more than just a surface level. I decided I hated my job, and the thing I’d been planning to do with my life for as long as I could remember didn’t seem like such a great option anymore.
“What the hell am I going to do?” I rubbed my eyes, too sapped of energy to think about what to do next.
Emma snuggled up next to me and I rested my head on her shoulder. Never had I been more thankful for my friends than I was at this moment. My whole life might be imploding, but I knew I could count on them to stand by my side no matter what direction I took.
“You should go apologize to Jared.” Emma sounded so positive and sure.
“I can’t imagine he wants to hear from me,” I said.
“Of course he does. The guy is obviously crazy about you. And you’re obviously crazy about him. You might not be happy with the rest of your life, but since he was the one thing really working for the last few months, I vote you start with fixing things with him.”
I picked my head up from her shoulder and stared at Emma. Despite the churning in my belly at the thought of facing Jared after everything I’d said to him, I couldn’t argue the common sense of her words.
It was true. I might hate my job. I might not be cut out for medical school. But everything in me screamed that Jared made me happy. And maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way about me, too.
If I hadn’t totally wrecked everything by being a major bitch. “Ugh, I was awful to him.”
Emma shrugged. “So you apologize and you move on.”
“When did you get so smart?” I asked.
“Dealing with all my own relationship silliness.” She rolled her eyes a little. “I finally realized that the best way to handle things was to be straight with Nate about my concerns. Turns out I could have saved myself a lot of worrying.”
