Nathan left the seriousness behind and jumped excitedly forward. “Yeah! I would love to.” He fell back into step beside JJ and this time he swung his arms with excitement. “Do you think I can put some of my cereal on my ice cream? That’d be good, don’t you think?”
“I think I might do the same.” Curiosity was going to be the death of JJ. He wasn't sure how much Tessa had told Nathan about his father and the opportunity to ask would only come up while he was alone with him. “So, what's your dad like?”
The excitement dimmed on Nathan’s face and he shrugged. “I don't know. I've never met him. Mom doesn't talk about him except to say I look just like him. Do you think that’s okay? That I look like him? I don’t want Mom to think about him when she sees me, if she didn’t like him.”
JJ felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Tessa never talked about her son's father? She didn't have to tell Nathan that it was JJ, but come on, didn’t the kid want to know about his dad? “Do you ever ask about him?”
Nathan shrugged again, shaking his head and rubbing his nose. “No. Whenever the topic comes up, my mom gets really sad. I tried asking our roommate about it when Mom was at work and Cindy said that I should never mention him, that he was my mom’s long lost love and that it hurt to talk about him.” Nathan stretched out his stride and jumped over a line in the sidewalk. “Anyway, this way we match. She doesn't have a dad and I don't have a dad.” After another few steps of walking Nathan stopped and looked up at JJ. “Do you have a dad?”
JJ nodded slowly, his chest hurting at the turn in conversation. “I do. He’s not alive anymore though.” His mom and dad would have loved Nathan.
Nathan furrowed his small brow in consternation. “That’s too bad. Well, that makes you kind of like me and my mom. We don't have dads around. We could be in a club. The No Dads Club.”
They turned toward the ice cream store. JJ slowed to a stop and sat on a bench set up on the side of the street. He leaned forward, pressing his elbows into the tops of his thighs.
Nathan moved to sit beside him. They watched the lazy traffic which wasn’t more than two cars on opposite ends of the street.
“What’s wrong?” Nathan claimed a few cereal balls from his bag and ate them, watching JJ and the street at the same time. “You look sad.”
“I am, buddy. I don’t want you to be in a club because you don’t have a dad. I don’t want to be in a club because I don’t have a dad and your mom doesn’t have a dad. That’s really sad and I don’t want that for us.” JJ had too many other things in common with Nathan – one big one being he was his father. Of course, he had to talk to Tessa about fixing that lack of knowledge on Nathan’s end, but he had other things in common with the boy than blood.
He was his father, though, and he wanted Nathan to know it.
Nathan’s shoulders slumped. “I know. I don’t either. Mom... Mom and I try to make everything fun, though. Clubs are funner than saying we don’t have dads or we don’t have money or we’re lonely. When Mom cries herself to sleep at night... I want to try harder the next day to be good for her. We have clubs to make us not so sad.”
“Your mom cries herself to sleep at night? Is that because her mom died?” JJ couldn’t believe how much Tessa hid from the world. She was much more vulnerable than he’d thought possible.
“No, well maybe part? She’s been crying at night for as long as I can remember. I asked her one time and she said she’s crying for... um... teardrops and lemonade.” Nathan wrinkled his nose. “But I think she was joking with me. Who would cry over that?”
Teardrops and Lemonade. The country western love song JJ and Tessa had danced to more than once. She’d cried over him and what they’d had. JJ reached out and patted Nathan’s back. “Girls are different, Nathan. But they’re our girls. So what do you do?”
JJ didn’t want to feel bad for Tessa. He didn’t want to think of her crying over the years over walking away from him. She’d been alone, raising his son, but that wasn’t his fault. He’d wanted her and everything that came with her. She’d left him.
But finding out that she’d cried and been in pain all this time when he hadn’t left hurt him more than he wanted to let on.
Why was she so dang stubborn? He couldn't believe everything she’d taken away from him.
She’d robbed him of a wedding, a marriage, a bride, a wife, his son, any chance at happiness and peace in his heart. She’d walked away without looking back.
JJ had to protect himself. His heart couldn’t go through that again. She was back, but for how long? What else was there she could take? How much more would she try to steal from him?
Getting to know Nathan was a dangerous move. If JJ attached himself to the boy and Tessa ran again, that would be a double broken heart and JJ had barely recovered from the first.
Would he have the right to press for time with Nathan as the father? He wanted to split custody and give support financially as much as she would let him, but Tessa was a proud woman. She might deny him the right to support his son.
JJ wanted to grab back everything she’d taken, including her and her stubborn self.
But did he have the right to try and take it all back?
There was a lot for him to move around in his life, but the rate he was going, nothing was worth what his son was. Even if Tessa didn’t want him, Nathan would. JJ was certain of it.
Would she get in his way?
JJ had no other choice but to try and find out.
Chapter 15
Tessa
The trust Tessa felt for JJ with Nathan surprised her. She’d always been nervous leaving Nathan with Cindy and her other roommates, but with JJ watching out for Nathan, she realized her son couldn’t be with a better choice.
She loved Nathan, but the stress was getting to her of always being poor and never feeling completely secure with him. She loved her son so much and she just wanted to provide enough for him, but she was all alone in her endeavors and that stung.
Being a single parent was a lot harder than she’d ever thought possible. She’d grown up thinking she could do it better and differently than her mom had. How stupid she’d proven herself to be.
After a bustling night with three straight hours of packed tables and a backed up order reel in the kitchen, the clientele thinned out around eight-thirty.
The cook – she seriously needed to get his name straight – popped his head out with a grin. “It’s karaoke night at The Stable. They have it once a month down there. We’ll be pretty empty the rest of the night.” He ducked his head back into the kitchen. The errant whistled note carried through the softly swinging door.
Clearing the tables with a bussing bucket and a rag, Tessa cleaned up each booth and table in a sequential order. First, clear off all the dirty dishes she could find in the place and outside. Take the dishes to the kitchen area to run through the dishwasher and sanitizer. Using the washcloth, wipe down every table in sight as well as chairs and booth backs. Clean up behind the bar.
Nine-thirty rolled around and she got out the push-vacuum, glancing at the clock and biting her inner lip. Where was Nathan and JJ? Nathan usually had an eight o’clock bed time and since coming to Bride, he’d had some later nights. Tessa hoped it wouldn’t become the norm for him. She didn’t want him to be on a later schedule. He would start school once summer was over and getting him up in the mornings was only hard, if he wasn’t sleeping or on a steady routine.
The door opened and Tessa turned from cleaning out from under a table. Pushing her hair behind her ear, she grinned at the sight of JJ and Nathan ambling through the doorway. Nathan rubbed his eyes but was still smiling up at JJ. The sight tugged at Tessa’s heart. She longed for Nathan to have a relationship with JJ. She’d wanted a father for herself for long, she hated that she’d taken that from Nathan.
Approaching the counter, JJ nodded, his expression suddenly tight.
Tessa joined them, resting the push vacuum handle on the counter. She hugged Na
than. “I missed you! Did you have fun?”
“Yes! We had ice cream and put our cereal on it.” He stopped, yawning and closing his eyes.
Grinning and shaking her head, Tessa glanced at JJ. “I'll take him up to bed. I’ll be right back.” Tessa reached for Nathan's hand. She didn't wait for JJ’s response. It was his bar, too.
Just like Nathan was also his son.
Nathan walked ahead of her to the back hall and she unlocked the door leading up to the apartment. Normally the door was left open and unlocked, but during business hours, she locked it. She’d lived in Austin and in big cities, you didn’t leave your backdoor open for drunks to find their way inside.
In Nathan’s new room, she pulled out fresh pajamas and left him to change while she fetched his toothbrush and a warm washcloth to wash his face with. Once he was ready, he climbed into bed. She brushed the hair back from his forehead and settled on the mattress beside him. “Did you really have fun?”
His eyes half-mast, he nodded sleepily. “Yeah. We had some really good ice cream and a good talk. His dad is dead.” He rolled to his side, murmuring, “I wish mine was.”
Drifting off to sleep, Nathan missed the shock that froze Tessa’s features. He wanted his dad to be dead? What had happened?
But considering things from Nathan’s perspective, she understood. She’d always wondered why her dad didn’t come back for her, why he didn’t look for her. When she’d found out he was dead, she’d felt a sense of relief. He couldn’t come look for her. He couldn’t because he was gone. After that, she’d imagined how fast he would come to find her and sweep her away. The hope that he’d loved her, even though he hadn’t stayed, had been real and possible instead of improbable.
She wasn't sure what they had talked about but Nathan loved ice cream and JJ had been smart enough to take him for that. Hopefully JJ had liked Nathan as much as Nathan had liked JJ.
Returning to the bar, Tessa wiped her hands down the sides of the apron. Her palms had grown damp with nerves. How did she thank JJ for his help and ask him to come again the next night? He didn’t owe her anything, but there she was asking him like she had the right.
The cook had left judging by the dark kitchen and JJ pushed the vacuum around the entryway. He turned toward the bar, his hands clenched around the handle of the vacuum and his jaw rigid and tight.
Something had happened in that short time frame to upset him and Tessa wasn’t sure what. She’d only been gone a few minutes. Was he mad that she’d left him to cover the bar? She’d told him before he left with Nathan that she would need him to watch the place when they got back.
Stopping at the counter and claiming her cleaning rag, Tessa put her hand on her hip and watched JJ approach. “What's wrong? Are you mad that I left?”
He tucked the push vacuum into the closet beside the stacked napkins and other supplies before answering her. After closing the door, he turned slowly, bracing his hands on the counter opposite her and taking a deep breath. “Not tonight. You left me before this, though, right? You took my son away from me. Why?”
Unprepared for the challenge, Tessa stared at him for a drawn out moment. She lifted her chin and straightened her shoulders. She’d do battle, if that he wanted. She didn’t want that, but she’d do what she had to to protect herself. “We’ve gone over this. At this point, why does it matter? You weren’t ready for a family.”
JJ pushed closer, leaning across the glass countertop and narrowing his eyes. “He's mine, Tessa. You took him away from me. You never even gave me a chance. You took our family away. You should’ve let me decide. You could’ve.” He glared at her. “You should’ve let me choose.”
“Why can’t you let this go? I took away all of your stress and responsibilities when I left. Nathan was one of those. Trust me. You didn’t need to face feeding him, watching him, taking care of him when he was sick, sleepless nights. None of it. We would have been in the way of you going to school and becoming a lawyer. And, look!” She threw her hands in the air, tossing a glance toward the ceiling. “You made it. You’re a lawyer. Had we been here with you, things would’ve been harder. You did it. If you hadn’t, you would’ve had us to blame for getting in the way.” She refused to cry, even as tears pricked her eyes.
JJ closed his mouth and leaned back. He studied her and then a new emotion flashed across his features, one she didn’t recognize. “He's a great kid. I like spending time with him.”
Why would he say that? It was like he was pointing something out and getting ready to make a statement.
Tessa considered him, mulling over what he was saying and what his meaning could be. Suddenly, a rush of fear flooded through her. She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her waist. “Don't take him away, JJ, please. Don't take him from me. He's all I have.” The threat of tears became more real, pushing the limits of her eyes. Don’t cry, Tessa. Don’t do it!
JJ jerked back as if he'd been slapped. “Why would you say that? Why would you insinuate that I would try and steal him from you? Is it because that's what you expect because that's what you did to me? Why would you keep him from me when I was the one that asked you to marry me? When I wanted you? Fine, if you didn’t want me. I’m not going to force you to be with me, if you didn’t love me. But, I’ll be hanged before I’ll let you go on thinking you’re doing anyone any favors by keeping him away from me.”
“I didn't want to leave you. It’s not like I set out that morning to walk away. I didn't want you to blame me for being unhappy. I’d already seen it happen with my own mom and dad. I didn't need that to happen with you.” Tessa tried to breathe around the ache in her chest. She felt like she was fighting for something that wasn’t quite tangible, something she didn’t have the right to want again. “I didn't want to happen to us what happened to my parents. I thought it would be easier this way.” She pleaded for him to understand with her eyes, but his anger superseded his empathy.
“Easier? Ripping my heart out in front of the town and our families was easier?” JJ shook his head in disbelief.
“I didn't want you to leave me.” She looked away from him, having a hard time facing him with the guilt in her gut, but she had to stick up for herself. She had to prove he was better off without her, that she’d made the better decision. “Seriously, JJ, look at what you have now. You have a terrific wife or girlfriend. Celeste is amazing. I met her at the store and she is very sweet. You have your dream job and you even have partnership in a pretty great restaurant. Don’t be mad at me for doing what I did when it resulted in all this. It made you happy in the long run, you know?”
Speechless, JJ watched her, his eyes growing sadder and sadder as he shook his head. He reached out and took her chin in his hand, inspecting her face. “She’s great. She’s everything I should want. I’ll give you that. But she’s not you. My job? It’s just a job. It’s nothing compared to the family you took away.” His softness hardened and he dropped the soft caress of his fingers, clenching his hand on the counter where he dropped it. “I’m not happy. I haven’t been since you left.”
Tessa swallowed, so much confusion swirling inside her she felt seasick. “What do you want?”
“So much, but I’ll settle for time with him. I also want him to know I’m his dad.” JJ studied her, ignoring the freezer clicking on beneath the counter, producing a hum.
Her all-consuming fear ripped through her. She didn’t know what he was saying. Was he going to fight her for Nathan? He probably knew the judges in all the courts. She’d have a hard time finding a lawyer she could pay to help her. Tessa’s lower lip trembled as she flattened her palm against the cool glass counter. “Please, don't take him from me.” She was begging and she didn't want to. And suddenly, she was bitter at JJ for forcing her to do something demeaning.
JJ studied her again, bracing his hands on the counter and just watching her. Finally his features softened. “You’re not hearing me. I’m not going to take him from you. I don’t even need to go to court, if y
ou help me be in his life. I want to be in his life. I want to help support him. Tessa, I need to be in his life. Maybe we can figure something out to help with your schedule. I can take him on the nights you're working the bar. That way I'm not hurting your time with him and you don't have to pay a babysitter or worry about what you’re going to do with him.”
He was trying to help her. That fact was glaringly obvious once she dropped the blinders of her pride.
JJ wanted to get to know his son. At the same time, she didn't want to fall in love with him again. That kind of exposure to JJ would be more than she could handle. She just moved back. She made the choice to have her own business and to stay in Bride. She wasn't ready to have her heart compromised by him.
Not when he was already taken. She’d already survived the last time loss she’d had with him. She wouldn’t be able to survive another one. She didn’t want to fight JJ and everything he offered, and yet she did. She needed to somehow keep her pride intact. She had to protect her heart from being trampled. Could she do so while watching JJ and Nathan together?
JJ rounded the corner, keeping his gaze locked on hers.
He came up close, bracing his hands on either side of her hips and leaning forward. His heat pushed the chill of loneliness away. He lowered his voice, keeping his gaze on her eyes. “Don't fight me, Tessa, he's mine. He's my son. I need him in my life.” He studied her, his gaze lingering on her face and finally dropping down to her lips.
The scent of his cologne filled the space between them, the heat of his body increasing her awareness drastically and she couldn’t breathe. He was taken. He had someone to run home to! What was Tessa doing? What was he doing? Had JJ changed? Was he the disloyal kind now? He’d never been before.
Even as Tessa warred with herself, thinking for sure they were going to kiss, she couldn’t stop herself. It’d been too long. She slightly nodded, as if giving him permission to kiss her, while also agreeing to his terms regarding Nathan. She licked her lips, hoping he’d lean in fast and kiss her with just as much longing as Tessa had for him.
Bride and Prejudice Page 10
