by Quil Carter
Until him.
I let out a sigh and started walking again, the gravel crunching underneath my boots. My whole body ached. I could feel shrapnel in my back; I knew I was going to have to dig out sooner or later. My head swam.
I had no idea what to do. My heart told me one thing and my head told me another. My head told me I was a monster, who wasn’t capable of loving anything, who fed off of people’s pain and suffering, who everyone feared.
But my heart told me I didn’t have a choice. It didn’t tell me what I should do, unlike my head. But every time I thought of Killian it filled me with such a weird, good feeling that I knew I had to do something to maintain it. Touching him had just amplified that.
I chewed on my lip, remembering how his hair felt between my fingers. Just how I thought it would feel…
My head was scared, scared of hurting the kid, scared of being hurt myself. Like losing him had hurt, it had brought up so many fucked up emotions. I didn’t want to deal with that again; I hated that I couldn’t feel the good without the bad. It was a notion I wasn’t used to. Being emotionally dead had been so much easier. Seemed like this kid was a drug though; once you had that taste, good luck getting it out of your head. You would just keep upping your dosage until you became hooked. I had already started doing that.
I brushed my hand over my head absent-mindedly, though I cringed as a jolt of pain ripped through me.
I remembered back to when he was gone, and I told myself to just stick to the basics like Greyson always said. Do the basic shit first, and worry about the rest later. I had to do that now, stop complicating shit, stop overthinking shit. What were the basics now? Now that he was home safe in Aras.
Introduce yourself.
I let out a breath and crossed onto Stone Road walking in between the cars.
Introducing yourself was easier said than done though; he probably would say thank you, shake my hand and go back to his own life. He wasn’t interested… he couldn’t be. I was a maniac and everyone knew it. They might like me a bit more since I saved Killian, but they still despised me. No doubt everyone fucking warned him to stay away from me. Anyone with sense would have… I was over-thinking for nothing. He probably just thought I was some weirdo following him.
I stepped off of an uneven slab of pavement and winced a bit as my foot buckled. As I stopped to rub it a bit, I heard footsteps behind me.
I paused and they stopped.
I stood up and turned around.
I couldn’t believe it.
Killian stared at me like a scaver in a headlight, his bruised blue eyes wide. For a moment we just stared at each other, our eyes locked.
He looked so worried, biting down on his bottom lip. He was standing pretty steady at least and I wondered when he had woken up. Maybe he had been faking being asleep. The thought shot anxiety through me like I had touched a live wire.
He just stood there, a few feet away from me, his lips pursed tight, his face looking so worried and so… shell-shocked. He looked terrified.
I stared. I studied his face, almost not believing I was looking at him.
Then suddenly I could feel the confusion drip away from me like water on wax. My mind started to clear up.
This boy.
I had pulled him from the depths of hell. I had killed for him, bled for him, was ready to kill myself for him. This peculiar boy with the golden blond hair I had actually touched.
My mind went back to the previous day when I held his jeans in my hands and screamed. All I wanted, all my heart pulled for, was to hold him in my arms. Smell his scent, hold him tight. Feel his warm skin against mine.
Why was I wasting time?
I walked towards him, and took him into my arms.
He let out a sob. I held him tight, and we kneeled down on the pavement together.
As he cried into my shoulder, I just held him. I didn’t know what to say. I think in that moment words were meaningless. I just pushed every thought in my mind out and concentrated on him.
I could feel his warm skin against my hands. I could feel his heartbeat through my own chest. I could feel how scared he was, but at the same time could sense the outpouring of relief that seemed tangible on his body.
I hoped I made him feel safe. He should – I was never letting him out of my sight.
When his crying had died down, I pulled away from him and managed a smile. He looked back at me, and smiled back.
My heart felt as if it was going to rip out of my chest it was beating so fast. I took a deep breath.
“My name’s Reaver,” I whispered to him. It was all I could manage at that moment.
Killian just stared at me in shock. There was no doubt he was taken aback that I had spoken to him. Tears were welling up in his eyes again.
“My… my name is Killian. It’s nice to meet you, Reaver.”
I let out a small laugh, and he dove into my arms again, still crying.
“Why are you out of Doc’s?” I asked quietly, gently patting his back.
“I was scared,” he said meekly.
Damn… poor kid. I should have stayed until he had woken up.
I took another shaky breath and smiled. “Well, I heard you were wondering where I lived. Want to see? And… get warm and eat?”
Killian pulled back. He still had that shocked look on his face. “Really?” he whispered
I nodded, then I stood up and held out my hand to him. He took it and I helped him up. We started walking, side by side, towards my basement home.
I kept as close to him as I would allow myself; he still seemed really unsteady on his feet. I didn’t know if I would have to catch him at some point. As we approached my front yard, he looked a bit confused.
“I walked past this place so many times…” he whispered. We crossed the gravelled front yard, and I followed the side of the house towards the back where my old shed was.
“I made it to be hidden,” I explained. “Only Reno, Greyson, and Leo know where it is. I sleep better that way.”
I unlocked the shed and stepped inside. I motioned him in and locked the shed behind us. “I scavenged this from an old army tank. I got it all the way from Fort Gosselin.” I pointed my large tank hatch, feeling a bit proud. I had never been able to show off my house to someone before. I unlocked the tank and crawled inside.
“Just follow me, close the lid and turn the key.”
“Wow.” Killian’s voice was awed. “I usually don’t even lock my doors.”
I know, I said to myself. Thankfully I was smart enough not to say it out loud.
I let out a loud sigh as my familiar den smell filled my nose. It smelled like home. Fuck, it was nice to be home.
Killian stepped out and I helped him stand. He looked around my den and shook his head, he looked almost in awe.
“It’s like we’re in a different world,” he whispered, his eyes darting off in all directions as he tried to take it in. There were no windows, so it was dark, and the battery operated bluelamp was dimming.
My den wasn’t that spectacular, but it was filled with junk Killian had probably never seen before. There was the vending machine I had scavenged; I had rigged it to pop out cans of food. I used it when I couldn’t decide what I wanted to eat. I had a TV and Nintendo, for my Mario games and Tetris. I would teach him how to play. There was a worn-out brown couch, stuffed chairs, some wooden side tables, even skulls from creatures I had killed. Lots of neat shit. Heck, I was a good scavenger.
“You have a stove?” Killian whispered in awe. I had forgotten the kid liked to cook shit. He walked into my kitchen but after the third step his legs seemed to give out on him. I caught him before he could fall, and pulled him to his feet.
“Crazy boy, be careful,” I said with a smile. “Sit down on the couch; here… you haven’t even seen the best part.”
I walked over to the dial for the generator and turned it. I looked around and smiled as it rumbled to life, half a block up. The lights and the heaters turned
on, illuminating the room in a bright white light.
I smiled at him. “See, I even have old halogen bulbs, not the Dek’ko LED crap.”
Killian’s mouth fell open. I couldn’t help but feel joy when I saw his face light up. “I knew it was your generator I could hear. Wow, you have everything in here,” Killian said.
“It took me many years and lots of scavenging. It’s a good home though, keeps the greywastes out.”
I noticed Killian’s face change a bit; he looked around a bit nervously. “No one can get us in here… right?”
I shook my head. I walked over to the second, smaller hatch I had that opened into the tunnel, and locked it in front of him. I tried the handle just to show him it was locked.
“No one knows we are here,” I explained. I tried to make my voice sound gentle. It was challenging but I found it was easier seeing the look of nervousness he had on his face. My mind instinctually wanted to assure him he was safe. “And the shed is locked, the army tank hatch is locked, this hatch is locked and…”
I walked over and pointed to the dead bolt that was on the inside of my bedroom door. “That locks too, from both sides, and the stairs to the top floor are walled off with concrete, and the door is fortified with concrete too.” I held back a dry laugh; saying it out loud just reminded me of how paranoid I was myself when it came to security. If he was worried about being safe, then I was his best friend. “I’ve spent my adult life fortifying this place and making it secure.”
“Wow,” Killian whispered. He tried the tunnel hatch himself, I guess just to appease his own nerves. He sighed and I could see him hesitate.
“Are they going to come for me?” he asked quietly. His knuckles paled as his grip tighten against the hatch handle.
“No… no… they won’t,” I said gently. His eyes widened a bit. I could almost see the reality of what had just happened to him come back. I put my hand over his and squeezed.
“Let’s sit down,” I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. He didn’t move though, but kept trying the hatch handle.
“What if I didn’t close the tank hatch right? Could… could you check for me?”
I looked at his poor terrified face and nodded. I got out my set of keys and unlocked the first hatch and army-crawled up to test the tank hatch. I usually just kept the key inside of the lock since obviously I would be the one to unlock it, but I took the key anyway and slid back down.
“There.” I showed him the key then hung them up beside the hatch.
“Could they set the house on fire?”
“They won’t be able to find us; Greyson wouldn’t let them in. Anyway, they don’t know who I am, or who you were, right?”
Killian wiped his teary eyes. “They didn’t even take my blood… they… they sold me for five cans of fois ras and five tokens. That’s all I was worth.”
I smiled, and put my arm around his shoulder. I tried to walk him to the couch. “Well, I would have paid double that for you.”
My attempt at making my very first joke with him backfired; he burst into tears.
“Shit,” I cursed. I was an idiot. I hugged him and let him cry. “I’m sorry, I’m bad at jokes. I’m sorry.”
His skinny and very cold body was trembling hard as he cried. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. I could feel my shoulders getting wet. Poor kid was hysterical. I wasn’t off to a great start with him. I would have paid double for you. What was I thinking? That was why I never spoke to people.
“They’re going to come to Aras looking for me,” Killian said his voice was wobbly. “What if I put the whole block at risk? What if they figure out where you’re from?”
I petted his hair back and shook my head. “I’ll kill them all; I’ll kill the whole army. I would kill anyone who tried to hurt you.”
Killian pulled away from me. I looked at him soberly then I put my hand up to his face and cradled it. He tilted his head into my hand.
“I’ll never let anything bad happen to you, I’ll be here, okay?” I said quietly.
Killian gazed back up at me.
“Forever?” he whispered.
I wiped the tears away from his face with my thumb and nodded.
“But I’m crazy.”
“I’m crazy too.” I smiled. “Our crazies will cancel each other out.”
“Or make us twice as crazy.”
I let out a small laugh and stood up. I helped Killian up too.
I turned around and took a step. I suddenly stumbled as my mind went dizzy; the floor seemed to move.
I grabbed onto the counter and steadied myself; everything around me tilted and moved.
“Reaver? Are you okay?” Killian was suddenly right beside me. My mind swam, for a split second I didn’t know where I was.
I stood there, clutching the counter as my mind temporarily blanked. I kept trying to focus my eyes on the purple rug I had in the middle of my den, but my vision kept going squirrely. By the time it started to clear away, a few minutes had passed.
“Let’s sit,” Killian whispered. Now it was my turn to feel his hand rest against me supportively.
I wasn’t going to argue, I was just hoping that I did it without falling. I walked carefully over to my overstuffed, musty couch, and sat down. I leaned back and took a deep breath. I was tense, tired, and burnt-out. My chest was tight and my back seemed to burn like it was covered in embers.
“Did the explosion hurt your head?” Killian’s small voice asked.
“They said I have a concussion, it’s making my brain rattle around a bit.” I wiped my face with my hands. I was sweating badly. “I’ll be fine; it will just come and go.”
I felt embarrassed; this wasn’t the impression I had wanted to give him. I had no idea the impression I had wanted to give him but being injured and weak wasn’t it.
I took a deep breath and tried to muster my strength, then I exhaled and with it I forced my body to relax. I tried to tell myself I was safe inside now and to just calm down, but my mind didn’t want to accept it yet. I could understand now why Killian had had that breakdown. It was hard to grasp that we were finally safe.
I was still in mechanical mode. I was so tired, so exhausted; I just wanted to come back down to earth. Feel and know I had done right. I had saved him and now I could relax. I didn’t need to put on a show for Killian.
Just fucking be yourself if you even know how to do that.
Fuck, did I?
Why was this so complicated?
Suddenly I felt something touch my hand and, on impulse, I almost jerked it away. But instead I opened my eyes to see Killian’s pale hand, slip into mine.
I stared, I feeling my heartbeat rise as the quiet enveloped us.
“I’ll take care of your head,” Killian said quietly, squeezing my hand. “I’ll take care of you.”
The corners of my mouth rose. Here was this kid saying he would take care of me. Silly boy.
We both sat there for a while, watching our hands clasped together. Both probably not believing we were actually doing it. His hands looked so much softer and slight than mine; mine looked rugged and dirty. I was surprised at the contrast between the two, but it looked perfect. Our hands seemed to fit into each other’s.
It was Killian who broke the silence.
“I knew you would come for me,” he whispered. “Even when it got dark, it was all I held onto.”
“I will always find you,” I said quietly.
Killian looked at me for a second and I knew he was about to cry again. I was starting to notice cues. Sure enough, a few moments later, he let out a small sob. He looked so sad and pathetic, that empathy feeling came back again.
“Will you hold me again?” he said meekly.
I nodded, and leaned back into the couch. He laid down on my chest, on his side. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my chin on his head.
With every breath he breathed, I could feel my body start to relax. I closed my eyes, taking in every bit of him, and
just listened. Not believing what was happening at that very moment. My hazy mind started to calm down, and though my head pounded and my body burned, exhaustion took over. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep and I knew Killian wasn’t far behind.
I woke up with a grimace; my whole body was burning with pain. I twisted around a bit, but felt something heavy on me. I opened my eyes and looked down.
There he was; it hadn’t been a dream. Or maybe the past twenty-four hours had been a dream and he had never been abducted in the first place.
He was snoring lightly, and though my body seethed in pain, I didn’t move. He was fast asleep; I couldn’t believe he was asleep on my chest.
It was weird though, having someone this close to me. I hated being touched and this boy was just all over me. It was strange, and a part of me was cringing, but I knew that was my weird isolated side and I tried to push past it. This is what normal people who like each other do; I had to keep reminding myself of that. It was just my two sides always duelling. One wanted to keep loving him from afar, the other wanted to be close to him. I hated my damn head.
I moved around, making him jostle slightly. He was light as hell; I swear I’ve had blankets on that weighed more than him. If he was such a damn good cook why was he so paper-thin? I could have tossed this kid across the room.
I moved around and grunted as my body seared in pain. The kid might have been light but it was still pressure on my back.
I looked over at my drug suitcase. It had been so long since I’d had some drugs; the great thing about abusing pain killers was that they also were pain killers.
I stretched a bit, and as I did he started to wake up. Better to wake him up that way instead of me squirming from pain doing it. My body was killing me, any natural pain killer my brain had been giving me over the last few hours as gone now. Time for the artificial shit.
Killian yawned and rubbed his head. His hair was all mussed up and he tried to flatten it down as he sat up. He still looked half-asleep.
It looked kind of cute.
I grabbed my suitcase and opening it on my lap, sifting through pill bottles, clear baggies, and snorting paraphernalia. “How are you feeling?”
