by Quil Carter
“Reaver… don’t let them go in his house.” I pulled away and looked at him pleadingly. “Please? I… I don’t… I can’t have them in his bedroom… finding those things. Please?”
Reaver kissed my cheek and he got up. I heard him in the living room on his radio. He didn’t come back right away though, I heard him rummaging and filling something with water.
When he came back he had some drugs with him. I tried to sit up but it was painful so I had to lean partially on my side.
Reaver gently held the silver tray up to my nose. I inhaled some drugs and sniffed them as far into my brain as I could get.
Reaver stood in the corner as I laid back down on the bed. I pulled the blanket over me and stared forward. I felt him watch me, and I felt the fear and rage emanate off of his body, the two prominent feelings fighting for dominancy inside himself.
He wanted to leave, he wanted to find Asher and murder him. Like he had done Bridley, but Asher was already dead. Asher was buried on top of Perish. The rotting, greasy bones of Perish. I saw his ribs, I saw a swamp of dirt and decaying organs. He was dead, and I would never have to fight for Reaver again.
In the end had I been successful? I had… it hadn’t worked out how I had wanted it to, but in the end Asher was gone and Reaver was safe. The only person who had to physically suffer was me. Reaver didn’t remember anything from that night. Reaver would be okay.
While I was lost in my own thoughts, I saw Reaver leave the room. Then after a while, he came back in.
“I’m going to take your boots and socks off, okay?” Reaver’s voice was a gentle light in my ravaged mind. “Then pick you up.”
I nodded and I felt him unlace and remove my boots, then gently raise me. I heard a door open and then the echoed sound of the bathroom.
I gasped as he lowered me into the bathtub, more from surprise than anything. The water was warm, and full of bubbles. I could smell the intense scent of lavender.
“Is it too hot?” Reaver asked, his voice was caring and full of concern.
I shook my head, I could feel my chest start to relax.
Then he bathed me, wiping the blood gently from my face and my hair, washing the stench of death, blood, and the remains of Asher’s semen from my body. I could feel the warm water wash away the blood from inside of me as well, the stinging reminding me of the wounds deeper inside.
I leaned back and closed my eyes, relaxing more and more with every touch and caress of his body. His touch cleansed me more than the soapy water ever could. I had him back, he was mine now. No one would ever threaten us again, no one would try and control him again. He was safe and so was I.
When I felt his hand gently stroke my cheek, I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I love you,” I whispered.
The look of agony he was trying so hard to hide on his face broke through as I said those words to him. His chest and upper arms shook as his throat made the weird strangling noise again. His eyes broke from my own, and before I could think of stopping him he got up and left the bathroom.
I heard him walk into his bedroom, then everything was quiet but the faint lapping of the bathwater.
Then I heard a faint noise, something I had never heard before. My heart broke inside of me as I heard the quiet, stifled noises. The noises of someone doing everything he can to keep from breaking down. He wasn’t crying, he almost seemed to be choking on his own emotions.
I got up, and found his old robe. I tied it around myself and walked into the bedroom.
He was kneeling in the far corner of his room. Like he was physically trying to get as far away from my ears as he could. I could only see a small part of him from the light in the living room but I could see his shoulders shaking from grief.
I kneeled down beside him and hugged him from behind.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” Reaver’s voice was faint. “How did I let this happen to you?” He shook his head. “I’m smarter than that. I’m better than that.”
“I should have listened to you. I shouldn’t have dismissed you,” he whispered. “You were right, you’re always right. You were right with Asher, you were right with Perish.”
“I’m sorry… it will never happen again.”
Never just an apology… always a resolution that he would never make the same mistake twice. He was always so hard on himself. Never saying sorry because he thought that’s what you wanted to hear. He only said it when he meant it.
“I forgive you,” I said.
“I’ll find him, I promise.”
I looked at his hand. His knuckles were purple and raw from his own rage.
I put my hand over them. “Don’t go after him, don’t leave me.”
He was quiet.
“Don’t take that away from me.”
The expression on his face wasn’t anger, it wasn’t even sadness. It was an expression of physical pain, like a white-hot poker was stabbing through his heart.
He slammed his fist up against the concrete beside him. His shoulders started to shake again. I held his hand and stroked it with my thumb, and as I did I saw him bite his lip.
I watched his tooth slice through the soft flesh, connecting with the bottom set. I wiped the blood away with my finger, and stroked his hand with my own.
I fell asleep sometime while he was holding me, and didn’t wake up until I felt him carefully unwrap his arms from my body and slip away. I missed his touch but I was still drowsy. I didn’t sleep, I just lay still in my own silence.
My interest peaked when I heard Reaver talking on the radio. I laid my head back down on the pillow to try and get back to sleep, but I was already awake. The whole bed smelled like a corpse. I gingerly got out of bed and started bundling up the blankets and the sheets to soak them.
I opened the bedroom door and peeked outside. “Can I come out?” I asked quietly.
“Of course you can, you live here,” Reaver said kindly. He had never talked to me so gently before. It was really weird, but only because I wasn’t used to it.
I nodded and stepped out with the sheets and walked into the bathroom.
Reaver gave an exasperated sigh. I turned just in time to see him taking the sheets from me. “I’ll do that, just… lay down on the couch and turn on a movie. Don’t move and do lots of powder.”
I didn’t argue, I let him take the blankets and tried to sit down on the chair. I yelped as a jab of pain shot up from my bottom.
Reaver stared for a second and I tried not to return his gaze but his eyes were watching my every movement. I laid down half on my side with a painful hiss and reached for the drug tray.
Reaver watched me for a few more moments before he went back into the bathroom.
I stuffed myself with drugs and put on As Good As It Gets. By the time Reaver came back from soaking the blankets I was high, out of pain, and blissfully drugged up.
I usually liked watching Greg Kinnear do things, he always kind of reminded me of Leo, but I found my eyes drooping and soon enough I was hitting zombieland rather hard.
As I dozed, I saw Asher in my head, his lips black and splitting from rot, his eyes full of blood. He was kneeling in front of me, his hand wrenching in and out as he fucked me with the dildo again.
When he opened his mouth to laugh, maggots dripped down like grain, falling onto my stomach, my groin, and my thighs.
“Want to go to the surface?” I heard a familiar voice say.
“No, he’s asleep, just keep your voice down,” Reaver replied in a low tone.
I wasn’t asleep, but my heartbeat and my breathing must’ve been low enough for Reaver to think so. I was still as a statue as I heard Reaver and Reno talking.
“We had three mercenaries who just came back from an escort mission. They took the contract on the spot, plus Billy and Tesco were itching to do some bounty hunting. I put a hundred dollar bounty on Asher being recovered alive. I’m assuming that’s what you want?” Reno said, keeping his voice to only scarcely above a whisper.
/> “Yes, I need him alive.” The way he said need made me anxious, but then I realized there was nothing to worry about. I had killed Asher myself. “Do Greyson and Leo know?”
“Leo’s in the bunker getting ready for a trip to Anvil, but Greyson’s going to talk to him. Greyson radioed Anvil and put out Asher’s description just in case he tries to flee to another block or town.”
“Did anyone find out how he got out of Aras?”
“We found a few suspicious boards he might’ve used as a bridge and scaver holes… unfortunately West Aras isn’t as guarded by the sentries as the other corners. He could’ve slipped out or even chanced a mad dash through the deacon runs.”
Reaver swore. I could feel the tension seeping off his body. “I don’t understand how he could get so far so quickly… his dirt bike?”
“Still here, it’s in his shed.”
“No one has been inside his house, right?”
“Nope, and no one knows what’s going on save Greyson, the bounty hunters, Doc, me, you, and Tink.”
There was some silence. I thought I could hear Reaver pacing. “What all does Greyson know?”
“What I gathered from us finding him. Asher just found him after you two fought and… raped him.”
There was a few moments of silence. “I… I barely even know what happened. I don’t want to ask him.” Another silence fell between the two of them, then Reaver’s quiet voice. “I need you to stay with him when I leave.”
What!? He promised me! I hugged the cushion against my chest to try and mask my accelerating heartbeat. He said he wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t find Asher anyway. I couldn’t have him take off right now. Not so soon after. He would never give up hunting him, he would be gone for so long.
I heard Reno sigh. “Reaver, after Bridley…”
“This isn’t like Bridley, this was my fault!” Reaver suddenly yelled. He swore and I could feel his eyes on me. I tried to steady my breathing so he didn’t think I was awake. He dropped his voice. “He knew something was off with Asher. Did I listen? I told him he was acting stupid, we fought horribly about it, even when I knew, I knew, I was blacking out after visiting him I pawed it off to alcohol. I knew better! I fucked up an already fucked up kid…” I heard a slam as he hit something. “And now… I’m sitting here on my ass, while that fuck gets further and further from Aras.”
“Reaver… do you know how much it would have meant to me… if you would have stayed with me after? Instead of taking off for your ‘two weeks of torture’?”
Silence.
“I killed him for you.”
“I think you killed him for you. Because you felt betrayed, you felt hurt, and you felt mad someone touched your property.”
Reno continued, “Instead of running off, and doing what would make you feel better, why don’t you stay with Killian and make him feel better instead?” My heart jumped, I loved Reno even more in that moment. “We have five bounty hunter mercs looking for him, and all the surrounding towns. They might not be dark horses like you but they are trained. Reaver… he needs you. You have to do what’s right for him, not what feels good to you.”
“You sound like Greyson,” Reaver muttered.
“Good, because Greyson would agree with me.”
I heard Reaver hiss. “This is different Reno. This is very, very personal.”
“And being there tonight when Killian starts having anxiety attacks isn’t personal?”
“I… I was hoping you would stay with him.”
“I’m not his boyfriend, babe.”
“Well, you would probably do a better fucking job than me!” Reaver suddenly yelled. I jumped. It was getting harder and harder to pretend I was asleep. “Look at what I’ve done to him? In the past several months I’ve hurt him in every single way possible. Physically, emotionally, mentally… I’m…” He took a breath. “I’m not cut out for this boyfriend shit, Reno. I’ve proven that with the thing with Perish, and with Asher. When it was just me, I had it all figured out, but now that I have him to take care of – I keep fucking it up. When I do things the way I did them normally but with him, he just ends up hurt.”
There was a heavy silence before he spoke again. “I thought it was because he was weak, but it isn’t… it’s because I’m just… I’ m not capable of being a good boyfriend.”
The tears burned my eyes. I hid my face in my blankets.
“It’s too late for you to leave him.”
I heard a sniff. My heart stopped.
“It was too late the moment I pulled him from that pod,” Reaver said. “I think that part disturbs me the most. We’re intertwined to deal with whatever is thrown at us–”
Reaver sighed. “Life is a lot easier not caring about anything.”
Reno laughed. I heard him clap Reaver on the back. “It is, but that’s growing up. Believe me, my life was a lot easier before I had to worry about you two. You’ve both been giving me some grey hairs recently.”
After a few more light exchanges, Reno left with a slam of the tank hatch.
I heard soft footsteps, then a hand brushed my hair back. I opened my eyes and looked up at Reaver.
“How are you feeling?”
“The pain killers help.” I tried to sit back up but winced. I started to stand but Reaver put his hands on my shoulders.
“I need to go to his house.” I had to get that voice recorder.
The look he gave me told me that wasn’t going to happen. Sure enough, he shook his head. “No, definitely not tonight. Maybe tomorrow.”
“I need to go.” What if Greyson went in there tonight? And it got to Leo? Leo would show Reaver, he still didn’t care for me. “Please?”
Reaver leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Tomorrow morning, as soon as you wake up. I’ll put Matt in front to watch it until morning. He’s been feeling useless lately anyway, it would be a nice sitting job.”
No, no, no, I wanted to go now… but I couldn’t give him a solid enough reason. So many worries filled my head, so much fear. I wanted to ask for Xanax but I was too afraid to go back to sleep. I knew what I would see, the same people I had always seen, and now one more. The most terrifying of them all.
I nodded though, and lay back down on the couch. I didn’t really feel like talking. My mind was too shot to talk, I didn’t even know how I managed to form sentences.
Reaver sat beside me, he was quiet too.
We watched movies for the rest of the evening.
The streets of Donnely were so close together, so compacted, if I held out both hands I could touch each building. Each stroke of brick and plaster was rough and cold under my fleeting touch.
The road was broken shards, as I walked the road twisted my feet in odd directions. I had to hold out my hands to steady myself on the buildings.
Inside I felt a pang of fear; the buildings were getting closer together with every step on the moving, shifting ground. I looked up to see if I could climb but the buildings reached so tall they blocked out the stars and the sky. They became one foreboding object above me, enclosing me like a tomb.
Two hands reached out towards me, but they didn’t pick me up. They pulled me forward and as they did I felt something hard underneath me.
I was on top of something. I looked down.
A corpse, a corpse with a blue plastic bag stuck to his face.
Asher, Asher, it was Asher.
I felt something hard slip inside of me. I gasped and clenched my hands on his cold chest. He moved it out of me and then slowly back in.
It felt good, too good. I let out a cry and started to move my hips up and down on him. His penis was a block of ice between my legs, but it felt good. I didn’t know why.
I kissed the edge of the bag and brought my face up further. I kissed the lips through the thin plastic, cold, dead, like leeches. It smelled so bad, everything did. But I still moved myself up and down, pushing him in and out of me. I felt my chest stir with pleasure.
“I knew you wan
ted me to fuck you.”
He was fucking with me again. He’s fucking with me again.
I screamed and pushed him off me, I reached down and tried to yank the plastic bag off his head.
“Whoa, whoa! Fuck!” I heard a surprised holler then felt scrambling hands.
I sat up quickly, my heart banging in my chest. I looked around desperately, it was pitch black.
He was in the room with me, he was somewhere in the room with me.
I tried to get out of bed.
Asher grabbed me. I screamed bloody murder and started to thrash.
“Calm down, calm down!” Reaver’s voice suddenly sounded. I heard some rustling and the flick of a lighter.
The bedroom lit up in the small flame, the items on the dressers and credenza all casting long black shadowy monsters on the walls.
I looked around wildly to make sure he wasn’t there.
Reaver’s eyes, shiny black pieces of coal in the firelight, were grave with concern. I noticed several small streaks of black on his cheeks.
“He’s not here,” Reaver whispered. “I promise, it’s just our heartbeats in the room.”
But he’s dead, he wouldn’t have a heartbeat.
Reaver reached over and turned on the bluelamp we kept in the bedroom. He turned it down and reached over to put it on my night table. “There, we’ll keep that on all night, alright?”
I still couldn’t talk. I kept examining each shadow to make sure Asher wasn’t hiding behind something. Reaver had stacks of clothes and old scavenged items everywhere, there were so many places to hide.
And the smell… Reaver had flipped the mattress, and we had clean sheets but I could still smell the rot. I could still taste him, taste his dick, taste his semen… taste his life slipping away.
I heard a snap. I diverted my gaze towards the sound. Reaver was snapping his fingers at me.
I stared at his fingers, and as he slowly directed them to his eyes, I found them too.
The black lines on his face were dripping. “Do you want something to help you sleep?”
