by Joanna Wylde
Jax stayed silent for a moment.
“All right,” he said finally. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is,” she said firmly. “I don’t think I can handle anything more than that.”
Chapter Five
“Jax,” Mali asked, delicately licking a bit of porridge off her finger. “How long are you going to stay with us?”
Jax and Sarai shot each other a glance across the kitchen table. Sarai started to speak, but to her surprise, Able cut her off.
“He’s going to be here another week, and then he’s leaving,” the boy replied firmly, a hint of satisfaction in his voice. “Isn’t that right, Jax?”
“Yes,” Sarai said. She met his gaze and held it. “Jax will be leaving in another week. We’ve had a very good visit with him, but he can’t stay forever.”
“Why not?” Mali asked, looking at her mother in confusion. “Don’t you like it here, Jax? I thought you liked us.”
“I do like it here,” Jax said, thinking his answer through carefully. “And I would very much like to stay with you. But I don’t think your mother is quite ready for that, and I don’t want her to be unhappy. Making your mother happy is very important to me.”
“But if you leave I’m going to be unhappy,” Mali said, lower lip quivering.
“Sweetheart, this is a grown-up thing,” Sarai said quietly. “Just because Jax came to visit us doesn’t mean he can stay and live with us. He has his own life. He’s a soldier, you know. He has to go and fight the empire with his people.”
“Soldiers die sometimes,” Able said, a smug note in his voice. Mali burst into tears.
“I don’t want Jax to die!” she wailed
“I’m not going to die—” Jax said, but he was cut off by Sarai’s tight voice.
“Able, go to your room!” Able stomped out, glaring at all of them. Sarai sighed, then got up and moved over to Mali. She picked the little girl up and held her close. “Sweetheart, you don’t need to worry about Jax. He’s a very good soldier, and nobody is going to hurt him.”
“I’m not a soldier anymore,” Jax added, reaching over to touch Mali’s hand. She twisted in her mother’s arms, sliding to the floor and throwing herself into the man’s arms. “I decided to quit being a soldier after I met your mother.”
Sarai froze.
“What are you talking about?” she asked. He looked back at her, a funny expression on his face. Mali had quieted, watching both of them intently.
“Well, in Saurellia only men who don’t have a lifemate are soldiers. I have a lifemate now, Sarai.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Sarai asked. Against her will, hatred boiled up in her for the woman. She’d kill the bitch! “What’s a lifemate? Who is she? How long have you had this woman in your life?”
Jax looked startled, then he began to laugh.
“Sarai, you’re my lifemate, whether you want to admit it or not,” he said finally, smiling broadly at her. “What do you think all this is about? Do you think I just move in with women wherever I go?”
She didn’t say anything, having thought just that. He sighed, then set Mali down on the floor.
“Sweetheart, can you run outside to play for a while?” he asked the child. “I need to talk to your mother for a while. Just grown ups.”
“All right,” Mali said. She headed toward the door, then turned to look at him one more time. “Promise you’re not going to be a soldier and die?”
“Promise.”
She skipped outside, slamming the door behind her.
“Now what is this all about?” Sarai asked. She looked at him, trying to understand. He leaned forward across the table, and took her hands into his.
“In Saurellia, most men never find a lifemate,” he said quietly. “For every woman born, we have at least four or five men. The Goddess only creates one lifemate for each of those women, and they share a unique bond that goes deeper than any other relationship. They can only have children together. Only those men who have a lifemate can inherit property or serve in the local government. Most of us leave by the time we’re in our early twenties, because staying there is just too painful.”
“Well, that’s a stupid system,” Sarai said tartly. Jax looked startled, then burst out laughing. He sat back, apparently overcome by some private joke. Finally he gained control, wiping a tear of mirth from one of his eyes. She sat amazed, having never seen him like this.
“Only you, Sarai,” he said, shaking his head. “Only you would look through the most sacred traditions of our people and judge them like that.”
“Well, it is stupid,” she said, feeling self-conscious. “To kick out such a huge part of your population because they don’t have a wife. Why don’t you just bring more women in?”
“I’m afraid it’s not quite that easy,” he said, smiling sadly. “You see, it’s not like we can just choose any woman as our lifemate. She has to be a Saurellian woman, and she has to be the right one. Otherwise the relationship isn’t stable.”
Sarai grew quiet, allowing his words to sink in. She hadn’t realized until that second that somewhere, deep inside her heart, she had allowed herself to hope things could work out between them. His words cut through her like a knife, severing that hope. It hurt. She kept her face impassive, unwilling to give him the satisfaction of knowing he fooled her. She was about as far from being Saurellian as a woman could be.
“I see,” she said casually. “So what happens to all of you who don’t have a lifemate?”
“Well,” he said. “Most of us become soldiers. During peacetime, we tended to hire ourselves out as mercenaries to different nobles throughout the empire. Of course, now that the Saurellian Federation is at war with the empire, we’ve all come back. None of us would consider fighting against our own people.”
“Wait a second,” Sarai asked, holding up a hand. “Seth took Calla away from here claiming they were going to be married on Saurellia. How is that possible? Was the bastard lying to her?”
“Oh, no,” Jax said quickly. “You didn’t let me finish. Just in the past year or so, we’ve discovered that more and more Saurellian men are finding lifemates outside of Saurellia. They’ve discovered that a large group of people within the empire actually have Saurellian DNA. Nobody knows quite why, but it’s happening. Perhaps the Goddess has a new plan for us, but that’s something for the priestesses to figure out. All I care about is that I’ve found you. You’re my life mate, Sarai.”
“How can you say that?” she asked, gaping at him in surprise. “You hardly know me! We only met two weeks ago. That’s ridiculous.”
“Sarai, a Saurellian man knows his lifemate when he meets her,” Jax said, smiling gently. “They don’t always know right away, but usually pretty quickly. I knew the instant I saw you. You’re mine, Sarai, and I’m yours. The Goddess created us for each other.”
“I don’t believe that for one second,” she said, anger welling up in her. He was lying to her. “I don’t know what you’re up to, but I don’t want to play your twisted little game, Jax. You have no right to just come in here and play with our emotions like this. You saw my daughter—she’s afraid that you’re going to die because you’re a soldier. You can’t tell me you plan to just give up your whole life and stay here with us, because I know that’s not true.”
“Sarai, it is true,” Jax said. “You are my lifemate. No Saurellian man would leave his lifemate to serve as a soldier, not unless her life was in danger. And your life is not in danger; you and your family are safe. I’ll protect you.”
“Okay, suppose what you say is true,” Sarai said, thinking desperately. “Why would I be your lifemate? I’m a Pilgrim; we don’t mix with people from the empire. How would I have this ‘DNA’ stuff that you’re talking about?”
“Well, everyone has DNA,” Jax replied quietly. Sarai blushed, realizing this was probably another piece of common knowledge she’d never learned. Her lack of education was so embarrassing some times…
“But not everyone has Saurellian DNA, right?” she asked quickly, trying to cover her ignorance. “How would I have Saurellian DNA?”
“I have no idea,” Jax said. She looked at him, startled. “No one has any idea. As far as we knew, our gene pool had never been mixed. But they’ve found it in imperial slaves. Why not Pilgrims?”
“None of this makes sense to me,” she said finally. “I don’t understand all these thing you’re telling me. But I do understand one thing. You don’t have the right to come in here and tell me what to do. I don’t have to be your lifemate if I don’t want to.”
“There’s nothing you can do to stop it, Sarai,” Jax said. “The Goddess made us for each other. We can’t help that. By Saurellian law, we’re already married.”
“What?” Sarai stood abruptly, sliding the bench back across the floor with a screeching sound. “I’m not married to you! I’m not married to anyone, never again. Being married was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I won’t go back to that.”
Jax stood too, and leaned his face down close to hers.
“All I meant was that according to Saurellian law, a mated pair is considered married as soon as they first have sex,” he said in low tones. “The marriage is usually confirmed at the temple after the birth of their first child.”
“Child?” Sarai replied, her voice growing louder. “What the hell are you talking about? I already have two children, there’s no way I’m going to have another one. It’s all I can to do take care of Mali and Able. I may be ignorant, but I’m not stupid. One of the first things I did after I got away from Calvin was get a birth control implant. I’m not taking any chances, and I don’t owe you a damn thing. Like I’m going to go through another pregnancy? I don’t think so.”
“Why the hell would you do that?” Jax asked harshly. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for a man of my people to find a woman he can mate with? I’ve been praying to the Goddess this entire time that you were already pregnant. Are you telling me this is just about sex to you?”
“Of course it’s just about sex!” she screeched. “We had a deal. You were going to stay three weeks, and then you’re leaving. I realized we could have some fun during that time, but nothing more. Do you understand me, Jax? This is only about sex. I don’t need or want a husband, and I never will. You might as well get used to the idea, because I’m not changing my mind. We have no future together. Nothing. I don’t even like you. I just like fucking you.”
Jax just looked at her, saying nothing. Then he stood so quickly the bench tipped over behind him as he stomped out of the room. The door slammed behind him, and Sarai sat down heavily. Her heart was racing, and she felt hot. She couldn’t believe she’d yelled at him like that. What would Calvin have done to her if she’d raised her voice to him? She couldn’t even begin to imagine…
A part of her almost felt bad for saying something so cruel to him. She’d hurt him; she could see the pain in his face as he’d turned to leave. But she couldn’t afford to show any weakness. She didn’t want to give control of her life back over to a man, even a good man. The sooner Jax realized that, the sooner he would leave them alone. She tamped down the pain the thought of his leaving gave her. A woman in her situation couldn’t afford to have feelings like that. She had already let him way too far into her heart.
Chapter Six
I don’t even like you. I just like fucking you.
Jax took a long pull on his drink, trying not to let the words play themselves over and over in his head. He couldn’t believe she’d said that; couldn’t believe she meant it. She cared about him. He knew it—it was in every caress she gave him, all the little things she did for him.
If she was just using him for sex, why did she take the time to cook his favorite meals? Why did she wait up for him at night, take him into her arms and hold him even when they didn’t fuck as she so crudely put it? Just holding her, standing next to her was the most beautiful thing he’d ever experienced in his life. She made him happy, content, for the first time. There was no way he believed what she’d said.
I just like fucking you.
Bitch. She was trying to hurt him; he realized that. And she had done a damn good job of it. What had he done to deserve this kind of treatment? He’d been kind and caring, he adored her children. He would give anything to make her happy, and all she seemed to want to give in return was her body. And even that was on a limited basis. He couldn’t kiss her in public; touch her where the children could see them.
She wouldn’t even let him move into her room, insisting that he keep his own even though he’d told her to rent it out a hundred times. A clanking noise caught his attention. The bartender, a pretty woman in her early twenties, stood before him, polishing a glass.
“Want another drink, handsome?” she said, giving him a broad smile. Her look was appraising, an open invitation. He squinted at her, trying to focus on her face. But all he could see were her large, impressive breasts. Something was on them, a nametag. Giselle. She gave a throaty laugh and leaned forward on her elbows, giving him a better view. He realized he could have her if he wanted her, and she’d probably be a hell of a lot more open to him than Sarai.
“Sure, I’ll take another,” he said, smiling at her. But the gesture felt hollow; he wasn’t interested in this woman. He’d spent so much of his life chasing after so many women; he’d never dreamed he could be satisfied with just one. But now that he’d met Sarai, the thought of touching anyone else left him cold.
There was no doubt she was his lifemate.
Who was she to deny that? By Saurellian law, he could take her. He could just take her in his ship to Saurellia, and not a man or woman in the entire system would blame him for his actions. She was his, and only his. She had no right to turn him away.
He took another drink, warming to the idea. That’s what he would do. He’d just take her. He threw down some change on the bar to cover his bill and a little extra for Giselle, and stood unsteadily. His vision blurred, and he wondered for a minute just how long he had been there. He walked slowly and carefully to the door, then opened it.
Someone had turned off the sun.
Wait. No. It was dark outside. He must have been in the bar far longer than he realized. Not that it mattered. He would go collect Sarai and the children and they would go to Saurellia. The people there would explain everything to her, and she’d realize she didn’t have any choice but to stay with him. The thought made him smile, and he started humming a little song as he walked down the street. Everything was going to be fine.
It took him a long time to get home. For some reason he kept turning down the wrong street, and after a while he started getting angry with himself. He had had far too much to drink, he realized. He would have to be careful of that, because Seth had told him that Calvin, Sarai’s first husband, had been a drinker. She probably didn’t like men who drank.
Calvin.
Now there was a man he’d like to kill, he mused. A part of him almost regretted he was already dead. Sarai had killed him herself, though. To save her children. Seth had been there, and told him all about it. She was such a strong, spunky woman. He loved that about her. She was like a wild feline, willing to do anything to protect her young ones. She might not be a Saurellian woman, but she was definitely as fierce as any daughter of the Goddess. She hadn’t given Calvin any mercy when it counted.
An hour later, he arrived at the hostel, and let himself in the side gate. Moving as quietly as he could, he made his way along the side of the building until he reached the little clearing outside Sarai’s bedroom. The door was open just a crack to let in the fresh night air, although the light was off. He looked up at the moon, realizing it was quite late. She’d probably been asleep for hours.
He sat on the bench, staring up into the night sky and thinking. Calvin. Damn he hated that man. He had beaten Sarai, terrorized her and the children. He had controlled their every move on that little asteroid mining station. She hadn’t s
een anyone else for months at a time.
Realization hit him.
If he took Sarai to Saurellia against her will he’d lose any chance of ever winning her love. It was so obvious, he felt like hitting himself in the head. How could he have missed it?
Sarai was afraid to lose her independence, and she was using their sexual relationship to protect her from any kind of emotional dependence on him. As long as it was just sex, her independence wasn’t in jeopardy.
He was a dolt, a complete idiot. Pushing her for sex had given her the excuse she needed to keep him distant. With a clenching feeling in his stomach, Jax realized he was going to have to put the sex on hold. He only had one week left, and in the time he was going to have to convince her she wanted him for more than just the physical pleasure he could give her.
He had to convince her to take him as her partner, her equal.
“Shit,” he murmured into the darkness. It wasn’t going to be easy.
* * * * *
Sarai lay alone in the darkness, wishing desperately that Jax had come home. She couldn’t believe she’d said such horrible things to him. Of course, it had worked. He was gone. That was what she wanted. But now she was finding it almost impossible to fall asleep without him, and just kept thinking about the look on his face as she’d screamed at him
He really hadn’t done anything to deserve that. He wasn’t going to steal her away, Saurellian law or not. She knew it instinctively. He cared about her and the children too much to hurt them like that.
So why are you so afraid of him? She asked herself. He’s not Calvin.
So maybe not all men were like Calvin. She had come to realize that, started to realize it a long time ago. Before she even met Jax. But she still couldn’t quite bring herself to let go of that fear, to put herself into a man’s power. It was such a gamble, trusting a man. Was she willing to risk her children’s future on Jax? For all his talk of being a life mate, she hardly knew the man.
