by Andrew Grey
“What happened?” Foster asked after breaking the kiss to breathe and then resting his forehead on Javi’s. He didn’t want to let Javi out of his sight or far enough away that he couldn’t touch him. He was afraid that if he did, Javi would disappear and this would all be a dream.
“Foster, you need to finish your lunch,” his mother called, and Foster groaned. He didn’t want to share Javi with anyone, even for a few minutes.
“You must be hungry.” Foster went to close the front door and noticed an old canvas bag on the porch. He brought it in and set it next to the door. Then he took Javi’s hand and grinned like an idiot. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“I didn’t know if I should come.” The pain in Javi’s eyes put a damper on Foster’s inner dance of joy. They stopped in the living room. “Things have been very difficult lately.”
“Come on in and let’s get you something to eat. Then we can talk, I promise.” Foster was curious as hell what could have happened. Javi obviously hadn’t had enough to eat in a while. “I’m just glad you’re here.” He squeezed Javi’s hand and led the way to the kitchen.
“I made you a plate,” Foster’s mother said to Javi as soon as he stepped into the room. Javi pulled his hand away, and Foster let it go. Javi would have no way of knowing that things had changed with his family. “Sit down, sweetheart, and eat.”
Javi looked at her skeptically, but he pulled out the chair and sat down. Foster sat next to him and finished his lunch, watching Javi eat.
Foster’s heart raced as a mountain of possibilities opened up in his mind. But there was much he didn’t know and he had to do his best to keep from getting his hopes up. He didn’t know why Javi had come back or what his intentions were. Foster was thrilled he was here, but his heart was guarded. He’d begun healing from when Javi left the last time, and he didn’t want to feel that way again.
“How’d you come to be here?” Grandma Katie asked.
Javi ate fast, shoveling in the food. Foster’s mother put a glass of milk on the table for him. “After we left here, we drove south to pick beans and then moved north with that crop. We’d been picking almost a month when the crop ended. We picked blueberries outside Kalamazoo for a while, and then we were going south again.” Javi continued eating between sentences, and everyone else remained quiet. “My father continued drinking more and more, leaving us alone for longer periods of time.” Javi took a long drink of milk then set down the glass. “We got into Ohio, and Dad said we were going on down to Florida, but we ran out of gas because he’d drunk up all the gas money and there was almost no food.” Javi kept his eyes down.
“If you don’t want to talk about it now….”
Javi shook his head. “We had nothing. Ricky and Daniela hadn’t had anything to eat, and my mom was crying all the time. Someone called the government, and they stepped in to try to help. My father refused, and my mother, who’d had enough, told him that she was leaving and getting help.” Javi stopped, staring at the table. “At that point, they didn’t need me any longer and I was another mouth to feed, so I said that I was going to go out on my own, and that I’d send them what I could to help. So I got rides and walked a lot of the way back here.” Javi went back to eating and seemed to have ended his story.
Foster knew in his heart that quite a bit was being glossed over. From the look his mother and grandmother shared, they thought the same thing, and given the way they looked at him with identical raised eyebrows, they expected Foster to find out. He intended to, but what Javi told him would remain between the two of them. The others’ need to know would have to go unfulfilled.
“Would you like some more?” Foster asked, taking his plate to the sink. Javi didn’t answer right away, and Foster put the last of the potatoes and another sausage on Javi’s plate. Thank goodness his grandmother always cooked enough for a small army.
“Thank you.” Javi didn’t say it had been a while since he’d eaten, but that was obvious by his appetite and the hollow look in his eyes, as if he’d been approaching the end of his rope. Foster sat back down, watching Javi, a mixture of anger, relief, and happiness warring inside him. Anger at the way Javi had been treated by his father, happiness and relief that Javi had gotten away and was here with him. But he kept wondering what Javi’s intentions were and how amazing it was that when he was alone and needed help, Javi had come here to him. That had to say something about how deep Javi’s feelings for him were. At least he hoped that was what it meant. He needed to stop vacillating and second-guessing. Javi had been here less than an hour, and Foster was already putting himself on an unnecessary emotional roller coaster.
Javi cleaned his plate and his eyelids began to droop. “I appreciate all this.” He stood. “I know you weren’t expecting me, and I should probably go. I can’t impose on you like this.”
“Stop that,” Foster’s mother said. “Foster will take you upstairs so you can get cleaned up and rest. You came here because you knew you’d be safe, and you will be.”
Javi turned to him, and heat rose from deep inside Foster. He knew why Javi was here—at least he hoped that was what he was seeing. His mother had to know it too, but she was gracious enough not to push. For that Foster was grateful.
“Come on. Let’s get you upstairs.” He led Javi through the house, picking up his bag along the way.
“I didn’t have anywhere else to go, and I hoped that I hadn’t hurt you so badly that you’d come to hate me.” They stopped on the landing.
“I missed you so much, but I didn’t hate you. You did what you felt you had to do for your family. I understand that, and in your place, I would probably have done the same thing.” Foster set the bag on the floor and pulled Javi to him. The heat in their touch only intensified when Javi kissed him, pressing him against the wall.
Foster pushed against Javi, needing to get closer and letting his mind wrap around the fact that Javi was here with him. He didn’t want to move, but kissing on the landing was probably not the best move, especially in a house he shared with his mother and grandmother.
Javi seemed to have the same idea and stepped away, both of them breathing like they’d run a race. Foster reached for Javi’s bag without breaking their gaze and started up the last set of stairs. With each step Foster could feel Javi’s gaze on him, adding heat and excitement with each movement. By the time he reached the top of the stairs, Foster’s knees were weak. He turned and forced his mind on the task at hand, which was getting Javi settled so he could rest, rather than jumping him right there.
“I’m going to put you in the guest room.”
Javi nodded, some of the light fading from his eyes.
“Talk to me,” Foster said.
“You don’t want me with you?”
Foster sighed. “I didn’t want to force you or make you think you could stay only if you stayed with me. You’re welcome here. Not just in my bed, but because we want you here.” He took Javi’s hand and led him down the hall, where he opened the door to the guest room. He wanted to take him a few steps farther to his room but thought better of it. He said he wasn’t going to force the issue and he meant it. “I’ll put some towels in the bathroom for you, and if you need anything, let us know. We’re here to help.”
“Don’t you have chores?” Javi asked as Foster set down his bag. “I can’t stay here if I don’t earn my keep.” He looked about ready to fall over any second.
“You can help me later. There will be plenty to do tomorrow.” Foster left the room, checked that there were towels for Javi, and put out a fresh toothbrush and other things that Javi might need. When he returned, Javi was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking lost and staring at him.
“Your mom and grandma know?” Javi asked.
“Yes. I was miserable after you left, and they started asking questions. Grandma has been great, and Mom is coming around. Not that she was mad or anything, but she’s accepting who I am.”
“My family never will.”
�
��Is that part of why you left?” Foster asked as he sat down next to Javi.
“Yes. They didn’t need me anymore. My mom is leaving my father. She says she can’t take his drinking and that she knows divorce is a sin, but she has to do what’s best for my brother and sister. I told her it would be a sin for her to stay with him.” Javi smiled slightly. “She agreed with me, but it’s hard for her to go against the church. And I cannot ask her to do it again.” He raised his gaze from his battered shoes. “I have to have some happiness in my life. I probably would have stayed with them if it weren’t for you.”
“Me?” Foster asked.
Javi nodded slowly. “You showed me that I could be happy. I didn’t know what it felt like, and then once I did, I had to feel that way again. This was the only place that I was ever happy, so I came back here.”
“I’m glad you did.” Foster took Javi’s hand. “Don’t worry about anything. Just get cleaned up and sleep for a while. You’re worn out.” He wasn’t sure if Javi wanted to talk or rest. “When was the last time you ate?”
“Like, a good meal? Maybe three days ago. I had some money when I left, but not enough, I guess, and I ran out. I slept in one of the cars that gave me a ride, but I was worried all the time too. What if they tried to steal from me or hurt me? I didn’t know, but I fell asleep because I couldn’t keep my eyes open. That was about two days ago, I think.” Javi yawned and Foster pulled down the covers. Javi stood and walked unsteadily toward the bathroom. Foster stayed close and waited. He wasn’t sure if Javi could stay awake long enough to get back to bed.
When the bathroom door opened and Javi came out in only a towel, Foster got a good look at what he’d missed for months. Javi was more beautiful, even as thin as he was, than the picture Foster had held in his imagination. He jumped to his feet, gently guiding Javi to the bed. When Javi dropped the towel and slid between the sheets, it took all Foster’s willpower not to climb in next to him. Instead, he pulled up the covers as Javi rolled over. That was when he saw the fresh marks on Javi’s back.
Foster swallowed hard, pulled the covers up the rest of the way, and leaned over Javi, kissing him lightly on the cheek. Then he turned and left the room. Before going downstairs, he gathered Javi’s clothes and thought about getting his bag to see if he had other clothes that needed to be laundered but decided that was too intrusive.
“Mom,” Foster said when he got back to the kitchen.
“What are these?” she asked when Foster handed her the bundle of clothes. She took them and nodded. “Javi’s?”
“Yeah. He’s so tired he could hardly move.” Foster lowered his voice. “He’s been beaten. It was a while ago, from the look of it, but I think we need to get him to a doctor if we can.”
“Ask if he’ll go when he wakes up. I’ll wash these.” She patted his shoulder and shook her head. “How could I ever have missed how you feel about him? It’s written all over your face.”
“You weren’t looking,” Foster offered. “And I’m not trying to hide any longer.” He went outside—he had chores waiting.
FOSTER CAME back inside after milking. He half expected Javi to join him, but his mother said they hadn’t heard a peep, so Foster went upstairs while dinner was being made and peered into Javi’s room. It was dark with the drawn curtains, Javi a long, sloping ridge in the bed, his dark hair ragged and longer than it had been the last time Foster had seen him. It didn’t look like Javi had moved at all. Foster entered the room and sat gently on the side of the bed. “Javi,” he said softly, touching his exposed shoulder.
Javi jerked, sitting up with a start, staring at Foster with eyes as big as saucers. Then he calmed and blinked. “Oh,” he breathed.
“It’s all right. Dinner is almost ready, and I didn’t want you to sleep through it.” Foster lightly stroked the smooth skin of Javi’s arm. “I can’t believe you’re here.” He leaned in slowly, giving Javi a chance to pull away if he wanted to. Foster’s heart delighted when Javi returned the kiss, and he felt Javi’s excitement through the sheet as he rubbed him slowly, watching Javi’s eyes roll and listening as his breath hitched. Foster’s did the same. He wanted him so badly, but had to stop. “I shouldn’t tease when I can’t do what I want.”
Javi paused, and Foster pulled away. He shouldn’t do this. Javi had to be the one who said what he wanted. Foster didn’t want Javi to think that staying here or being with him, or anything, for that matter, was contingent on them being together. Foster would help Javi no matter what, and certainly not because of something he got out of it.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Foster answered. His leg shook with excitement, and he turned away, because if he kept looking, his resolve was going to slip away. “We need to get ready for dinner.” Foster stood, reading the confusion in Javi’s expression. “I don’t want to push you.” He turned and went back to the door. “Mom washed your clothes for you. We weren’t sure if you had anything clean with you.” Foster indicated the chair by the door where he saw the small pile of clothes his mother must have set there.
“Thank you.” Javi got out of the bed, and Foster groaned at Javi’s nakedness.
“If you’re doing that on purpose…,” Foster began and then hurried out of the room, breathing deeply, thinking unsexy thoughts so he wouldn’t be sporting wood when he went to dinner. He was so keyed up that it took until Javi came out of the room, and then Foster’s excitement rose again, undoing most of what he’d been trying to deflate.
“Are you sure it’s okay if I stay for a little while? I can go and….”
“Yes.” Even if he stayed in the guest room, Foster would let Javi stay as long as he wanted to. He hoped Javi would want to stay with him, but…. “Just relax.”
“Javi,” Foster’s grandmother said happily when they entered the kitchen. “Did you have a good rest?”
He yawned. “I don’t remember falling asleep. But I must have been tired.” Javi turned toward the window. “I slept the whole day?”
“Yes, you did, sweetheart. Now take a seat.” She placed the food on the table and set a pitcher of milk next to it. “How long were you on the road?”
“About a week,” Javi explained. “I walked a lot and got some rides with people. Mostly they were nice.”
Foster passed him the potatoes. “I’ve never hitchhiked.”
“I don’t recommend it. Some people do it all the time, but when you’re a hungry Latino man….” Javi caught Foster’s glance and smiled. “I guess we don’t need to go into that.”
“Did someone hurt you?” Grandma Katie asked.
“No. But they tried. They stopped, and I grabbed my stuff from the backseat. Unfortunately it was raining, so I ended up walking a few miles before I came to a town outside South Bend. I got a hotel, but that took most of my money, and after that… I just kept walking.”
“Where did you sleep?”
“If it was dry, in the woods by the highways, wherever I could find a dry place. I knew where I wanted to go and had to get there… well, here.”
“You had no place else to go?” his mother asked. “No other family?”
Foster shot her a stern look.
“No, ma’am. I wanted to see Foster. My family….” Javi’s thought trailed off, and Foster handed him the platter of chicken. “I’m sorry I intruded. I’ll get my things.” Javi pushed his chair back from the table. Foster looked at his grandmother, panicking. Then he shot his mother a withering look that made her flinch.
“You’ll sit down and eat. Then after dinner you and Foster can talk.” Grandma Katie reached for his hand. “You are welcome here, and we’re glad you came to us.” She smiled, and Javi sat back down.
“Don’t worry,” Foster said to try to reassure him, patting his hand.
Javi nodded once and began to eat… and eat.
“I do like a man with an appetite,” his mother said after a while, most likely trying to make up for her earlier comment. Her backpedaling did little to ease th
e tension around the table.
Foster had never been so happy to see a meal come to an end in his life. He and Javi left the table, and Foster put on a jacket to go out to the barn. Javi seemed anxious to come with him, so he got him one he could borrow and led Javi out.
“I don’t think they want me here,” Javi said as they walked across the yard.
“They have questions, that’s all.” Foster turned to him. “They don’t know you like I do or have the same feelings for you that I do.” This was all so much more complicated than when he’d just hoped that Javi would return.
“So what should I do?”
Foster pulled open the door to the barn. “Tell me what really happened.”
“I did.”
Foster shook his head. “You glossed over it, but I saw the marks on your back.”
Javi slumped. “My dad was drinking and he got angry.”
“Why?”
“He found my notebook.”
Foster tilted his head slightly to the side. “What notebook?”
“After I left, I got this cheap notebook that I kept in the bottom of my bag, and I wrote my thoughts in it, about how I missed you and wished I’d been able to stay. Things about what we did and how much I loved you.” Javi covered his face with his hands. “I know it was stupid, but I couldn’t hold it in, and when my dad was looking for money, he went through my bag and found the notebook.”
Ice zinged up Foster’s spine. “Oh God.”
“I didn’t know anything about it until my father got me alone. He was drunk. He took off his belt and whipped me until I could barely stand. He burned the notebook and told me if I ever acted that way again, he’d—” Javi’s voice broke. “—he’d cut me.”
Foster shivered and it took him a few seconds before he could move. Then he pulled Javi to him. “Is that when you left?”
“Sort of. He disappeared after that, and my mom got the help, like I told you, but I had to get away from him and from them. It was safer, and this way they won’t hate me. I had nowhere to go, and all I could think of was trying to get back to you. But I should have known that was too much to hope for.”
