As much as it pained him, he removed her hand. “The timing isn’t right,” he forced out despite his raspy breathing.
“Sure it is.”
She rolled on top of him and pushed his underwear down. “I’m ready for you. I can take you in.”
He stopped her before she could take him inside her. “No.” He quickly rolled back onto his side, careful that she landed softly on the bed. “It doesn’t feel right. It feels like you’re forcing this.”
“That’s ridiculous. A woman can’t force these things.”
Noting the blush in her cheeks, he paused and tried to think of the best way to explain it. “You’re not ready. Emotionally. You need more time.”
“I need more time? All I need is to be wet enough for you to get the job done, and I’m wet. I don’t understand you. Why did you ask for a mail-order bride if you didn’t plan to do this? Why not ask for a nanny for your son instead?”
He winced. “I don’t think of you as a nanny.”
“No? That’s all I’ve been since I came here. All I do is take care of Gilbert and tidy up around the house.”
“You’re more than that. You’re my wife.”
“Then why don’t you treat me like one?”
“I will when the time is right.”
“And when will that be?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? I don’t understand you at all. What’s there to know? We said the vows. There’s nothing else to do.”
He tried to explain what he was waiting for, but he didn’t completely understand it himself. “I’m sorry. I wish I could explain it, but I can’t.”
She stared at him for a long moment then let out a huff and turned onto her side, her back to him.
The tension was thick in the room, and for the life of him, he couldn’t grasp what he’d said or done to upset her so much. And he sensed now wasn’t the time to ask. He’d be better off waiting until tomorrow when everything calmed down. After a moment, he dared to ask, “Do you want me to sleep somewhere else tonight?”
“That depends on whether or not it’s the right time to do it,” she muttered.
He already knew she wouldn’t let him hold her. Not tonight anyway. Turning his back to her, he stared at the wall, wondering what he did to upset her and how he could make it better.
He didn’t fall asleep for a long time. He wasn’t sure if she did either. He heard her steady breathing. So maybe she had. Several times, he wanted to roll over and hold her, if nothing else than to be reassured that she’d forgive him. But he didn’t think she’d welcome his touch at the moment so he didn’t. Finally, he was able to drift off into a fitful sleep.
***
Sadie woke up before Al did the next morning, and she quietly left the bedroom. She carried the kerosene lamp out with her since it was still dark out. He didn’t mind the dark, but she did. She always wanted to know what was going on around her. Too many bad things could be hiding in the shadows.
She put some wood in the cookstove to warm up the room then cleaned up around the place, trying to do everything she could to avoid thinking about last night and the argument she’d had with Al. She didn’t want to argue with him. The days had been so pleasant since she came here. But it seemed as if she couldn’t help messing things up.
Why couldn’t he just finish consummating the marriage? Then she wouldn’t have to keep living in dread of when he’d finally get around to it. It was worse because she couldn’t tell him why she wanted him to get it over with. Of all the times she’d spent wishing men wouldn’t need to give into their baser urges, it had to be with the only one who was actually allowed to.
As she dusted the shelves, she reminded herself that Al didn’t know how much she dreaded it. He thought she was a virgin and, therefore, uncertain of what to expect. She wished she was a virgin. Being uncertain would be much easier to cope with. How she wished she didn’t know the way men used women for their selfish pleasure.
Setting the cloth down, she went over to sit in the rocking chair and placed her face in her hands. This wasn’t the person she wanted to be. She was becoming bitter and she didn’t like it. She’d fought that part of herself from time to time. It was easy to give in and let bitterness take over. Then she’d be as cold and unloving as her mother had been when she’d been consumed by bitterness after her father’s death. So consumed, in fact, that she’d dropped Sadie off and never looked back, despite Sadie’s cries for her to come back. Or as bitter as Jefferson who used people to get whatever he wanted. She saw the fruits that came from a life of bitterness.
She shivered. That wasn’t the kind of person she wanted to be. She wanted to be a blessing to Al and Gilbert. She wanted them to be glad whenever they saw her. She wanted Gilbert to raise his hands in hopes she’d hold him when she entered the room. She wanted to be worthy of their love.
Releasing her breath, she straightened in the chair and studied the small cabin. It was still quiet since Al and Gilbert were sleeping. This place, for all its simplicity, was one of peace. She could be happy here. She had been happier here than she’d been since her pa died. This could be a place of joy and laughter if she’d only open herself to it.
And that meant she’d have to wait for Al to be ready to consummate the marriage. She couldn’t force it. She’d just have to go through each day and live with the dread. It wasn’t a sacrifice. Not when she had endured having a man take his pleasure with her many nights in the past. She could do this. She just needed to stop dwelling on it.
The bedroom door creaked open and she turned her gaze in time to see Al peek out. Despite the tense argument they’d had, she caught a chuckle rising up in her throat. “You can come out here,” she whispered so Gilbert wouldn’t wake up.
He opened the door further and stepped into the light. Too late, she realized she was only wearing one of his shirts, and that hardly covered her legs. She cleared her throat and tucked the shirt around her thighs as much as possible. For some reason, she didn’t feel it was appropriate to be in such a state of undress around him. Of all the men she might feel a shred of modesty with, she didn’t think it’d be her own husband.
He walked over to her and knelt in front of her. Taking her hands in his, his gaze met hers. “I’m sorry.”
It took her a moment to realize he was actually apologizing to her. “Al, you have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I keep turning you down. It’s not fair of me to make the judgment of whether or not the time is right for us to be intimate. If you want to do it, we should.”
“Really?”
“It’s both of us in this marriage. Your say needs to have equal pull with mine.”
Her initial reaction was relief. She could get it over with and stop worrying about it. But then would she be any better than the men who’d forced their will upon her in the past? It hadn’t mattered to them if she wanted to do it. They wanted it and that was all they cared about.
She opened her mouth to answer him when Gilbert’s cry came from the other room.
“Let me take care of him this morning,” Al said then rose to his feet. “You should go back to bed and get some more rest.”
“I’m not tired. And besides,” she glanced at the window, “the sun’s coming up.”
“Alright, but if you need to rest today, I hope you do, especially since we’re supposed to go to Aunt Betty’s for supper.” He headed for Gilbert’s room then stopped. “Of course, we don’t have to. I can always go over there and tell her we’re not coming if you’re too tired.”
She thought about taking him up on his offer since she wasn’t looking forward to meeting a woman who could tell whether or not someone was a good person just by meeting them. But Al was being so gracious to her, giving her freedoms that she never dreamt a man would give a woman. The least she could do was meet his friend. “I want to go,” she finally said.
He smiled. “She’ll like you.”
As he turned to go to Gilbert’s r
oom, she could only hope he was right.
Chapter Nine
Sadie would be lying if she didn’t admit that she was a bundle of nerves. It wasn’t that she considered herself shy around new people. Certainly, she’d been around enough of them, men and women. But from what she gathered about Aunt Betty, she was a decent woman—one who’d always done everything right. Could such a woman figure out Sadie wasn’t the person she was pretending to be?
Releasing her breath, she finished brushing her hair then pulled it back into a bun. After pinning the bun in place, she gathered her hat and slipped it over her head. She took a step back and inspected her reflection in the mirror. She looked very much like a lady, someone proper and decent, someone who would be a good match for a gentleman like Al. But when she lifted her gaze to her face, the reality of who she was struck her hard. Whore. That was exactly the type of lady she’d been. This dress, the taking of Hazel’s name, this matter of being a wife... It didn’t change anything about her past. About who she truly was.
“I don’t belong here,” she whispered then sat on the bed before her knees gave out.
She quickly brushed her tears away, silently demanding they stop. She hated crying. It seemed that most of her life, that’s all she’d done. And she was tired of it. All she wanted was to be happy.
“What’s so wrong with that?” she asked aloud.
But no one could answer the question, least of all her.
A gentle tapping at the bedroom door brought her attention to Al who poked his head into the room. “The horse and wagon are out front. You ready?”
Forcing a smile, she nodded and rose to her feet. Despite the slight shaking in her legs, she managed to cross the room so she stood before him. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “I’m ready.”
To her surprise, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to his side. “You have nothing to worry about. Aunt Betty will like you.”
“You can tell I’m nervous?”
“Don’t be embarrassed. It’s natural to be nervous.” He gave her shoulders a light squeeze then kissed her cheek. “I’ll get Gilbert then we’ll go to the wagon, alright?”
He released her and she slowly headed for the door. She shouldn’t be surprised he detected her mood, but she thought she did a better job of masking her feelings than that.
She took her shawl from the hook and slipped it around her shoulders. She really needed to get a handle on her emotions. If she wasn’t careful, Al would suspect she wasn’t Hazel. She was already pressing her luck by not consummating their marriage. Not that she hadn’t tried. But for some reason, he kept insisting they needed to wait until the time was right. She didn’t understand that at all. Since when did men need the time to be right to be intimate with a woman?
The door behind her shut, and she turned to see Al holding a bundled up Gilbert. This time when she smiled, she didn’t have to force it. The two looked so cute together, and Al was such a good father. It was refreshing to see a man who cared about someone other than himself.
“I’ll take him,” she said, holding her arms out to the little boy.
He handed Gilbert to her and they headed for the wagon. After he helped her in, she settled the boy on her lap and tucked the hood closer around his face. When he looked up at her, he shot her such a heartwarming smile that more tears sprang up in her eyes. But these were tears of joy and they felt so wonderful compared to the other kind. Truly, she wouldn’t mind this kind of crying.
“He likes you,” Al said.
Her gaze shifted to Al. “Pardon?”
“Gilbert’s taken a liking to you.”
“Oh, he’s just a baby. He’s trusting of everyone.”
“Well, there’s no denying he already thinks of you as his ma.”
“I am his ma.” And that felt good to say. She tucked a few errant strands of his blond curls back into the hood then wrapped him in a protective hug. “I had no idea it could feel so good to be a mother.”
Al winked at her before he released the brake and led the horse forward. “You’re a natural at it.”
Pleased, she turned her attention back to the boy and studied his expression as he took in the trees around them. For him, everything in the world was new and fresh. The future loomed in front of him, ripe with adventure and excitement. It was easy to forget the past when she saw the world through his eyes.
Al took them down the path, and instead of taking them down the way that led to town, he went in the opposite direction. “Do you go to Aunt Betty’s often?” she asked, wondering how many times Gilbert had been this way.
“More often than not, she comes over to my home, especially after I found Gilbert.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “Found Gilbert?”
“You remember what I told you about him in the letter I wrote you?”
She wanted to say no because she didn’t read any of the letters he sent Hazel, but she knew she couldn’t. Not without giving herself away. How did he end up with Gilbert?
“Um...of course,” she finally replied. If Hazel hadn’t been so ill, Sadie was sure she would have told her what she knew about Al.
They came upon another twist in the path, and he took a left. “We’re almost there.”
Gilbert squirmed in her arms so she set him up, allowing him to get a better view of their surroundings.
“I’m glad you can hold him while we go on these trips,” Al said, motioning to the boy who babbled in contentment. “He was getting bored having to lie down in his bassinet all the time.”
“He’s curious about the world. Everything is brand new to him,” she commented. “Everything must be exciting for him.”
“It probably is.”
Up ahead a cabin larger than the one Al owned came into view. “I’m guessing that’s Aunt Betty’s house?”
“It is. There are a few houses around the area, but they’re easy to miss when you consider all the trees.”
Gilbert continued his happy babbling as they came up to the house with two stories to it and a large porch. Out front, a dog barked a greeting but stayed by the two girls who were playing. One was pushing the other on a swing that hung from a sturdy tree limb. An older boy, who was whittling something from where he sat on the porch, glanced up then hurried into the house.
“Aunt Betty’s got four children still living with her. The others are already on their own,” Al explained.
“How many children does she have?”
“Ten.”
Her jaw dropped. “Ten?”
“She jokes that all her husband has to do is look at her and she’s expecting again.”
“Usually, I’d say that is silly, but considering she has ten, I think he should stop looking at her.”
He chuckled and pulled the horses to a stop. “Seeing as how he’s always talking about how pretty she is, I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon.”
She waited for him to come around to her side of the wagon and let him help her down.
“Is this your bride?” a young girl called out as she ran up to them.
“Yep,” Al replied. “She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Sadie detected the pride in his voice and looked at him, a flicker of guilt threatening to emerge from the place she had successfully pushed it down. He was really paying the high compliment to the woman he assumed Sadie was, not to the person she really was. Hazel would deserve the praise, no doubt. She didn’t think he’d sound so happy if he knew the truth about her.
Pushing aside the unease, she returned his smile then looked at the girl. “Al is a wonderful husband. No woman could ask for a better one.”
He placed his hand on the small of her back and kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”
The front door of the cabin creaked open and a plump woman waved to them. “Don’t be a stranger, you two. Come on in and make yourself at home.”
“Guess who that is,” Al said, turning his gaze back to Sadie.
Though there was no one else it could be, given the woman’s cheerful demeanor, Sadie decided to answer him. “Aunt Betty.”
“She can’t wait to meet you,” the girl chirped.
“I’ll bring in your cloth and sewing kit. You go on in,” Al told her.
Taking a deep breath, she nodded and followed the girl to the cabin. She walked with her up the steps and glanced back in time to see Al picking up a crate from the back of the wagon. Then her gaze went to the boy and other girl who watched her. Did they figure out she wasn’t really Hazel? Did children have a sixth sense about these things?
“What a pleasure it is to meet you!”
Sadie’s attention went to Aunt Betty who embraced her. “Al told us all about you. Well,” she chuckled and patted Sadie’s arm, “only what you told him in the letters of course. I hope you don’t mind. He was so excited when he finally got a reply, he came right over to tell me that he found the woman he’d be spending the rest of his life with.”
“I don’t mind,” Sadie assured her as she followed her into the cabin. The aroma of biscuits, a cherry pie, and a roast made her mouth water. “It smells good in here.”
“Ma’s known for her good cooking,” an older girl—probably sixteen—said as she hurried to set the dining table.
“I love it. It’s my passion in life,” Aunt Betty said, her smile growing wider. “Besides taking care of my family, of course.” Her gaze went to Gilbert and she rubbed his back. “You’re getting bigger all the time. Before you know it,” her gaze went back to Sadie, “he’ll be walking all over the place.”
Would he? Sadie had no idea when babies started walking.
“He’s already taken a liking to you,” Aunt Betty continued. “I told Al that if Gilbert took a liking to the woman who came up here to marry him, then he’d better get her to a preacher right away. Babies don’t lie. They know who the good ones are.”
Did that mean Sadie met her approval? But how could the woman know anything about her, other than what was in the letters? And just how much had Hazel written? Too bad she hadn’t been able to read Hazel’s letters when she found them in the house.
The Mail Order Bride's Deception Page 7
