by Andres, Lisa
Jesse felt like an orphan in more than one way growing up, and especially then. The rest of their family was still in Philly, where the rest of the Dubickis had settled after they’d come over through Ellis Island from Poland when his dziadek was a baby. Dziadek grew up and had heard that jobs were more plentiful in Minnesota, so he came there, met his grandma, and stayed. He’d only met one of his great-uncles that came to visit once when Jesse was a kid because Dziadek and he had been close when they’d been boys. Just one great-uncle; that was it. They’d never had enough money to travel, and that was that. His mother’s family was in northern Minnesota, which was a few hours by car from Minneapolis, and they’d lost touch after she’d died so many years ago.
There was no way he could let his daughter grow up without a father after feeling alone so much of his life. He was so damned mad at Haley and her parents for not telling him he had a child. He’d missed out on her birth, her first steps, her first words, everything! But he was not going to miss out on the rest of her life, even if he had to take Haley to court to work out a custody arrangement. He was a fighter in the ring and in life, and he would fight to know his daughter if necessary. He knew that Haley had a vindictive side and hoped that lawyers would not be needed to figure out an arrangement to share their child that worked for both of them. First, she abandoned him, and then this. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to forgive her, but he’d try for the sake of their child.
His thoughts had been a jumble between his newfound daughter Violet and Carissa all morning. First, he had to try to straighten things out with Carissa. He felt terrible that she’d been there last night but was not ready to tell her about his daughter yet. Not until he found out more from Haley. He’d tell Carissa all about things later. Once he digested everything. First, he had to clear up the misunderstanding that Carissa thought she saw the night before.
He got into his pickup truck and listened to the music that soothed his soul on the way over to Carissa’s: Amos Lee’s “The Man Who Wants You” followed by Thomas Rhett’s “It Goes Like This.” He liked all kind of music, but, at the end of the day, he always found his home in country music. It was honest music that always resonated with him more than any other genre. Right then, he needed the peace the music temporarily gave him because he had plans to talk to both Carissa and Haley. Both were going to be battles in some way. He pushed his worries to the back of his mind as he pulled up to Carissa’s and got out of his truck.
He made his way to Carissa’s door and knocked. And knocked. He picked up his cell phone and called her, and it went straight to voicemail. He knew she was there. She had worked an early shift that he knew was over by then, and he could see her car out front. He pounded the door again impatiently with the side of his fist. He was not going to give up that easy.
“Carissa, I know you’re in there. Please, at least come to the door,” he pleaded to her. He rested his forehead on the outside of her door in a moment of surrender.
“Jesse, go away.” He heard her voice muffled behind the front door.
Thank God. He hadn’t heard her footsteps, so she must have been there the whole time.
“It is so NOT okay for you to keep knocking like that when I clearly do not want to talk to you.”
“Carissa, I’m sorry. Truly. But I need to talk to you. You left last night without even giving me a chance to tell you my side of the story.”
Silence.
“Carissa, I know you’re there. Just give me five minutes. Then if you need me to leave, I will.”
She cracked the door open slightly, showing one side of her face. Her eyebrow was in a defensive position while looking him up and then down for what seemed like hours to him.
Finally, she opened the door. “Five minutes. That’s it.”
He walked in at her invitation, feeling thankful she’d give him that. For the moment, he’d take what he could get. He followed her into her living room. She sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair adjacent to the couch. She moved to the opposite end of the couch as if trying to make herself an island. Her eyebrow was still up in that defensive position.
“Speak. You’re down to four minutes and thirty seconds, Dubicki.”
“Carissa, what you saw last night was my high school girlfriend, Haley. I haven’t seen her since she left town suddenly when her family moved right after we graduated high school. It broke my heart: I thought we were going to be together forever. I’m not going to lie to you. It took me a long time to get over her. I was mad she sought me out. She wanted to make her amends with me.”
“What, is she in AA or something?”
“No.” He was starting to learn that when she used sarcasm her defenses were up. “Like I said, she broke my heart. She came back to town and was trying to apologize.”
“Well, you looked pretty cozy for having been mad at her.” She crossed her arms, waiting for his response.
“Carissa, I was a little taken aback that you would walk in there and then run out. When Kelsey said that you might be upset, I felt like an ass. Forgive me. We were just together for a long time and still have that familiarity. Don’t mistake that for something that it’s not, I’m begging you.”
“Then why the HELL did she kiss you? You didn’t stop her,” Carissa demanded with her hands placed defensively on her hips.
“Carissa, I didn’t ask her to do that. I didn’t even know it was coming.”
“It didn’t look to me like you were pushing her away.”
She was softening a bit, he could tell, but he still wasn’t out of the dog house.
“Listen, Carissa.” He sat on the edge of her couch and tried to rub the stress out of his temples while he spoke. “She left me four years ago. Left me. Just gone. Don’t tell me you don’t know what that feels like.”
She winced as he said it, and he was sorry for it but knew he was getting through to her.
“I have never felt so abandoned. I had dreams of a future with her. It was long over by the time you came along, but I didn’t have the closure I needed. I’m so, so sorry that you saw it, and I can only imagine how that looked. I didn’t like her touching me, but I wanted answers.”
“I understand, sort of. Jesse, you know I’ve been hurt, and you know how badly. How would you have felt if the shoe was on the other foot?”
“I would not have liked it.” His fist clenched at the thought of anyone getting near to her like that. He was instantly sorry and wished he could take it back. But not if that meant that he’d never know about his daughter.
He moved toward her. She let him. He gently reached his arms to her, and she let him hug her.
Carissa lifted her face to him. “Jesse, I can forgive you. I just need to know this won’t happen again. I didn’t like seeing you with another woman, no matter what your past is.”
“Carissa, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“I hope so, Jesse, but it’s hard for me to trust. If you do something to make me not trust you, I won’t be able to get past that. I’ve been lied to, I’ve been abused, and it’s hard for me to trust or rely on anyone. I guard my heart with everything I have, and you are the one person that has made me think it was worth trying to open myself up to. Please don’t take that for granted.”
A tear fell quietly down her cheek, and he brushed it away with his finger.
“Hey, Carissa, don’t cry. I am so sorry that I did anything that might hurt you, and I will do my honest to God best to make sure that never happens again.”
“Promise me, Jesse.”
“I promise,” he said as he kissed her tears away.
***
A half hour later he pulled up to the apartment Haley was renting with his daughter. My daughter. Jesse still was having a hard time absorbing everything, and he was about to see Haley to talk about things and meet Violet, their child, for the first time. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it; he wasn’t sure how he was going to explain it to Carissa after the fact, but first he had t
o get through the meeting and some of the details with Haley.
The door opened before he got all of the way up the steps, and he saw Haley standing there with a little girl on her hip. His child. It was surreal.
His daughter had dark hair like her mother, and her head was framed with curls. She leaned her head on Haley’s shoulder and had her thumb in her mouth. She looked at Jesse with uncertainty and, as he approached, turned her head into her mother’s shoulder. She was shy, of course, because he was a stranger, which was about to change.
They walked into the house together. Violet stayed on her mother’s lap as they sat down at the dining room table just inside the door. He noticed that Violet seemed very clingy to her mother and wondered if that was his presence or just a stage of hers. He wanted to know so many things about her, but first things first.
“Violet, sweetie, this is Jesse.”
Violet looked up at him with her big brown eyes. They were his eyes. She still sucked her thumb as her mother continued, “You’ve asked why you don’t have a daddy; Jesse is your daddy, honey.”
Violet’s eyes grew big, and she turned her face back to her mother’s chest as if she were trying to get away from him. He knew the feeling.
He reached forward and put his hand lightly on Violet’s back.
“Hi, Violet. I’m Jesse. You can call me Jesse, or you can call me Daddy. It’s up to you. I’m sorry I haven’t been in your life before now, but I’d like to change that. And I’d like to be part of your life, if you let me.”
Violet peeked at him with one eye slightly, as if she were sizing him up. For such a little girl, she seemed very wise. He suddenly felt something he could only describe as a source of pride swell in his chest. He wished his dad were here so he could ask him if all the things he was feeling right now and all the things he would feel about being a dad were normal.
They all moved into the living room. Jesse sat with Violet on the couch, and Haley brought over some toys for Violet to play with. After the toys were on the couch between father and daughter, Haley went to sit over on a chair to give them space to get to know one another. Violet was shy at first but soon began to play with her toys. She reached out to Jesse to help her play. They continued to play for a little while, and Violet started to get sleepy. She actually nodded off to sleep twice and quickly woke herself up before Haley came over to pick her up.
“Let me just put her down for a nap, and then we can talk. Violet, say goodbye to Jesse.”
Violet just kept her head buried in her mother’s chest and didn’t look at him. She made an unintelligible sound which he supposed was her way of saying goodbye. He felt a little pang of disappointment that their first visit was over so soon, but hopefully he would see her again soon.
Haley walked back out alone a few minutes later.
“Let’s go sit at the table, Jesse. I don’t want to wake her. She just got a toddler bed, and it’s like a shiny, new toy to her. It’s hard for her to get to sleep sometimes, and, now with you here, I’m afraid there may be so much excitement that it’s hard for her to sleep.”
Jesse got up and followed her to the dining room table. She sat down on a chair adjacent to him so they could face each other as they spoke.
“Haley, I want to be a part of her life. I don’t know how this will work, but I want to work out an arrangement so that I can see her regularly. I will pay you child support, too. If you want, we can work this out without having to go to lawyers, but I will consult one if I need to.” Jesse was unconsciously wringing his hands together as he spoke.
Haley reached out and placed her hand on his hands. “Don’t worry, Jesse. We will work this out.”
“I hope so, Haley. You know my history, and not having one parent was hard for me growing up. I don’t want Violet to wonder who I am, and I don’t want to not know her. Now that you’ve told me about her, and now that I’ve met her, I can tell I’m already falling in love with her. She’s mine. She looks like me.” His eyes sparkled with pride.
“She does. You don’t know how many times a day she reminds me that she’s yours with just a look or a movement.”
“Haley, it’s completely unfair that I didn’t get a say in her life until now, but I’m going to let that go. I’m grateful that you’re back here and that you told me about her. Thank you for that. You seem like you’ve done a great job raising her.”
“I was hoping we might get a second shot at a relationship. Maybe we could all be a family,” she said as she reached her hand to rest on his knee under the table. It gave him a start. He moved his leg away and placed her hand back on her leg.
“Haley, you have to know that I have a girlfriend. It took me a long time to get over you, but I am over you. I’m happy with my girlfriend Carissa, and I will always respect you as my child’s mother, but that will be the extent of our relationship.” Haley looked visibly disappointed as he continued, “We will be parents to this beautiful child, but nothing more. I’m sorry. But like I said, I’m happy with the relationship I have now.”
Haley looked down, hoping to disguise her fury at Carissa for coming in between her and her child’s father. She asked a few questions about the two of them, and finally said in resignation, “Well, Carissa is one lucky woman.”
They made a tentative visitation arrangement and agreed on an initial number for support before Haley walked him to the door. Jesse had a pang of regret that he couldn’t say goodbye to Violet but took solace in knowing they would see each other soon.
As the front door opened and Jesse was about to leave, he heard the pitter patter of his daughter’s little footsteps flying out of her room. He turned to look at her, and she held her little arms up as she ran towards him. He reached down and swooped her up into his arms. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. He held her for a moment and told her he would see her again really soon before saying goodbye to her. She didn’t say a word to him, only smiled and nodded as he put her back down on the ground again.
This was such an odd turn of events, but such a welcome one. He had found a wonderful woman to love, and now he had a child to love. It would be strange to tell people about his kid, but he didn’t care. He loved her already, and he hoped that Carissa would love her, too.
Chapter 18
Carissa had woken up feeling refreshed. It was good that she and Jesse had talked things out the day before. It was hard for her trust people, yes, but she was already falling for him, so she was glad to know it was all a misunderstanding.
After a good day at work, Carissa decided to stop at the Quarry shopping center and get some groceries on the way home. She wasn’t a really big fan of grocery shopping, but a girl had to do what a girl had to do to keep food in the house. Especially if Jesse was going to be there every once in a while and she had to cook for two.
She was waiting at the deli for her lunch meat and noticed another woman watching her. She looked familiar; Carissa suddenly realized that it was the old girlfriend of Jesse’s from the other night. That would explain the looks, but how the hell does this woman know who I am? Carissa suddenly wished she looked a little bit better and didn’t have on work clothes, but it didn’t matter. Jesse was with her and not that woman from his past. Carissa noticed the woman had a little girl in her cart as they started towards her.
“Hi, I’m Haley,” the woman said and smiled at Carissa as she extended her hand. “You’re a friend of Jesse Dubicki, right?”
“Hi. Carissa. I’m his girlfriend, actually.” She reached out her hand to Haley to be polite. She couldn’t wait until this awkward meeting was over.
“I thought I recognized you from one of his fights on TV. Forgive me if I was staring,” she apologized, placing her hand on her chest apologetically.
Carissa nodded.
“I just came back in to town to see how he was doing. He and I have a lot of history.”
“Yes, I suppose you do,” Carissa nodded at her as Haley continued.
“We were together for
over three years. This is our daughter, Violet,” Haley said, gesturing to the small child before her. As she did, Carissa looked at the child and realized she had a strong resemblance to Jesse.
Fuck. Carissa fought the bile rising in her stomach. She forced herself to fake a smile and asked, “How old is your daughter?”
“She’s two and a half. Aren’t you, Violet?” Haley said, looking down at the little girl with Jesse’s eyes. Violet responded by putting her thumb in her mouth as she studied Carissa’s face.
Carissa started to feel like the whole thing was playing in slow motion like a movie. A bad movie. The little girl looked just like Jesse. She willed away the tears that were threatening to fall until she could get out of there.
“She’s beautiful.”
Haley thanked her.
“I just forgot I have somewhere else I have to be. Please excuse me,” Carissa said, abandoning her partially full grocery cart in the middle of the store.
She didn’t let herself break into a run until she got out into the parking lot and headed for the safety of her car. As soon as the door closed and she lowered her body into the driver’s seat, she let the tears fall. Her body shook with sobs before she could finally think. She didn’t understand. Jesse told her that Haley was his ex-girlfriend and nothing more. Why would he not tell me this yesterday? Are some men just born liars?
She felt sick and betrayed, but she’d be damned if she was going to let Jesse go before at least demanding an explanation from him. She should have known better than to trust him and scolded herself as she drove to Dubicki’s through the haze of tears.
A few minutes later, she pulled up to the bar that housed Jesse’s apartment upstairs and made her way up the steps that led to his apartment door. She knocked. She was greeted by Carson, Jesse’s roommate.
“Hi, Carissa. Are you okay?” Carson said as he opened the door, gesturing with his hand for her to come in.
“Is he here?” she asked coolly as she walked across the threshold and stood just inside the door.
