by Like, Macyn
I nodded at Alisha, not even sure what I was agreeing to, and she smiled, squeezing my arm again before grabbing her cup off the counter.
An hour or so later we left the coffeehouse. I drove us back to the building. We were standing in the space between our doors and I didn’t know what to say, I just rambled on about the concert and how we should do it again sometime. I really wanted to do it again sometime.
Marissa nodded. She was staring up at me, and her lips slightly turned up, her eyes wide. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she wanted me to kiss her. And I wanted to. I really did.
I looked down at her. She didn’t know what she was getting herself into. She didn’t know me, not like she thought she did. It wouldn’t be fair to her. I couldn’t give her everything she needed, everything she deserved. It wouldn’t be fair.
It wouldn’t be fair…
My lips found hers. Her arms slipped around my neck, pulling me closer, and I couldn’t control it anymore. All the longing I’d been feeling consumed me and my hands were on her back, in her hair. I needed her to be closer to me, needed her to feel this yearning that I’d been carrying around with me ever since the first time I saw her. I just needed her.
After several moments, I let my arms fall slowly to my side and pulled away. She sighed softly as she backed towards her door. I stood still, thinking my heart might explode from all the electricity running through my veins.
“Goodnight,” I whispered.
“Goodnight.”
I slipped into my apartment, careful not to wake Kiera or my nephew. I walked into the bathroom and closed the door softly behind me. I flipped the lights on and grabbed the edge of the counter, bracing myself against it and looked at myself in the mirror. My lips were slightly shimmering with tiny little sparkles. Her lip gloss, I thought.
What was I doing? I shook my head. I eyed my sparkly lips again and couldn’t help but smile. I wasn’t sorry that I’d kissed her. But I was afraid I would be.
Chapter 17
Marissa
I walked straight to the bedroom, my pets trailing behind me. I collapsed on the bed, pulled a pillow over my face, and let out a victorious squeal, kicking my legs in the air wildly. When I finally removed the pillow, George and Oatmeal were on either side of my head, staring down at me, probably contemplating my sanity, and Tulip had her front legs on the edge of the bed, doing the same. I smiled at them. They might’ve thought I’d gone nuts, but that was okay. I couldn’t remember a time when I was ever this happy.
Kieran’s kiss had felt exactly as I imagined. Warm and soft, electric. It had left me wanting more. I blushed when I thought of his hands on my back, in my hair, pulling me closer, like we couldn’t be close enough.
I took a deep, blissful breath and walked back into the living room where Tulip’s neon pink leash was lying on the coffee table. “Come on, girl,” I said, picking it up and waiting by the door.
My purse, which I’d thrown on the couch, started buzzing. I dug around for my phone, finally grasping it on the last ring. I looked at the screen and frowned.
1 Missed Call: Shayla
What could she want at one-thirty in the morning? Not that she’d never called late before, but still. I pressed her name on the screen to call her back.
“Riss?” she answered after the third ring.
“Shayla, is everything okay?”
“I don’t know, you called me.”
“No, you called me.”
“When?”
“Just now,” I said.
“Oh. Sorry, I must’ve pocket dialed you.”
“Oh. Well, since we’re on the phone anyway, what’s up? Did you work tonight?”
“Yes, and then Paul took me out to dinner, and now we’re just hanging out at his friend’s house. It’s kind of boring,” she whispered.
“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for dating a forty year old man.”
“Paul is not forty. He is thirty-eight, and he is very handsome and kind and stable, and he’s just what I need.”
“I’m not going to argue with that.” Shayla didn’t really have a great track record when it came to men. Paul was a breath of fresh air compared to the last three, two of which were currently incarcerated.
“What’s up with you? Don’t tell me. Cookies and Rom Coms, right?”
“Nope. I just got in, actually.”
“Really?” she asked, a hint of skepticism in her voice. “Where’ve you been?”
“Well, first we went to a club to see this local band play, and then we went to this little coffee shop.”
“Hold up. Who are ‘we’?”
“Just some friends.”
“Friends? When did you get friends?”
“Well, they’re not really my friends, but they were cool.”
“Whose friends are they?”
“This guy I was with.”
Shayla gasped. “You were with a guy? So you’re seeing someone?”
“I think so. I mean, he hasn’t put a label on it, but things seem to be going in that direction.” I bit my lip as I felt another blush cross my cheeks.
“Is it that guy from work?”
“No, but I did go out with him. There’s nothing there, though.”
“When did you go out with him?”
“On Labor day, and then the day after.”
“Why am I just now hearing about it?”
“Because, there’s nothing to tell. It wasn’t that great.”
“Who are you seeing then?”
“My neighbor.”
“Neighbor? When did you get a hot neighbor? Wait.” I waited as she tried to recall all the people she’d seen when she’d come to stay the weekend with me. “Nooo!” She breathed, finally realizing whom I was referring to. “That gorgeous guy with the longish hair?”
“Yep.”
“Oh, Riss! He’s smoking hot, but he’s not your type. He’s my type. My old type,” she amended.
“No, really. He’s not the bad boy we made him out to be. Well, maybe he used to be, but not anymore. He’s a teacher.”
“Teacher? You’re kidding. I would’ve pegged him for a tattoo artist or guitarist or something.”
“Nope. He’s really sweet.”
“It sounds like someone is in pretty deep like with him,” Shayla teased.
“I am.”
“Has he kissed you yet?”
“Yes.”
“How was it?”
“Amazing.”
“That’s my girl. Listen, I’ve got to go before Paul comes looking for me, but I want to hear all about this later. Call me tomorrow? Not too early, of course.”
“Okay.”
I ended the call and sat the phone on the coffee table. I clicked the TV on and channel surfed until I found some acceptable background noise and then walked into the kitchen. I was way too keyed up to sleep now. I pulled out the flour and the sugar and flipped my recipe book to a new page.
Chapter 18
Kieran
When I woke up the next morning, Kiera was in the kitchen feeding Skylar.
“You got in late,” she said, offering Skylar another spoonful of mushy cereal.
“Yes, I did.” I winked at her as I grabbed a mug out of the cabinet above the coffeemaker. “Did you already make coffee? That is so thoughtful. You are so thoughtful, Kiera,” I said, filling my mug with the steaming black liquid.
Kiera laughed. “Someone’s in a good mood.”
“Yes, I am.” I sat my coffee on the small table and leaned over to kiss Skylar on the head.
“This wouldn’t have anything to do with the girl next door, would it?”
I shrugged, trying to play it cool, but my lips betrayed me, turning up in a giant grin.
“So, we had a good date then?” she asked.
“Not a date. We were just hanging out with my friends.”
“Then I guess there wasn’t any kissing or anything like that?”
I sucked in my bottom lip and
looked at the wall, feeling the redness creep into my cheeks.
“There was! Yeah, it was definitely a date.”
“Maybe it was,” I said.
“And you’re okay with that? I thought this girl was off limits or something.”
“She is. Well, she should be. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t seem to stay away from her.”
“Then don’t.”
I gave Kiera a pointed look.
“I’m just saying. You need to get over Becca and move on.”
“I am over Becca and I have moved on.”
“Sure, you have.”
“Kiera, can we talk about something else? You’re killing my vibe.”
“Fine. Just tell me one thing.”
“Yes?”
“Does she make you happy?”
I brought the mug up to my lips and took a big gulp. “You know she does.”
“I know. I just wanted to make sure that you knew.”
I took another sip of my coffee and looked away. About that time, I noticed the suitcases in the living room.
“Kiera, what is this?” I asked, pointing my coffee mug at the luggage.
“Oh, that? I’m moving out.”
“You’re what? Why?”
“Because. I can’t live with you forever.”
“Sure you can.”
“That’s sweet, but I can’t. You need your space, and I need to find a place for Skylar and me.”
“You’re not going back to Rob are you?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
She looked at me and rolled her eyes. “No! I’m moving in with Mom and Dad. I talked to them last night, explained everything. I’m going to live there until I can get back on my feet.”
I took a deep breath. She was right, but I still liked having her here. “Okay,” I said, “If that’s what you want.”
She nodded.
“At least let me help you move.”
“It’s okay. Mom and Dad are driving down today to pick me up. Then, after I’m unpacked, I’m buying a car.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. You know, I had an awesome car before you got ahold of it. Why’d you have to wreck the Honda, Kieran?” she teased playfully. She didn’t normally tease me about my accident, but I knew what she meant. That Accord was an awesome machine.
“Kiera, you don’t want the Honda. It was from, like, 1986.”
“Yeah, and it was a tank.”
“Yes, it was.” I chuckled.
I looked at all the stuff crammed in my living room. “You’re going to need more than one car. I’ll haul some of this up there for you.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“No, really. I haven’t been home in awhile. I’d like to go. I’ll stay the weekend with you, help you and the kid get settled in.”
“Kieran.”
“It would make me feel better.”
“You’re so stubborn sometimes.”
I shrugged.
Suddenly we heard a cabinet slam shut in the next apartment.
“Sounds like your girlfriend’s awake,” Kiera said, wiping Skylar’s mouth with his bib.
“Shut up,” I said, but I was smiling. It had been a long time since I’d liked the sound of that word.
Chapter 19
Marissa
After work on Wednesday, I walked up the stairs and was pleasantly surprised to see Kieran leaning against the railing in front of his door, drinking a mug of coffee.
“Waiting for me?” I asked, when he looked over at me.
“No, I…” he trailed off. “Maybe.” He smiled.
I smiled back and went to lean against the rail beside him.
“I was hoping you’d let me cook you dinner. One of those mean grilled cheeses we talked about? I could also open a can of tomato soup. I’m talented like that.”
I bit my lip, trying to tame the outrageous grin that was threatening to break loose across my face. I’d been thinking about him all day. I’d actually been thinking about him constantly since Friday night. It had been five days since I’d heard from him, and I was beginning to get worried. Well, okay, I was way past worried. Seeing him put all of that at ease, though.
“Where’ve you been?” I asked as I followed him into his apartment, trying not to sound desperate.
“I was helping Kiera move out all weekend, and Monday I took a personal day to help her get settled in at my parents’ house. Yesterday I was catching up with school stuff.”
“Oh.”
“I was thinking about you. I wanted to call or text or something, but I don’t have your number yet.”
“We need to fix that,” I said.
“Agreed.” He tossed me his phone and I typed my number into it.
“There.” I set it on the coffee table and walked into the kitchen with him.
We stood there, a foot from each other. “So, grilled cheese, huh?” I asked, my voice way too breathy.
“Uh-huh,” he said, looking straight at me, his eyes serious and full of longing.
Suddenly he pulled me against him, crushing his lips against mine. I responded by placing a hand on either side of his face and kissing him back urgently. He picked me up and carried me over to his couch, not even breaking the kiss when he laid me down and lowered himself on top of me.
Kieran was the first to come up for air. “I’ve got to tell you,” he whispered.
“Tell me what?” I asked, out of breath from the kiss.
“I’m not…I don’t do relationships well.”
“Okay…” What was he trying to tell me? That he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me? At that moment, I honestly didn’t care. I just wanted to get back to that kiss.
He must have been thinking the same thing, because he leaned back down and kissed me, wrapping me in a tight embrace.
After a minute he pulled away abruptly. Again.
“I can’t—I can’t.” His expression was pained as he looked away from me and sat up.
I bit my lip and inhaled deeply. I slid out from under him and scooted to the end of the couch, pulling my knees up to my waist and wrapping my arms around my legs. Kieran walked away into the kitchen, turned away from me.
“Why?” I asked after a moment.
“It’s not you. You’re perfect. You’re…everything. It’s me. You don’t want to be with me.”
I stood up and walked over to him. I laid my hands on his shoulders and I heard him inhale sharply. I turned him around to face me. “I’m pretty sure I do,” I said. I smiled at him, and for a second I thought I saw his face light up just a little, but then he stepped away, his eyes clouding over again.
“No,” he said. “Not when you don’t really know me.”
“I want to know you.”
“I don’t want you to,” he said harshly.
I took a step backwards, hurt by his words.
“No, that’s not—I didn’t mean that like it sounded.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, pulling strands loose from his ponytail as he did. “I’m sorry.”
I nodded, swallowing.
“Like I said, I don’t do relationships.”
“Who said I needed one?” I asked.
Kieran smiled sadly and shook his head. “If you were any other girl, that’s all you’d need to say, but not you.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
He laughed sharply. “Nothing is wrong with you. I’m trying to tell you even if you don’t want a relationship with me, I want one with you. I’ve wanted you all summer. And that’s why we have to stop this, right now.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“I’m trying to protect you.”
“Protect me?”
“From me.”
“Kieran—”
“You should go. Please?” Kieran walked over to the sink and gripped the counter, bracing himself.
And then it clicked. The pieces of the puzzle that had been floating around in my head finally snapped togeth
er. Shannon’s words at the bar, the distance Kieran kept putting between us, and finally, the faded tattoo on his chest. Why had it taken this long?
“Who’s Becca?”
I could see his back stiffen. He stood completely still for a few long seconds, and then hung his head. I stood there, waiting. After a minute, he turned around.
“I met her junior year. She was new, and my high school was big, so I didn’t notice her right away. The first time I saw her was at a pep rally. She was on the dance team. After that, I was obsessed. I thought she was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. By the end of the semester I’d finally gotten up enough courage to talk to her, and a few weeks after that we were together. The first six months were perfect. I mean it. Perfect. After that, things started to change. She wanted to spend less time together, hang out with other people. She found this new group of friends. I was so jealous of them. She’d blow me off to be with them, flirt with the other guys right in front of me. She was pushing me away, and I panicked. She saw how she was affecting me, and she figured out pretty fast that I wasn’t going to leave her and she took advantage of it. She controlled me. She knew I’d do anything for her. This went on for two and a half years. I knew I should get out, but I didn’t want to. Life without her seemed so…terrifying. I was obsessed with her, with our love. It defined me. So I held on.”
He paused and took a deep breath. He wasn’t looking at me. I think maybe he forgot I was in the room. He looked so lost.
“Then one day, she broke it off. It was out of nowhere, or at least I thought it was then. She found someone else and she cut me out, completely. That first month I really thought I was going to go insane. I was so lost. I’d been living for her, and after she was gone, I didn’t know who I was without her. I started drinking a lot. Then had my accident. For years, I blamed her. I told myself that she was psychotic, that she was selfish, that she was heartless. It was stupid, but it made me feel better. And then, about a year later, I saw her wedding announcement in the Sunday paper, and she looked so happy, so in love. I wanted to be happy for her, but it hurt so bad. All I could think about was how she’d never looked that happy with me. After that, I couldn’t deny it anymore. It was me. I was what was wrong with us. I—we—had something amazing, and I ruined it. I wasn’t good enough for her, and I’m not good enough for you.”
