by Sandi Ward
Charlie tosses his head to get the hair out of his eyes. “I think I’m going to wear my white T-shirt, ripped black jeans, and high-top sneakers,” he announces with confidence. “Or maybe my purple T-shirt. But I need another accessory. I mean, they do call it a ball. So I need something a little fancy.” He walks over to her bureau and opens a drawer. “Can I borrow a headband?”
Victoria shrugs. “Sure. I haven’t worn any of those since fifth grade.”
He pulls out a thin silver headband and places it on his head. “What do you think?”
“I can barely see it against your hair. Try the purple one. It would match your purple shirt.”
He pulls out a dark headband. It is thicker than the last one, smooth and shiny, and has a small flower on one side.
“What do you think?”
“Oooh,” she gushes. “That’s nice with your hair color. Honestly. That’s the right one.”
Charlie tentatively glances back at Aidan. And waits for a response.
“No comment, dude. Your sister’s got me on a short leash. But . . .” Aidan puts the stuffed dog aside and sticks his hands behind his head. “Okay, honestly? You look like a girl. But what else is new? Ronaldo will probably love it.”
Charlie makes a face at Aidan, then turns back to Victoria. “Let me wear it a little and see if it grows on me. I guess when I wake up on the day of the ball I’ll see if it feels like a boy day or a girl day.”
Aidan cocks his head. He asks, “Is that all you do? Just wake up, and you feel one way or the other?”
Hmm. I’m curious about this too. Is that how Charlie feels sometimes? I didn’t know he felt that way. I mean, not exactly.
“Well, yeah,” Charlie answers, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
Aidan’s mouth hangs open as he pauses to consider his next comment. “You know . . . they do have surgery for stuff like that. If you want.”
Charlie scowls. “I never said I wanted to be a girl all the time, did I? I like being a boy sometimes.” He puts his hands on his hips. “I like my boy parts.”
Victoria snorts and keeps rearranging clothes in her closet.
“Yeah, but . . .” Aidan sits up a little, leaning on one elbow, “Don’t you want to make a choice, one or the other? I mean, how is that going to work long-term?” Aidan doesn’t break eye contact. He seems to be challenging Charlie, but not in a threatening way. He just wants to know.
Charlie blinks, his clear green eyes never wavering from Aidan’s gaze. “It works fine. You don’t really need to worry about it.”
Aidan nods and lays back down, seeming finally satisfied. “Okay. Yeah, you’re right.”
Charlie touches his sister’s arm. “Thanks.” When she nods, he turns and leaves the room.
Aidan sighs. “Vic. Stop worrying about dresses. We’re not going to the school dance. It’s going to suck.”
“I’m going,” Victoria states. “You can make up your mind to come or not, but I’ll be there.” She scours her closet, pushing aside one outfit and then another. The noise of the hanger scraping along the bar hurts my ears. I escape to the hallway.
I see Kevin is just coming up the stairs, dragging his feet as if they’re too heavy to lift. At the top of the stairs he turns right and heads toward me, and I have to jump out of the way. Granted, I’m sitting right in the middle of the hall, but it’s unlike him not to step politely over me.
How rude! What is his problem?
I follow him into his bedroom, where Charlie is looking in Kevin’s closet. “Oh, sorry,” Charlie gushes. “I was just . . . Vicky and I were just talking about the Winter Ball, and I can’t find one of my T-shirts. You know, the purple one? I thought maybe Mom stuck it in the wrong closet.”
“What?”
It’s funny, because Kevin is squinting at Charlie the way Dad would. As if he’s trying to decide who Charlie is, and what he’s doing here.
“My purple—”
“What the hell is in your hair?”
“Oh!” Charlie’s hand flutters up to feel what is on his head, as if he’s already forgotten. “It’s Vicky’s headband. We were just trying it out because I might wear it to the dance.”
Kevin takes a step toward Charlie, towering over him. “To the school dance? Where my friends can see you? You’re going to wear that crap in your hair?”
Charlie flinches. “I don’t know,” he says tentatively, moving backward toward the closet. “Maybe not.”
“Goddamn it, Charlie. It’s one thing to humiliate me here in the house, but you have to drag your weirdness into school too? You don’t think that affects me at all? You don’t think that changes how people look at me? Jesus Christ.”
And in one swift move, Kevin moves forward, overtakes Charlie, and twists his arm behind his back.
Kevin is bigger, taller, stronger.
He is the baby-faced, good older brother.
So what in the world—?
To my surprise, Charlie does not make a sound. He does not cry out. He does not even whimper. He just shuts his eyes as tight as he can and grits his teeth. And then he curses out Kevin with some very, very, very bad words muttered under his breath.
Ah! My Charlie is tougher than I thought he was.
I yeow! in protest.
“Knock it off. You’re driving me CRAZY,” Kevin growls. He hovers over Charlie, talking into his ear from behind, speaking softly but with a menace that I rarely hear from him. He keeps Charlie in a tight grip, sliding one arm around Charlie’s neck, the other holding his arm behind his back. My eyes open wide. I can see Charlie can barely breathe, his face flushing, and I freeze in fear. “And you’re driving Dad crazy. It’s your fault Dad is messed up. I have had it. SHUT IT DOWN. Right now. I don’t want to see it again.”
Where in the world is this coming from? I feel my heart beating hard.
I’m furious. I hiss!
Kevin startles, as if coming out of a trance. And then, in one move, he releases Charlie with a hard shove while ripping the headband off his head. He whips it out into the hallway.
Charlie stumbles forward and bangs his head against the doorframe. His hand flies to his forehead and his eyes fill with tears. Oh my goodness—Charlie will have a bruise that he will not be able to hide. But I suppose he’ll come up with some excuse for it.
Charlie spins around. “Have you been drinking? Here?”
“So what if I am?”
“Why would you do that? Don’t you see what it’s doing to Dad? Don’t you think Mom has enough to deal with right now?”
“Just get out.” Kevin takes a step forward to give Charlie a final push with both hands. “Leave me alone.”
I back away as Charlie staggers out into the bright light of the hall. He goes straight into his bedroom.
I hear him climb onto his bed and lie down. He doesn’t bother to put a light on.
The house is silent for a moment.
And then my ears twitch as I hear the low sound of Aidan mumbling something, and Victoria’s sharp laugh in response. I watch as Kevin appears in his doorway and listens. I am worried. He still looks angry. The hall light casts an eerie yellow glow over his face.
Something is seriously wrong.
We need help.
I give a sharp rowr! I want to cry out: Help! Mom! Dad! Someone! But Mom is not here, Dad has moved out, and there is no one to help.
Kevin ignores me and storms past, nearly stomping on my paw. When he bursts into Victoria’s room, slamming her door open, I hear her cry out in surprise: “Hey!”
“YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UPSTAIRS.”
“Dude.” I pad over just in time to see Aidan getting up off the bed, moving deliberately and never taking his eyes off of Kevin. “Your mom’s not here. Nobody cares. Why do you care?” He steps up and gets right in Kevin’s face, so the two young men are chest to chest. “Why are you so concerned all of a sudden?”
For once, Kevin doesn’t back down. “It’s bad enough that g
uy Mark is always here. I’m sick of seeing your ugly face over here all the time. Okay?”
“Kevin,” Victoria scolds him. “STOP.” She shoves her brother in the shoulder. “Get out of here. You’re not the boss around here.”
“Maybe I am,” he says, turning toward her. “Without Dad here, it seems like everyone just does whatever the hell they want. And Mom’s not paying any attention.”
Aidan folds his arms over his chest. “Hey. Kev. Back off my girl. You seriously want to fight me? Me?” He opens his eyes wider in mock surprise. “Because I’m not leaving unless your sister wants me to.”
Kevin takes a quick step back and blinks. But he doesn’t take his eyes off Aidan. “You’re a jerk, you know that? What do you mean, your girl? I doubt you’ll be saying that six weeks from now, when she realizes what a jackass you are.”
ME-OWWW! I cry out as loud as I can.
And, just then, I hear the scratch of nails on wood and then the thumping of paws. Gretel comes bounding up the stairs at a gallop.
She heard me!
My hero!
Trotting in, Gretel gives a sharp bark that causes all of the humans to startle. She breaks into a long series of howls: Roo roo roo roo roo roo roo roo roo!
It’s the sweetest sound I’ve heard all day. I know this will break everyone up.
“Gretel, knock it off,” Kevin moans, but she won’t stop.
Roo roo roo roo roo!
After a moment, Kevin shrugs and turns to Aidan. “Forget it. Just forget it. You’re not worth it.”
When he leaves the room, Gretel follows close behind, panting at Kevin’s heels.
Victoria runs to Aidan and throws her arms around him as if to protect him from Kevin’s words. “Ignore him.” She kisses his cheek. “He’s an idiot. Please. Don’t go.”
Aidan squeezes her back. “Nah. He’s a pussy. He doesn’t scare me. He’s cranky though, isn’t he?”
She giggles.
I pad back into the hallway. Gretel sits outside Kevin’s bedroom door. He has shut her out, the door closed. When Gretel looks back at me, her brown eyes are deep and desolate as always. How can she comfort and protect humans who act unpredictably, and reject her help?
I walk up and touch my nose to her paw. Just to let her know I sympathize. I lick her paw until it is clean.
She allows it, and doesn’t move away. This never happens. So I feel good about it.
What is going on? I try to ask her.
When she blinks, I can see she doesn’t understand it either. And it is upsetting her.
When Gretel settles down to lie outside Kevin’s door, I decide to go to curl up near Charlie’s chest, to keep him warm. I jump up to his bed. He is still lying on his stomach, face turned toward the wall, one hand over his injured forehead. When I touch my wet nose to his hand, he throws his arm over me. I lick the salty tears that run silently down his cheek.
Now I know who the bully is. I am the only one in this family who knows. But I don’t know how to tell someone. And I am not sure they would believe me if I could.
The truth is more terrible than I ever could have imagined.
It sounds like Charlie hasn’t told Mom because he knows how fragile she is right now. He thinks he is protecting Mom. My poor Charlie. He is an innocent boy growing up fast, and he is starting to make the kinds of choices he shouldn’t have to make.
I’ve been so worried about Charlie. And now the whole family is unraveling like a ball of yarn.
There must be a way Gretel and I could work together to repair this family. There is something worth saving in this family—a love that connects all of us and binds us together. I include Dad in this even though he has moved out, and Mark even though he is new. Like raindrops plunking onto the river, causing overlapping circles of waves, each member of our family impacts the next.
If only Gretel and I could talk! I won’t give up yet.
Chapter 28
The Best, the Sweetest, and the Greatest
Charlie walks back and forth from his closet to his bed, over and over. I know he’s had his outfit planned for some time in preparation for the school Winter Ball. Yet he has not put his clothes on. Wearing nothing but an old towel, he paces back and forth, staring at the outfit he has spread out on his bedspread. I watch him, confused. It’s just a simple purple T-shirt, his jeans, underwear, socks, and sneakers.
What’s the matter?
He picks up the shirt to look it over, but then puts it back down.
“Charlie!” I hear Victoria yell from across the hall. “Are you ready, or what? Aidan texted to say he’ll be here in ten minutes.”
Charlie takes in a deep breath and exhales in a dramatic sigh. He still stands there, as if he has all the time in the world. I catch his eye.
Get moving! Why are you standing around? For goodness sake.
“Okay, okay. Almost there,” he calls out. Charlie springs into action all at once and pulls on his clothes. “I just have to dry my hair.”
I go to check on Victoria while Charlie busies himself in the bathroom. Her dress is simple and black. Mom is helping her buckle up her fancy shoes. Victoria balances with one hand on the top of Mom’s head while Mom squats down near her daughter’s feet.
“Are you sure these shoes are comfortable?” Mom frowns, looking like she doesn’t believe it.
“They’re fine.” Victoria tosses her hair and adjusts the dress around her hips. “I’ll kick them off if they bother me.”
“Aidan is driving?” Mom stands and folds her arms, staring at Victoria. “And you’re taking Charlie there and bringing him right home afterward?”
“Yeah. And Ronaldo too. You know. The new kid at school. We’re giving him a ride.” Victoria checks herself again in her mirror before her eyes move to her mom’s face. “It’ll be fine, Mom. Not a late night.”
“Okay.” Mom glances down at the rug. “I’m sorry we didn’t have time to go shopping for a new dress. You look nice.”
“Yeah, this works. Good thing Paige and I are the same size. She’s got a ton of dresses.” Victoria flashes a grin at Mom to show her it’s okay.
Charlie enters the room and stands in the doorway. Victoria squints at him.
“Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Yeah.” Charlie glances down at his outfit. “This is it. Why? What’s wrong?”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Um . . . no.”
I walk up and rub my face against Charlie’s ankle, to show him I think he looks just fine. Mom knits her brows together.
“Is he not dressed up enough?” Mom gestures toward his jeans. “He doesn’t need a button-up shirt or nicer pants, does he? Kevin used to dress up a little for school dances, but don’t some kids go casual?”
“Yeah, some do. I just thought . . .” Victoria hesitates and glances up at Charlie’s hair. “I just thought he was planning something else. That’s all. But it’s fine.”
When Mom turns to head down the stairs, Victoria taps Charlie’s elbow and then points to his head. They wait a beat in the hallway.
“Where’s the headband?” she whispers, her mouth near his ear.
“I don’t need it.” Charlie doesn’t meet her gaze, and pulls away. “It’s not important, Vic. I’m not in the mood. Let’s just go.”
Victoria makes a face. But Charlie doesn’t see it. He walks away and heads down the stairs.
Shaking her head, Victoria strides into Charlie’s room, tottering in her high-heeled shoes. She flips on the light switch. After a minute she comes out gripping the silky purple headband in her fist, and shoves it into her small black purse.
I catch her eye. Smart girl!
She smiles.
Just as she’s zipping her bag up, Kevin steps out of his bedroom.
“Hey, Kev. Why aren’t you coming? You never miss the dance.”
He shrugs. “I’ve been going every year since seventh grade. Been there, done that.”
Victoria
nods, assessing him. “Okay. But if you change your mind, just come over to the school. We’ll give you a ride home.”
“Who will? Aidan?” Kevin snorts. “No thanks. I’d rather walk.” He pauses. “I’m going out with Phil anyway to get something to eat.”
Victoria shrugs and carefully starts down the stairs, one foot at a time, a hand latched onto the railing. “Suit yourself,” she calls over her shoulder. “I guess it’ll just be you and Mom. I don’t think Mark is coming over.”
I watch Kevin’s face fall as Victoria mentions Mark’s name. His hands clench and his expression hardens. When Victoria reaches the bottom of the stairs, he pulls his phone out of his back pocket and punches the buttons.
“Dad,” he says, his voice suddenly boyish. “Hey. What . . . what are you doing tonight?”
He turns around in a circle, head bowed, as he listens.
“No, I don’t have any. We have the Winter Ball tonight, so the teachers didn’t give us any homework.” He kicks his toe into the wooden floorboards. I watch dust particles disperse into the air. “Yeah, it’s always on a Wednesday night. Every year. Don’t you remember . . . ? No, I’m not going. I’ve been four years in a row. I’m sick of it. So, you want to do something?”
Kevin spins around.
“Your stomach? Well, why don’t you go to the doctor?” Kevin tips his head, and I can see the little boy he once was in his soft expression. “You should get medicine, Dad. Can’t you get something for that?” He closes his eyes and leans one shoulder against the wall. “You don’t need fewer pills, Dad, you need more pills if your stomach hurts.” When he opens his eyes again, they are watering up. “Okay. I’m sorry. Yeah, get some rest. I just wish . . . I just wish you were better already.” His head drops. “Don’t say that, Dad. You’ll get better.” He shakes his head. “Bye.”
Kevin’s shoulders slump. He sits down on the dirty, hard floor. I sit a few feet away from him and search his face. When he looks over at me, I blink, but I can see he isn’t thinking about me. His mind is elsewhere.
I’m angry with Kevin, but I still feel bad when I see how miserable he is. We’ve lived together a long time.
Kevin is not a clever fox, like Aidan. I don’t think he is capable of planned cruelty. He’s always been a good boy. But there’s certainly something wrong with him, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if Kevin has thought much about the pain he is inflicting on Charlie. I suspect he’s trying to control his world, to manipulate what he can, to keep some things the same as everything else changes around him.
