Liz smiled as he helped her on with her jacket. No, it hadn’t been painful at all. Now she needed to figure out if that was a problem.
Outside the air was cool but not unbearable. She stopped when they reached his Jeep, the parking-lot illuminated in silver light. “Full moon.” She looked up and felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth, remembering the way her dad and Ryan would drag out the big telescope on nights like these. “Look at all those stars. Did you ever wonder . . .” She shoved her hands in the pockets of her jacket and cut off her words.
“Wonder what?” He leaned against the vehicle and watched her in that quiet way of his that unnerved her slightly. Whether it was the wine or the pizza or pure recklessness, she joined him, pressed her back against the window of the Jeep, so close their shoulders touched.
“How they all got there. The stars. The moon. All the planets.”
“Hmm.” He shifted slightly and turned toward her. “Always figured God put them there.”
“Ah.” Liz leaned back and watched the twinkling lights in the sky. “My sister would say the same. She’s one of the faithful. So is our brother Ryan. He’s a pastor, over in Africa at the moment.”
“And you?”
“If you’re asking whether I believe in God,”—she turned toward him, her face suddenly warm—“I’d say probably. Part of me does believe in a Creator who made the heavens and the earth. It’s comforting to think we’re not all here by some random explosion. The other part of me thinks that if there is some higher being responsible for all this, he took the day off a long time ago and never came back.”
“That’s fair.” He shrugged, a sad sort of smile toying with his lips. “Can’t say I haven’t thought the same over the last year. It’s hard sometimes, holding on to faith.”
“But you do. Don’t you? Why?”
His smile broadened. “I guess I need something to believe in.”
Liz nodded. A cold wind came out of nowhere and blew her hair around her face. He raised a hand, as if to push it away from her eyes, then must have thought the better of it, and shoved it in his jacket pocket instead. “Feel like taking a walk on the beach?”
“At night? In November?”
“We have natural light, it’s not real cold.” Matthew shrugged. “I can’t think of a better time.”
twenty-six
Matt was kicking himself. Suggesting a moonlit walk on the beach with Elizabeth Carlisle was about the stupidest thing he’d ever done. But here they were, walking in silence with only the crashing waves for company.
“I saw your mom out walking the other morning.” She looked over at him. “Still here, huh?”
Matt let go a sigh. “Still here. Could be for a long time. Turns out my dad has retired. In a manner of speaking.”
“Really?”
He gave in to impulse and relayed the story. “It infuriates me. He’s so smart in so many ways, yet he’s clueless when it comes to respecting women.”
Elizabeth looked across the dark ocean. “To be honest, I had heard a few things when I was at Harvard.”
He clenched his jaw and hoped she wouldn’t elaborate. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She gave his arm a quick squeeze. “His behavior has nothing to do with you. But perhaps this is his wake up call, you know? Maybe it was what he needed.”
“Maybe. Seems to be. He’s certainly more pleasant to be around. They both are. And Mia’s been spending more time with them, so I guess that’s good.”
“You see? There’s always a silver lining.”
Yeah, he guessed there was. “How are the wedding plans going?” He’d put them back on neutral territory.
“They’re going.” She laughed. “Not sure where, but they’re definitely going.” She kicked at a piece of driftwood and sent it flying. “I will say that the extra crew David hired is doing a great job. The living room has been rewired and they’re laying new floor this week. If I hold my breath and think good thoughts, maybe find a little fairy dust, we might be ready by Christmas.”
“What about the kitchen? You’ll need that up and running for the wedding won’t you?”
“Absolutely. And I don’t know if it will be. So there’s that.” Moonlight accentuated her pained look, and he felt her stress.
“Are you sure there’s no other venue?”
“Oh, there are. Believe me, I called around. But Gray insists on having the wedding at Wyldewood. I don’t think Tori really cares, but for some reason, my dear brother has gone all sentimental and I can’t change his mind.”
“Well, let me know if you need an extra hand. I’m pretty good with a paintbrush.”
“I bet you are.” She laughed. “Do you paint? I mean, like Mia and my dad?”
Matt inhaled salty air. “Not exactly. I used to.”
“Sounds like a story.”
The interest in her voice turned his head. He stopped walking, lost in memory for a moment. He hadn’t realized he was still holding onto it. Still carrying around the pain of that season in his life. “It’s a long one. And not terribly pretty.”
“You don’t need to tell me.” She picked up her pace again, and Matt caught up with her.
“It’s fine. I mean, it’s not a secret or anything. Well, Mia doesn’t know, but . . .” He sighed again, events crowding his mind like they happened yesterday. Elizabeth stood still, held his gaze, and offered a small smile.
“Before he was hired at Harvard, my father taught at a college outside of Boston, in the town where I grew up. All through high school, I knew I wanted to be an artist. I was good. Won all kinds of awards. My dad didn’t share my enthusiasm for art. Actually, he discouraged me at every turn.”
“Why?”
“Who knows. The gist of it was that he didn’t think becoming an artist was a worthy calling. We fought all the time. We’ve never had a great relationship. My mother says it’s because we’re both too stubborn, and she’s probably right. Anyway, I hoped to go to art school when I graduated high school. The Royal Academy of Arts. In London.”
“That was a lofty goal. I’m sure there were good schools closer to home.”
“Oh, there were. Rhode Island. California. New York. But I wanted London. And my father wanted medical school.”
“Medical school?” Confusion narrowed her eyes. “For an artistic student? That seems a stretch.”
“Not really.” Matt ground the top of his shoe into the sand. “I was one of those geeky kids all the other kids make fun of. Academically gifted. I could have been a doctor or a lawyer or a mathematician if I’d wanted. But all I wanted to do was draw and paint and capture the world in the way only I could.” Okay, he was getting carried away. He shot her an apologetic smile. “But you don’t always get what you want.”
“What happened?”
“Oh, you know, life.” He started walking and she fell into step beside him. “The first big thing was my father announced that he was going to become a Harvard professor. So we were moving. They’d already found our new home, nice and close to the university.”
“In your last year of high school?”
“Yup. I think he figured getting me away from the influences at my old school and into a new routine would chase off the crazy. I refused to switch schools and lived with my buddy Pat’s family during the week. And I applied to the Academy anyway. I had my mother’s ear. And she had her parents’ money. She didn’t like the thought of London, but she wanted me happy. If I’m honest, I have to wonder if she took my side simply to annoy my father.”
“Sounds like my mother.” Elizabeth laughed. “Still, it couldn’t have been easy.”
“No, but I was determined I was getting out. I’d start my real life in London. In the midst of all the letters, application forms, and arguments, my sister started a downward spiral. Hanging with the wrong crowd, drinking, drugs. And then she got pregnant.”
“Perfect timing,” she said in a soft voice.
Matt clenched his jaw. “Hardl
y. She was a few months away from her sixteenth birthday. My parents were beyond furious. There were a lot of crazy fights. Scenes I wish I hadn’t witnessed. Rachel got the brunt of it, but I tried to stick up for her.” He steadied his breathing, trying to put the pieces of the past in the right order. “As it turns out, there’s a lot of stuff I didn’t know.”
“Such as?”
“My parents tried to get Rachel to put the baby up for adoption. They just told me that. They would have sent her away, anywhere she wanted, to get help, start over. She refused all their offers and eventually moved out of the house. I always thought they’d kicked her out. It’s what she told me, and I guess I was so angry at them for the way they’d treated her. You’d think having a baby was as good as murder the way they carried on. So. My future was not exactly on their radar that year.”
“You never went to London?”
“I never went. I graduated high school and spent most of my spare time helping Rachel with Mia. I worked whatever jobs I could get, went to a community college, and decided if I couldn’t become a full-time artist, I’d teach.”
“Where was Rachel living if your folks kicked her out?”
“With the O’Donohues.” Matt smiled. “Pat’s family. They’re pretty much saints. Once I was out on my own and making enough to get my own place, Rach and Mia lived with me for a while. It was hard. My sister was a sporadic user, and when she was high I was scared for Mia. She’d quit and go to rehab and be all repentant, but the demon always dug its claws in again.”
Elizabeth pushed hair off her face and glanced his way. “What do you think will happen now that she’s out?”
He’d been trying not to think about it. Trying to put off talking to Mia again about going to visit her mom. “She has to stay clean right now. She gets tested every week. Honestly, I don’t know. I hope she can kick it for good, but time will tell.”
“Yes, it will. You know, my brother Gray was an addict. He got help, went to rehab, and so far, he seems to be doing well. There are success stories out there.”
Matt wasn’t so sure, but had to hope. “We’ll see.” He made a slow turn, heading them back in the direction of the car. “So, I wanted to ask. Mia’s birthday is coming up. In a few weeks actually. Right before Thanksgiving. I’d like to do something for her, but I’m stumped.”
“Ah.” Elizabeth nodded, her eyes fixed on the path ahead. “Her sixteenth. You can’t go overboard; she’d hate that.”
“I know. A surprise party is probably out.”
“Who does she hang out with at school?”
He should know this. What kind of parent didn’t know who his kid’s friends were?
But he wasn’t a parent.
“Aside from the Cooper kid, I have no clue. There might be one or two girls, but truthfully, I don’t know. She never has anyone over. Her teachers say she’s kind of a loner.”
Elizabeth nodded. “Have you asked her how things are at school? Are those girls still giving her trouble?”
“I asked, and she says everything is fine. That’s her standard answer.”
“Well.” They headed up the walkway toward his Jeep. “I’m a bit preoccupied with wedding planning, but let me think about the birthday a bit. I’ll toss some ideas around.”
“Thanks.” Matt studied her face in the moonlight. It was impossible to deny the attraction he felt for this woman. Impossible to deny that he wanted to protect her. To make her feel safe again. Maybe even loved. “You’re a good person, Elizabeth Carlisle.”
Her eyes flared a moment, then she laughed and tossed her head, almost shy. It was adorably cute. “I wouldn’t go that far. You don’t know me that well yet.”
“Right. That take-no-prisoners-tough-cookie side you claim you have. I’m not seeing it.”
She veered her gaze and he wondered if he’d upset her. Or annoyed her. Then her eyes met his again and they were filled with something new. Something he hadn’t seen in them before. “Do you really believe people can change, Matthew?” Her voice caught on the wind, turning the question into a whisper. She shivered and he stepped closer.
“I do. I think if a person really wants a different life, anything’s possible. With enough faith.”
She gave a half-nod and lowered her head. “I want . . .”
His heart gave an unexpected lurch, and he placed two fingers under her trembling chin, tipping her face toward him. “What do you want, Elizabeth?”
She didn’t answer right away. Just stared, silent tears painting fine silver lines over her cheeks. “I want to feel whole again. To feel like I’m worth something. I want to sleep without the lights on. I’m so tired of being afraid all the time.”
Matt’s eyes stung, every word piercing him. It wasn’t fair, this kind of pain. What kind of person could do this? Leave such lasting scars and haunting sorrow? He sighed and slipped his arms around her, pulling her close. She resisted at first, but then she sank against him, her muffled sob getting lost in his jacket. He inhaled salty, damp air and simply held her and waited through the silence.
“I’m sorry.” She looked up at last, her sad smile slaying him. “I don’t usually fall apart like that. It’s just . . . you just . . .”
“It’s okay.” Somehow his hands found their way to her face, his thumbs brushing tears off her cheeks. “Sometimes you need a good cry, huh?”
“I suppose.” She stared back at him, silent a moment. “I want to start trusting again.”
He nodded, wanting to kiss her fears away. Wishing it were that simple. But if there was one thing he’d figured out the last few weeks, it was that Elizabeth Carlisle was anything but simple. And he needed to be gentle. And patient. “I know I said it before, but you can trust me.”
“I already do.” Her smile appeared like a glimpse of sun after a storm. He wondered if she really had any idea how beautiful she was. Or how attracted he was to her.
“Good.” Matt dropped his hands and fished for his keys. “Now let’s get you home so you can work on that full night’s sleep. Have you tried counting goats?”
“Goats?” She laughed as she rounded the vehicle and got in on the passenger side. “Don’t you mean sheep?”
“Nah. Sheep are so boring.” He started the engine and got them on the road again. “They just stand there and blink and bleat. Goats dance.”
“Dance?” Her laughter got a little louder and ran around the Jeep’s warm interior. “They do not.”
“Oh, they absolutely do. I’ll show you sometime.”
“How? Do you know any goats?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
“Well, now you have to introduce me.”
He laughed and shot her a side look. “Maybe I will.”
They were home before he wanted to be. But he parked the Jeep and walked her to her door, even though she insisted she was fine.
“Thanks for a fun evening.” She disarmed the alarm and turned in the doorway. “I’m glad I said yes.”
“That makes two of us. I feel much better than I did this afternoon.”
“Me too.” A smile came and went. She didn’t move.
He raised a brow. His heart picked up a little as she closed the gap between them, took hold of his hands and leaned up to graze the side of his cheek with her lips. She pulled back before he could think about responding. “Goodnight, Matthew.”
Matt swallowed, smiled, and gently brushed a strand of blond hair behind her ear, his hand brushing her cheek. “Goodnight, Elizabeth.” Oh, he didn’t have this kind of willpower. Everything in him wanted to pull her against him and kiss her. But it was too soon.
He blew out a breath and shot her a wink. “Go dream of goats.”
He could still hear her laughter as he crossed the courtyard and opened the back door.
twenty-seven
MIA
Letters to Dad
Hi Dad,
Uncle Matt knows. About the cutting. Yesterday he flat out asked me if I did. I have no clue why,
except I think I dropped a stupid razor blade in the bathroom the last time. He was yelling at me to get downstairs for dinner, and I guess I rushed out, because I couldn’t find it later. He must have found it. I’m so mad and scared and mostly just mad. I lied. And I feel even worse about that. He doesn’t deserve that. But if I told him the truth?? I have no clue what he’d do. I know I should trust him. I want to trust him. But I don’t know if I want to stop. He’s out right now, running. He does that a lot. Crazy man. So I cut again. Just a little bit. Hardly any blood. But it made me feel better. And I made sure to clean up.
Oh, Uncle Matt also wants me to see a shrink. Well, therapist, he said. Same thing in my mind. And I don’t have a choice, because I want to get my learner’s and he said I have to go. So that’ll be fun. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say if they ask me about it either.
My mom’s been calling my cell phone the last few days. I don’t know how she got my number. Probably from Uncle Pat. I haven’t answered. I don’t know if I want to talk to her, you know? I mean, part of me does. Really does. I miss her. She’s my mom. And when she’s not using, she’s awesome. Well, when she wasn’t sticking up for that creepo. We had some good times. But so much went on. I don’t know. I don’t want to talk to her right now. It hurts. I’m scared that I’m going to have to though. That they’re gonna make me go visit her. Maybe even go back to live with her.
But in other news, so there’s this dude. Chris. He started school here the same time as me. His family moved over because his uncle’s dying and his parents are helping out . . . anyway. He’s like, well, if you saw him you’d think he was a model for Vineyard Vines or something. Total prep whose family probably has more money than God. Except he’s not like the other rich kids I’ve met. He’s actually nice. He listens to me. For some reason he seems to like me. And I kind of like him, but I’d never tell him to his face. I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I’m not sure I want one. Guys are only out for one thing. But Chris seems like he’s for real. I want to trust him. We’re hanging out some, but not like dating or anything. It’s cool. I know the other girls hate that he’s paying me any attention, because they think I’m white trash or something. I don’t actually care what they think.
As the Light Fades (ARC) Page 23
