Translating the language of dogs, or wondering “what dogs would say if they could talk,” has long been the subject of humorous science fiction, but better communication with a dog is now a reality: Introducing the Bowlingual Dog Translator.
Simply get your dog to “speak” into the gadget, which looks like and probably was at some point a walkie-talkie, and the Bowlingual will display one of six digital dog-face icons, representing “happy,” “sad,” “on guard,” “showing off,” “frustrated,” or “needy.” It’s adjustable to the specific barks of more than 80 popular dog breeds, and is customizable according to “the size of the dog and the shape of its nose,” because nose shape definitely affects the context of your dog’s carefully chosen bark.
EARLY GPS
You probably rely way too heavily on your GPS to get you around town, and have done so, since, what, the late ’90s at the very earliest? It turns out there was a predecessor to consumer-grade in-car GPS or “global positioning systems,” and it dates back to the 1930s.
The product was called the Iter Avto. It did not talk to you in a calming female voice, but it did attach to the dashboard of a car, like a gigantic Garmin. Rather than feed satellite maps into your car, since they didn’t exist at the time, the Iter Avto came with scrolled paper maps that you loaded into the machine. It was then hooked up to your speedometer, and the speed of your car controlled the speed at which the map advanced. It’s sort of like a player piano that plays maps.
We don’t know much about the Iter Avto, as the automatically-advancing map system, which appears from photos to be Italian-made, didn’t really catch on. Perhaps because if you took a detour, the map would become almost useless. Or because a map had to be custom-made for a route. Or maybe because it didn’t talk to you.
AN EARLY ELECTRIC RAZOR
This was one of the first handheld electric shaving razors, but the technology is a bit different than what we have today. In 1917 a battery-operated razor filled with hundreds of tiny but safely rotating blades would have made it prohibitively expensive, if not impossible to create, so Frank White did the best he could with the tools available at the time.
Have you ever heard of the product Lectric Shave? Its a beauty product for men, an astringent that, when rubbed on the face, makes small facial hairs stand up so as to be cut more easily and cleanly with an electric shaver. White’s razor did the same kind of thing, except that instead of using a chemical, he rigged an ordinary face razor to a small battery. The battery sent a mild electric current to the shaver’s face, which raised up the hairs so they could be lopped off neatly.
THE THUMB-SUCKING STOPPER
Proving that there are statistics available for everything these days, statistics show that businessmen rise through the ranks in a far more expedient fashion once they’ve managed to break the habit of sucking their thumbs.
Those with a vested interest in climbing the corporate ladder, even those who aren’t in business but who are adults who still somehow suck their thumbs, may therefore wish to consider a thumb-sucking inhibitor which was patented in 1987. Given that it’s formally described in its patent as an “Apparatus for Inhibiting Digit Sucking,” the device also works on toes, if that’s something you do.
Please note, however, that the device may prove somewhat unwieldy for those whose jobs require them to man a keyboard all day. As the patent explains, “A bracelet fits around the wrist, a primary ring attaches to the bracelet, (which) is supported by two or more tabs extending outwardly from the ring to the bracelet, and cross-tabs extend between the outward tabs to prevent unwanted withdrawal of the thumb from the ring.” But it’s all still probably easier than trying to type with a thumb in your mouth.
PORTABLE LADY URINAL
It’s a problem as old as time itself—you want to pee standing up, but lacking the convenient, outer plumbing of a man, all you have between your legs is cumbersome, retreating lady business, necessitating a sit-down. The solution: GoGirl, a silicone funnel that a woman can hold against her crotch so that she can pee like a man.
The GoGirl website refers to the product as a “Female Urination Device” that “fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment.” The company recommends it for all kinds of modern women on the go (as it were), be they cross-country road-trippers, back-country skiers, or just germ-phobic mothers who don’t want their daughters to sit down on public toilets. After all, nothing is more hygienic that peeing into a silicone tube and sticking it back into your purse, pocket, or glovebox.
GoGirl is available in purple for girly-girls or khaki for more outdoorsy types.
THE WRIST GUN
Patented in 1929, the Automatic Concealed Firearm for Self-Defense was a gun that secured to the inside of the wrist with leather straps. It was concealed from view beneath the sleeve of a shirt or coat. A pull chain extended from the trigger to a ring worn on the ring finger, enabling the wearer to fire the gun with a backward snap of the wrist.
“Such a hidden firearm will be especially valuable in case of a holdup where the intended victim, when commanded to hold up his hands, or even before such a command, may shoot at the criminal without any further preparation, automatically when lifting his arms,” inventor Elek B. Juhasz wrote in his patent application.
And if the robber has an accomplice? Juhasz designed a second version with two guns strapped to the arm, activated by a single chain. One pull on the chain fired the first gun; a second pull fired number two. Just don’t ever catch the chain on anything.
HYPOALLERGENIC CATS
Scientists don’t spend all their time doing stupid stuff like curing diseases and finding sources of clean, renewable energy; they’ve also figured out a way to create a superior house cat.
After their dismissive attitude, hungry wails at 5 a.m., and inclination to tear and scratch everything you own, the worst thing about cats is that lots of people are allergic to them. Well, technically, they’re allergic to cat dander, tiny bits found all over the cat and where it lives, but you can’t have one without the other. If you want a cat and are allergic to cats, you either take expensive medication or just deal with the constant sniffles and watery eyes.
Or you spend your life savings on a bioengineered, hypoallergenic cat of the future. Delaware firm Lifestyle Pets offers consumers the chance to buy the “Allerca,” a cat whose genes have been tampered with so as not to produce the protein that triggers cat allergies in humans. Cost: between $6,000 and $29,000.
THE ELECTRIC PICNIC
First, get out there to the lake and catch yourself some fish. Second, don’t forget your Electro-fishing Pole—an electrified stainless-steel loop with an insulated fiberglass handle. The user wears a battery-backpack, which is connected to the loop and has another wire in the water, completing the circuit. When a fish swims within the electric field created by the electrodes, ZAP! The fish succumbs to a minor seizire, leading it to quickly lose consciousness and become immoble, allowing it to be easily plucked from the water. We recommend using rubber gloves, both because it’s a nearly dead fish and because of all that electricity mixing with water.
Next, clean and cook your fish in the normal, time-honored, non-electric ways. Finally, when you’re ready to serve, bring out your Electrified Tablecloth. It’s got a pair of built-in electrical strips powered by a 9-volt DC battery. Why does this exist? To repel insects and other picnic pests. An insect trying to cross the strips will get an electrical shock strong enough to discourage further travel across the table, in that the shock almost kills it, making the world safe for shocked-fish fricassee. Good news: The strips are not powerful enough to shock a person who accidentally touches them.
GOLF GADGETS
Golf-Swing Glasses. Mimicking the blinders worn by racehorses to keep them from being distracted by other horses, these glasses literally force the golfer to keep his eyes on the ball by staring through two “eye tunnels,” because that’s the only place they can look. If the golfer’s head moves too far to
one side, the ball disappears from view behind the thick, opaque ridges that surround the eyeholes.
Golfer’s Crotch Hook. This device keeps a golfer’s head down during a swing, where it should be…the hard way. The golfer wears a tight-fitting headband attached by an elastic cord to a massive, seven-inch fishhook fitted into the crotch of the golfer’s pants. If the wearer lifts his head up too high during the swing, he is instantly—and uncomfortably—notified.
Putt Teacher. It’s a putter attached to a belt on rollers (it looks sort of like a combination golf club and belt sander). If the swing is crooked, the belt will twist into a mess, telling the golfer what they probably already know, because they bought something called the Putt Teacher: that they’re putting needs work.
Talking Golf Ball. A golf ball you can find in the rough! Inside the ball is 1/50 of a gram of radium; the golfer uses a handheld Geiger counter to locate the ball and retrieve it. But because this is plutonium we’re dealing with, the manufacturer couldn’t use enough to make the ball detectable from more than five feet away.
PILLS THAT MAKE YOUR POOP GOLD
There’s a tradition among the super-rich of treating money with contempt. When a plutocrat lights his cigar with a $100 bill, he’s brazenly demonstrating that he has, in the most literal way possible, money to burn.
Gold Pills take conspicuous consumption to a new level. These pills—standard gelatin pharmaceutical capsules, coated and filled with 24-karat gold—will allow high rollers to literally flush money down the toilet. When swallowed, Gold Pills, according to the makers, “turn your innermost parts into chambers of wealth.” And as the indigestible gold leaf exits your system, it also gives you glittery poop. Fabulously expensive glittery poop, in fact—Gold Pills retail for $425 per dose.
Devised by artist Tobias Wong, Gold Pills were originally created for a 2005 gallery show called “Indulgences.” The exhibit showcased items intended to satirize “our obsession with fame, celebrity, and commodities.” Ironically, there was enough demand that Gold Pills were made available for purchase. Most are bought by art collectors, certainly. But there’s bound to be some wealthy nitwit with more money than sense who’s actually swallowed the things to show off his gold-encrusted leavings.
MICK FLEETWOOD’S DRUM SUIT
Depending on what sort of chemicals you’ve got in your system, drum solos are either the most boring part of rock concerts or the most awesome. Fleetwood Mac drummer Mick Fleetwood occasionally livens up his extremely long drum showcases with what he calls a “magical drum suit.”
Fleetwood debuted the suit (really just a vest) during the band’s 1987 “Tango in the Night” tour. Fleetwood would step out from behind his drum kit and make his way to the front of the stage. While another drummer performed in the background, he would hit various electrical pads sewn into the vest. Some played drumbeats while others emitted howls, car horns, or other sound effects. After several minutes of dancing around while slapping himself, Fleetwood would return to his kit and wrap up the solo with his conventional drums.
Fan reactions to the suit were mixed, but it helped distract from the fact that Fleetwood Mac’s longtime front man and guitarist Lindsey Buckingham wasn’t present for the tour.
DAN HARTMAN’S GUITAR SUIT
Glam rock was in vogue among musicians in the 1970s—Elton John and David Bowie and their costumes could have inspired at least a dozen sci-fi and fantasy films between the two of them. But one of the more inspired—and functional—outfits from that era of music history has got to be Dan Hartman’s guitar suit.
Hartman was the bassist for the Edgar Winter Group, the blues-rock band that had hits with the songs “Frankenstein” and “Free Ride,” which Hartman wrote and sang. He also had a hand in designing his $5,000 wearable guitar outfit. The one-piece jumpsuit featured a bass-guitar neck attached to the side with strings over the abdomen, along with cordless pickups and amplifiers sewn throughout. (Sounds were relayed via radio signal to the mixing board.) Hartman told reporters that he could feel the music, as every note reverberated through his stomach and the rest of his body as he plucked the strings.
It definitely blurred the line between “clothing” and “musical instrument” and looked like something straight out of Starlight Express. In addition to being difficult to get through doorways and into bathroom stalls, the guitar suit was probably not the safest outfit ever designed. Let’s just say it’s not the sort of thing you’d want to be playing during an outdoor concert when a thunderstorm breaks out.
THE IGROW HAIR HELMET
The $695 iGrow is a laser-powered helmet with hair-follicle-stimulating infared lights. As depicted on the models in the SkyMall catalog, it resembles an oversize bike helmet, with ear-covering headphones, that rests just above the head (to give the lasers room to do their magic), like an old-timey hair salon dryer. And those headphone-like things are actually headphones, so you can listen to music by plugging in your iPod while 51 laser/LED lights shoot beams at your receding hairline for an hour.
The validity of manufacturer Apira Science’s claims that this gizmo regrows hair is unproven, although the company claims that the iGrow was previously “sold exclusively to doctors for use in hair clinics around the globe,” meaning not the highly-regulated medical community of the United States.
SAFER RUSSIAN ROULETTE
As popularized by such movies as The Deer Hunter, Russian Roulette is a game that involves placing a single bullet in a gun’s chamber, spinning it, then putting the gun up to your temple and pulling the trigger. You win if you don’t blow your head off. We can all agree that Russian Roulette is a super-fun party game, but the only problem with it is getting the same group of good-time Charlies back together to play it again and again, because, as per the rules, somebody often dies mid-game.
Inventor Steve Zuloff came up with a way to make Russian Roulette fun for the whole family, and for people who don’t want to shoot themselves in the brain. His patent for “Game Device and Method Thereof” is a way to make Russian Roulette not deadly. A balloon is squeezed into a ring that attaches to the barrel of a toy gun. Each player takes a turn by holding the balloon part of the device up to their head, and then they pull the trigger. The gun then shoots either nothing (winner!) or a pin into the balloon (loser!).
Everybody lives! Unless, of course, the gun malfunctions and you shoot a pin into your ear or something.
INVISIBILITY CLOAK
Since time immemorial, nerds have dreamed of using futuristic, fantastical inventions in real life: X-ray glasses, jet packs, and the invisibility cloak, which, among futuristic gadgets, has always seemed the most out of reach. And yet a Canadian company called Hyperstealth, which specializes in high-tech camouflage technology, has developed a material that confers genuine invisibility upon the wearer. The product, Quantum Stealth, works by bending light rays to hide whatever’s underneath it from both the naked eye and infrared light. Just imagine all the geeky, pervy, and almost certainly illegal things you could do with a Quantum Stealth!
So can you get one before the first day of school at Hogwart’s next fall? Sadly, Hyperstealth repeatedly states on its website that all photos and product demonstrations of Quantum Stealth are mere mock-ups, and that “for reasons of security” they can’t discuss details of how the technology works or show images of it in action. So at best, the cloak is nowhere near being ready, and at worst, it’s a complete hoax. It may not matter ultimately, as Hyperstealth plans on offering Quantum Stealth only to militaries, and not to consumers. Sorry, Gryffindors.
KEG HEAD
There are a lot of novelty gifts out there that encourage the beer enthusiast to drink more beer: the classic beer helmet (plastic baseball-style cap that holds two beer cans, with a straw running down to the wearer’s mouth), and a thing we saw in a catalog, called the Beer Belly, a thick plastic bag that’s worn under a shirt and is outfitted with a straw that runs through out the collar to the mouth.
The Beer Belly (and its
sister product, the Wine Rack, an alcohol-reservoir/brassiere) is designed to bring alcohol into places where alcohol isn’t allowed. The Keg Head, patented in 1999, is the complete opposite of that. It’s a hat, but it’s also a functional mini-keg of beer. Resembling an old-fashioned wooden keg, it comes complete with a tap, allowing the user to reach up in front of their face and fill up a glass with a fresh draught. Have you ever lifted even a small keg of beer? Would you want one sitting on your head? It’s not comfortable and would be quite heavy, but one side of the otherwise round Keg Head is tapered to fit firmly.
CAT EARS FOR HUMANS
One day, Japanese manufacturers will achieve their goal of turning every human being on the planet into the cutest robot/cartoon character ever. Until then, we’ll have to make do with devices such as Neurowear’s Necomimi Brainwave Cat Ears.
The device, which is basically a headband with a pair of fuzzy, pointed ears, has a forehead arm to detect neural activity (just go with it) and an earlobe clip to complete the circuit. In addition to making the wearer look like a telemarketer at a sci-fi convention, the Cat Ears are designed to read brain waves and convey the user’s neural activity. (Because actually showing emotions with your face and stuff is hard work, and really personal.)
Clearly, the engineers at Neurowear considered the entire range of human emotions and then decided to just go with just four. So when the user is concentrating, the ears perk up. When the user is highly interested in something, the ears perk up and wiggle. When the user is relaxed, the ears droop. When the user is both highly focused and relaxed, the ears wiggle up and down.
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Page 6
