Millions of parents rely on the pacifier, that rubbery replacement for the comfort that only mom once could provide. Trouble is, babies eventually gain a pesky measure of autonomy, which too often results in the spit-out, the grab-and-fling, and other maneuvers that interrupt pacification and send parents diving under the sofa or reaching for the sanitizer. Cry No More was designed to end all that. It attached a binky semi-permanently to baby’s face via circular straps that lassoed around the ears. Never mind that it left baby looking like Hannibal Lector in mid-transport and one bad breath away from choking.
LINCOLN TUNNEL CATWALK CARS
Buried 100 feet below the Hudson River, the Lincoln Tunnel is one of the world’s busiest passageways, connecting New Jersey to Manhattan. On an average day, over 100,000 vehicles chug through its three tubes. And since 1961, officers working for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey have had an invaluable weapon at their disposal to help fight crime and traffic jams tin the tunnel: Catwalk Cars.
When they debuted, the single-wheeled cars were fueled by gasoline as they sped along narrow catwalks attached to the edges of the tunnel’s tubes. The 550-pound vehicles, which looked sort of like bumper cars and were constructed of aluminum and plastic, could move forward or backward at up to 30 mph.
Nowadays, officers monitor traffic in the Lincoln Tunnel 24 hours a day and are perpetually on alert. Given their proximity to New York City, the tubes are considered high-risk terrorist targets, but a more common threat to commuters is traffic delays. To help keep up with the ever-increasing number of motorists down there, the catwalk cars have been updated. The modern ones are lighter, faster, powered by electricity, and parked in 4’ x 8’ booths strategically stationed near the spots where incidents most often occur. Each of the tunnel’s tubes has two of them. When things go wrong, an officer jumps into one of the tiny cars and races off like Batman to the rescue.
ONE INTENSIVE COMB-OVER
There are a lot of inventions out there claiming to cure baldness or regrow hair—helmets, lasers, creams, and surgeries, for example. But this invention is merely a technique for combing hair in a particular, yet very elaborate, way so that men who have lost all the hair on the tops of their heads (but not the sides) can make do with what they’ve got and trick any observers. (Also: You can indeed patent a technique or method of doing something with the U.S. patent office).
Registered in 1975, this “method of concealing partial baldness” takes the old trick of flapping a wave of hair from one side of the head over to the other to cover a bald spot and takes it to the next level. First, a man who is bald on top must grow out his hair in the back and on the sides, as long as it will go, until it hangs down like floppy drapes. Then, the method instructs, he carefully combs over each section, one at a time, layering them. The end result: short hair on the sides, full hair on top. (Keep it in place by spraying down each section with hair spray once it’s lying flat.)
NEW FRONTIERS IN CAFFEINE DISPERSAL
Because drinking a cup or a can of something can take too long, you can now get these products, all of them infused with caffeine and other stimulants:
• Gummi Bears
• Maple syrup
• Breath mints
• Soap
• Gum
• Hot sauce
• Marshmallows
• Body wash
• Time-release caffeine capsules
• Dissolvable strips
• Beef jerky
• Popcorn
• Bloody Mary mix
• Breath spray
• Bottled water
DUMB USB GADGETS
Pet Rock: The item that became synonymous with the whimsical and gullible 1970s has returned! Only now, it’s high-tech. In the spirit of the original, it does nothing; plugging it into your computer’s USB port doesn’t even draw any power away.
Squirming Tentacle: People will think an octopus or the fictional alien monster Cthulhu has taken control of your laptop when they see a moving tentacle coming out of a USB port. Unlike the Pet Rock, at least it moves.
Power Hour Album Shot Glass: This 1GB external storage drive contains 60 one-minute drinking songs. It fits perfectly into an included shot glass, used to play a game where the user takes a shot after every song.
Hot Cookie Cup Warmer: Working hard will never again mean that your long-ignored cup of coffee will go cold. This miniature hot plate, which resembles an oversize Oreo cookie, plugs into your computer and keeps a mug warm while you’re focusing on a problem, attending a meeting, or trying to advance to the next level of World of Warcraft.
Fishquarium: Containing enough room for a couple of goldfish, the Fishquarium plugs into your computer, which powers a low-voltage pump and filtration system while the sounds of nature soothe away stress. It also has a pencil holder.
CORDLESS JUMP ROPE
Jumping rope has long been established as a superb cardiovascular exercise that helps get your whole body working hard, and it looks cool in training montages in boxing movies, but there are still some individuals whose crippling fear of rope and rope-related products prevents them from ever enjoying this leisure activity.
Or at least that’s our presumption, anyway, as it seems like a slightly better excuse for the existence of the Cordless Jump Rope than someone just buying a piece of rope. According to the patent granted to Lester J. Clancy of Mansfield, Ohio, his invention features two handles, but instead of being attached to rope, “a donut-shaped enclosure is provided and mounted to the handle,” inside of which is a weighted ball that, when rotated, will “generate rotational torque to simulate the use of a jump rope.” While the Cordless Jump Rope does admittedly remove any possible chance of the user somehow accidentally getting rope burn, the value of which cannot be underestimated, it’s hard not to consider the fact that it might prove more financially sound to bypass buying the product altogether and just, you know, jump.
WINE-BOT
Scientists at NEC System Technologies in Japan have invented a robot that can taste and identify dozens of wines, and even some foods. The green-and-white tabletop robot has a swiveling head, eyes, and a mouth that speaks in a child’s voice. To identify a wine, the unopened bottle is placed in front of the robot’s arm. An infrared beam scans the wine—through the bottle—and determines its chemical composition. The robot then names the wine, describes its taste, and recommends foods to pair it with.
Scientists are still working out the kinks: At a 2006 press conference, a reporter and a cameraman put their hands in front of the robot’s infrared beam. According to the robot, the reporter tasted like bacon, and the cameraman tasted like ham.
COLLAPSIBLE RIDING COMPANION
There are a lot of reasons for not wanting to drive alone, or rather, for not wanting it to look like you’re driving alone. Perhaps you have to drive home late, or through a sketchy neighborhood. Maybe you like to talk to yourself, or sing along to the radio, or argue with the pundits on talk radio, and you don’t want to feel weird about it when you pass by other motorists. Whatever your reason, this 1991 patent filed by Rayma Rich of Las Vegas is the answer to your bizarrely specific needs: the Collapsible Riding Companion.
The CRC is essentially a mannequin head and torso outfitted with a full head of hair, a T-shirt, and a jacket (in case you like to run the A/C really high). Simply place it in the front seat next to you while you drive, and you’ve got a quiet but agreeable road-trip buddy.
In the event that you have a real person riding in the car with you, the Collapsible Riding Companion folds down and can be stored in its very own rectangular, suitcase-like carrying case.
BUBBLE HAT
Elaborate ladies’ hats have mostly fallen out of daily use, but in the early part of the 20th century, it was the height of fashion for a woman to wear a large, fancy hat. But if everybody was wearing one, how could a lady differentiate herself and draw attention to herself and her chapeau? With bubbles, that’s how.
McMurtry thought the bubble-spewing device would be a great visual aid for choirs.
SPINNING WALL
Here’s a radical solution to the problem of cramped apartment living: making use of the “dead” vertical space of a room. It’s not a new idea (Murphy beds, room-splitting screens, e.g.), but the TurnOn Multi-Functional Spinning Wall takes it to extremes.
“Wall” is something of a misnomer. It’s actually more of a wheel—an open-ended plastic cylinder with built-in furnishings extruded from its inner surface. The entire cylinder rotates to allow access to any of three functional areas of the module. After dining in the two-seat breakfast nook, residents can use their body weight to flip the unit over like a hamster wheel, rotating the dining table away to make room for a molded-plastic lounging couch. At day’s end, another turn brings a flat sleeping platform into play.
A couple of these units, placed end-to-end, can theoretically create a usable living area within a tiny footprint. There are proposals for a food-prep module—with refrigerator, sink, and working stove—and a “Wet Cell,” with toilet, shower, and vanity set at 120-degree radial angles; no mention of how the electrical and plumbing connections would work. Or of who, besides astronauts, submarine crews, or characters in a play, could stand to live like this.
CHOW, BELLA
Bella makes dozens of low-priced kitchen appliances, including coffee pots and slow cookers. But it’s more notable for its single-purpose novelty bakeware that allows the user to make exactly one thing per device. Here are some Bella things you can’t possibly live without (and probably got as a holiday gift last year):
• Circus Waffle Maker: turns out mini waffles shaped like elephants, giraffes, and monkeys
• Mini Donut Maker
• Mini Cupcake Maker
• Cake Pop & Donut Hole Maker (which are almost the same thing)
• Brownie Maker
• Ice Cream Sandwich Maker (cookie parts only)
• Cakesicle Maker (slightly larger cake pops)
• Pretzel Maker
• S’mores Maker
• Waffle Stick Maker (half of a waffle)
• Small Pot Pie Maker
• Pastry Tart Maker
• Strawberry Shortcake Maker
CONTROL-ALT-DELETE HANDLE
Computers break down. A lot. Especially if you’ve got an old one that doesn’t work so good anymore and you have to shut programs down when that beach ball keeps spinning or that hourglass never disappears. So what do you do? You hit those three “shutdown instantly” buttons, all at the same time: control + alt + delete.
Pressing buttons? Three of them? All at the same time? That’s, like, more work than an office worker is accustomed to or prepared for, and you have to use, like, two hands. If only there were some kind of tool to simplify this incredibly easy task! There’s got to be a better way! There is: the Control+Alt+Delete Handle.
It’s a T-shaped metal bar. One part is the handle, and the rest is a long metal bar with little pieces of rubber spaced out just right, so when you press down on the keyboard with one simple motion, all three buttons get pressed at the same time.
It literally takes less effort to press all three buttons at once than it does to reach even six inches to grab your Control+Alt+Delete Handle. This invention was something of a joke, concocted by a frustrated home-computer user. It spread around the Internet and was never mass-marketed, but still—somebody actually invented it.
EXHAUST-POWERED CAR JACK
Roadside emergencies are a drag, but jacking up the car to change a tire in a dirty ditch with cars whizzing by while hand-cranking a traditional scissors jack is the worst. Wouldn’t it be great if there were something easier—something that could expand to full height without physical labor? Like a giant balloon! After all, there’s a ready source of hot gas available nearby—the car’s own exhaust!
And before you can say, “That’s a terribly unsafe idea,” the Bushranger X-Jack is on the market, and cars are wobbling unsteadily atop heavy-duty polymer bladders swollen with noxious fumes, engines still running, with hoses snugged over their tailpipes.
All right, so the whole point of an exhaust system is to allow fumes and heat to vent away from the car, and trapping them could cause overheating. And okay, leaving the car running while attempting repairs is incredibly foolhardy, increasing the risk of carbon monoxide inhalation, burns, the car falling down and crushing you, and a host of other injuries. And yes, at the end of the repair the driver must vent all the toxic smoke from this big bag of hot poison before it can be stowed away again.
But hey! It’s a balloon! Everyone loves balloons.
INDOOR PET POTTY
Newspaper circulation has been falling for years, and there’s been much hand-wringing over the prospect of a less-informed public and its implications for our democracy. But there’s an overlooked consequence to the decline of print journalism.
See, even trained, full-grown dogs will sometimes have to “go” indoors, especially if the animal or the owner have health issues that make it hard to get around outside. Short of teaching the dog to use a litter box, the morning newspaper has been the best option for keeping the process sanitary, since news-print is fairly absorbent, cheap, and easily disposable. But fewer newspapers means fewer surfaces for housebound dogs to do their dirty business.
Enter the PetZoom Pet Park, an alternative for indoor dogs that brings a little slice of lawn to the living room. Retailing at about $35, the setup consists of a platform of easy-to-clean artificial turf atop an antimicrobial mat. Urine drains away and is collected in a catchbasin below, to be emptied out later. It’s convenient and hygienic, letting your dog answer the call of nature without leaving the house.
Or you could fill a child’s wading pool with 10 bucks’ worth of dirt and grass seed.
THE I-ON-A-CO CURE-ALL BELT
In 1925 magazine publisher and health nut Gaylord Wilshire unveiled his invention, the I-ON-A-CO Electric Belt. Wilshire claimed that this seemingly revolutionary device could cure heart disease, all cancers, both types of diabetes, prostate issues, and any other illness he forgot to mention. How? Worn properly, the belt sent a mild jolt of electricity coursing through the body, which Wilshire said magnetized the iron in the blood, shocking the cells into behaving properly. “All you have to do,” one ad read, “is to place over your shoulders the I-ON-A-CO. That’s all. You may then light a cigarette and read your newspaper for 10 or 15 minutes.”
Wilshire claimed that the belt could even cure medical ailments after a single application. This, and all the other claims, attracted the attention of the American Medical Association, the Public Health League, and the Better Business Bureau, among other watchdog organizations. After a scientific study, the AMA announced that the I-ON-A-CO was about as helpful in curing illness as “the left hind foot of a rabbit caught in a churchyard in the dark of the moon.” Wilshire died just two years later. (The I-ON-A-CO belt evidently did not cure death.)
A SAFER COCKFIGHT
For most of us, cockfighting is a fringe phenomenon with a funny name, and the exclusive domain of degenerate gamblers in back alleys betting on battles between birds. The truth is, though, that it’s one of the world’s oldest spectator sports. And while it’s illegal in all 50 states, underground cockfighting is still popular enough to draw the attention of law enforcement throughout the country. All of which is to say that we admit that the existence of a patented non-lethal cockfighting system is a very good thing.
In fa
ct, this gadget—which swaps out the deadly knives known as “gaffs” that roosters wear in traditional cockfighting for an array of sensors that record the blows landed by an enemy bird—probably has more chicken-lifesaving potential than any other weird invention in this book. And given that it uses technology no more complicated than your average garage-door opener, it seems safe to assume it could be mass-produced relatively cheaply.
THE PLASTIC WISHBONE
Most weird and pointless inventions come about because of accidents, opportunism, or general greed, but one of the weirdest and most pointless inventions of them all was born of genuine strife and ennui. Ken Ahroni always looked forward to the tradition of breaking the wishbone after a Thanksgiving meal. The problem? There’s only one wishbone per turkey, and it takes a mere two people to break it, so Ahroni often had to share the honor. One year, while seething over the injustice, his mind snapped like so many sad, brittle turkey clavicles. Unwilling, nay, unable to take it anymore, Ahroni started Lucky Break, a company devoted to the manufacture of plastic wishbones.
Lucky Break’s artificial wishbones are exactly what they sound like: cheap little white pieces of plastic that look like turkey bones. You pay money for them, snap them in half, and then immediately throw them in the garbage. Now, we’ve already established that the inventor of such a product must be sort of a loon, but Ahroni is not to be trifled with: In 2008 he successfully sued Sears, Roebuck & Co. for stealing his idea. Big-timey lawyers for Sears hilariously argued that “any originality inherent in a replica of a wishbone was invested so by nature, by a supreme being, or by the turkey itself.” In the ultimate lucky break, Ken won out to the tune of $1.7 million.
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Page 11
