But he didn’t just kiss me. He plundered like he was exploring a brand-new country. His tongue and lips rubbed and teased before sucking me in deep, all while his grip on my hair tightened. I cried out in pain, but when he loosened his hold, I clutched his waist. He searched my face for a couple of seconds.
“It’s okay,” I gasped into his mouth. “I like it when it stings some.”
“Fuck,” he rumbled. “Can’t believe I almost missed out on this.”
His mouth made its way to my neck. I heard him take a deep inhale as he rubbed his lips and the tip of his nose along my skin. My eyelids fluttered, and I could feel I was on the edge of losing myself, until I heard Samantha’s voice echo in my head:
It’s just a matter of time before you piss off enough of the wrong people for those you cares about to become revenge targets.
I think you’re a bit naïve when it comes to men, especially a man like Max.
So you’re totally okay with what he does?
His body tensed under my hands. “Where did you go just now?”
“Um…it’s nothing, I mean…well, not nothing, but like, I don’t know how…” I was stumbling, so I stopped, took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly, trying to relax. “What I mean is, I think I need time to…think.”
He studied my face for a couple of beats before pressing the palms of his hands into his eye sockets, giving them a quick rub, almost as if he was trying to let some new reality sink in.
“You’re looking at me like I’m saying goodbye forever, Max,” I said in a rush. “I need time to process what’s happened.”
“No, you’re trying to decide if you still want me as your man, especially since Big Sister doesn’t approve.”
“Max, I’m twenty-five years old,” I snapped back. “I think I’m old enough to make my own decisions without having to run to my sister for her opinion.”
“You’re absolutely right.” His gaze lingered on the length of me, like he was trying to memorize the look of me for posterity. “I’ll make other arrangements for Piper after school. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she understands.” Then he started walking out of my house and I felt a surge of panic like I’ve never felt before.
“Wait! What are you doing? Where are you going?” I called out, taking hold of his arm.
He opened the door, his hand still wrapped around the handle as he gave me the saddest smile. “I’m getting out before either of us get in too deep.”
“Max, I’m just asking for some time. Why can’t you give me that?”
“Because that’s not really what you’re asking for,” he pointed out. “If it was, I’d give it to you. But what you’re looking for is for someone else, something outside yourself, to make this thing between you and me okay. And that doesn’t work for me.”
“Sam is the only family I have. She practically raised me, Max. There’s nothing wrong with taking what she said into account.”
He reached out to move wisps of hair away from my eyes, the tips of his fingers just barely touching the surface of my skin. I loved when he did little things like that.
“All these months I fought a war over you, fighting every instinct I had to claim you for myself. Hell, I must’ve fucked every redhead in three counties, trying to work you out of my system. But I couldn’t fight your pull because I knew—or at least I thought I knew—that the man who took you on would have someone who sticks, boundless devotion. But if all it takes is for your big sister to disapprove, then you’re not who I thought you were.
“I don’t know if you’ll fully understand this, but I wanted to own you. Make you mine in every way a woman could belong to a man. You would’ve gotten that from me, Jess, and you’re the only woman I’ve ever come close to offering that to.”
He waited for a couple more beats, pressing his mouth into a thin, hard line. “Take care of yourself, Jessica.” He shut the door, and I listened to his footsteps going farther away. I sank down, staring off into nothing.
He was gone, just like that. He was a hairsbreadth away from being all mine, something I had wanted for months, and I just let him walk out my door.
I didn’t call my friends or my sister. When my stomach growled, I didn’t get up to make myself something to eat. My phone rang later, but I didn’t answer.
When I had gotten the news in the hospital that both our parents didn’t survive the car accident, my grief was overwhelming, making my body grow cold. I was a shivering mess. No amount of blankets, hot tea, or even whiskey would help. The booze just made me drowsy and I’d go to sleep. Later on, as the news sank in, I was so enraged at the other driver’s senseless and cruel actions, I actually broke out in a fever, making myself sick with fury.
It had been different for Samantha. She went completely numb, residing in this weightless fog, a kind of purgatory. I never admitted this, but I had envied her reaction and how her body and brain had protected her from the horrors of death and despair. I would have given my eyeteeth, an organ, to not be able to feel, to reside in the numb. When I had gotten the news, a cold settled into my bones right alongside a scalding, white-hot conflagration.
As I sat there, with the room growing darker, I realized it was different this time. There were no extremes of anything. No cold or hot. Max walked out of my house, telling me he and Piper were as good as gone and, for the life of me, I couldn’t wrap my mind around that idea.
Somehow, this was worse, because this time, I had lost the promise of a family of my own. And the more that reality sank in, the sicker I felt. I ended up leaving the chair just to lie down flat on my wood floor, needing to be on the ground. I was desperate to realign my center of gravity because I still felt like I was free-falling into nothingness.
I knew I could stop the fall by walking down the street to Max’s house and convincing him he was the man for me. My brain was screaming at the rest of my body to move, to fight for him, especially after he had finally opened himself up to me.
Instead, I eventually peeled myself off the floor and tucked myself into bed. I didn’t go over to his home that night or the next day.
I did absolutely nothing, and I had no idea why.
Chapter Four
Two weeks later
“You know the wedding date is May twenty-sixth, right?”
I eyeballed my sister as I double-checked notes in my binder. We were at one of our favorite restaurants in town, Café Maple, sitting right at the front window so we could enjoy people-watching while also savoring our favorite Gruyère and truffle mac and cheese; multitasking at its finest.
I closed the binder, now giving Samantha my full attention. “We are having a perfectly lovely day, Samantha-Jane-sassy-pants. Why are you starting with me?”
She lightly slapped her hand down on the table, enough to make a statement but not a scene. “Because I want to see you and not that security-blanket binder of yours!”
“It is not a security blanket. This here,” I said, clutching the sides with both hands, “is how I stay centered and grounded through the whirlwind of chaos that is planning your wedding.”
My sister couldn’t care less. And to prove the point, Samantha let out a loud, Scarlett-O’Hara-would-be-proud sigh and a pouty lip.
“I just miss my sister and you’re sitting right in front of me. You’ve booked, like, a million errands for us this weekend.” She waved her hands around the sides of her head. “What’s the rush on half this stuff, I have no idea—and you’re doing them all with me, but I don’t know…you’re not with me.”
“I am with you. Really.” I forced a smile, reaching across the table to give one of her hands a reassuring squeeze. “If I’ve overscheduled, I can cut back.” I let go and opened the binder to peruse the schedule for the day. Within three seconds of reviewing everything I had planned, I bit my lip and looked up at Samantha.
“Point noted. How about we j
ust go dress shopping today and I’ll reschedule the cake tasting, two band auditions, and photographer meet for other days?”
Samantha plopped back in her chair, the frown lines disappearing from her forehead. “That would be really great.”
I gave her a tentative smile.
“Thank you.”
“Of course, Sam-Sam,” I replied while fidgeting with the stem of my empty wineglass. “I’m sorry if I haven’t been making this time for you more…” I paused, searching for the right word, “…lighthearted and joyful.”
“It was fabulous, up until these last couple of weeks. I usually find it adorable in a pesky-li’l-sister sort of way how madly in love you are with your color-coordinated Post-it Note–tagged world. But lately, you’ve taken it to another level. You just…you haven’t been yourself lately.”
What do I say? That I’ve been running myself ragged, desperately trying to fill every waking minute until I collapse from exhaustion at the end of the day? All so I don’t have to think about Max and Piper?
“I’m fine. Really,” I insisted.
She held my gaze a couple of seconds before shrugging, obviously deciding to let it go. “Okay then. So…” she dragged out, shimmying in her seat with an impish glint in her eye, “how are things with Pierce?”
“Sam—” I rolled my eyes, “—I’ve only gone out with him a couple of times. One of those was with you and Kyle. So hold off on placing an engagement announcement in the Washington Post, all right?”
“Well, well, well—” she held up her wineglass in a mock toast before taking a sip, “—look who’s grown a pair of big brass ones. I’m just curious is all.”
“Nothing to tell yet.”
“Uh-huh,” she responded. “Sleep with him yet?”
“Dear Lord, Sam! I think that qualifies as something to tell, at least it would to me,” I grabbed my water glass and tried not to gulp it. “I like him. I enjoy his company. Isn’t that good enough for now?”
She put down her glass, staring. “Of course it is, honey. I just wish…”
“What?”
“I wish you looked all happy and dreamy-eyed when you talked about Pierce the way you—” She stopped herself.
“The way I acted around Max?”
She reached across the table, grabbing my hand this time. “I don’t think you fully understand exactly what Max is into and what he’s capable of. I think if you really understood, you’d feel differently about—”
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t listen to her anymore. “Stop it right now,” I said in a sharp tone, one I had never used with her before. “I’m not some naïve little girl or some rube from the sticks.”
Samantha reared her head, obviously taken aback. “I would never think that you’re ignorant or—”
“Really?” I interrupted. “Because from where I’m sitting? That’s exactly what it looks like. It appears you keep questioning my capacity or ability to judge people and situations for myself.”
She leaned forward and whispered, “What he does can make you a target. I’m just looking out for you.”
I believed her. I really did. And more important, I understood right then that she believed in what she was saying. What I finally comprehended was, she couldn’t—or wouldn’t allow herself to—examine all of her motivations for insisting that Max was such a poor choice for me.
“Really? So if he had an Ivy League education and he was, let’s say, an attorney fighting organized crime bosses in court or an elected official who declared a new-and-improved war on drugs and I was married to either of those men, would you still be making such a fuss? Because I would be a target being tied to either of them, even more so, when you think about it, because they’re in the public eye.”
She tilted her chin down and gave me the stink eye. “It’s different and you know it,” she responded.
“Really? Because from where I’m sitting, the only real difference is that he came from the wrong side of the tracks and doesn’t have a piece of really expensive paper to demonstrate what he knows.”
Samantha let out a heavy sigh and then leaned forward again, keeping her voice down. “All right, fine. I’m sorry if it makes me sound like a snob, but it’s true: I want a different kind of man for you. Look, I get why you find Max compelling, and if I thought you could enjoy a fling with him, then I would’ve kept my mouth shut, but I know you: you’re a nester. Add a charmingly quirky and brilliant child into the mix and you’re even more of a goner. Plus, Kyle informed me he has never, ever seen Max gone over a woman the way he is over you.”
My mouth fell open. “Really?” I whispered, feeling my emotions tightening around my throat.
Samantha shook her head, throwing her hand up in the air. “See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Well, what’s wrong with that? Aren’t I entitled to a whirlwind romance?”
She gave me a sweet smile. “Of course you are,” she said in a soothing tone. “And you’re having one with Pierce, if you’ll let him in some. He’s crazy about you too, you know.”
“Oh,” I answered, casting my eyes downward. I had totally forgotten about him throughout this whole discussion, and I was supposed to have another date with him tomorrow night.
“Well, I’m breaking things off with Pierce, Sam,” I announced, straightening my shoulders. “It’s not right leading him on. And then, I’m going to ask Max to forgive me and pray we can pick up where we left off.”
Her brows came to a V in the center of her forehead. “Jess, Max isn’t going to take you back. You weren’t even together really.”
“That’s because you butted your nose into our business just as we were finally getting started. And I let you do it. He’ll accept my apology. He has to. Why would you say such an awful thing?”
“I swear I’m not trying to hurt you or keep you away from him,” she interjected, and I knew by the worried look on her face she was telling the truth. “Jess, a man like him…” It was obvious she was struggling to find the right words. “According to Kyle, Max fought the pull of you a long time because he was concerned you’d never be able to accept the kind of man he is. But somehow you must’ve convinced him to take the risk. Either that or he just couldn’t resist you anymore, and who can blame him? I don’t know. All I do know is that he said he now thinks Kyle was right; that you’re not strong enough to handle everything he is and what he’s into.”
Even though I was sitting, it was as if someone had ripped the chair right out from under me. But I deserved it, didn’t I? “The only thing that kept me from him was your disapproval,” I muttered, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes. I didn’t even bother trying to wipe them away. “And as mad at you as I am, I’m even more angry at myself for making your opinion interfere with who I knew was the right man for me. I trusted you more than I trusted myself.”
She handed me a tissue and signaled for the check. “I owe Max a debt I can never repay. He’s a salt-of-the-earth guy, and I admire the business he’s built and how he raises that amazing little girl of his.
“But that doesn’t mean he gets the crown jewel that is you, my sister. Mom and Dad aren’t here, so it’s up to me—and now Kyle—to look out for you. And I think you’ll find, if you give it a li’l bit of time, when you’re really honest with yourself, that Max wasn’t necessarily a good long-term choice for you. I know he’s beautiful and courageous, and he’s got that whole sexy biker thing going, but the truth is, what he does is not safe and you’re being unbelievably naïve if you think you’re not at risk.”
Just then the waiter came over and silently placed the check between us. Without even looking at it, I got up, opened my wallet, and tossed some money on the table.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m going to reschedule all the appointments for another day. I have dreamt of picking out your weddin
g dress with you since I was six years old. I don’t want to mar it with how I’m feeling right now.”
“Jessica, c’mon.” She sounded exasperated. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting here?”
I just stared at the sister I adored—worshipped in one way or another since birth. She didn’t seem so flawless to me right then. “Trying to deflect my point isn’t going to work,” I answered, my voice composed even though my hands were shaking with my keys in them. “I know you want me safe, but right now I can’t even look at you, knowing you look down your nose at him, just because he makes a living getting grease under his fingernails, even if he earns a really good living at it.”
“Jess, he never even finished college.”
There it was. I knew many on our mother’s side of the family were old money, blue-blood elitists, but I thought both Samantha and I had avoided that trap.
“What does that have to do with anything?”
She let out a gust of air. “I don’t know. I guess I just want better for my baby sister. Is that so wrong?”
Just then, I heard the roar of a Harley on the street. My head snapped up, only to see it wasn’t him. Not even close.
“Look at you,” Sam went on. “A motorbike goes by and you’re like a trained dog, ready to run down the street after it.” To say she looked displeased would’ve been an understatement.
A wave of exhaustion overcame me and I just wanted to get home. “Sam, I’m going to write off today to both of us being stressed. Because if I let the idea sink in that you’ve always been some prejudiced snob, then that’s going to break my heart much more than Max ever could have.”
Her mouth gaped, but I didn’t stick around for her reply. I got the heck out of there and back home. I desperately wanted to run over to Max’s house and make everything right between us but I didn’t see his truck parked in his driveway at home.
That’s when it hit me that I hadn’t seen him or Piper all week. Had he taken her out of town? Was she ill? I would have to check with the attendance office on Monday morning, and I was kicking myself, once again, for not noticing until now, too self-absorbed in my own grief to see beyond the nose on my face.
Girl Breaker Page 7
