“And we’re going to keep peppering them with shots,” she said over her shoulder. “Something’s bound to go in because one thing is for sure. If we don’t put shots on net, we’re guaranteed that nothing is going to go in.”
She turned and looked at her charges once more and the twenty sets of hopeful eyes that stared back at her. Leading these women was an awesome responsibility and one she’d never fully appreciated until now. We may not win, she thought, but we’re going to live or die through this thing together.
As she and Kathleen followed the players out of the tunnel, she wondered what Niki’s locker room advice had been. And then it occurred to her that win or lose tonight, the thing she wanted most was for Niki to be proud of her.
* * *
Niki didn’t have to work particularly hard to keep her players focused on the present. Most of them were experienced enough to know that a one-goal lead was hardly enough to allow them to rest on their laurels. Though with the way their goaltender was playing, their one goal might actually be enough to win. That was something Niki wouldn’t share with her players. If they stopped playing and let their goalie do all the work, one lucky shot would change everything.
Staying calm was the best thing she could do for her team, even when a second-period point shot from a US defender nearly snuck through to tie things up. She didn’t need to flick a glance at Eva to know that she too would be the picture of calm. As a player, especially in more recent years, Eva rarely let herself come unglued on the ice, and Niki knew that would bode well for her as a coach. Oh, how she wanted Eva to have success. In her heart she cheered for her, but not as deeply as she cheered for her own team. She didn’t want Eva’s success to come at the expense of this team. There were no torn loyalties about that. Winning was what Niki and her team were here to do, and if she didn’t wholeheartedly believe that, then she had no business coaching this team. Eva would feel the same.
Niki watched the faceoff deep in the American zone. She watched, leaning over the bench, up on her toes, as her player won the draw and passed it quickly to a teammate in front of the net who then shoveled it past the goalie.
“Yes!” Niki did a fist pump. Up two goals with only a period to go. She couldn’t ask for much more.
As the clock wound down on the second period, she snuck a look at Eva. Eva hadn’t given up, and that made Niki smile. Eva was gently slapping the shoulder pads of each player on the bench, whispering instructions, urging them to keep trying. That’s my girl, Niki thought, fighting to the end. She wouldn’t love Eva if she were any other way.
* * *
With only minutes left in the game, Eva pulled out all the stops. She stacked her lines, shortening the bench to four defensemen and six forwards. She didn’t need to urge her players to try harder; they were playing with all the desperation they could. They rained down shots on the opposing goalie and somehow found another gear when it came to moving the puck down the ice with speed and accuracy. And still it wasn’t enough. With a little over a minute to go, Eva resorted to the ultimate coaching act of desperation: she pulled the goalie in favor of another skater.
Tears caught in her throat as she watched her team battle against a losing cause. The crowd was collectively on its feet, clapping, chanting, “Let’s go Can-a-da!” It was so deafening, so raucous, Eva couldn’t hear herself think.
As the seconds ticked down it became starkly clear that her coaching debut would end in a loss while her team would walk away with silver—again. She wasn’t sad for herself but for her team. They’d battled hard, had put all the distraction of the last few days and weeks behind them, had given their all. No matter what color their medal, to Eva they were winners.
Jocelyn, a long-time forward who’d played in the last Olympics and beyond, used the blade of her stick to flip the game puck to Eva, who caught it one-handed.
“What’s this for?” Eva asked, staring at it as though it were a foreign object.
“Something for you to remember the game by. A coach should always have the game puck from her first game.” She was grinning through her tears.
Eva nodded and tucked the puck into the pocket of her sport coat. She knew who the puck belonged with, and it wasn’t her.
“Come here, women, gather around,” she said to the long faces before her. They had to huddle close to hear her words, as the Canadians and their fans continued to celebrate.
“No matter how sad, how frustrated you feel about losing this game, I want you all to remember one thing: you’re not losers. You’re winners, okay? You got here because you worked hard, because you’ve got what it takes to be here. You all fought through a lot of crap the last few days and weeks, more than anyone should have had to face. And you fought through it with dignity, with dedication and with discipline—all things that will serve you well as you go through life.”
For the briefest of moments she thought of Dani Compton, who was cooling her heels in a jail cell until a bail hearing tomorrow. Dani would never be a winner in life, because she didn’t know how to be honest, how to work for what she wanted and, mostly, because she didn’t know how to respect anyone, including herself.
The women threw their arms around each other, some in tears as they listened to Eva.
“And remember this,” Eva continued. “All of us here, because of what we’ve gone through, will always be teammates. We’ll always have each other’s backs. So I want you to hold your heads high, because you’re all winners tonight.” She looked each woman in the eye, then smiled, even though she wanted to cry. “Now go out there and shake hands with the winners and congratulate them. Tonight they were the better team, nothing more and nothing less.”
Eva left her crutches behind and, leaning against the arm of Kathleen, followed her teammates to center ice, taking the last spot as they went through the victors’ lineup. Her team shook the Canadians’ hands, congratulated them, chose sportsmanship over bitterness. Eva drew in a ragged breath as she came to Niki, and her knees, for the first time all evening, nearly quit on her altogether.
Niki immediately crushed her into a hug. “Oh, my darling, I’m so sorry,” she rasped. “You were wonderful, you did a fantastic job, Eva. Congratulations. I was so damned proud of you, sweetheart.”
A sob burst from Eva’s throat and she cried into Niki’s shoulder. What had once been spinning came to an abrupt stop. Even the noise around them stilled, and it seemed everyone, crowd and players alike, were keenly aware of this moment where her and Niki’s love and support for one another incontestably transcended the game. Sport was war, but only on the field of play. And to Eva, sport was only a small part, and the least important part, of her life now with Niki.
When she could finally speak, she whispered, “Congratulations, my love. You deserved to win. You did a tremendous job and I’m so happy for you.” She carefully wiped a tear from Niki’s cheek, then one from her own.
Niki smiled through fresh tears. “I’m sharing this medal with you, so you know. I wouldn’t have been coaching this game if it hadn’t been for you.”
“Hmm. My only regret is I would have liked my team to kick Lynn’s ass tonight.”
“And I would have liked my team to kick Alison’s ass.”
Eva laughed. “I think those two have sufficiently had their asses kicked, because they’ll never be around this game again. Now. I think we might be holding up the medal presentation.” She glanced around, saw that the teams had begun assembling on the blue lines, facing each other. “But there’s one more thing.” She pulled the puck from her pocket and slipped it into Niki’s hand. “Your game puck. You won it. You deserve it.”
Niki turned it over in her hand, rubbed it between her thumb and forefinger. “No. It’s our game puck. We’re sharing this one. Now let’s go get those medals, shall we?”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Delay of Game
The celebration went late into the night for Niki and her team—champagne in the locker room and later, after th
e lights over the ice had been dimmed, she and the players snuck out to center ice to snap more photos and smoke celebratory cigars. The players’ gear was soaked and sweaty, their hair stringy from the champagne spray, their cheeks stained with tears, but none of them could stop smiling.
Niki had brought Rory down to the locker room, but only long enough for a few autographs and photos. The salty language, the ribald humor and the abundant alcohol was no environment for a kid. Of course Rory wanted to stay longer. And of course Niki said no, eventually bribing her with the promise of a championship hat signed by the entire team.
It was two in the morning before Niki, half drunk, more exhausted than she’d ever been in her life, dragged herself back to her hotel room. She flicked on the light, only to stumble in surprise at the sight of Eva curled up on her bed, still clothed and lying on top of the bedspread. She was fast asleep.
Niki bent and softly placed a kiss on Eva’s cheek. She hadn’t expected her tonight, and they hadn’t talked since the handshake lineup following the game. She sat down on the edge of the bed, waited for Eva to stir and finally to sit up and rub the sleep from her eyes.
“Hey,” Niki whispered.
“Hi, Goldilocks. Or would you rather I call you Golden Girl?”
“How about just ‘sweetheart’?”
“That’ll work.” Eva flung her arms around Niki and kissed her on the lips. Her fingers snaked up to the gold medal draped around Niki’s neck. “You look great in gold, sweetheart.”
“You look great in gold too, you know. Your Nagano gold medal.”
“Yeah, don’t remind me. The only Olympic Games we’ve been able to beat you guys.”
Niki lay down on the bed beside Eva and rubbed her eyes, which still stung from the champagne. She could smell herself, and it wasn’t good. “Jesus, I need a shower.”
“Only if I can join you.”
Niki grinned at her lover. “You know you have an open invitation to that.”
Eva began to crawl off the bed, but Niki sat up and pulled her back. “Wait, honey. I want us to talk first.”
“Okay.” A look of panic flashed across Eva’s face, and Niki could feel the weight of those soulful brown eyes on her. “Are you going to dump my silver ass?”
Niki laughed, playfully brushing Eva’s chin with her fingers. Simply touching Eva melted her, turned her into a quivering, needy fool. “No, I most assuredly am not dumping your cute, silver ass.”
Eva relaxed beside her. “Then I’m all ears.”
The discussion could have waited another day, of course it could have, but Niki had crossed a threshold with the gold medal win. She’d coached her team to the biggest prize there was, had gone through an emotional gauntlet these last few days, had put her life aside for months to reach this moment. And now it was over. Worth it, but over. She had nothing left to prove, nothing else to give. It was time to exhale. It was time, finally, to figure out how she was going to live the next fifty years of her life.
“I need to tell you about Shannon.”
They each fluffed their pillow and sat back against the headboard. Eva reached for Niki’s hand and held it.
“You asked me once,” Niki continued, “if I loved her. And I did. Of course I did.”
“I know. That was a stupid question.”
“No. It wasn’t.” Niki swallowed against the roughness in her throat. “You see, Shannon was everything I wanted—needed—in my life when she came along. She was…” Niki pictured her wife’s calm, even brown eyes, her gentle smile that wasn’t quick but was as deep as her heart. “She was stable, reliable, loyal, predictable. God!” Niki pinched her eyes shut for a moment. “I sound like I’m describing an old farm horse.”
“You mean,” Eva said quietly, “she was everything I wasn’t.”
“At the time, yes.”
“Okay. I deserved that.”
“But that was also the problem.”
Eva’s eyebrows shot into her forehead. “Meaning?”
“She wasn’t you.” Niki shook her head in self-condemnation. She’d beaten herself up so many times over this very thing, but she’d never verbalized it to anyone. And she needed to before it damaged another relationship. “I could never quite give all of myself to her, because I’d never gotten over you. I mean, do you have any idea how that felt? What that did to me, to her?”
“Oh, man. I’m so sorry, Nik.” Eva threw her arm around Niki’s shoulders and gently pulled her against her. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. If I could take it back, I—”
“No,” Niki said sharply. “It’s not all on you. It never was. If anything, most of the blame rests on me, because I tried so hard to love Shannon, to convince myself and her that I loved her completely. And I did love her, but my heart wasn’t being fully honest.”
“Do you think she knew?”
“Yes. You don’t live with someone for years, raise a child together, and not know there’s something wrong. Something missing. But I couldn’t tell her. I just couldn’t hurt her like that. And I thought that with more time…” Niki wiped a tear from her cheek. There hadn’t been more time, and Shannon had died before Niki had ever completely fallen in love with her. And that was what continued to haunt her.
“Hey,” Eva said, squeezing her shoulder. “Like you said, you loved her. She had to know that, and that’s the most important part. You looked after her when she got sick, right? And now you’re raising her daughter. There’s nothing more loving than those two things. Sweetheart, you did more and you gave more than most people could humanly do.”
Niki sniffled against more tears and thought about that. If she hadn’t been able to give Shannon all of her heart, she prayed that what she’d given her was enough.
* * *
Slowly, like a hammer chipping at a rock face, Niki’s guilt broke Eva’s heart. Niki was the best person she knew. The most generous, the most loyal, the most loving. She kissed her temple. “Shannon was lucky to have you, and I’m sure she knew that. And Rory is super lucky to have you as a mom.”
She could feel Niki smiling against her neck. “I’m the lucky one. I’ve had all these great women in my life.”
Eva tilted Niki’s chin until their eyes met. “You’ve had great women in your life because you’re great. And now that I’ve found you again, I’m not letting you go. Ever.”
“I don’t want you to ever let me go again. But I do need to ask how you feel about being a stepmom. And about moving to Windsor to be with Rory and me.”
Eva’s heart was a feather fluttering in the breeze. She’d never felt so free and so anchored at the same time. She wanted nothing more than to make a family with Niki and Rory. To plant her feet in one spot. To make a life with the most special people in the world to her. She wanted to laugh and yet she found herself crying.
“Oh, honey,” Niki whispered, clutching her closer. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“Well, you did,” Eva sputtered, coughing. “But it’s a good kind of crying.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Yes, that’s a yes.” Eva laughed. “Are you kidding me? You’ve made me the happiest woman in the world.”
“Then kiss me and make me the happiest woman in the world.”
With gentle determination, Eva traced the outline of Niki’s lips with her tongue. They were so soft, so satiny, so delicate, so delicious. A moment later, she kissed her with a tenderness that soon hardened into fervent longing. Desire unfurled in her belly, blotting out her thoughts. She wanted Niki more than she’d ever wanted her before.
“Wait,” Niki ordered between quick breaths. “Shower first.”
“Oh, right. Shower. Except I can’t wait the ten or fifteen minutes the shower’s going to take. So prepare yourself for shower sex.”
“Ooh, shower sex. My favorite!”
Eva carefully extricated herself from the bed and playfully swatted Niki’s thigh. “Come on, you. Shower and sex await.”
“Wait, there’s one more t
hing.” Niki fingered the medal at her chest and its blue fabric lanyard and quirked a teasing smile at Eva. “Just so you know, I’m bringing this in the shower with us.”
Gingerly, because her knee still screamed at her, Eva chased Niki into the bathroom as best she could, both of them giggling all the way. With the medal pressed between them and Niki backed against the tile wall, Eva kissed her senseless.
Epilogue
April, 2010
Niki dug her toes into the warm sand with each stride, the green of the ocean momentarily blinding her as the sun rode each cresting wave. The sky was a wide, clear canvas of blue, unblemished from clouds or even, surprisingly, the vapor trails of passing jets. She, Eva and Rory gaped at the tableau before them, and it was perfect. None of them had ever taken a winter vacation to the Caribbean before. Hockey precluded winter vacations that didn’t involve a rink nearby. And while it wasn’t technically winter anymore, April in Canada was close enough.
“Mom, can we do this again next year?” Rory asked, slipping one hand into Niki’s and the other into Eva’s.
“That depends on you, sweetie.”
“What do you mean?” Rory asked.
“Well,” Niki answered patiently. “Next winter you’re moving up a level with your hockey. So there’ll be more travel, more games. It depends on whether you want to take a break from that or not.”
“What about your hockey?” Rory asked. There was only curiosity in her tone, but Niki wouldn’t blame her if she was feeling her out. Niki’s hockey career had almost always come before everything else, save for the three years before the Vancouver Olympics.
“Sweetie, I’m not coaching again anytime soon. Not next year and not the year after that either. We talked about this, remember? It’s time for me to be at home more.”
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