by Beth Rinyu
I sat in the bathroom for what seemed like forever in a complete daze. Things couldn’t get any worse than they were right now. I was pregnant with the child of a man who was adamant that he didn’t want anymore. He had been on me all the time, making sure that I was covered with birth control. How the hell could I have let this happen? This was all my fault and now I was the one that was going to pay the price.
***
Two days had passed and I was hoping that I’d manage to come up with a way to break this to Jasper, but as I knocked on his apartment door, I was no closer to a solution than I had been two days ago. My hair was thrown up in a messy bun, my eyes were swollen and red from crying non-stop, and I had never been as scared about anything as I was at that moment.
He opened the door and flashed me a smile. I noticed his laptop open and papers scattered all over his dining room table and knew that this was probably a bad time to show up unannounced, but I knew with the news I was about to deliver, no time would be good. “Well, this is a surprise. Are you okay?” he narrowed his eyes, seemingly picking up on my disheveled state.
I shook my head, feeling the tears beginning to escape. “Jasper, I’m pregnant.” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.
His face became expressionless and he let out a deep breath. “How?”
I bit my bottom lip and tried blinking away the tears. “I didn’t realize that I had missed my appointment for my last birth control shot.”
“Jesus Christ, Gia! How could you be so damn stupid? How many fucking times did I ask you if you were covered? Shouldn’t that have been reminder enough?” The fury in his voice was unrecognizable.
“I – I know and I’m sorry. I just had so much going on that –”
He walked over to his desk drawer and took out his checkbook, scribbling his name on the bottom of the check before ripping it out and handing it to me. “Get rid of it.”
My jaw dropped. How could he be so heartless? This wasn’t what I wanted either, but I at least wanted to weigh out all of my other options before even considering the route he wanted to take. “Jasper, I – I kind of want to think about this first.”
“There’s nothing to think about, Gia. I don’t want another kid. I made that clear to you from the beginning.”
“Well, I didn’t want one either but I think we’re past the planning stage. Maybe we can make this work.” My voice cracked with emotion.
“Gia! Get rid of it! I don’t want this kid! I’m going back with Kathy.”
I felt like an arrow had been shot straight through my heart. I was gasping for air, trying to find some type of compassion in his eyes, but there was none. “You told me – you told me that you loved me.” I sobbed.
“And you told me that you were on birth control, so I guess we both lied.”
My sadness was now turning to pure rage. “You bastard! I hate you! I hate you!” I shouted, tearing his check up into tiny little pieces and throwing it in his face. My fists began to beat mercilessly on his chest. “How could you do this to me?”
He roughly grabbed my wrists and pulled me into him. “You stupid girl, what do you think, that you’re gonna be able to raise a kid on your own? You can barely take care of yourself. I’m willing to pay to get rid of it, but if you choose not to, you’re on your own. Forget you ever knew me.”
I stared up into his emotionless eyes, trying desperately to keep it together. “You’re already forgotten and if I do choose to have this baby, I will make damn sure that it never knows what a heartless monster its father was. How could you even look at yourself in the mirror?” I yanked my wrists from his grip and walked away, turning around as I reached the door. “You really are as ruthless as they say…..just sucks that it took this to happen for me to realize it.”
Seventeen
Gia
One week later and I was still numb. I was in complete denial on the outside but in a constant battle with myself on the inside. I tried to go on like everything was normal, working at the bar, teaching at the studio and doubling up on rehearsals all in between my bouts of nausea. I used my busy schedule as an excuse to avoid talking to my mother and Carrie. My heart couldn’t handle that and I knew the minute I heard either of their voices, I would cave and have a complete meltdown. Even my texts from Cam weren’t helping. I would answer with just one word instead of my usual witty comebacks, and I still owed him a return call. I wasn’t ready to deal with this yet. I wasn’t ready to admit to my family and friends just how big of a loser I was for getting knocked up by a millionaire who had wanted nothing to do with me or his baby. I couldn’t sit around my apartment any longer. I had a few hours to myself before heading into the bar. I needed to do something to keep my mind occupied so I decided to take advantage of the unseasonably warm day that felt more like late September than early December. I walked for what seemed like forever until I came upon one of my favorite coffee shops, knowing that I could never step foot into that place again because of the memories it held of Jasper. We’d made it a point to go there on the weekends either early in the morning or in the afternoon, whenever he would come to my place. I couldn’t believe so much had changed in only one week. I stopped a few doors down, ordered myself a smoothie and took a seat in the outdoor seating area where I daydreamed and people watched. I loved to look at people and try to guess the story behind them. Like the guy and girl walking by, hand in hand. Was this their first date or were they a married couple? The older woman, walking with a barrage of shopping bags, was she a wealthy widow or was she just out for the day holiday shopping? But the one that got my attention fully was the young mother with a little boy who looked to be about two years old. She was all by herself sitting patiently with him on her lap while he made a mess licking on an ice cream cone. She seemed to get so much joy each time his tongue would touch the ice cream, wiping his face down each time with a napkin while his bright blue eyes stared up at her like she was his entire world. I instinctively reached down and placed my hand over my belly. If I chose to have this baby, I would be his or her entire world. I would actually have someone in my life that needed me. I smiled just imagining what they would look like. Would they have blue eyes like mine or hazel ones like Jasper? If it was a little girl, would she have my love of dancing? I felt the tears filling up my eyes as I came to the realization that I had made my decision right there while staring at that mother and child. I was going to have this baby. I was going to raise it alone and I was going to make sure that it had the best life possible. For once, I was going to get it right and I would finally have someone for me. Who needed a man? I would have my baby. I’d once heard that there’s a moment during pregnancy when a woman falls in love with their unborn child and from that moment on, there is nothing or no one else that they could ever love more. This was my moment and I was going to prove to everyone that I really did have it together and the one thing I never thought that I wanted in life may actually be the thing I wanted most. I rubbed my hand over my belly and took a sip of my smoothie. “Yup, baby, we are going to do this. Just you and me and I promise I will always be there for you,” I whispered.
***
As the days passed, I was becoming more and more accustomed to the idea of being pregnant. I had scheduled my first doctor’s visit, threw out all of my cigarettes, stocked my fridge with fruits and veggies instead of junk and even started working on my resume to try and put my degree in graphic arts to use. I needed to find a real job that allowed me to work nine to five once the baby got here. Luckily, I was still covered under my dad’s health insurance which was an added perk to having him own his own company, but I knew that had to change too. I needed to stop being so dependent on everyone else and start depending solely on myself. I still hadn’t told anyone except for Chelsea, and with that, I swore her to secrecy. I didn’t think there was anyone else that hated Jasper more than I did, but Chelsea was a close second, begging me to go after him for child support. I knew I was stupid not to, but I really meant it when I said he di
dn’t exist to me anymore, and if he didn’t exist, neither did his money.
I had bought a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting and couldn’t resist picking up the sparkly pink infant tutu that I found in a consignment shop just in case it was a she.
My mom and Carrie were coming for the weekend for opening night of the ballet and I was considering dropping the bombshell then. I was actually content with my decision and every time I thought about this little human being growing inside of me, it made me smile. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but nothing that was worth it ever was.
The bar was hopping for a Wednesday night and I was non-stop for hours. I was beyond exhausted and the dull pain in my lower right side that I had all day and passed off as gas pains was now becoming sharper, almost to the point that it was unbearable. I felt myself breaking out in a cold sweat and asked Chelsea to cover for me while I went into the bathroom. I gasped when I pulled down my pants to go to the bathroom and found my underwear covered in blood. “No, no, no,” I whispered. “I’m not going to lose you. I won’t let his happen.” My body began to tremble as the pain worsened, I could feel myself losing consciousness just as I heard Chelsea tapping on the door to see if I was okay.
I managed to open the door up to the sheer look of horror that was plastered all over her face just before I passed out from the pain.
***
The sounds of machines. The IV stuck in my arm and unanswered questions. I hated emergency rooms. Chelsea sat by my side as we waited for some kind of answer as to what was going on as the pain in my stomach continued to assault my body.
Finally, a tall man dressed in scrubs and holding a stack of files came from behind the curtain. “Hi Gia, I’m Dr. Wilkes. So it says here that you’re pregnant.” I nodded. “Okay, how far along?”
“I’m not sure. I took a home pregnancy test a week and a half ago. I have my first doctor’s appointment scheduled for next week.” I had to catch my breath to deal with the onslaught of pain that I was in.
“Well, when was your last period?” I went on to explain to him the circumstances of my pregnancy and how I didn’t have a period. “Okay, well I’m going to order an ultrasound to see exactly how far along you are and what we’re dealing with. The tech will be in shortly to take you down to ultrasound.”
“Okay.” I could feel my eyes burning with tears.
I looked over at Chelsea who looked beyond exhausted. “Chelsea, go home and get some sleep, I could be here all night by the time they figure out what’s going on.”
“No. I’m not leaving until you find out what’s going on.”
“Thanks.” My voice cracked with emotion, just as a short chubby lady who introduced herself as Rosa wheeled my bed down to the ultrasound room.
“Okay, Gia you’re going to put this inside of you just like you would a tampon,” she said, handing me a long thin device. I did as she said and she immediately looked at the screen.
“Can you see my baby on there?” I asked. She nodded and snapped a few pictures before turning off the screen. “Do you know how many weeks I am?” I asked.
“The doctor will discuss all that with you, just stay like that for a second,” she said as she left the room while I was still in dire pain and still holding a foreign object inside me. She came back almost instantly with a tall, slender, African-American lady who I was assuming was another doctor. “Hi Gia, I’m Dr. Bender and I’m the OB/GYN on call.” The ultrasound tech turned the screen back on while moving the probe that was inside of me around ever so slightly. The doctor nodded, the probe was removed and the screen turned off. Dr. Bender looked at me sympathetically before she began to speak again, “Gia, you have an ectopic pregnancy.”
“I’m sorry…a what?”
“It’s when the fetus develops inside the fallopian tube instead of the uterus.”
“Well, can you do something to just put it into my uterus?” She shook her head and I felt an emptiness come over me. “I – I have to go.” I sat up, trying to rip the tape from my IV. I didn’t care how much pain I was in, I wasn’t letting them take my baby from me.
She placed her hand on my shoulder. “Gia, we’re going to have to do emergency surgery to remove the fetus. Your tube has ruptured and you’re bleeding internally.”
“What?” I couldn’t breathe. “No! You’re not taking my baby! I won’t let you.” I shouted.
“Gia, I’m sorry but the baby isn’t viable and it’s imperative that we do the surgery right away or this could become a very dangerous situation for you.”
“I don’t care about me! I don’t! I promised my baby that I would –” The pain stopped me from talking, it was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life.
“Get her prepped right away,” the doctor shouted to one of the nurses who had just entered the room.
“Gia – Gia,” the doctor shouted, but I could feel myself fading fast.
“Tell Chelsea to call my sister….” My words were barely audible and in that moment I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me, and I didn’t even care.
***
“Gia, wake up.” An unfamiliar voice whispered. I battled to open my eyes, shivering from the cold. “Are you cold, honey?” My eyes came into focus at the curly haired nurse who was placing a warm blanket over me. “My name is Ann, I’m your recovery nurse. We’re just going to have to wake you up a little then they’ll get you set up in a room. You did good.”
I nodded, wanting to just close my eyes and go back to sleep. I could hear the machine overhead beeping away while catching bits and pieces of the nurse’s conversation. “She’s going up to post-partum as soon as they have the room ready.”
I closed my eyes nodding off again, awakening this time to what I assumed was my hospital room and the doctor standing over top of me. “Hi Gia, everything went well, you lost a lot of blood, but you’re doing really good.” She smiled.
“And my baby….is gone?” my voice was low and hoarse.
A sympathetic gaze fell upon her face. “I’m so sorry, Gia. They’ll be coming around to take your breakfast order in about an hour or so, you need to try and eat something. You’ll spend the night here and if all goes well, you’ll be released in the morning. I’ll be back later to check on you and answer any questions you may have.” I barely even nodded. I felt so empty inside. Was this my punishment for always saying that I didn’t want a baby or for actually allowing Jasper to have me consider getting rid of it for one brief second? Was this God’s way of proving to me that I wasn’t meant to be a mother? I wasn’t sure if that was even a possibility anymore now that they removed one of my tubes. I had so many questions for that doctor but none that I was ready to ask right now. I was mourning the loss of a baby that hadn’t even formed. A baby I would never hold in my arms. A baby that I never knew I wanted and a baby that was creating such a void in my heart that it actually hurt to breathe. I slowly rolled over on my side and closed my eyes, letting the tears flow onto my pillow for my little baby that never was.
Eighteen
Cam
Whose bright idea was it to get up at 5 a.m. to surf anyway, I thought to myself as I rolled over to turn off my alarm. It sounded like a good idea when my buddy and teammate, Tyler, suggested it. Of course, that had been at 3 p.m. yesterday when I was wide awake. I forced myself out of bed knowing that there weren’t many days where the waves would be cooperating and that my schedule would allow it. I loved to surf almost as much as I loved playing baseball. It came natural to me and out on those waves was where I did my best thinking. I stretched my tired body and stared out at the ocean from my bedroom window. The storm that was out to sea was creating the perfect surfing conditions today. All I needed was my board, my wetsuit and a huge cup of coffee and I’d be good to go. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand to find a text from Carrie that came through at 3:32 a.m., asking me to call her. Panic instantly set in. I hadn’t heard from Gia in three days and I had called Carrie yesterday to see what was up. She
told me that Gia had been acting odd with her too lately and the last two texts she had sent her earlier in the day were unanswered. Now to find this text sent at this hour of the morning, which was still only 6:32 a.m. in New York, was a little unsettling. Why would Carrie be sending me a text that early? Unless….
I pulled up Carrie’s name in my contacts and was almost ready to hang up and call Jason when she hadn’t picked up by the third ring.
“Hey Cam,” she finally answered.
“Carrie, what’s up? Is everything okay?”
“Ummm….” I knew right away that it wasn’t. I hated myself at the moment for the horrible thoughts that were going through my mind as I tried to prepare myself for the worst. “Gia’s friend called at 4 o’clock this morning to tell me that they had to rush her into emergency surgery. Jason and I are on our way to the hospital now.”
“Emergency surgery? For what?”
“She….ummm….” her voice cracked with emotion. I could tell she was on the verge of losing it. “I’m not really sure….her friend, Chelsea, said the doctor wouldn’t release any information to her, but she did tell me….” She paused for a minute. “Gia was pregnant and she thinks she lost the baby. She passed out at work last night, doubled over in pain and they had to rush her to the hospital. Chelsea overheard one of the doctors saying something about her bleeding internally.”
I sat down on the bed and ran my hand through my hair. Gia was pregnant and never told me? “Did you know she was pregnant?” I whispered into the phone.
“No. Chelsea said she was the only one that knew. She said….” She let out a deep sob.
“She said what, Carrie?”
“Gia told Jasper and he told her to get rid of it. He was going back to his wife and wanted nothing to do with the baby.” She began to cry even harder. “My god, Cam, my sister was all alone last night going through this.”
