“I understand, honey.” She patted my cheek. “You have to do what you have to do. You know your father always said that we had to respect your schedule and understand that you’re just not like the rest of us.”
I bristled, clenching my jaw. “What’s that supposed to mean? Not like the rest of you? I’m the thing that doesn’t fit in?”
“No, sweetie, of course not. I just mean, you have other priorities. We understand that.” She turned to leave, and as I listened to her footsteps going downstairs, I dropped back onto my bed with a long, exasperated sigh. My mother had a way of making feel like I was ten years old again, on the verge of making a decision that would disappoint her, even as she assured me that she’d keep loving me no matter what. It was a gift.
“Hey.” Maureen leaned against the door frame, taking Mom’s place. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Just trying to figure out what Mom wants, what she needs from me, and how to make it all work.” I threw my arm over my eyes. “I think she wants me to be here longer, but she won’t say it. She just talks in circles until I can’t figure out if I’m doing what she wants or letting her down. Again.”
Reenie snorted. “The woman has mad talent when it comes to guilt trips and making you wonder which idea is yours and which is hers. So what’s the situation this time?”
“I told Mom I need to fly to LA tomorrow. I have this shoot—”
“Yeah, yeah, we all know about the shoot. Presidential candidate, yada, yada. So what’s the big deal? Go, do your thing.”
I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but it still stung. “You don’t want me to stay?”
She threw up her hands. “God, Flynn. There’s no winning with you, is there? If we want you to stay, we’re being needy and smothering you. If we say you can go, we don’t need you. Figure out your shit, dude. You’re worse than a thirteen year-old girl.”
I flipped her off, lifting my arm without moving the rest of my body from the bed. “You have no idea, Reen. You don’t know what it’s like to be the one who moves away. I feel like if I don’t get out of here, I’m going to explode. But at the same time, I feel like if I leave, I’m abandoning all of you. And when I realize y’all don’t need me, it feels . . . like I’m not part of the family anymore. Like you all moved on without me, and I’m just the stranger who breezes in and out.”
Maureen came into the room and sank onto the bed next to me. “Okay, first of all. . wow. I’m starting to think Iona and I ruined you when we used to dress you up like a pretty, pretty princess when you were little. Because do you know how many times you just the word feel? Like, seven.”
I bared my teeth at her. “Bite me.”
“Yeah, well, no thanks. Anyway, just a little reminder that you, brother dear, are the one who made the decision to move away. You couldn’t wait to shake us loose. We all love you, but there’re still consequences. You’re part of us. You always will be. But when you don’t live here every day, you’re not part of our lives in the same way. That’s just how it works. And you have to understand that having you here has been huge for Mom. But she’s afraid to lean on you too much, because she knows you won’t be around for the long haul.”
Stung, I sat up. “That’s bullshit. I’ve always been here for Mom. I’m only a phone call away. She knows she can count on me.”
Maureen lifted her shoulders. “Sometimes a phone call is too far away. She—” Her ass buzzed, and she swore under her breath. “Shit, what now?” Leaning forward, she pulled the phone out of her back pocket and frowned at the screen. She swiped one finger over the bottom and leaned back on her elbow. “Hey, Meghan. What’s up?”
I could only hear the low sound of the voice on the other end of the phone. My sister’s expression changed from curiosity to puzzlement before she finally said, “Sure, that’s fine. About twenty minutes? We can do that. No problem. See you then. Bye.” She ended the call and tossed down her cell.
I raised one eyebrow. “What was that all about?”
Maureen shook her head. “I’m not really sure. Meghan—she’s Sam Reynolds’ girlfriend, you met her yesterday—asked if she could stop by to see me before she heads back to Savannah. Which is not so weird, but she asked if you were around.” She fastened me with a suspicious look. “What did you do?”
“Nothing. I didn’t even talk to her at the church beyond the basics. Who is she, anyway? I don’t remember her from high school.”
“You wouldn’t. She’s not from Burton.”
I clapped my hand to my heart and feigned an attack. “What? Sam’s dating someone who isn’t a fromer? How the hell did that happen? I didn’t think the guy could leave the boundaries of town without combusting.”
“Stop.” Reenie swatted my head. “Meghan came to Burton last summer to teach art to the elementary kids. She’s in art school in Savannah, and she was part of this volunteer program. Sam and Ali put her up while she was here, and I guess one thing led to another . . .” Her voice trailed off.
“Hmm.” I grunted as I sat up. “She’s a little young for old Sam, isn’t she?”
My sister kicked at my legs. “Watch it, bub. Remember Sam and Iona are only a year older than me.”
“I know.” I nodded, putting on an expression of regret, my mouth pressed into a faux grimace. “Do you still have all your own teeth, by the way? And is that arthritis cream I smell?” I sniffed the air.
“You’re such a brat. What time do you leave tomorrow?” She scooted to the edge of the bed. “And how fast can I get you gone?”
“Thanks, sis. Feeling the love.” I picked up my hooded sweatshirt and pulled it over my head before I stood up.
“Where’re you going?” She rose, too, and put her hands on her hips. “I told Meghan you’d be around.”
“I’m going for a walk. I just want to get out and breathe a little. I’m used to being by myself all the time, and y’all have been up my ass for almost a week. I need a break.”
“Hey, do you know that’s the second time in the last few minutes you’ve said y’all?” She grinned and poked me in the ribs. “Look at that! There’s still some country left in my citified brother.”
“Oh, for God’s sake.” I rolled my eyes. “Just because I don’t go around chewing and spitting in overalls and a ball cap doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten my roots.” I tapped her nose. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”
“Fine, go off and leave me.” She folded her arms over her chest, pouting in true-Reenie fashion.
“Hey, she’s your friend. And Mom’s here.” I tromped down the stairs, Maureen trailing after me. I paused at the bottom and yelled toward the back of the house. “Ma, I’m going for a walk. That okay?”
Her voice floated out of the laundry room. “Sure, honey. I’m running out to the grocery store. I’ll be back in a little while. You be careful.”
My sister giggled. “You know, she tells me to be careful every time I leave the house, even if I’m just going to work. I think she’s afraid if she doesn’t one of us’ll forget and do something wild.”
I smiled. “See, that’s one of those things you don’t appreciate, but I do. No one tells me to be careful unless I’m on the phone with Mom. It makes me feel good.” I waited for her to tease me for being a mama’s boy, but she only hugged herself and nodded.
“I get that. I mean, I joke about it, but especially right now . . . believe me, I’m big on appreciating everything and not taking anything for granted.” She reached up to hug my neck, quick and hard. “And Flynn, don’t ever think we don’t miss you. Or that we don’t need you. We’re strong, Ma and Iona and me, and we’ll make it. But we still love you and miss you and need you, all the time. When you’re gone, it always feels like something’s missing. I’m glad you’re here, now.”
I coughed, covering up the lump in my throat. “Yeah, thanks. But I’m still not staying here while Meghan visits.”
She shoved against me. “Jerk.”
“But you love me anyway.” I swung t
he door open and turned to go outside, but I stopped abruptly, my heart suddenly pounding and blood rushing in my ears.
Ali Reynolds stared up at me, face pinched and pale. She licked her lips and spoke.
“Hello, Flynn. Could I come in? We need to talk.”
I didn’t remember moving from the door to the living room, but we were there. I sat on the sofa, hands clenched at my sides. Meghan perched on the edge of the armchair in the corner, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. Her eyes never left Ali, who was across the room on the loveseat. I didn’t want to look at her, but at the same time, my eyes kept straying in her direction.
Nine years. I couldn’t believe it had been nearly that long since I’d laid eyes on the girl I’d promised to love forever. Part of me wanted to pretend no time at all had come between us; I wanted to hold her tight, kiss those full lips until her eyes went soft and hazy. Talk to her for hours about everything I’d seen and done while we’d been apart.
But another part of me was still wounded, and even glancing her way hurt so damned much that I wanted to hit something. I wanted to yell at her the same way I had the last day we’d fought. I wanted to shake her until her eyes rolled back, ask her how the hell she could’ve married Craig. I wanted to know why she hadn’t trusted me and why she hadn’t chosen me.
Next to me on the sofa, Maureen cleared her throat. “Meghan, I’m sorry. I don’t want to be rude to you, and I’m sure you mean well, but this . . . this isn’t cool. You’re not from here, and you don’t know the history. The last thing my brother needs right now is this kind of drama.” She looked at the other two girls. “In case you forgot, we just buried our father yesterday.”
I didn’t know Meghan at all, but I couldn’t miss the misery on her face. “I know, Maureen, and believe me, I’m so sorry. If this could’ve waited, we wouldn’t be here. But we weren’t sure how much longer Flynn would be in town, and we couldn’t put it off anymore.” She turned back to the other side of the room. “Right, Ali?”
Ali lifted her hand and tucked a strand of her light brown hair behind her ear. I knew that gesture so well. She ducked her head down, and I saw her lips were curled tightly over her teeth. She stared at a spot in the middle of room, not looking at me. She hadn’t acknowledged me at all since I’d stood back to let her in the house.
But now she lifted her face, slowly, to gaze at my sister. “Maureen, I’m really sorry, but could you please give Flynn and me a little privacy?”
Reenie began to protest. “Ali, seriously? Come on. We’re not in high school anymore. If you have something to say to my brother—”
“Maureen, please.” Meghan rose from her chair, her eyes pleading with my sister. “Let’s just give them a minute.”
“I’m okay, Reen.” I tried for a half-smile. “You can go. We won’t be long.”
Still, she hesitated a minute before sighing and turning to leave. I couldn’t see the look she shot Ali as she passed her chair, but judging by the way the younger woman cringed, it must’ve been a doozy.
I heard Meghan suggest that they sit out on the back porch, and within a few minutes, their voices had faded. I leaned back on the sofa, my arms along the back of the cushions as I leveled a steady gaze at Ali. “Okay. So we’re alone. What’s up? What’s so important that you had to lie to my sister to get in the house? What do you have to say that you couldn’t in the past nine years?”
A little bit of mad sparked in her eyes. “Oh, yeah, it was so easy to get in touch with you. You know, I can’t remember why I haven’t seen you in nine years. Wait a minute, yes, I do. Because you left. You left me.”
I tamped down the flare of hurt and guilt. “No, I left Burton. I didn’t leave you. At least, I didn’t want to. I wanted you with me, remember? I wanted what our plan always was. You’re the one who threw it away. Let’s not re-write history, sweetheart.” I spit out the last word, leaving no doubt that it wasn’t an endearment.
“I didn’t—” Ali began, and then she stopped, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. I could see the rise and fall of her chest under the long-sleeved cotton shirt she wore, and damn my soul, I still wanted her.
“I didn’t come here to fight with you, or to rehash old crap. That was a long time ago. I don’t blame you for anything.”
I cocked one eyebrow at her. “Generous of you.”
She looked as though she wanted to rise to the bait but thought better of it. “I need to tell you what happened . . . after. And before I say anything, Flynn—” Hearing her speak my name made my heart thud in a weird way. Maybe Maureen was right. I was becoming a girl. “I want you to know that I’m sorry. I did the best I could under the circumstances. And maybe I was wrong, and maybe I was stupid. And maybe you’ll hate me. But I’d like you to keep in mind that I was only eighteen, and I was trying to figure things out on my own.”
A mix of unease and misgiving trickled down my spine. “Are you talking about Craig? Is that what this is? You want to explain to me why you married one of my friends as soon as I was out of sight? Fine. I’d like to hear this.” I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back.
Ali had gone even paler. Distractedly, I noticed how thin she was now, and I recalled Mrs. Nelson telling me how hard she and Sam had been working on the farm. With no little effort, I pulled my attention back to what she was saying.
“I know how it looks. Believe me, it wasn’t an easy decision. I . . . after you left, Flynn, I lost it. I couldn’t get out of bed, and I cried all the time.” She flicked a glance up at me and swallowed hard. “I thought my life was over. Making that decision was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I know you couldn’t understand it then, but I just couldn’t abandon Sam. Not when he’d given up everything to stay on the farm and make it work.”
“Yeah, I get it. You made a choice, and I wasn’t it.” I’d thought I’d gotten over this a long time ago. The hurt gripping me now said otherwise.
“It wasn’t that. You wouldn’t even consider any other options. I had to leave with you, or we were through. You made it impossible.” She shook her head. “But that’s not why I’m here. I just . . . I was so sad. And Craig was there at a time when I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do.”
I couldn’t sit still another minute. I stood up and stalked back and forth across the living room. “If that’s why you came today, to make yourself feel better about marrying him, then you can just get the hell out. I don’t care why you did it. You couldn’t even wait a few months, talk to me, see if we could work things out. Nope, you moved right on, with one of my friends.” I stopped pacing as my anger built. Leaning over her, I braced my hands on either side of her so that I was in her face as I spoke, my voice low. “Were you sleeping with him even before I left? Were you fucking my friend? Maybe that’s what made it so easy to let me go. You knew you already had my replacement warmed up and ready to roll.”
Her brown eyes were wide and filled with tears, but her words dripped with bitterness. “How can you say that? How can you think it? You know there was never anyone for me but you. I loved you from the time I was fourteen until—” Her gaze skittered away from mine, and she clamped her mouth shut.
“Oh, really? Then you want to explain why it was so easy to jump into marriage after I left?”
Ali pushed forward until her nose was nearly touching mine. I straightened, unsettled by how damn much I wanted to kiss her when my face was that close to hers. She grabbed my arm to keep me from moving away and spoke in a furious whisper.
“Because I was pregnant with your baby, you son of a bitch.”
MY GRANDMA USED TO talk about people who went white as a ghost, and when I was little, I liked to imagine what that looked like. I never saw it actually happen until I told Flynn that he was a father.
I stayed quiet for a full moment after the words flew out of my mouth. I hadn’t meant to say it so abruptly; over the past twenty-four hours, I’d rehearsed over and over in my head how I’d say it. I planned to be calm
and matter-of-fact and contrite. But I’d forgotten how much fire this man stirred in me. He could make me so mad that I wanted to scream. And at this moment, despite how my heart was pounding in trepidation, my hands itched to grab his face and kiss him senseless.
Now, though, I just stayed perfectly still, waiting for him to process what I’d said. I watched as disbelief morphed to shock which gave way to realization and . . . yep, we were back to shock.
“You had my baby?” He spoke so quietly that I had to lean forward again to hear him clearly. “You were pregnant, and you never told me.”
This was the part I’d been dreading. I had to try to explain something that I didn’t quite understand myself: how I’d justified keeping Bridget a secret from her father.
“I didn’t know when you left. I think . . . I’m pretty sure it happened the night before graduation.”
Flynn’s eyes dropped, and I wondered if he remembered that night as vividly as I did. It’d been our last night together, but at the time, we thought we were one the cusp of the greatest adventure of our lives.
“When did you find out? That you were pregnant?” He spoke in even, quiet words.
I caught the corner of my lip between my teeth. “About a month after you left. I didn’t even think of it, and I was so . . . well, like I said before. It was really a bad time.” I pushed that memory away. “By the time it dawned on me . . . and I took a test . . . I was over eight weeks along.”
Flynn nodded, as though I’d just given him a weather report. “And once you knew, it never occurred to you to call me? Just a head’s up? You know, ‘Hey, Flynn, what’s new with you? Oh, by the way, I’m having your baby.’”
“You weren’t here.” I covered my face with my hands. “You were gone, and you’d told me that night that nothing or no one was going to hold you back. When I asked you to stay with me, you told me that if you did, you’d end up hating me. Resenting me. So strangely enough, the idea of asking you to come back was not very appealing.”
The First One Page 7
