by Beth Reekles
I guess I fall asleep, because the next thing I know, I’m hauled into a sitting position and thrown over Josh’s shoulder.
‘I’ll take her,’ Todd says. ‘You can head back home.’
‘Her parents are gonna flip when they see her like this,’ Josh says, instead of answering him.
Oh, crap, I didn’t even think about my parents . . .
I’m so busted.
I wriggle around, trying to get to my feet. ‘I’m fine. I can walk.’
Josh lets me down, but I only stagger back against him. Todd takes my purse from me and fishes around inside for my keys, unlocking the door. ‘I’ll take her in.’
‘She’s my girlfriend,’ Josh snaps, snatching me by the arm.
‘And my friend.’ I look around to see them glaring at each other in some kind of display of macho anger.
I shove away from Josh, snatch my purse back from Todd and slur, ‘Thanks,’ before walking inside. They both stand on the porch, and I clutch the banister, dragging myself upstairs very slowly and very clumsily.
‘Guess I’ll see you tomorrow,’ I hear Josh mutter, and when there are footsteps leading away and a car door slamming, I assume he’s gone. The front door closes, and footsteps follow me.
Todd takes my free arm, draping it around his shoulders. ‘You left your keys in the door.’ He shows me them dangling off his finger.
‘Oh, thanks. You know, you can go—’ I yawn loudly ‘—home.’
‘I’ll help you into bed first.’
‘Why are you whispering?’
‘So we don’t wake your parents up.’
‘Oh.’ I realize I’m not whispering, and try again, more quietly. ‘Oh.’
He chuckles, biting his lip. ‘It’s kind of funny, seeing you drunk.’
‘It’s not,’ I mutter, the words slurring. ‘I’m so stupid.’
He muffles a snort of laughter when I draw the word ‘stupid’ out, and I attempt to glare at him, but my eyes don’t focus very well on his face.
We sneak into my bedroom, and I fall face-first onto the bed, groaning when my stomach lurches. Todd takes off my shoes, and moves my legs onto the bed. He yanks the blanket away from the foot of my bed, throwing it over me.
‘Thanks, Todd.’
‘Anytime.’
‘I’m sorry you had to leave the party early.’
‘I wasn’t having that much fun anyway. You know, Naomi is really hard to dissuade. She spent like, almost an hour trailing after me.’
I’m too tired to make a reply, so I just go ‘Mmph,’ and hear the smile in his voice when he says, ‘Night, Ashley.’
I’m only woken up by my mom shaking me awake. ‘Ashley! Come on, you’re going to be late!’
‘Five more minutes,’ I mumble, turning away from the hand on my forehead and burrowing my face into the pillow, scrunching my face up. My stomach hurts, kind of like I need to be sick, and my mouth tastes a little like I tried to swallow sawdust.
Ugh, God, I do not want to go to Calculus first thing with a hangover.
Mom yanks off the comforter and shakes my shoulder again. ‘Ashley, you need to leave in five minutes.’
That wakes me up. I shoot up into a sitting position (regretting it immediately when I feel dizzy) and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I groan.
Mom tries to give me a stern look, crossing her arms over her chest and arching her eyebrows at me, but the effect is lost when she cracks out in a smile, trying not to laugh at me. ‘Good night at the party?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘A little too good from the looks of you.’ She takes in the fact I am still wearing my party clothes.
‘I feel like crap,’ I moan.
‘I think trying to function at school today is going to be punishment enough for you for drinking so much. We didn’t hear you come in, at least.’
‘We left early, because I didn’t feel so great.’
Mom nods. ‘You might want to sort out all that mascara before you leave,’ she calls after me, as I drag my feet to go past her to the bathroom. When I look in the mirror while the shower’s heating up, I grimace. There’s mascara smudged in wide circles around my eyes and down my cheeks, and my hair is like a bird’s nest.
I’m four minutes, max, in the shower – a new record. I wrestle my hair into a braid, and throw on my jeans and the first T-shirt I lay my hands on, moving as quickly as I can without feeling like I’m going to puke.
I grab a banana and granola bar from the kitchen, down some OJ, and run outside, only ten minutes later than usual, hearing my mom shout, ‘Good luck dealing with the hangover!’
Todd is waiting for me when I reach his car. ‘Hey.’
‘Hi.’
‘How’re you feeling this morning?’
‘Like hell.’
He laughs. ‘I’m not surprised. You were a wreck last night.’
‘Don’t remind me. No, seriously, don’t. And I have calculus first period. This day is a nightmare.’
‘Were your parents mad at you for getting drunk?’
‘My mom said that facing today in my current state is punishment enough.’
We aren’t late to school, at least, making it just in time for homeroom, where we part ways in a corridor, pushed along by floods of students. I check my cell, and my mood drops when I see that Josh hasn’t texted.
Why hasn’t he texted to ask why I didn’t meet him like I usually do, before school?
My stomach flips over, and it’s nothing to do with the hangover.
I shove my cell into the back pocket of my jeans. Well, fine. If he doesn’t want to talk, then fine.
I think back to last night; I didn’t do anything to make him mad at me, did I? It’s surely nothing to do with what happened before the party; he can’t be mad at me for that. Unless he’s mad that he had to leave early because of me. Or is it because I didn’t say goodbye properly last night when he was arguing with Todd?
Someone bumps into me, and I clutch onto my satchel to stop it falling to the floor as I right myself. I try and push away thoughts of Josh; he’s probably just not had chance to text me, if he was busy with football practice before school started. That’s all. Right?
Chapter Seventeen
I don’t see Josh until lunch, when he’s laughing with the guys on the football team in the cafeteria.
I march over to him before going to the lunch line. I texted him twice this morning, and I know he always uses his cell during class, so he has to be deliberately ignoring me. ‘Hey.’
He looks up, the huge grin on his face dropping a little. ‘Oh, so you’re talking to me now, are you?’
I grit my teeth. So he’s mad at me for the end of the night. ‘Can we talk?’
One of the jocks teases, ‘Oo-ooh, someone’s in trouble,’ but I ignore him and all their laughter. Josh sighs, pushes up from the table and walks away from their table with me, so we have a little more privacy.
‘Why are you ignoring my texts?’
‘I thought we weren’t talking, after you stormed off last night.’
I roll my eyes. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re – sulking like a child, because of a little thing like that? From what I remember, you and Todd were arguing, and I went inside and left you two to it, before you woke my parents up.’
He scoffs, shaking his head but not really responding.
‘What?’
‘You’re ridiculous.’
‘I’m ridiculous?’ I gape at him, then shake my head. I don’t even understand what we’re fighting over. ‘This whole thing is ridiculous! Why are you acting like I did something horrendous? I was a bit drunk last night, sure, but—’
‘O’Connor went in after you,’ he says in a tone I can only describe as grumpy. ‘I saw him, before I left. You didn’t send him away.’
I stare at him, mouth hanging open, before composing myself. ‘Hold on, so you’re not mad because I went inside without saying goodbye, you’re mad because Todd followed me
and you didn’t? He brought my house keys to me, because I’d left them in the door, and then helped me get up the stairs to bed. He just helped me out.’
‘I just . . . I feel like you keep choosing him over me.’
‘So I’m not allowed to have friends now?’ I snap. ‘God, Josh, you’re acting like a child, you know that?’
‘You keep picking him over me, Ashley! I’m your boyfriend; don’t you think that makes me feel just a little bit crappy? Especially when I feel like you’re pushing me away because you won’t do anything more than kiss.’
‘Prude!’ some guy shouts, and they all start laughing and jeering. My face feels like it’s on fire, as I hear more people join in the laughter and Josh doesn’t defend me, just smirks along with them.
I make an effort to pretend I’m not totally humiliated, and I scoff. ‘I can’t believe you brought that up.’
‘I’m just saying.’
‘That has nothing to do with any of this. And Todd’s my friend. If it was Naomi, or Danielle, then you wouldn’t be acting like this.’
He sighs through his nose. ‘That would be different—’
‘No, it really wouldn’t. And you know what? I’m not even going to have this conversation with you right now. If you can’t see how ridiculous you’re being, then I’ll just wait until you can, and you can talk rationally and apologize for acting like such an idiot.’
I turn on my heel and walk off, going for the dramatic exit. I grind my teeth, but hold my chin high anyway. I hear Josh shouting my name after me, but I ignore him.
And that’s going great, until I slip on some spilt soda, almost losing my balance completely.
I regain my composure, and glance around briefly just to check that everybody isn’t laughing at me, before I go stand, by myself, in the lunch queue. I glance over in Josh’s direction, and notice that Naomi, Austin, Neil and Sam have joined him – and Danielle and Eliza are heading in their direction now, so they’re not an option to sit with . . . I repress the urge to yell at him when I see him laughing bawdily.
I look around the cafeteria, and spot a few people I have classes with – my lab partner from science class, and the girl I sit next to in history – but I don’t really have the courage to go sit with them for lack of other company. I don’t see Todd, at his usual table – but I do see Allie.
Definitely not sitting there.
I pay for my sandwich and chips, and duck out of the cafeteria. I guess I’ll be spending the lunch hour in the library, on my own.
It’s only later, during last period, that I remember that Todd left early for a dentist appointment, and I was supposed to get a ride home with Josh.
But he hasn’t made any move to talk to me since lunch, not even a text. If he’s not adult enough to apologize, I’m not going to put away my pride and get a ride home from him. It sounds childish when I think of it like that, but by then I’ve already started walking home. It’s dark and cloudy with the threat of rain, and when the wind picks up, I do up the buttons on my cardigan for a little extra warmth. If I hadn’t been in such a rush this morning, I would’ve picked up a coat – or at least an umbrella . . .
I’m barely five minutes away from school when it starts drizzling.
Resolute, I clutch my binder closer to my chest and duck my head so the rain doesn’t get in my eyes. I’m not going back to school to ask Josh for a ride; I won’t. If either of my parents had been home, I might’ve called them, but they’re both working until five at least.
The rain gets heavier gradually, until by the time I’m about halfway home my teeth are chattering and I’m soaked. I hold my binder over my head, but it doesn’t do much to keep the rain off.
I’m so preoccupied focusing on not tripping over my loose shoelace (I don’t want to risk bending over to fix it and getting soaked by a car driving through a nearby puddle) that I don’t even notice the car that has slowed down to a crawl on the road next to me until a voice calls, ‘Hey.’
I jump, almost dropping my binder. I turn to the car, and see Josh’s face as he rolls down the window. ‘What do you want?’
‘Get in the car, Ashley. You’ll get sick.’
I carry on walking, my steps longer and brisker than before. He can’t act all chivalrous now, not when what he needs to do is just apologize.
‘No.’
‘Ashley . . .’
‘Go away, Josh.’
His car continues to crawl along the road next to me, and he leans across the passenger seat to me. ‘Stop being stubborn, and get in the car.’
‘No.’
‘I’ll follow you all the way home like this.’
I scowl at the ground, teeth chattering. I must look so pathetic right now.
About a minute later, Josh sighs, loud enough for me to hear. ‘I’m sorry for what I said earlier, about you picking Todd over me. I know you’re not, but it’s just how it feels, you know? But you’re right, I was acting like a kid, and I shouldn’t have said anything about you not wanting to have sex, either.’
I nod stiffly.
‘I’m sorry, Ashley. Will you please get in the car now?’
‘You can’t just say sorry and think everything’s okay. You were a complete ass earlier, and I’m still madat you. I’m walking home and if I get sick then I’ll just have to deal with it. Now go home.’
‘I am sorry, though. I mean it.’
‘Like hell.’
‘Ashley!’ He smacks his palm against the wheel, stops the car and gets out, which makes me stop. His lips are pressed into a tight line and the muscles in his jaw work furiously. ‘Please, get in the car. If you’re mad at me, then fine, and you can glare at me the whole way back to your house if that’s what you want to do, but get in the damn car already.’
I glare at him for a second longer before I yank open the door to the back seat and scramble in, tossing my bag and binder on the floor. I don’t sit in the passenger seat like I usually would; I don’t want him to try to hold my hand or put a hand on my leg. My wet clothes soak into the fabric upholstery and rain drips down my neck, under my clothes. Loose hair sticks to my neck and face.
Josh doesn’t say anything else to me, and I keep my eyes staring out of the window so that I don’t accidentally catch his gaze in the rear-view mirror.
When we pull up outside my house, I say a grudging, ‘Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome.’
I gather my satchel and binder, and my fingers just close around the door handle when he speaks again, and I stop.
‘Ashley, wait. Can’t we – I don’t know, can’t we talk about this? Please?’
‘What do you want to talk about?’ I sigh, putting my things on my lap and turning to look at him. Josh has twisted around in his seat and I’ve never seen him look more like a five-year-old caught sneaking cookies before dinner.
‘Us. Everything’s so weird lately, ever since you started being friends with him. You’re acting like a different person. You’re . . . quieter. Like you don’t want to talk to any of us. It’s not just me that’s noticed, it’s all the guys as well. Naomi said you didn’t go to their last girls’ night in, when they watched The Notebook.’
‘Maybe that’s because I don’t have anything to say – I have next to nothing in common with any of them. I barely have anything in common with you, and—’
‘Since when has that ever been a problem?’
‘Maybe I just didn’t realize it was a problem, before. I lost my best friend after we started dating, and I didn’t even try and fix things with her. I hung out with your friends because I didn’t have the confidence to go back to my old friends after one stupid fight with Allie, and I was too scared of being left alone to try to make new friends. I don’t even really get on with them, and you never even noticed. Hell, I can’t even talk to you about most things because I don’t think you’ll care what I have to say. So you’ll excuse me if I can’t feel too much sympathy for you feeling left out when I do have a friend.’
I look down at my lap. My hands are sweaty and shaking, and my fingers fiddle with the broken corner of my binder.
‘Ashley . . . why didn’t you tell me any of this?’
I look up at my boyfriend, who looks genuinely shocked. And for some reason, my hands stop shaking, and everything feels weirdly calm for a moment. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach has vanished, and I feel like smiling, of all things.
‘I didn’t want to. If I’m being totally honest with you, Josh, I . . . I was happy that someone like you took an interest in me. You made me feel like I wasn’t invisible any more. I was happy to have a boyfriend, and I thought that having a boyfriend was the most important thing that could happen to me. And . . . I was wrong.’
Josh stares at me, eyes flickering between mine, trying to discern my expression, before his forehead puckers into a frown and he pouts a little.
‘So what . . . what are you saying?’
The corners of my lips tug up, and even though I know it’s really not the right thing to do in this situation, I let myself smile. ‘I’m saying that I’m really sorry, Josh, but . . . I don’t think I want to be your girlfriend any more.’
I grab the door handle again, and Josh continues to stare at me, his mouth gaping open, rendered utterly speechless.
‘Thanks for the ride.’
Chapter Eighteen
‘Ashley?’ Mom’s voice floats through the house to me as I set my keys down. ‘Is that you?’
It takes me a second to find my voice. ‘Yeah, it’s me. What are you doing home?’
‘I left one of my files at home for my meeting – we were doing the meeting over Skype anyway, so I just did it from here. I’m making coffee, do you want one?’
‘Sure,’ I call back. ‘I’m just going to jump in the shower quickly, though.’
‘I’ll leave it in your room.’
‘Thanks, Mom.’
I can hear rainwater dripping from me and falling softly onto the carpet as I make my way up the stairs to my room. My limbs feel stiff from the rain and cold, but I peel my clothes off methodically before wrapping my robe around me to go shower.
It’s weird, feeling this elated when I’ve just broken up with the guy I thought I loved so much. I had been with him since freshman year, and now . . .
