“We’re going to be praying for your momma, you, and Nikkei too.”
Thanks, Layla. I love, y’all.” Envy teared up and her voice quivered.
“Don’t start boo-hooing. Get ready and go see about your mother. It’s time for you to be strong. I’m praying for you, Envy.”
Chapter Sixteen
Much that is beautiful must be discarded, So that we may resemble
a taller impression of ourselves. John Ashberry
The trip from Memphis to Murfreesboro was a mixture of pleasantries, arguing back and forth with each other, bringing up issues about the past, what more could be done for their mother, and now, about ten minutes outside of Murfreesboro, the two sisters were silent as a snowflake floating in the air. Maybe both of the women were in thought about what they would be faced with as they drew closer to their momma’s care home. Envy pulled open the window flap in front of her and viewed herself in the mirror. Inside of her purse, she removed a tube of lip gloss and painted her lips. Envy finished just as they pulled up to Adams Place Long Term Care Health Center.
“I sure hope Momma is doing all right.” Envy’s words broke the silence.
“Momma is eighty years old. She hasn’t been in the best mental state for a while,” Nikkei responded and looked at Envy like Envy wasn’t aware that their mother hadn’t been well.
“I know that,” Envy snapped back. “But with all of these new health developments, it makes me uneasy. For the first time since I was a child, I think Momma might be at the end days. We’ve had our differences, me and her, but she’s still my mother, and nothing will ever change that.” Envy’s voice took on a sad tone and she looked downward while Nikkei found a parking space and pulled into it.
Nikkei turned off the ignition and faced Envy. She reached out to her sister and laid her hand on her shoulder. It was the first sign of compassion and sisterly affection shown between the two since they were in their late teens. “Momma’s a fighter. You know that, Envy. She’s not leaving here until she’s good and ready.” Nikkei grinned.
Envy returned the grin. “You’re right. Nikkei, I apologize.” Envy’s eyes locked on her sister’s and her tone sounded grim. “You’ve done a great job taking care of Momma. I know I could have done more to help you. I’m sorry about that.”
“No need for apologies. We’re family. I know you, Envy, remember? I’m your sister. And you and Mother wouldn’t get along with each other long enough to close the door behind you if she had moved in with you. I know she loves you, and you love her, but the two of you are too much alike. So it worked out just the way God intended. You’ve contributed finances, and I know you would come running, just like you did when I called this time, had Momma needed you. So what if you didn’t come by to see her every day? She understood you, Envy.”
Nikkei’s words were soothing to Envy’s spirit. She fought against the tears that formed in her eyes. She hated crying. She believed crying revealed far too much of what was going on inside a person’s heart. Envy hugged her sister, and for a few minutes, they sat in the car like they were contemplating what they were going to do when they saw their mother.
Envy’s phone rang just as she opened the car door and stepped out. It was Leonard. For some reason, the sound of his voice brought comfort to her troubled soul. “Hi, what’s up with you?” she asked, trying to sound like the hard, tough Envy that she often displayed.
“You and me, I hope. Where are you? I’d like to see you later this afternoon. Maybe we can have dinner or just go to the park and hang out,” he suggested.
“No, I can’t. I’m out of town.”
“Out of town? For how long?” he asked without sounding like he was badgering her.
“I’m with my sister in Murfreesboro. Our mother is in a long term care facility up here. She’s taken a bad turn health wise.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do? Do you need anything?” He sounded so sincere, so caring. His words seemed to draw her closer to him than she wanted to be.
“Thanks, Leonard, but I’m fine. I’ve got to go now. We’re on our way to her room. I’ll talk to you when I get back to Memphis. Bye,” she said and snapped the phone shut.
“A friend?” Nikkei asked.
“More like an acquaintance.”
“Envy, when are you going to allow someone into your life, into your heart?” Nikkei asked as they walked inside the center. “Any time I ask you about a man in your life, you always say the same thing: ‘No friends or boyfriends for me; only acquaintances.’”
“It’s safer that way, Nikkei. You lucked out and found a great husband and a good father to your children. But those kinds of men are becoming extinct. I don’t like test driving to see if this one is the right one, or if that one is the wrong one. You know, all of that game playing. I’ve played it long enough. Now I’m content doing things my way.” They caught the elevator to the second floor and walked along the clean as a whistle corridor. “I like my life just the way it is, believe that.” They came to their momma’s room and saw her lying in the bed. She appeared to be asleep.
Nikkei approached her bedside first while Envy looked around the room. It looked just like a small efficiency apartment; kitchen to the right, living room area toward the back of the room, and to the far left was the bedroom area. A door next to the bedroom led to an accessible bathroom. A large picture window near the living room furniture made the room appear lively and full of life. Live green plants were strategically placed through the room. Her mother always had a green thumb.
Shame crept up and Envy could barely stand the thought that she had never been to the nursing facility in the three months Nikkei had taken their mother there. Nikkei was a great daughter. Something clicked in Envy, and she began to see her sister in a different light. She watched her as she gingerly stroked her gray hair and spoke softly to her. Though her momma didn’t answer, as Envy walked over and stood on the other side of the bed, her mother slowly turned her head toward Envy.
“Hi, Momma.” Envy leaned down and kissed her on the side of her soft crinkled cheek. “How are you feeling?” Her mother stared without answering before shifting her gaze back to Nikkei.
“I’m going to go to the nurses’ office and see what they can tell me about mother. I’ll be right back.” Nikkei was her mother’s power of attorney and executrix over her estate. Envy used to be upset about it, but the more she saw Nikkei in action when it came to their mother, the more Envy understood why her mother placed her over everything.
Nikkei was capable and she was going to handle their mother’s business no matter what. It wasn’t like that for Envy. Envy thought of how busy she was, doing her. Her life mirrored that of her mother when her mother was a young woman. Beautiful. Secretive. Selfish. Self-Absorbed. Successful. Like her mother once did, Envy used her looks and her brains to get what she wanted out of life. She attended church to make sure she stayed on God’s good side, something her grandmother taught her to do before she died when Envy was twelve years old.
“You can do what you want out in this world, Envy,” her grandmother would often say, “but you can’t make any of it last if you don’t keep God in your life. Always find time to spend with God. No matter how many men come knocking, make sure God is always the first one you let inside.”
Envy pulled up a chair and sat next to her mother’s bed. “Momma,” Envy whispered. “It’s me, Envy. Your baby girl.” She squeezed her mother’s ice cold hand. “Momma, I love you. I love you so much. I know you’re going to get better. You’re a survivor.” Slowly her mother shifted her head toward Envy. She didn’t speak, but she did turn up her mouth in a barely noticeable smile. “I’m glad to see you smile, Momma. This time when you get better, you’re going to come home with me. I’m going to take care of you. I promise. Okay?”
The door to her mother’s room opened and broke the moment. It was Nikkei. “The nurse practitioner wants us to come to her office. She needs to talk to us together. T
hey have a monitor in here so they can see what’s going on with her around the clock. I’m glad Momma’s here. This is one of the best long term care facilities in Tennessee. I was lucky to get her in here. She looks very well taken care of, don’t you think?” Nikkei eyed her sister with curiosity.
“She does. Everything is clean and so is Momma. She looks like she’s being cared for in the manner in which she deserves. That’s a blessing.”
“Yes, it is.” Before leaving the room, Nikkei explained to their mother that they would return shortly. She met her daughter’s explanation with blank eyes. Nikkei kissed her and squeezed her hand, then pulled the covers up around her neck. The sisters walked in the same rhythmic pace to the nurses’ office.
Using her hand, the nurse gestured toward the chairs in front of her desk. “Please have a seat,” the nurse practitioner offered.
They sat down. “Tell us what exactly is going on?” asked Envy right away.
“The tests we administered for pulmonary embolism returned positive. Unfortunately, there is a large clot in her lung. We’re working on trying to stop the blood clot from getting bigger, as well as keep new clots from forming. Right now we have her on medication to thin the blood. But your mother’s condition is life threatening, so we’re giving her more medicine hoping it will dissolve the clot faster.
“But I still don’t understand this.” Envy began to cry, and Nikkei wrapped her arm around her sister.
The nurse practitioner was very patient. “The risk for PE doubles every ten years after age sixty, and your mother has done well being that she is eighty years old. She’s been experiencing shortness of breath, chest pains, and coughing, which is why we suspected PE. The fact that she has hypertension and dementia makes her condition much worse. I’m sorry.” The practitioner’s expression went grim. “I can tell you that we’re doing everything for your mother, but she will have to be transferred to Murfreesboro Hospital ICU where she can be treated more effectively. A transport ambulance should be arriving any time.”
“Code blue,” the lightweight male voice on the intercom loudly invaded their conversation. “Code blue, Wilson F234,” he announced even louder. He barely had the chance to repeat the emergency code before nursing staff members raced toward the room that the male voice instructed.
“Excuse me, the practitioner mumbled and rushed off in the same direction where Envy and Nikkei’s mother resided. The two sisters ran behind her and several other nursing staff. The unthinkable occurred when they followed the cart and staff as it barged into their mother’s efficiency.
“Envy, oh my gosh! What’s going on?” Nikkei squeezed past Envy and slightly saw the blue grey skin of her mother between the mountains of staff.
Nikkei screamed, and so did Envy when she stole a space next to her sister. The defibrillator was pulled out, and like a suction cup, it jerked their mother’s limp body up off the bed when they placed it on her weakened chest. Envy placed both hands over her mouth and bit on one of them. Nikkei had tears streaming down her face. They suddenly grabbed hold of each other’s hands and they were forced out of the room. Shaking like they were standing outside in a blizzard, they held on to each other outside their mother’s room while fear danced around in their heads.
Nikkei called home to tell her husband what was going on while Envy stood in a daze against the wall. “Lord, please heal my mother. Bring her through this,” Envy pleaded out loud.
Nikkei turned and faced Envy. “What are we going to do if she doesn’t make it? What are we going to do?” Nikkei’s cries escalated until other residents started opening the doors and coming out in the hallways, poking their heads out the door.
Someone in a blue scrub outfit came outside of Mrs. Wilson’s room and escorted the ladies to a waiting area. “Everything will be fine. The doctor will be in shortly to talk to the both of you.” Her voice was consoling. She closed the double glass doors and exited the room.
An eternity passed during the next sixteen and three quarter minutes. The doctor entered the room and pulled the scrub cap off of his head full of blond curly hair.
“How is she, doctor?” Nikkei spoke up first. Her face was engraved with furrowed fear and hopeless faith.
He averted his eyes toward Envy. His words moved in slow motion, or at least they seemed to. The hollow sound of his bold voice told them what neither of them wanted to hear. A flurry of pain filled all the spaces of air in the room. Sobs. Tears. Screams. Hurt. Bitterness. All of the emotions of hearing the doctor’s words: “I’m sorry, we did all we could for your mother, but she didn’t make it.”
×
Like Mahalia Jackson, Layla’s voice rang out the old spiritual hymn, “Amazing Grace.” Her voice had the same hypnotizing, spirit filled effect it always did, even though this was a funeral. Envy appeared distraught while Nikkei sat on the front row just as lifeless as her mother who lay in the milk colored coffin. Soft cries could be heard as people stood around the coffin underneath a funeral shed. A light mist of rain fell, and the clouds were overcast. Kacie positioned herself as close as possible near Envy. Envy looked in a daze at her mother’s coffin, probably unaware of who was or wasn’t at the graveside service. Leonard stood toward the back of the cluster of people.
So much of Envy’s life had been spent resenting her mother for the things she didn’t do while she was alive. She’d grown up resenting her own name. How could a mother name her child Envy? How could a mother become jealous and envious of the very child she gave that name too? Her mother always seemed to favor Nikkei. Envy couldn’t help it if her father left her mother for his secretary when they were small kids. It wasn’t her fault that her mother began to let herself get out of shape, and the once strikingly beautiful face and figure had meshed into a mere figment of imagination.
Envy was too busy pulling boys and older guys into her world by means of out of control sex as a means of self gratitude. It was her mother who showed Envy through her actions how to use her beauty and body to get what she wanted from boys and men. Anything from money to food to clothes. Just about anything she wanted, her mother could con a man into getting it for her, and Envy learned well how to do the same. Envy watched tearfully as the funeral directors lowered her mother into the cold, damp ground. Her beauty had faded away like the dust.
Envy wondered if her father was at the funeral. She couldn’t remember if anyone mentioned that they had called him or not. She had not, though she would have informed him had her mind been more stable. But her mother’s death stole a piece of her life away, and she didn’t know if she would ever recover to the point of one day looking back on this day without being sad. Someone passed her a green plant and kissed her on the cheek when the funeral was over. Her eyes were too glazed over with tears to see exactly who it was; probably one of her mother’s few real friends. Envy held on to the plant and the beautiful obituary Nikkei had printed. It was full of happy memories from the time they were children all the way to now. There was one photo with their mother, Barbara Wilson, surrounded by Nikkei and her family. If anyone didn’t know any better, they would think that the Wilsons were the perfect family. But the secrets ran deep. So deep that Envy wasn’t sure if her mother was in heaven with God and the angels like the pastor preached.
Envy never heard her mother say much about God, unless it was included in a line of expletives. She’d never forced Envy or Nikkei to go to church, and she sure never took them. If it weren’t for Layla inviting her when they were college students, Envy imagined she would probably be a total replica of her mother. Her emotions were mixed, but the grief tugged at her harder than the days of old when Envy felt left out and kicked aside. Tonight she needed to be held, to be comforted. She would call one of her bedfellows after the repast.
After the funeral services ended, Envy arrived home exhausted and mentally drained. Just as she turned the key to step inside her apartment, Mrs. Rawlings met her at the door.
“Baby, I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it to your
mother’s homegoing.”
Homegoing? Where is her new home? Who knows? Envy’s mind raced with one confusing thought after another. “Thank you, Mrs. Rawlings. I know you were thinking of me. That makes me feel better,” Envy lied. She still felt lousy. She didn’t want to be bothered with Mrs. Rawlings’s preachy words, not after today. Too much pain, too many wounds, too much. Fischer popped his wagging head from behind Mrs. Rawlings’s red and white skirt. He saw Envy and almost pushed Mrs. Rawlings down trying to get past her. He jumped up on Envy and licked her face all over.
“Hey, Momma’s big boy,” Envy said in baby talk. “You always make Momma feel good.” She gathered his huge head inside her hands and gave him a big Eskimo kiss. “I’ll take him for his walk, Mrs. Rawlings, after I get out of these clothes and heels. I’m drained. Absolutely drained.”
“Honey, I know you are. But everything is going to be all right. God is with you whether you realize it or not. And your mother is in a better place, child.” Envy cringed when Mrs. Rawlings said better place. “As for Fischer, he just came back in the house about thirty minutes ago. I let him out in the backyard for a long while. So you shouldn’t have to worry yourself about walking him. He’s just glad to see you. And I am too.”
“I’m glad to be home. I want to crawl up in my bed and go to sleep. Maybe when I wake up, all of this will be just a bad nightmare, something that never happened.” Envy’s words were heavy, and her face was visibly saddened.
“Have you eaten?” asked Mrs. Rawlings.
“Yes, ma’am. That reminds me. I made you a plate. There was so much food at the repast. Let me go get it out of the car. We should have enough food to last us at least a day or two.” Envy opened her apartment door and kicked off her shoes before she turned around and went back out to her car to retrieve the bag of food. She gave Mrs. Rawlings two plates covered with thick aluminum foil and carried the other two plates with her.
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