Envy had a long way to go before her heart would heal. The ugliness she saw each time she looked in the mirror made her cringe. Her physical beauty was just that - physical. She used it to get what she wanted, but thanks to her friends and God, Envy started listening and internalizing the words of love and forgiveness being spoken over her life. The men she used like a secret government weapon for her temporary pleasure slowly stopped. Leonard was the only man she continued to talk to. For some reason, she viewed him as more than a bedmate, he was a true friend. He seemed sincere when he told her that he had deep feelings for her. There were still tempting times, so tempting that she changed her cell and home phone numbers.
The day turned out to be one of the changing points for the three women. It was no special Sunday, no holiday, no special occasion at all. It was the power of God to heal wounded and broken hearts.
Pastor Betts ran up to the pulpit and took his place behind the podium. “Hallelujah,” he cried out. “Encourage yourself in the Lord,” he repeated the words of the song. “Sometimes you can’t depend on your friends to encourage you. Sometimes you can’t look for your mother, your father, your brother or sister to encourage you. You can’t even depend on your pastor to encourage you all the time. Sometimes you have to do it yourself. You have to get up off that seat of self-condemnation. You have to stop speaking negative things over your life and speak words that will lift you up. Encourage yourself in the Lord,” he said with power in his voice.
At the closing of his message, Pastor Betts extended an invitation for people to come forward for prayer, for salvation, or to join church as a transferred member. Several people, young and old, moved forward from the pews.
Layla started shouting and screaming from her seat in the choir stand. Her arms stretched forward, and her voice rang out again with the words of the powerful song when she saw Dennis move from where he stood and began his walk down toward the altar.
Envy sat down in the chair next to Mrs. Rawlings bed Sunday afternoon. The two ladies chatted while Envy packed her things. Mrs. Rawlings was going home today. The nosy neighbor had become her confidante, her family. Envy had already made up a schedule that she planned to stick to every day to make sure Mrs. Rawlings would be well taken care of.
Every morning at six o’clock, Envy got up, walked Fischer, returned home to take her shower and dress for work. Next, she went to Mrs. Rawlings’s and prepared a light breakfast for her. Lunch was delivered by a special food program for seniors through the aging commission. They also provided Mrs. Rawlings with an aide and a nursing assistant that came five days a week during the day while Envy worked. Envy loved having Mrs. Rawlings to take care of. Envy felt like she was finally part of a real family.
“Mrs. Rawlings, do you need anything before I leave for work?” asked Envy.
“No, honey. God is here with me and Fischer ain’t about to go anywhere,” she said and rubbed Fischer’s head.
Since Mrs. Rawlings’s discharge from the hospital, she and Envy spent most of their time together in the evenings when Envy made it home from work. So much was transforming in Envy’s life and in a way, it frightened her.
Opening up and talking to Mrs. Rawlings became easier for Envy with each passing day. She found Mrs. Rawlings to be a great listener. Mrs. Rawlings told her that there was nothing she hadn’t seen, heard, or experienced during her eighty-eight years on God’s earth. She didn’t come off as shocked or surprised no matter what Envy shared with her. Mrs. Rawlings gave Envy a feeling of acceptance for the first time in her life. Slowly, Envy imagined that it was possible for her to break free from the bondages of her past.
Through conversations, Envy opened up to her about the hundred plus men she’d laid with starting at the age of twelve. Mrs. Rawlings didn’t blink an eye or act like she was appalled at all as Envy talked.
“Mrs. Rawlings, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But when my daddy walked out on us, I was devastated. I rarely heard from him when he married someone else. So I started doing whatever I wanted to do, hoping that if I was bad enough or wild enough, he would come back home to me because I needed him.”
“Baby,” Mrs. Rawlings told her, her words still somewhat slow to get out, “I want you to understand something. No man on this earth can take the place of your father’s love. I don’t care how many you sleep with. It won’t change the past, and it will stalemate your future and all the things God has prepared for you. Only God can fill that empty spot.” She laid her bony hand on top of Envy’s while they sat on the couch.
“I know that now. For the first time since he left, I believe I understand that. Whatever happened between my father and mother wasn’t my fault. It didn’t mean that he stopped loving me. I think I can finally forgive him for leaving us, Mrs. Rawlings. But that’s not what haunts me. I’ve done something that even God won’t forgive me for. And I know I will never be able to forgive myself.” Envy cried.
“Child,” Mrs. Rawlings placed her frail hand underneath Envy’s cheek, “you know you can tell me anything. No one will ever know because I promise I’ll take it to my grave.” Mrs. Rawlings began to look tired. Envy had been around her enough to know when Mrs. Rawlings needed to rest.
“We’ll talk later. Right now, you need to get some rest.” Envy stood, and like a child, she reached down and helped Mrs. Rawlings to stand and led her to her bedroom. Envy pulled out her neighbor’s favorite bed duster from the closet, and helped Mrs. Rawlings change her clothes.
“You’re an angel from heaven, Envy.”
“Not hardly," Envy responded. Envy pulled the floral bed covers up around Mrs. Rawlings’s shoulders and kissed her on the top of her head. “Get some rest. I’m going to go home for a while. I’ll be back later on after I take Fischer for his walk.”
“Take your time. I’ll be here, unless the good Lord says otherwise.”
“You’ll be here.” Envy grinned.
Mrs. Rawlings smiled. “’Member to get the keys so you can get back in.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Envy picked up the extra door key from the table near the door. She did as she said, walked Fischer and then went home and cleaned up the house. Next she called and talked to Kacie and Layla on three way. She wished she could find the release from the past like they seemed to have found.
“Guess what, y’all? I told Dennis that I love him,” Layla admitted to Envy and Kacie.
“What?” asked Kacie.
“When?” asked Envy.
“Today. We were hanging out, walking on Tom Lee Park. He’s always telling me how beautiful I am, and how much he loves to be with me. But this time, I stopped and held on to his hand, right there on the walking trail. People walked all around us. I think I saw some lady give us a nasty look for standing in the middle of the walking trail, but I didn’t care. I had something to say and I wanted to say it.”
“Good for you,” replied Kacie.
“Keep on,” urged Envy. “What happened?”
“I turned toward him and I said it,” confessed Layla.
“Said it how? Come on, stop making us beg,” Kacie told her.
“I know that’s right.” Envy added.
“I said, Dennis I love you. I love you with all of my heart. I went on to tell him how I believed that God brought us together and that I wanted to be his girl forever.”
“Oh my, no you didn’t.” Excitement rang through Kacie’s voice.
“Girl, you are so bold. How did he take it?” inquired Envy.
“He got down on one knee,” Layla continued.
Both Envy and Kacie interrupted with their screams.
“Shut up, y’all, if you want to hear what he said,” Layla insisted in the middle of her laughing on the phone with her friends. “He got on one knee and he said, ‘I love you with all of my heart too, Layla.’ By this time, I was feeling a little bit embarrassed because a few people were gathered around. I guess they knew something was going on, seeing a man down on one knee. Anyway, he went on to tell me th
at he thanked God for bringing me into his life. Then he said, ‘Layla, will you marry me?’ Tears were streaming down my face, but I managed to answer. I accepted his proposal, then he got up, and in front of the people who were standing around us, he grabbed me in his arms and kissed me like he was never going to see me again. People started clapping and everything.”
Kacie spoke up first. “I am so happy for you. You deserve it, Layla.”
“Yeah, and Dennis is getting himself a real jewel,” added Envy.
“What about a ring?” Kacie asked Layla.
“Oh yeah, I forgot. Do you know he had the ring in his car? He said he was already going to propose to me when the sun set. He said he didn’t care if I admitted I loved him or not, he was going to take his chances. And that’s exactly what he did. When the sun set over the Mississippi River, we sat on the bench. And he proposed to me all over again.
“Wow, what a love story,” cried Envy.
“I’m telling you,” said Kacie. “Have y’all noticed how different our lives are becoming? I believe God is doing something new in all of us. Good things are going to open for us, and Layla, He started with you.”
“You think so?” Layla inquired.
“I do,” Envy agreed. “Kacie, the blessing for you in all of this mess with Deacon is that he is a married man, and who knows, he may have gotten custody of little Kyland like he said he was going to do if he had been proven to be his father. You have the chance to make something more of your life without the added pressure and drama,” Envy told her.
“She’s right, Kacie,” Layla said and nodded in agreement.
Kacie grinned and said, “I know. And that’s why I have my own story to tell y’all.”
“What is going on here tonight? Is it true confessions or what?” Envy asked.
“I guess so,” Kacie said. “I decided to enroll back in school. I’m going to start classes two weeks from Monday, majoring in Pharmacy Tech. I’ll have to go to school for nine months. After I finish, I’m going to apply to work at one of the pharmacies. And that’s not all,” she said.
“Ewwww, Kacie.” Layla was crying hard over the phone. Her voice trembled and she sniffed and snorted. “God…thank you, Lord. Thank you, God.”
“Don’t start shouting on this phone,” warned Envy in a playful voice. “What else do you have to tell us, Kacie?”
“I made an appointment at the Health Loop. I’m going to have my tubes tied. But hold up before you get too happy. They can’t do it until the first of next month.”
“Now you can shout,” Envy yelled, “’cause I’m about to cut a step over here. Thank you, Lord.”
“Y’all so crazy.” Kacie laughed loudly into the phone.
After they laughed for a few minutes, Layla asked Envy, “Okay, tell us what’s going on with you. We rarely see you since you’ve been taking care of your neighbor. What’s up with you?”
Envy hesitated, then released a long sigh. “Well, my news isn’t as grand as what y’all said. But I want y’all to know that I’ve turned over a new leaf in my life. I’m going to stop living my secret life. And I’m also going to make a move to get closer to my sister and her family. Life is too short to hold grudges. After all, Nikkei is a good sister. It’s always been me who’s pulled away from her.”
“Okay, I understand about family, and I agree with you, but what’s this about a secret life?” Kacie asked like she was really curious.
“Yeah, cough it up. Get it all out,” commented Layla.
“Don’t pretend like y’all don’t know already, though you didn’t know the extent. But I’ve been around the block more than a few times,” Envy finally confessed.
“How many times?” asked Kacie and she started snickering.
“You ought to be ashamed,” Layla told Kacie.
Envy stopped them. “No, it’s all right. I’ll answer her because I’ve always downed her about having all them baby daddies. Had I not been dropping birth control pills faithfully and making the man use protection every single time, I would probably be in Kacie’s shoes too. Especially since I’ve slept with…” Envy paused. She didn’t know if she could admit it even to her best friends.
“You can do it,” Layla told her. “Let it go. Don’t let the devil keep you caged. Tell it so he won’t have a hold on you anymore.”
“Since I’ve slept with almost a hundred men since I was 12 years old.” Envy heard their gasps. “See, I knew it. I knew you would react like this.”
“React like what?” Kacie said forcefully. “All we did was gasp. Who wouldn’t have hearing something like that; especially coming from you? Shoot, people gasp all the time when they hear how many kids I have, and see how I walk. But so what? They don’t live my life.”
“She’s right, Envy,” Layla chimed in. “I get so many oohs and aahs because of my weight. But I have to deal with it. Me and Kacie weren’t gasping to make you feel ashamed. It’s just that it’s hard hearing you admit that you’ve got flaws too. That’s what makes us special. I understand that now.”
“There’s one more thing,” Envy said. “There is one man who I care about. I’ve been seeing him on and off for a few years. I never wanted to listen when he told me how he felt about me. I refused to allow myself to open up my heart to any of the men I slept with. But there’s something different about Leonard. And the thing is, he’s no fool. He knows I’m no angel. I’m not saying he knows everything about my sordid past, but he knows enough to want nothing to do with me. But that’s what’s crazy. He knows and he still wants me. He wants to be part of my life. And I think I’m going to let him. It’s time I open up my heart.”
“Don’t y’all feel better now?” Kacie said in a teasing type of voice. “We need to be sitting around the table chomping on cheesecake and ice cream.” They laughed into the phone.
The friends talked for another ten or fifteen minutes until Envy told them she had to hang up so she could go and check on Mrs. Rawlings. They each said goodbye and ended the call.
Envy walked to her bedroom’s walk-in closet. She used the step stool she kept inside the closet so she could reach the items on the top shelf. Envy went to her security box stacked with loads of documents and personal files and papers. She dialed the combination on the box until it opened. Envy shuffled through them until she found what she was looking for.
The articles were still neatly folded inside a plastic Ziploc bag where she’d placed them years ago. She removed the articles, then sat on the bed and began to read each of them. With each clipping, her sobs became harder and louder. Her chest heaved in and out like she was hyperventilating. Fischer stood next to her, looking like he didn’t know what to do. Envy fell down to her knees and cried out to God.
“Save me, Lord. Forgive me, God,” she repeated over and over again. She cried so hard until she started jerking. Fischer whined until Envy hugged him. “I’m all right, boy. Momma’s fine,” she said to Fischer. She removed her glasses and wiped her face of the tears.
Envy placed the security box back on the shelf, but left the articles and plastic bag on her bed. She took a hot shower, and after putting on a pair of shorts and shirt, she picked up the articles and with Fischer following her, she went to Mrs. Rawlings’s house to prepare her something to eat.
The next morning, Envy pulled out the crinkled news clippings. Without a word to Mrs. Rawlings, she left them next to her neighbor’s breakfast tray.
“I’m leaving now. I’ll call and check on you later, and I’ll see you after work. She kissed the old lady goodbye and left.
Mrs. Rawlings ate her oatmeal, her banana, and drank her cup of decaf coffee. She saw the yellowed paper. Her eyes had been dimmed by age, but nevertheless, she managed to read it.
Search Continues For Mother of Newborn Left in School Lavatory
Memphis, TN (Memphis Appeal, October 7, 1992) The dead body of an infant, said to have been only hours old, has been found under shocking circumstances. The baby’s lifeless body was discovere
d by a maintenance worker at Germantown High School. Police state the body appears to have been in the second floor bathroom toilet for as long as five to ten hours. Homicide Detective Monica Bell said the newborn girl was well developed and was more than likely full term. A post mortem examination of the newborn will be done to determine the cause of death.
“One of the major concerns now is to locate the mother of the infant,” states Bell. “We are concerned about her health physically and psychologically.” Detective Bell further states, “Everything is being done to locate the mother. We urge anyone who has information that will lead us to the mother to contact 555-TIPS. We are also pleading with the mother to contact police right away.
The Safe Haven Advocacy Group for Children has been contacted to work with police to help the mother once she has been located. The Safe Haven Advocacy group offers expectant mothers prenatal care, parenting classes, and various other programs about pregnancy and child care. Louis Strong, a representative of Safe Haven says, “There is an alternative other than what this mother chose. Investigators are awaiting results from the state crime lab to determine whether the baby was alive at the time of birth.”
Envy, though uneasy, called Mrs. Rawlings during the day to check on her. The home health aide answered the phone, then gave it to Mrs. Rawlings.”
“How are you feeling?” Envy asked.
“Honey, God is good to me. And if you’ll open up your heart and your spiritual eyes, you’ll see that He’s good to you too. I guess you know we have to talk, right?” Mrs. Rawlings stammered.
“Yes, I know.” I’ll see you later this afternoon. We’ll talk then,” Envy replied nervously.
The remainder of the day, Envy paced around anxiously. She went about with her day’s work, but her mind was glued the conversation she was going to have with Mrs. Rawlings later. It was the first time she had revealed her horrible secret to anyone.
The day couldn’t end soon enough for Envy. But as soon as it did, she jumped in the car. She stopped off at a restaurant and brought a dinner plate for Mrs. Rawlings.
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