Just watching.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” he whispers angrily. His hands have come up to cup my cheeks, almost as if he hasn’t noticed.
My body shivers at his touch.
“Fucking hell, Anna!”
The emotion in his eyes kills me. The raw pain etched in them looks so wrong on his usually stoic expression.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. This was all my fault, I never should have left.
“Let her be,” Rake demands, pulling me away from Arrow and lifting me into the back of the van. Tracker comes and sits next to me, and lets me put my head on his shoulder.
The ride home is silent, strained and tense. I can tell everyone is spitting mad at me, but they’re also relieved that I’m safe. I wonder which emotion will win out in the end. Considering their alpha-male tendencies, I am going to place my vote on anger.
I soon find out I am right.
Once we were safely inside the clubhouse, and the relief of my being safe wore off, the yelling began. It was no more than I deserved, but that didn’t mean I enjoyed it. I did, however, have to listen to them tell me exactly what I put them through, and how worried they were about me. I was so sorry, so damn sorry, and I told them as much. I know it didn’t make up for anything, but I wanted them to know that I had learned my lesson. This wasn’t a game. I always said I wasn’t a kid when Rake treated me like one, but today I’d acted like one.
I felt like utter shit.
“Why the hell would you just walk out when we told you that it wasn’t safe?” Rake asks, pacing up and down. “I think I lost ten years of my life! Christ, Anna! If something had happened to you . . .”
“I was fine,” I say for what feels like the tenth time. “I wasn’t hurt. I know I screwed up and I’m sorry, okay?”
I’d been so busy feeling hurt over Arrow that I acted without thought. I knew it was all on me. But right now I just want to go to bed. I need a good cry, but I don’t want anyone to witness it.
I look up to find Arrow staring at me, a lost look on his face.
“Who hit you?” I ask quietly, my voice subdued.
He looks at Rake, and my eyes widen.
“You hit him?” I ask Rake.
Fuck, I caused this. I didn’t think it was possible to feel worse, but I just proved myself wrong.
“He should have kept a better eye on you,” Rake says, rubbing his hands through his hair. “I need a fuckin’ drink, some weed, and a warm, willing woman.”
With that, he storms out. Looks like he’s not holding back from me anymore, that’s for damn sure.
“You were lucky this time, Anna,” Tracker says to me, softly, yet his gaze is full of disapproval. “You should have listened to us. I hope you learned your lesson this time and don’t try to do something so foolish again.”
Sin gives me a look that would frighten a lesser woman. “I’m so fuckin’ glad you’re not my sister.”
Well, ouch. That hurt. After seeing Rake’s face I think that Sin’s speaking the truth. My brother didn’t deserve to have to worry about me after I put myself in danger. Sin leaves after that, and I for one am grateful for his absence. My shoulders droop. Only one man left in the room.
I turn to him, giving him my full attention.
“I’m sorry Rake hit you because of me,” I tell Arrow, our eyes connected. “I don’t want to cause trouble between you guys, and trust me, I’ve learned my lesson.”
“Anna—”
I flash back to seeing him with Jill, and the hurt returns in full force. I might feel connected to Arrow, but nothing can come of it. After how I acted today I doubt he even wants me like that anymore. Jill is definitely an easier option for him.
“I guess we’re even now,” I say, forcing my lips to move.
I needed to sever the tie between the two of us.
Standing up, I move to leave the room when he finally speaks.
“How so?”
I shrug. “You hurt me and I got you hurt in return. We’re even in my book.”
“Anna—”
I ignore him and leave.
Then I’m finally alone, and I let the tears pour.
* * *
After crying until I had no tears left, and explaining and apologizing to Lana, I take a bath, taking my time soaking in the water. It turns out Lana came to pick me up and when I wasn’t there, she rang Tracker. How she had his number is something I plan on asking her the next time I see her. Tracker had called Arrow, and everyone panicked, knowing what they think they know about the Wild Men’s history and violence toward women. The men had worked quickly, wanting me back and worrying when Talon said he was keeping me overnight. All in all, I was exhausted. Being kidnapped and held hostage was damn exhausting, and I’d rather not do it ever again. I understand I was lucky, in the sense I wasn’t hurt or raped or tortured, but still, I’d been scared.
I’d wanted to go back to my apartment tonight but I was told no, to stay at least another two nights, and for once, I listened without complaint. I didn’t need to start any more trouble—that was for sure. When the bubbles disappear and my wine finished, I drag myself out of the bath and walk into my room wrapped in nothing but a towel. I come to a standstill at the sight of Arrow sitting on my bed, his head in his hands. This whole thing must have brought back memories of Mary, of her being hurt and his not being there to do anything about it. I feel for him, I do, but right now I’m kind of stuck on my own issues. I need to be selfish.
“Arrow—”
“Why did you leave, Anna?” he asks, lifting his head and watching me.
“I was angry,” I say. “I didn’t think I was in any actual danger; I mean, what were the chances? I was stupid, arrogant, and naïve.”
And I wish I could take it back.
“Why?” he demands, brown eyes flashing. “Why were you angry?”
Why was I angry? Was he seriously asking me that?
“Surely you aren’t that stupid, Arrow? You went from my bed to fucking Jill, from kissing me to being inside her. You may not have any feelings for me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t. I’m sick of you playing with me, so please, just leave and let me get some rest.”
I’m not at my best, my shields are down, my resilience tested, my will temporarily shattered.
I want to wake up to a new day and start fresh. I need time to regain my strength.
“So that’s why you left? Endangering yourself to, what, get back at me?” he asks, steel in his tone.
“No—”
“Well, it worked. I was fucking worried about you; if anything happened to you . . . For fuck’s sake, Anna, if you’re pissed you come to me and let me know. If we’re in private, say whatever you have to say, but you bring it to me. What you don’t do is walk off when we’re on a fuckin’ lockdown, scaring half the men to death. We protect what’s ours, Anna, and whether you like it or not, you are ours.”
I was happy to be theirs, but that didn’t mean I was perfect either.
I sit down on the bed and stare at the wall. “I messed up. I wasn’t thinking.”
“No, you weren’t,” he says with a grunt. “You should have known better.”
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m not used to this, but I know this is my brother’s world, and I love him enough to try better. I won’t fuck up again, okay?” I say, scared he is going to tell me to leave the clubhouse and never come back.
Arrow turns his head to me and scoots closer, gently wrapping me in his arms.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him. “But Talon isn’t a bad guy. At least I don’t think he is.”
His body stiffens. “Don’t even mention that fucker’s name to me. You were lucky, Anna, I need you to realize just how much. You could have been raped or fuckin’ tortured, do you hear me?”
I close my eyes. “I know.”
“I’m not telling you this to upset you,” he says, his tone turning gentle. “You just need to know that you lucked out this time. Talon didn’t hurt yo
u, and that’s why he’s breathing right now, but someone else might not act the same way. There’s a lot of evil out there in this world, Anna, and they’re just dying to suck the life out of something as beautiful and innocent as you.”
“I have to get dressed, Arrow,” I tell him. “We can talk in the morning.”
About anything except the two of us, of course.
He stands and I think he’s going to leave, but instead he picks up the nightie I’d laid out on my bed and kneels before me, sliding the cotton over my head and pulling it down. He removes the towel, letting it drop to the floor, but his eyes stay locked on mine as the material covers my naked body. I open my mouth to ask him what he’s doing when he pulls me into his arms and stands, pulls down the blanket and lays me down. Just like the other night, he lifts off his shirt and slides into the bed on the opposite side. He then reaches over and turns off my lamp, leaving the room in darkness.
“Sleep,” he says, wrapping me in his arms, my head leaning on his warm chest. “Let me hold you.”
Was the situation with me reminding him of what happened with Mary? It was the same MC after all; maybe this brought back bad memories, resurrected old demons.
“Okay, but, Arrow,” I whisper. “If I could bring Mary back to you, I would. I want you to know that.”
His body stiffens. “Why would you say that, Anna?”
He loved her. I would do anything for him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.
I shrug. “I thought maybe she would be on your mind after what happened. I really am sorry, you know. I don’t want you to hurt. You deserve to be happy, Arrow. I want you to be.”
Mary was perfect to him. How did one compete with that?
Simple—they didn’t.
I fall asleep before I can hear his reply.
THIRTEEN
I’M alone in the bed when I wake up, and although I feel a pang of disappointment I tell myself it’s for the best. I take my time getting dressed, brushing my hair slowly, even taking my time with my makeup—anything to avoid walking out there and facing everyone. I’m watching a video on how to do my hair in an intricate braid that would have taken me all day when Faye walks into my room without knocking.
I hold up my free hand. “I know, I know. I’m a selfish jerk.”
“Well, as long as you know it,” she replies with a smirk. “How are you feeling?” She sits next to me. “Turn around, I’ll braid your hair for you.”
I turn my back to her and tilt my head back, closing my eyes as she runs her fingers through my hair.
“You going to tell me what made you run yesterday? I thought we were having an okay time here.”
Guilt floods me. “I was pissed off about something.”
Or someone.
My excuse sounds more and more stupid each time I have to say it.
“Arrow,” she guesses, her hands stilling for a second.
“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing can come of us anyway, unless I want to start shit between him and Rake.”
And that was only one of the many issues standing in our way.
She pauses. “Is that the real reason?”
“One of them,” I say. “The other is that he clearly has issues he needs to work out. I think that he thinks I won’t be safe if I’m with him. But I’m already in deep with the MC; it wouldn’t make a difference. Maybe he feels like he can’t love anyone other than Mary? I honestly don’t know.”
She sighs heavily. “He’s worth the fight, you know. And fight is what you would have to do to get him to see things clearly.”
I let those words sink in.
“I don’t know if I’d make a good biker’s old lady.”
Faye scoffs behind me. “You should have seen me when I first came in here. I was a law student with my nose in the air, judging Dex’s every move until I finally got it. You’re a strong woman, Anna, and that’s all you need to be to be a biker’s woman. Keep your head up and just do you.”
“He slept with Jill!” I grit out, hating saying the words because that makes it real. “How could he do that to me knowing how much it would hurt me?”
“Says who?” Faye asks.
“I saw it.”
“You saw them boning?” she asks, her voice taking on a higher pitch.
I rub my forehead. “No, I saw her leaving his room and him naked inside the room. And of course she had to say something to rub it in.”
“Hmmmm,” she says. “You know, Arrow told her to get the fuck out of the clubhouse. After you left he lost it. Don’t even look inside the game room, because he smashed the shit out of it. I think he feels so much for you but doesn’t know what to do with it or how to handle it.”
He probably kicked her out because he felt guilty after sleeping in my bed, then going and fucking her.
And he should.
“Maybe I should just find a guy and have some hot, filthy sex and work out my frustrations, instead of chasing after a man who doesn’t want me,” I say.
“Faye, leave the room,” Arrow grits out, the fury in his tone notable.
We both jump and look to the door where he’s standing, half in, half out.
Faye had left the door open just an inch, so Arrow must have opened it without us hearing.
Well, this is awkward.
What’s the bet he came just in time to hear the last words out of my mouth?
Such is my luck.
“I haven’t finished doing her hair,” Faye complains.
“Faye—”
He isn’t amused.
“Okay, okay,” she murmurs, giving me a wide-eyed look before she leaves. Arrow slams the door behind her and turns the lock.
I gulp.
“Yes?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even. “What do you want, Arrow? How about another kiss from me so you get turned on enough to go and fuck another, easier woman?”
He looks around the room before meeting my eyes. “I didn’t fuck her, Anna.”
I pretend to not know what he’s talking about. I have to try and retain some of my pride. “Who?”
“Anna,” he says softly. “I came out of the shower and she was there, waiting. I sent her on her way. It wasn’t her I wanted, although it would be a hell of a lot easier if I did. And that was my second, extremely cold shower for the day, because I was so fuckin’ turned on but was trying to do the right thing by staying away from you. It wasn’t fuckin’ easy.”
“Oh,” I say, my mouth hanging open a little. “She said—”
“Doesn’t matter what she said; that’s the truth, all right? So don’t go around fuckin’ threatening to go fuck some other guy, because you don’t want to push me, Anna.”
“Arrow—”
“I’m not used to having to explain myself, Anna, and I don’t fuckin’ like having to do it now. You either have faith in me and trust me, or you don’t.”
It wasn’t that simple, was it?
My eyes narrow slightly. “We can’t do this, Arrow. You either want me or you don’t. You either take me or you don’t. I can’t do this back-and-forth shit.”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Why?”
“Why what?” I ask.
“Why the fuck do you have to be so beautiful that I can’t get you out of my head?”
“Oh,” I say again, blinking furiously. Did he really think that about me? Of course he did, Arrow didn’t say things he didn’t mean. Fuck, that compliment feels good. It is nice to know he wants me as much as I want him.
“Here’s something no one knows. Before I gave in and fucked Jill, I hadn’t been with anyone since Mary. Five years, Anna. I only fucked her to try to get you out of my head, and I fucking regret it. It should have been you. I don’t give a fuck about Jill. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”
He didn’t have sex for five years? Because of Mary?
“Why?” I ask.
He looks me straight in the eye. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anything. How is it fair that I caused
her death and now I get to be happy?” He stops and takes a breath. “I can’t go through something like that again. And with you . . . it’s worse, Anna. It’s fuckin’ worse.”
I speak in a soft, gentle tone. “I’m not going to end up like Mary, Arrow. And what happened to her wasn’t your fault. It could have been anyone that day.”
“Anna—”
“I know you loved Mary, but she would want you to be happy, Arrow,” I say, my eyes pleading with his to believe me.
“She would,” he replies, smiling sadly. “She was always so good, so perfect, you know? It was hard to live up to that. She was soft. She never disagreed with me; she never raised her voice. She wasn’t made for me.”
He pauses and takes a deep breath.
“But you, Anna? You’re my perfect match. You were made for me, because you not only take me as I am but make me want to be a better man at the same time. Because you challenge me and aren’t afraid to give me your opinion. You’re a fighter, Anna, and exactly what I want. I thought fucking Jill would take some of the want away, but it didn’t. I won’t be satisfied until I have you.”
“It should have been with me, not Jill, and I’m fucking pissed off that she took what’s mine.”
I seriously hated that bitch.
His eyes darken. “Fuck, hearing you talk like this . . .”
“What? What does it do to you, Arrow?” I demand.
He reaches down and adjusts himself. “I’ve never wanted to be inside someone more in my entire life.”
We stare at each other for a few tense moments. “Rake wants someone better for you—”
“Rake is going to have to deal,” I say, lifting my chin stubbornly. “You think I’d choose some overbearing criminal if I had the choice? You’re it for me, whether I like it or not.”
His lip twitches at that.
“I tried not to want you, Arrow, but these things don’t work like that,” I murmur softly. “It’s making me crazy. I’m overthinking everything, trying to understand it all, but really what it all comes down to is that I want you. More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.”
He smiles, walks over to the bed, sits down and pulls me on top of his lap. “I don’t know what this is with us. It’s making me crazy too. You’re a gift I didn’t expect and sure as hell don’t deserve.”
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