He abruptly stands, pulls me to my feet and places his hands on my shoulders. “Riley, stop blaming yourself, because I sure as hell don’t. Yes, it hurts. God, it hurts some days to not have her here, but never, and I mean never, have I wished for even a second that you were not in my life. You mean the world to me, Riley Shaw.”
His eyes are pleading with me to believe him. I don’t reply with words. I nod my head and try to keep the tears from falling.
He grabs my hand and places a soft kiss on my palm.
God, I love him. Why is life so cruel?
As we walk back to his truck I stop suddenly, which causes him to bump into me.
I turn around and find his eyebrow lifted in question. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t have a response. I had one. The words were just caught in my throat before.
“You mean the world to me too, Joshua Parker. I lov…I mean…I care about you so much.” I bite the inside of my cheek painfully as I realize my almost slip.
He stares at me for the longest moment with the strangest of expressions. I wonder if he caught that.
Shit!
He eventually smiles and interlaces our fingers. “C’mon, your mom is worried sick about you. If I don’t get you home soon, she is going to send out a search party.” He laughs trying to lighten the mood.
I hold onto his hand like he is my lifeline as I walk with him to his truck. If only everything was different, we could be together, like we were meant to be. I wish everything were different.
Once we’re in the truck, Josh asks the question that I’ve been asking myself all day. “Why is Dean not here with you, Riley?”
I look out the window as the world passes by in a blur. Dean isn’t with me today, because he isn’t with me anymore. When I turn my face to look at Josh, I want to tell him everything—that we broke up two days ago—that it hurt like hell, but I didn’t care like I should, because Dean wasn’t the one I loved anyway. Every decision for the past two years has become one giant mountain of doubt I can’t seem to escape.
I don’t say any of that, though. Instead, I lie.
“He had to work, but I’m sure he will stop by later.” He won’t.
Josh studies my face, and I’m sure he’s sensing the half lie or the withheld truth.
“M’kay…so wanna tell me what happened this morning to have your mom in such a state of panic that she thought you might catch a bus and disappear for good?” He grins, knowing my mom always thinks I’m on the verge of running away.
I’m too broken and weak to run away physically, however, emotionally I’ve been on the run since that day three years ago—maybe even before.
I sigh and laugh, although it’s not a laugh of humor.
“I ran off this morning after yelling at her for the longest time. I told her that I remembered every word, every fight and every reason why I hate them both.” I see that my words disappoint him, so I turn back to the window looking away. I hate disappointing him.
Today is one of those days where I do feel that hate for them. I hate that they had loved so little and fought so hard. I hate that my dad chose to drown his pain in a bottle, took his anger to the road, killing an innocent woman on her way home from her son’s sports banquet for football. A son that is my best friend and the very person I love with every fiber inside of me, changing our futures forever.
Josh takes a deep breath, and I know he is about to spill his words of wisdom. The same thing I have heard from him more than once. Forgive and forget. Let it go, Riley. Move on. All words that are easier said than done.
“Riley, you need to forgive them. I have. My family has. We can’t go back and change the decisions of that day. But if you keep living in the past, you can never move forward.”
I know he’s right. Deep down I do. They’ve ruined everything, though. His dad is without the love of his life. Josh and his sister are without their mom. They’ve stole happiness from them and because of that, I can never allow myself to have any happiness with him.
A bottle of booze, a car accident, and six feet of Earth on two important people had cemented my decision to never let myself have Josh. I didn’t deserve him. Maybe, I was punishing myself for my dad’s decision, but it’s what I had to do. Every time Josh looked at me, he would see what my dad had taken from him. It was too much.
I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to dream of a time when Josh and I could be together. Some of my sweetest memories are shared with him, yet looking back, even within those sweet memories there are bitter memories too, of a boy that was already plotting his invasion of my life.
4 YEARS PREVIOUS
According to the dictionary freshman means: fresh meat, a beginner, a novice, someone who is naïve, a first-try effort, or my own definition—the first time you’ll screw up because you are too foolish to know better.
“Earth to Riley. Did you hear me? I think I want to kiss Laiken.” Josh informed me.
I’d heard him fine. I’d just hated what I’d heard. Laiken was the first girl to look at Josh with hungry, curious eyes.
Since Josh and I had been best friends since kindergarten, he’d never seen me as a real girl. Besides, I was too scared to cross the line and lose my friend.
Josh was the quarterback on the JV football team, and Laiken was the head cheerleader on her JV squad. They were a match made in social heaven. I was a wallflower in the background looking in—but he saw me. He saw her too, though.
Josh and I were babysitting the brats, otherwise known as our little sisters. It was date night for our parents, which hardly ever happened, seeing as only one of those couples actually liked the other.
We were alone, which was not unusual. Even our parents saw us as innocent friends. If they only knew what I saw when I looked at him. How I craved him, then they might not have been as trusting.
I was busy making brownies. Baking was something I did when I was nervous and needed to keep my hands busy. Usually, I’d write in my journal, but Josh was there so...baking it was.
I was mixing like a mad woman. I felt like that. What was I supposed to say to his statement? My best friend—the boy I wanted to be mine—wanted to kiss another girl. Not just any kiss, it would be his first kiss. That’s a big deal, right?
I could say…“Good luck, hope you do it well,” or better yet I could say, “Hope it sucks, and she slobbers on you—maybe even bites you accidentally and scares you into never doing it again.” Who was I kidding? Biting his lip would only make her the best damn kisser ever in the freshman class. Ugh!
I felt his grin, but for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why he was grinning. None of what he said made me happy.
Stir, stir, stir.
Bastard.
I finally said, “I heard, Josh. I mean…I don’t know what you want me to say, or why you’re telling me this.”
“I’m telling you because what you think matters to me,” he threw out there.
Mix, mix, mix.
So, I told him the truth about what I thought about her...and him.
“Well, I think I don’t like Laiken. I think she flirts with all the boys in school. I think the fact that she has already kissed three other boys while y’all have been hanging out say’s something. I mean...she is so fake. She laughs at everything you say, and seriously, you’re not that funny. Well, I mean...you are funny, but not like all the time.” I rambled and realized I had said way too much.
He threw his head back and laughed.
God, I loved his laugh. It was the best sound.
“You’re adorable when you are like this.” He said grinning.
What was he even grinning about?
I poured the brownie mix into the pan, and bent over to place it in the oven. When I stood up, I noticed he was looking at my butt. I set the timer and ignored why he was doing that. I placed my hands on my hips and tilted my head.
“Like what exactly, Josh?”
He smirked like he knew something I didn’t and locked eyes w
ith mine.
“Like that. Like you’re jealous.” He gestured at my posture.
I grabbed the spoon covered in brownie mix and held it up in front of me like a gooey weapon.
“I’m not jealous, Josh.” I soooo was. “Why would I be?”
I licked the chocolate goodness from the spoon. Brownie mix was the best. He cleared his throat and swallowed hard.
His eyes narrowed and he asked, “I don’t know, Riley. Why would you be?” His eyes watched my mouth nervously lick the chocolate like he wanted a taste.
I rolled my eyes, “I’m not. If you want your first kiss to suck, then fine. It will, because Laiken isn’t the right girl for you. Go for it. Have fun.” Please don’t, I thought.
His eyes flicked between the spoon and my mouth. A sexy smirk crossed his lips like he suddenly had an idea I wasn’t privy to.
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you want some?” I asked, holding out the spoon for him.
His eyes were telling me something, giving me a clue. I dragged my tongue along my bottom lip, erasing any leftover batter. He nodded but didn’t move. I went to pull the spoon back to my mouth, but he grabbed my wrist, holding the spoon hostage between us.
My mouth formed an O as he slowly licked a trail up the spoon…damn lucky spoon, I thought. I couldn’t help but watch his mouth the entire time.
“Hmm,” he moaned like he thought it was delicious. I thought his lips probably tasted delicious, too. Chocolate and Josh would be the best mixture of sweet. All these thoughts about Josh like that took me by surprise, but I couldn’t help it. Something in me was changing. Shifting.
The air changed. He didn’t let go of my wrist. He watched my eyes watch his mouth, and damn if he didn’t wickedly grin at me. He pushed up close to me—so close, in fact, that his chest meshed with mine, and I suddenly forgot how to breathe.
“Um, what are you doing, Josh?” I whispered breathlessly.
He smiled, “Shhh…it’s okay. You just have a little chocolate right there.”
“Where?” I asked, embarrassed, but then he lowered his head and…oh hell.
He moved the spoon back to the bowl as he leaned in, and his tongue softly licked a spot by the corner of my mouth. I couldn’t help but shut my eyes and softly moan. My body fell limp against the counter. I braced my hands on the edge just to keep my balance.
It wasn’t until I felt the loss of his warmth that I knew he had stepped back. When I slowly opened my eyes, I found him watching me. My lips were parted, wishing for his tongue to enter my mouth.
I puffed out the breath I wasn’t completely aware that I had been holding. He was studying my face with a satisfied look.
“I got it.” He smiled crookedly, “So, about that first kiss...I could think of a way to make it not suck.” Oh, I could too. I so could picture lots of ways.
I looked away from him, feeling the blush creep up to my cheeks as the image in my mind blazed.
“How is that?”
He stepped back into my space and gently tugged my chin to him, forcing me to meet his gaze. I was so trapped in his beautiful hazel eyes that I didn’t notice him reaching into the brownie bowl and dragging his fingers all through the chocolate.
He laughed, stepped back tapping my nose with a chocolate covered finger and said, “Gotcha.”
I squealed, “Oh, my God. You are so dead, Joshua Parker.”
I reached in and coated my own fingers in chocolate. I began to chase him around the island as my heart was fluttering wildly. I wiped my hand along his cheek when I caught him and laughed hysterically.
He grabbed my hand before I could run away. My heart was racing. My breathing was fast, and I knew he was up to no good by the sinful little twinkle that danced in his hazel eyes. No good at all. My laughter fizzled out as something else took its place. Something unfamiliar, yet wanted so badly.
He took my messy hand, placed my index finger into his mouth, and began sucking the chocolate clean. I felt dizzy. I could feel his tongue swirl around my finger, and something in my belly clenched tight.
I stumbled back, hitting something hard. He let my finger go with a pop, and we stared at each other for the longest time. Not moving, just breathing.
He tucked a curl behind my ear. “That was fun.” He smirked, and my toes curled. Did he not see how he affected me? What the hell was that?
“I um…yeah…I should get a napkin.” I knew it was such a stupid thing to say. I should get a napkin. No, I should attack your face and lick it clean, that’s what I should do.
I moved around him to wet a paper towel in the sink. He didn’t move. He just watched me with an unreadable expression. Amusement maybe? Curiosity?
I reached up on my tippy toes, and started dabbing away the chocolate mess I had coated his cheek with. He was motionless with the exception of the way his chest was rising and falling.
“All clean,” I said as I softly smiled.
He grinned, took the napkin from my hand, and began to gently wipe the chocolate off of my nose. Once he was done, he placed his hands on both sides of me, caging me in between his hard chest and the kitchen counter.
“I want to kiss you,” he blurted out. Wait! What?
“I thought you wanted to kiss, Laiken?” Stupid Riley. Stupid, stupid Riley, I thought again. I just couldn’t shut up.
He shook his head back and forth. “Nah, you were right. She isn’t the right girl. There is only one solution to making my first kiss not suck, and that’s if you let me kiss you.”
His eyes never left mine. I wanted to kiss him. But the truth was that Josh seemed to not really know what he wanted lately. I wondered if I kissed him, would it mean Laiken no longer existed?
“Stop over thinking it, Riley. Can I kiss you?” He asked permission again—knowing me so well. I was over thinking it.
I nodded, “Okay.”
“Okay?” His breath feathered across my lips as I nodded again.
I trembled in anticipation as he lowered his mouth to mine.
A gentle, soft, sweet peck at first was what he placed on my lips. As my hands reached up around his neck to pull him closer to me, I tangled his dirty blond hair in my fingers. He groaned deep in his throat, and I liked the sound. His tongue teased my lips, opening them and allowing him to deepen the kiss.
I was nervous. What if I did it wrong? What if my kiss sucked and kissing Laiken would be better? ‘What if’s’ filled my head as my body hummed. I willed myself to shut up, parted my lips allowing him in, and it was like our mouths were made for each other. Fireworks were exploding in my head, and electricity shot through my veins. My tongue began to dance with his, and I never wanted it to stop. He tasted delicious.
It did stop though. Definitely not saved by the bell.
The doorbell rang, causing us to jump apart. We were panting heavily and staring at one another in shock. It had ended way too quickly for my liking. I felt on fire—tingling in a way I wasn’t used to.
“Riley, Dean’s at the front door.” Tatum shouted loudly from the living room.
Josh raised his eyebrows at me, probably just as curious as I was about why he would be ringing my doorbell. Dean was a pain in my ass, but a friend nonetheless.
I struggled to slow my breaths. However, Josh had completely composed himself as though he was completely unaffected. Like nothing amazing just happened.
He left the kitchen and walked to the living room to open the front door. I followed in a cloud of confusion.
“Oh. Hey, Josh. What are you doing here? Is, um, Riley here?” Dean tripped over his words. He was always a little weird about Josh and me being so close, and he was more than tickled pink about Josh potentially dating Laiken.
“Yeah, man. She’s right there. We’re just babysitting the brats,” he joked and pointed at me over his shoulder. I was still frozen in a state of ‘what the hell?’
I walked into the living room. My mind felt like it was on overdrive. Something life changing had just happened to me, and Josh
seemed like he’d already forgotten it. I saw it briefly in his eyes when I looked at him. A feeling he wanted me to see, but it was gone in a blink of an eye—the softness turning cold.
I looked at Dean, and I knew he saw it too. Something unspoken had been shared between Josh and me. Dean’s eyes darted between us both uneasily.
Josh said, “He’s here for you,” in a flat tone that I didn’t understand. I nodded, words escaping me.
He did the guy nod to Dean, “She’s all yours man,” he told him. I was at a loss at what had just happened. Why had his mood suddenly crashed and burned? I wondered what he meant by that.
Josh seemed mad at me, and I didn’t understand any of it at all. He pulled out his phone, and with all the power to hurt me with words he did just that. “I’ll be in the kitchen. I forgot to call Laiken back.”
Just a sliver of my heart fell apart that day. He had just kissed me senseless, and he was going to call her? What meant the world to me—had meant nothing to him? It hurt like a bitch.
I watched Josh walk to the kitchen. My mouth was wide open in shock.
Dean spoke to my back, completely dense to what he had just done. “I’m sorry to just stop by. I need to talk to you about something. Can you come outside?” He shifted uncomfortably with his eyes tracked to the path to the kitchen, as well.
I turned my eyes back to him and blinked a few times. I felt like I was going to cry. Josh had just kissed me, and it felt for me like the Earth moved. But then he was in the kitchen on the phone with Laiken, probably planning how he would kiss her next. Maybe that kiss would be—the thought died there. I nodded, and followed Dean outside wishing he would just go away and leave me alone.
We sat on the stairs of my porch. “What’s up, Dean?” my voice cracked.
“Emily broke up with me.”
“What? Why?” I asked.
He looked at my face and sighed, “Because she knows I like someone else, and she kinda likes Brad now anyway.”
He shrugged like it was no big deal. I looked at him, but the right words were not there. Dean and I were friends but why would I care that he and Emily were calling it quits?
Escape the Doubt Page 2
