Adding fuel to the fire of this rumor…a week of mishaps, wrong interpretations of situations, and another week of coal to the flickering flame—the misunderstanding is now a roaring flame of bullshit.
Well, let’s see, last Monday...Preslee stopped me in the hall and told me in front of everyone that she had a great time at Collin’s party. What the fuck? Yep, that’s what I thought too. If I remember correctly, she got bored trying and failed to maintain my attention. I brushed her off, and she got off with the dickhead upstairs. She does know that she fucked Dean, right? That is what I asked her later when she was waiting at my truck after school. She said, “Oh that. That didn’t mean anything really, just fun, now you that’s a different story.” It was beyond ridiculous. She just didn’t get it.
Then this Wednesday, Collin told me that Riley and Emily overheard Preslee tell a few of the cheerleaders that I was taking her out on Valentine’s, and she had pink lace picked out to surprise me. Collin had the nerve to congratulate me. So not only was Riley not in-the-know that her asshole boyfriend did-the-dirty with Preslee, she thought I was the one doing it. Could it get any worse you ask? Yes, yes it can.
Today, Friday, Valentine’s Day...Preslee is waiting for me at the tree Riley and I always eat lunch under. It’s our spot—Riley’s and mine—and Preslee is tainting it with her temptation. She is wearing my varsity hoodie, resting her body against the tree trunk. She seriously thinks she is seductive. Most guys would find her just that, except I’m not like most guys. I see Collin and Dean off to the side watching this all unfold, and my stomach is in knots because I don’t know how to stop any of it without giving away my secret.
I lean in real close to her face not wanting to embarrass her by the things I am going to say. “Where did you get my sweatshirt, Preslee?” I ask, touching my hoodie.
She smiles innocently and sniffs the sleeve. “Aww…don’t be mad, Joshie. I just like your smell all over me,” she purrs emphasizing her words.
Shit. “Preslee, this needs to stop. I’m not interested in you like that.”
She looks to the door of the cafeteria and smirks. I don’t take my eyes off of her. She places her hand on my chest, and I cringe on the inside. “Listen. Josh, I like you like that. I get what I want, and I want you. Tonight, when we go out, I promise you will want me to. Just ask Dean over there how good I am or Collin for that matter.”
My stomach is in knots. My throat is tight, and I don’t know how to get this girl to back off. She is screwing everything up, and at the same time her words are fucking with my head. “Yeah, well...I already have plans, Preslee.” I lie.
“Those plans involve me naked, right?” she asks, biting her bottom lip. C’mon, I am a freaking guy, a guy who hasn’t ever had sex—just the word naked stirs an emotion. Ah hell!
And to top off the worst week ever, Riley makes an appearance with the perfect fucking timing in the world.
I see it in Preslee’s eyes...the challenge, and the recognition that Riley means something to me. I see it in Riley’s eyes...the sadness, and the jealousy. And then I see the satisfaction in Dean’s eyes, and the worry in Collin’s eyes. All that’s missing is Emily’s disappointing eyes. Perfect freaking day, I wanted to shoot myself right where I stood. I wondered what my eyes said. Probably fuck it all.
CHAPTER 8
The one time I am single and finally ready to open up to Josh, he isn’t available. Preslee has been a constant sour taste in my mouth for a while now. I knew Josh took her to the movies. I knew they made out at one of Collin’s wonderful parties a while back. I was there with Dean to witness it. However, this is just going on way too long to not affect me. Josh doesn’t do a few weeks, never has. Therefore, I have worked it out in my mind that she is his girlfriend. And—in walks jealousy. She is an evil bitch.
I have the worst case of the green-eyed monster when I walk outside to the tree in front of the cafeteria where Josh and I have always met for lunch since we were freshman. Lo and behold, I find him with Preslee. Even when Dean and I were dating, I ate lunch with Josh and Emily by that tree. Dean stayed inside with his friends. That is just how it was. Where is Emily? Hmmm…
Preslee. That bitch.
Why is she his new flavor anyway? Besides the obvious fact that she is 5’6—very blonde, has legs for days—pouty lips—bigger boobs, and is a very easy piece of work that I hate. She is opposite of my 5’2 petite figure, my average olive skin, my average dark hair with unruly wavy curls, and my strange indecisive eye color of blue and green. Oh, and the fact that she opens her legs when she smells a man. And I—well...nope —I’m not that girl. I can’t even go there with a boy I’ve dated for two years.
So that is what Josh likes? Ugh. That thought is a major downer.
Something is different about her and him, and it niggled at me in the worst way. I worried Josh would meet someone and replace me in his life next year when he went to college. But seeing him do that very thing now, while my life is spiraling out of control, yet leading me right to him, has me feeling sick.
Preslee is leaning against the tree, looking as cute as ever in her jeans and Josh’s varsity hoodie. He is standing very close to her. His left hand on the tree trunk, her head tilted and rested on his arm, entranced by whatever he is telling her. I stand there a few feet away frozen and watching with envy. With his free hand, he touched the hoodie near her face. She looked like she would drop on her knees right there if he had asked her to, and he was equally caught in her spell. I hated the looks they shared with each other. Intense. Serious.
My stomach is making weird somersaults, and my heart is beating way too fast. Every time I see Josh with Preslee lately I feel this sudden urge of panic. It was happening more lately, especially since I’ve been overhearing things people are saying about them. When she bragged about her pink lace lingerie she was going to surprise him with tonight, I thought I was going to die. I never used to let my jealousy bother me so much, but things are changing. I am changing.
Even when I saw her and him together a few weekends ago at one Collin’s many parties—one I was actually invited to because I was with Dean then—I didn’t even react this way. I didn’t like seeing it. I never have, but I couldn’t claim him. He would hang out a time or two with girls and move on. I didn’t let myself think further into what they were doing together. I just told myself they were time fillers. They didn’t mean anything to him, and he changed his mind so quickly that it never seemed personal or mean to much to him. Even that gave me a trickle of fear of ever being with him myself, if I let myself go there that is. I worried he would be the same with me—get bored, move on.
At Collin’s party, I saw Josh and Preslee kissing in the hall, and I hated it. I hated it even more when she pulled him into the bathroom with her.
“Why are you such a man whore, Josh? You know you can do better than Preslee? Didn’t she hook up with Collin last week?” I asked him, after he came out of the bathroom with her, and she was out of earshot.
He laughed at me. “We didn’t hook up, Shaw. She just did me a favor.” I gagged, and he shrugged like it was no big thing. “What? She offered, and I accepted. Is that a crime?” He smirked. Granted, Josh was a little tipsy, but still it grossed me out.
“You’re a pig, Josh. I don’t want to hear that”
“You asked, I told you. Besides, I’m not a man whore as you called it. I’m just bored and having fun.”
Some random guy heard him as he walked by, and fist bumped him.
Guys.are.pigs, I thought.
All of a sudden, Josh tilted his head to the side, and hummed like he had a sudden idea. He tapped my nose with his index finger. “We could have fun together, ya know? And then I wouldn’t need these distractions anymore,” he said, gesturing to the other girls at the party and nibbling on his lip.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, ok, you’re drunk,” I said sarcastically. “Distraction from what exactly?”
He leaned in close to my ear, tucking my hair b
ehind my ear, that single touch had me covered in goosebumps. His breathe in my ear caused me to shiver as he whispered low and husky, “From my fantasies of you.”
I think I may have, “Aahhh’ed,” and when he leaned back to look into my eyes, I swore he was going to kiss me. His eyes flicked to my lips like he was thinking about it.
I began to panic, realizing I wanted him to, but knowing I was at a party full of people, one of which was my boyfriend. Realizing I hadn’t seen him in a while, I also wondered where he was.
My thoughts of a MIA Dean dissipated when Josh grabbed my wrist and brought it to his lips, never breaking eye contact. He left his mouth there briefly, feeling my pulse thump wildly, I imagined.
He grinned wickedly, before softly placing a kiss on my wrist and letting my hand fall away. “I’m kidding, Riley. You can calm down now. We didn’t do anything in there but kiss. I was joking with you, but I’ve said it before, you are absolutely adorable when you are jealous.” He walked away laughing.
I shake my head to rid my thoughts of the night I knew his mouth was on hers but wishing it was on mine. Josh must have felt my gaze on him because he turns his head in my direction and smiles beautifully, that dimple on his right cheek making me melt. It lights up and then flickers out, being replaced by an uncomfortable, nervous tick that I have come to know. He rubs behind his neck and straightens his body.
I don’t miss the rolling eyes and look of aggravation I am getting from Preslee. She doesn’t like me, and the feeling is mutual. Her eyes flick away from me to a spot behind me where I notice Dean and Collin staring in their direction too. She frowns for a moment but then focuses her attention back on Josh.
He crooks his finger at me to come to him, and his eyes warm as they meet mine. My heart that was beating so fast just moments earlier has suddenly stopped beating altogether. Could a person have a heart attack at seventeen? I feared this boy would be the death of me. Not wanting to act freaked out...he is my best friend after all—I willed my feet to move.
“Hey guys,” I say cheerfully as I walk to our spot by the tree. That’s right…it’s our spot bitch, now move the fuck on. Preslee just looks at me with disgust. I am interrupting her moment, by his invitation.
“Until tonight, Joshie,” she says to him.
I want to gag. Joshie? Gah, could she be more annoying?
Apparently, she can be downright spiteful. With mischief and demand in her eyes, she grabs his face and shoves her tongue in his mouth. He stiffens but slowly relaxes into their kiss. Kissing her back.
I die a thousand times in that moment.
I turn over my shoulder to see if Dean and Collin are still watching, which they are. Collin with a knowing smirk, Dean looks pissed, before he walks away and goes back inside. Strange. What reason would he have to be pissed?
She releases his lips with a pop and glares at me knowingly. Josh looks shocked. He darts his eyes between Preslee and me a few times, as though he is pondering over a thought. Comparing us? Fuck!
He looks over my shoulder at someone, and then he leans into her ear, saying something that causes her to blush. He presses a kiss to her cheek as she smiles, and I have to force my breathing to slow—force the bile from rising. It is torture.
He sits down on the grass and pats the spot next to him. I watch Preslee walk away for a brief second before sitting next to him criss-cross and pulling my grapes out of my backpack. He kisses my forehead like he always does and stretches his legs out in front of him. All normal.
He looks so hot today, wearing dark jeans, a green polo that makes the emerald flecks in his hazel eyes pop. He runs his hand through his hair and grins at me checking him out.
He looks at me with a raised brow, “You okay? You looked like you were ready to claw her eyes out. What was that?” He asks, gesturing between Preslee walking away and I.
“No clue, Preslee just marked her territory, I guess. She practically peed on your leg.” I laugh, but I was not amused. “But yeah—I’m good. Why wouldn’t I be?” I lifted my shoulders and tried to act unaffected.
He studies my face for a moment, looking for something, and I let him. Looking at him through my lashes, wishing he could read the things I couldn’t say.
He sighs. “To clarify, I’m not her territory. Something is bothering you. Your beautiful eyes seem lost. Anything you want to talk about? Maybe about Dean?” He asked me like he already knew something, and he wanted me to tell him about it.
I don’t want to talk about Dean. It’s been a few weeks, a long week in the present. Dean has called, has texted, and has done everything to say he is sorry and inform me that he just went on a date—nothing more—begging me to try again, I just don’t have the energy to fight with him—so I ignore him.
Both Emily and Josh confirmed that Dean was at Collin’s with another girl, no clue who, no clue if he was just hanging out with her and telling me the truth or if it were more than that.
Beautiful eyes? Did he call my eyes beautiful just now? I held his gaze, but had to look away before my brain to mouth filter malfunctioned. I couldn’t help the small grin that crept to my face thinking he thought my eyes were beautiful, though.
“I’m good, Josh. Really. Dean and I aren’t together, and I don’t want to talk about it just yet. Okay?” I look back at him and smile softly. He smiles back and nods.
He pats his leg and pulls me back to lay my head on his lap. “Do you remember when we were little, how you used to always wear that Tinker Bell costume?” he asks me out of the blue.
My eyes dart to his, a little shocked that he remembers that, or why he is bringing it up now. “Yes, I do. My dad used to call me his little Tinker Bell, and you even nicknamed me...”
“Tink,” he finishes. “I miss those kids. We were so funny together. You playing hot wheels with me in that costume.”
“I still have one of those hot wheels,” I tell him, hoping he doesn’t think it’s creepy. “You gave me a lime green one on my fifth birthday because you thought it was my favorite color since I always wore that green costume.”
His eyes lock with mine as he begins running his fingers through my hair with one of his hands. My black shirt has risen up exposing a sliver of skin on my stomach. I’m wearing a frayed blue jean mini skirt with leggings and combat boots.
I don’t even think he realizes he is doing it, but his finger is brushing across the exposed skin leaving a tingling sensation in its wake. He’s tracing the heart tattoo on my hip, and I am inwardly coming undone. I have to cross my ankles and squeeze my thighs. I don’t think he will ever realize what his touch, even so small, does to me.
I couldn’t help but shut my eyes, and consume the comfort only he could give me. A soft moan escapes me on accident.
I felt his breathing pick up just slightly and his motions still. When I open my eyes, I find him staring at my face. I can’t look away, and neither can he it seems. I’m curious when he swallows hard. My eyes are drawn to his Adams apple, and I notice his jaw twitches—it’s so hot. I’m holding my breath when he glances briefly at my lips before he looks away, continuing his tender touch and twirling of my hair.
Looking up at my best friend, I wonder if maybe he feels the same way I do secretly, and if I should just throw caution to the wind and tell him that I want to try something with him.
I am so confused as to what to do. We have always had moments—many moments—where things went unsaid but our eyes told a different story. We both stood on the edge of friendship—and something more—but never crossing over.
He looks down at me, his once smoldering eyes now composed. “You never told me what made you decide to get that tattoo over the Tink one,” he says out of the blue.
Josh’s eighteenth birthday was last month, and he decided he wanted to get a tattoo. A black guitar for the passion he has in music. A passion stemmed from his mom. The guitar is wrapped in roses and thorns, three to be exact. The roses are gorgeous and all different shades of colors. On one, the tip
s of the pedals are reddish, and they fade to black. I asked him why he chose different shades for each, and he said, ‘roses are deep rooted in symbolism.’ He explained how each rose color holds a different meaning, red meaning love, beauty, courage and respect. That specific rose represents his mom. It faded to black because she passed. The second rose was soft pink. It represented youthfulness, grace and gentleness, for his sister. The third rose he never explained, he just smiled and said that was ‘a secret.’ It was yellow, coral, and the tips were the darkest red. Honestly, it was my favorite. The colors blended in a way that stole my breath at its beauty. I need to remind myself to Google its meaning one day.
I remember the cute little Tink one I was looking at, but I didn’t realize he noticed me looking at it—that he’d paid that close of attention.
I lost a bet and promised Josh I would get one too. I almost got the cute little fairy. It would have been special for me. A childhood reminder of my dad as well as a sweet memory I held with Josh. I opted for a different one, though. I wanted something that meant something to me, even if it was deep rooted in sadness. I chose a black heart surrounding a treble clef, connected together by a bass clef. I loved it. It was dainty, small, and delicate—just like my own black heart. It represented the music between Josh and me—a song that could never be played and died before it could.
I smile sadly at Josh. “It’s simple. I love music. I love writing it, I love listening to you sing it, and I love—,” OH, MY GOD! I almost told him I loved him—again. Seriously, I need to work on my brain to mouth filter. “I love the tattoo, I mean.”
He was smiling so wide, missing the sadness in my eyes that didn’t match the happy words I spoke. “You like my singing?” he asks.
I twiddled with my hair and bit my bottom lip, “M’hmm, I like when you play too,” I admit. Why couldn’t I shut up? Good grief.
He grins a crooked grin and nods, “Good to know,” he says touching his own tattoo on his upper arm.
Escape the Doubt Page 6
