“What was stupid?” she scrunches her face in confusion.
I sigh and in a small voice I whisper, “Falling in love with my best friend.”
Tatum feels my forehead all dramatic like. “Are you crazy, Riley? It wasn’t stupid, and it wasn’t something you could’ve stopped from happening either. It was meant to be. He’s your soul mate. Face it, you will never love anyone the way you love Josh.”
“I agree with Tot.” Emily interjects, coming back in my room.
Awesome. But she was right.
I will never love anyone the way I love Josh.
CHAPTER 29
And like the snake he is, I see him slither in holding out that apple for her to taste, and vulnerable as she is…she does!
Days are blurring into each other. Before I know it, a month goes by and then another. Soon it will all come to an end, and I fear it will be without my best friend. I’ve lost her.
I walk out of the door of the school to a sight I wasn’t expecting at all. Riley is sitting there on a bench and beside her is Dean? He is holding her hand, and her head is tilted on his shoulder. I guess I shouldn’t be completely shocked. They do have a two-year history, and she isn’t aware of the monster he is underneath that fake exterior.
I could tell her. I could blast it right now. But what would it matter? She doesn’t believe anything I say. It’s too late to go back and change that now. Her eyes meet mine as I walk past.
She lifts her head promptly and sighs when I look between them. I keep on walking without saying a word.
I’m sitting in my truck in the parking lot, just watching like a caged animal ready to strike. This is the worst kind of pain imaginable, but I can’t look away.
I jump when someone taps on my window. I look over to the window and it’s Emily.
“Watcha looking at, Josh?” she asks like she hasn’t been ignoring me for weeks.
I nod my head in the direction of the love I lost, and watch as Riley hugs Dean. I’m coming undone.
“Oh!”
“I just don’t get it. Why is she even talking to him? She won’t speak to me but she will him?” I ask out loud, not really to Emily, but just out loud.
“Can I get in? It’s kinda hot out here,” she says.
I look at her confused, but I figure maybe she is ready to explain the pieces of this puzzle I must be missing.
I pop the lock, and she walks over, hopping into my truck. She doesn’t say anything at first.
“I don’t think it’s what it looks like. Trust me. She can’t stand Dean after the things I told her months ago.” Emily explains.
“Is that so? I assume you told her he cheated then?” I ask her and she nods.
“Yeah, she feels betrayed, but that wasn’t the biggest shocker for her.” She admits, and I don’t know how she found out, but I assume she has.
“So, she knows about the baby?” I ask. Emily makes a strange expression. Although, I’m starting to question that truth myself. Preslee isn’t showing any signs of being pregnant.
Emily makes a sound in her throat, “Yeah, she does.”
“Then...why the hell is she sitting there with him all cozy? Isn’t she pissed that he lied to her?” Something just isn’t adding up to me.
Emily looks confused, “Josh, what do you expect for her to do? Yeah, she is fucking pissed at him for lying, but I think she is more heartbroken at the fact that you lied to her.”
I look at her shocked and confused, “I never lied to her. I have been telling her the truth over and over, but she won’t listen to me. He is the liar.” I point out the front windshield at the devil in disguise. What are these girls not understanding about this? My story has never changed, because it’s not a damn story.
“Josh, c’mon? We heard Preslee tell Laiken about the baby.”
“So?”
“Are you kidding me? What do you mean...so? You did lie to her, Josh. We know Preslee is pregnant with your baby.”
Wait! What?
“What the fuck? What? Oh no, no! What are you talking about, Em?” Ah, hell no.
“Riley and I overheard Preslee tell Laiken about the baby. Your baby.” She speaks cautiously and is looking nervously at me.
“FUCK!” I shout and hit the steering wheel. I look over at Emily as she has her hand on the door like she is ready to bolt. “I NEVER touched her.” I shout. “I have tried and tried to get her to leave me alone, and she is just always there like a disease without a cure. That baby isn’t mine, if there is even a baby. And if there is, it’s Dean’s. She told me herself…the night she came over and ruined everything. She told me she was pregnant with Dean’s baby.” I soften my voice because I can tell I am frightening her. I am frightening myself.
Emily’s cogs are turning. I can see her dithering in what I’ve just said. “Dean’s?” she says like it’s a question but could be a possibility.
I bob my head up and down, “Yes. Dean knocked her up. I’ve never even fucked her.” I say a little bit harsher than I intended.
I see it the minute she believes me. “Holy shit. Josh, Riley thinks that baby is yours.” She yells and slaps her hand to the dashboard looking over at me.
When I look back out to where Dean and Riley were just standing together, I see nothing. They are gone. I had the sickest twisted knot in my stomach.
“I have to go,” I tell Emily. She nods and apologizes, but then gets out.
I’m not taking no for an answer this time. Riley will speak to me.
“Please, Ms. Claudia. I need to talk to her. She is misunderstood about something. I need to explain to her before it’s too late. I need to fix this.” I beg.
“Josh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” She says hesitant to let me in.
“Please, I’m begging you. Please, let me talk to her.” Her eyes soften and she sighs.
“She’s in the shower right now. You can wait in her room. Look, I need to run an errand and Tatum is at your house with Joey. Josh, I swear to God, if I come back and my daughter is more broken up than she is now—she pauses a long time— just don’t make me regret this. Okay? She finally seems more peaceful. You know?”
I don’t know. She is crawling back to Dean, nothing about that will be peaceful for her.
“I won’t. I’m sorry. I just…thank you.” I tell her.
I understand why she pushed me away, I just don’t agree with her. Never one to walk away from a challenge, I made the decision for us both. She was mine, and I sure as hell belonged to her.
I sit in Riley’s room on her bed—remembering that night, and remembering the nights before that. I’m in a state of silent reminiscent as memories of her flood my brain. Her coconut, almond, vanilla scent is all over this room and enticing me. Her dark poetry scattered around. I notice a page with words that rip me to shreds. This one was new.
AWAKENING
NO ONE LISTENS, NO ONE HEARS ME
I’M SPEAKING, I’M SCREAMING EMPTY WORDS
INVISIBLE BREATHS OF FRUSTRATION
CLOSED IN SAFE WITHIN MY OWN SKIN
INSIDE THESE SAME FOUR WALLS AGAIN
IN DESPERATE NEED OF AN ESCAPE
IN SEARCH OF SOMEWHERE TO HIDE
SOMEWHERE TO RECREATE
A LIFE I LOVE, A LIFE I HATE
WHY CAN’T YOU EVER HEAR ME?
I’M CRYING OUT
I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE
LOST IN THE CROWD
FEELING CLAUSTROPHOBIC AND SHUT AWAY
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HURT ME THAT WAY?
YOU WERE SO WRONG
YET, OH SO RIGHT
YOU LEFT THERE ALONE THAT NIGHT
I OPENED UP, ONLY TO BE BETRAYED
THE COLORS ARE LONG GONE
I’M STUCK IN THE GREY
I POURED OUT MY SOUL TO YOU
ALL I WANTED WAS TO JUST BE WITH YOU
MY TEARS HAVE DRAINED ME INTO DEHYDRATION
NOTHING IS SIMPLE, HELD BACK BY COMPLICATIONS
I CLO
SED MY EYES TO A DREAM
WHERE I WAS SUCH A FOOL
HOW US IT THAT I NEVER MATTERED TO YOU?
AWAKENING, ONLY TO BE BROKEN BY REALITY
OUR SONG IS DEAD, BLACK AND BLEEDING
I LOVE YOU!
EVEN BROKEN, I STILL DO
THOUGH, I WISH IT WERE A LIE
IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO REMOVE YOU FROM MY MIND
IN TIME ALL OF THIS WILL DIE
AND I WILL NO LONGER HAVE TO TRY
CHAPTER 30
Waving the white flag doesn’t mean I have forgotten, or even moved past it. It just means...I’m too weak to do anything else about it.
At school Dean approaches me sitting on the bench.
“You look so sad, Riley.” He says.
I shrugged, “Well, I am.” I reply truthfully.
He sighs—probably thinking vainly that it was all about him, his ego getting a boost from my evident pain.
“We have been friends for a long time, Riley…even before we became more. We were friends. Ya know? I miss you.” He tells me as he sits down and grabs my hand.
I inwardly cringe and recoil away from him. However, outwardly—I do nothing. “I know,” I say.
I don’t miss him. I don’t need him. In fact, I resent him. So why is it that I rest my head on his shoulder? I’m asking myself that same thing as I stand in my shower. Replaying that thought and the image I saw on Josh’s face when he walked by—looking at us—as though something was there between us. There wasn’t.
I miss you, Josh.
I decide after my shower to toil without respite. I wrap myself in a towel and walk across the hall to my bedroom. I have my head cast down, flipping through the playlist on my iPod settling on, Wish you were here by Incubus. I kick the door closed with my foot and walk into my closet.
“We need to talk,” a voice says from my bed. I jump, dropping my iPod on the floor and nearly losing the towel covering me, as well. I step out of my closet, stand in the middle of my room, and narrow my eyes at my best friend. Ex-best friend? Preslee’s baby daddy? Ugh!
“Damn it, Josh. You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing here?” He drags his eyes lazily up and down my body before narrowing them on my face.
“I just told you. We need to talk. You won’t answer your fucking phone, or return my calls, or talk to me at school. So, here I am,” he says dryly.
“Um, if you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of naked here. I, uh, can you like shut your eyes so I can put my clothes on? Then we can talk?” I ask him feigning exasperation, when actually I’m feeling flushed and nervous as hell. I’ve missed him, his nearness, his voice and those eyes.
The way he is looking at me—it’s so intense. I can’t help but feel affected.
He stands, and walks toward me. For every step he takes, I take one away, until my back is pressed to my shut bedroom door. He is standing so close to me that I can feel his breath whisper along my cheek. He puts his hands on opposite sides of my head on the door, caging me in. He is looking down at me with such heat in his eyes that I don’t know what to make of any of this.
“I noticed,” is all he says on a growl.
He trails his fingers along my cheek, down my throat, to my collarbone, where he pauses and looks up into my shocked eyes.
“Your pulse is racing, Riley. Am I making you uncomfortable?” He asks in a voice that is almost foreign.
I shake my head back and forth, “No, yes, no. I’m confused.” I sigh and look down. He tilts my chin up with his index finger. I keep my eyes cast downward, not wanting to look into his eyes. If I look into those hazel eyes, I am afraid of what I will see—of what it will do to me.
“I see that, Riley. Look at me.” His voice is soft, but demanding. I don’t want to look at him, but I can’t get my body to listen to my brain. I feel possessed. I meet his eyes just as a tear rolls down my cheek and then another and another. Damn it. I am so weak. I can’t do this.
He watches my tears fall and drags the pad of his thumb under my eyes to wipe them away. I can’t stop them from falling.
He seems just as lost as me in this moment, looking back and forth at each of my eyes. Studying me. Breaking me.
“I’m sorry, baby.” He rests his forehead on mine, his dirty blond hair tickling my eyes.
I begin to shake uncontrollably. “I…I…I can’t do this, Josh. You need to leave, please. Please, leave me alone.” I stutter as I tremble.
“I can’t. I can’t leave you alone.” His eyes flick to my mouth, and very slowly he places his left hand on the door and raises his right hand to my face. He slowly pads his thumb along my bottom lip that is quivering now.
I can’t help but shut my eyes and let my head fall back to the door. I feel dizzy. My breaths are coming shallowly, and my heartbeat feels like a marching band has taken up residence inside my chest—thumping so loudly, that I know he has to hear it. I’m losing control. I want him to stop, to never stop. What is wrong with me?
He lowers his head to my shoulder. His breath is so hot on my neck.
“Riley?” He moves his hand away from my lips and is now tickling his fingers up and down my arm, leaving a tingling sensation and goose bumps in their path.
“Hmm?” I didn’t know what to say anymore.
He slowly lifts his head, dragging his nose along my cheek until our lips are almost touching. His mouth is only a breath apart from my own. I see a million emotions shadow his eyes as he looks down at my face. His breath is minty and tantalizing me. He presses his chest into my own, causing me to gasp. I look into his eyes, locking into a silent debate of will. He wraps his hand around the nape of my neck, his other hand cups my cheek, and I am certain he is about to kiss me. I don’t have the strength, or desire to stop him.
If I lean in, we would kiss. One last taste would put me in my coffin—be my poison. I’m addicted to his poison, though. I want it on my tongue, inside my mouth. Kiss me.
He doesn’t kiss me, though. He steps back and stares at me for the longest time.
“I’m sorry. I can’t think straight with you like that. I’ll shut my eyes so you can put clothes on, and then we need to talk.” He says, gesturing to my towel wrapped body and turns his back to me. It’s not up for question. We are going to talk.
Okay then.
I dress quickly in white shorts and a teal camisole. My mind is reeling of airing all of this with him. What was he going to say? How would I respond in hearing it? What should I say?
I walk over to my bed where he is sitting with his elbows rested on his knees, his head in the palms of his hands. I place my hand on his shoulder, and he looks up at me with wary eyes. I place my body in between his legs looking down at him.
His eyes are indecisive and full of worry. I rub my index finger along his brow line to smooth it. “Do you remember when things used to be so easy between us? When we used to laugh together? When you would climb through that window just to annoy me?” I ask looking at the glass that holds so many good memories.
Tears are brimming in his eyes, “I remember every fucking minute I ever spent with you, Riley.”
He interlaces our fingers, and he seems to be watching mesmerized as he does. I look at our intertwined hands and back to his face. I bite my lip nervously. His eyes look to my lips and then back to my eyes.
“Are you getting back together with Dean?” He asks abruptly.
My mouth falls open in shock. What’s he smoking? For real? Seriously! Like, I would ever do that. Doesn’t he realize any of this?
“Hell, no! What would make you think that?” I ask him incredulously.
He lifts a shoulder and tilts his head to the side. “You were with him today, holding his hand—hugging.”
I imagine it did look like that from his perspective. “He was concerned about me, but nothing has changed between him and me.” I swallow and hold his gaze, “Whereas everything has changed for us right?” I state forlornly.
He growls, “I’m not with Preslee, never
have been. I know you think I lied to you, but I didn’t.”
“I’m beginning to think the definition of lying is different for guys and girls.” I release his hand and back away to put some distance between us.
“I.am.not.lying,” he grates through clenched teeth. “I know you think she is pregnant with my baby. I’m not the one who got her pregnant. In fact, I’ve never even had sex before, Riley. I’m sure that is a shock to you but it’s true. I’m a virgin just like you.”
Again my mouth falls open. “How do you know I am a virgin?” I ask him.
“You told me the night we were right here.” He says, palming the mattress.
“Okay. But, seriously? You expect me to believe you have never had sex Josh?” I ask not believing this.
First, Dean tells me that bullshit to get in my panties. Now, Josh? Really? What motive is there to feed me this crap again? Do I have a sign on my head that says naïve freak or gullible broken mess?
“It’s true. I told you this the night we were here.” He explains.
“You mean the night you rejected me?” I cross my arms over my chest.
He sits there with his eyes on my face. “Riley, I didn’t reject you. You must not remember everything that happened. I didn’t have sex with you, I didn’t stay with you, and you are right about that. But I didn’t reject you. I told you why I was leaving. I didn’t want your first time to be like that, or our first time together to be with you drunk.” He sighs, “You have no idea how hard it was to not give in, Riley. God, I wanted to, I wanted you. I still want you. I’m not lying to you. I promise you. I’m not lying. It’s always been you. It will always only be you. Please, believe me.”
I study his face looking for the lie. I don’t see it. I don’t respond just yet. I don’t have the words, but when I do, I’m more confused than before.
“Josh, I might not remember everything, but I do remember explaining to you why Dean broke up with me. Did you know he told me he was a virgin too? That having sex with me for the first time would make it special for him? Except, he wasn’t a virgin, Josh. It was just a ploy to get me to do what he wanted.” I say.
“I’m not Dean, Riley. I’m not trying to play with your emotions. I’m telling you the truth.”
Escape the Doubt Page 17
