Now I knew I’d made her mad.
Gulping, I took a seat on the edge of Calum’s bed as he climbed in, snuggling under the blankets. “Momma said you and I should have father-son time from now on when you read me my bedtime story.”
“Hmm.” I wasn’t happy about that at all. She wasn’t even talking to me about anything. She’d just gone and made decisions all on her own—and she’d already done that for six years where Calum was concerned.
But I swallowed my anger and read the story to our son. As soon as he’d fallen asleep, I went to her bedroom door. It was locked.
Now the anger came back, and I knocked on the door with a loud bang. ‘Tawny!”
No response came, and I knocked harder, my voice louder when I called out to her. Yet still, there was no response. Pulling my cell out, I typed out a message, telling her to come to my bedroom because we needed to talk. But even that didn’t get an immediate response.
I headed to my bedroom, shucked my suit and got into the shower. My head was a mess, worry mixed with anger, and I hated how I felt. I finished my shower and headed out into my bedroom, wearing nothing more than a towel around my waist, and found Tawny sitting on one of the small sofas. She was wearing a fluffy white robe and sipping a glass of red wine.
“Why aren’t you in the bed waiting for me, Tawny?” I walked toward her slowly.
“I thought I’d let you get some sleep. What did you want?” She looked past me for some reason, deliberately avoiding my gaze.
“You thought you’d let me sleep?” I went to take a seat on the other sofa.
“Yeah. I’m tired. If we have sex…”
I interrupted her. “You mean, if we make love.”
“Yeah, whatever,” she flicked her hand in a little wave as if there was no difference. “If we did, then I’d most likely fall asleep and you don’t want that, so I’ll just fall asleep in my own bed tonight.” She acted like it wouldn’t bother her in the least, staying apart from me all night.
“I was gone for two weeks, and you think one night together is enough for me?” I ran my hand over my stomach as I thought about her agreeing to try to get pregnant.
“I didn’t say that.” She pulled the glass of wine to her lips, taking a long sip. “You don’t want me to sleep with you, August. I get it. I understand even. But that means that sometimes, when I feel really tired, I’ll have to forgo the lovemaking. Otherwise we might fall asleep together, and you don’t want that. I want to respect your wishes, that’s all.”
But that wasn’t all. If that was all, then she’d be able to look at me as she said it, which she didn’t. “Tawny, you can be truthful with me. Is something wrong?”
Finally, her eyes moved to meet mine. “August, of course, there’s something wrong. I love you. I want to sleep next to you, feel your arms around me, feel your body behind mine as we spoon the night away—every night. And I can’t have that. So, yes, there’s something wrong. But even so, I love you, and I want this to work. So, I’m not going to fight you about it anymore. I’ll sleep in my own room.”
She was giving me what I wanted, and yet she wasn’t. “I’ve missed you, Tawny. I really wanted to make love to you tonight. Or at least spend some time talking with you before you rushed off to bed.”
“And I’d love that, too. Do you think I haven’t missed you today? I have. But I’m just tired. It’s been a rough day.” She took another drink of the wine.
“And why has this day been so rough, baby?” I watched her take a bigger gulp of wine than her previous sips. She was obviously using the alcohol to cope with things.
“Okay, if you must know, I cried myself to sleep last night after you took me to my room. And I’ve been thinking all day about how I’d be selling myself short, living this separate kind of life with you. I even talked to your sister about moving out of here. I went so far as to call the lady I rented my apartment from and asked her if it was still available, if you must know.” She downed more wine.
Even though her words hit me square in the chest, I couldn’t help but notice that she was downing her drink too quickly—and relying on it too much during this conversation. I got up, walked over to her and took the glass from her hand. “No more of this. You should be clear-headed for this discussion.” Placing it on the table next to her, I sat down beside her. “Are you unhappy now?”
She looked me square in the eyes. “August, I am very unhappy now.”
It was never my intention to make her unhappy. But at least she was honest with me. “Do you think you’ll be okay in time?”
“I have no clue.” Her honesty was complete, but it was overwhelming.
Could I live with myself, knowing that she wasn’t as happy as she could be?
“My doctor advised me not to make you do anything that you don’t want to.” I ran my hand over her shoulder then up to her chin, taking it with my fingers to make her look at me, forcing her to take her gaze off the floor. “But Tawny, I am deathly afraid of hurting you. I am a trained killer—it would be so easy for me to hurt you by accident when I’m like that. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me to take you out of my bed and lock you away from me.”
“I’m sure it was hard. And I know what you’re afraid of.” She blinked a few times, and I could tell she was holding something back. Then she said it. “I’m afraid of this separating us, August. I’m afraid that our relationship is just too new to handle this right now. And I know this isn’t your fault. But it’s not mine either.”
Swallowing hard, I knew she was right. “Maybe I’m not meant to have a real relationship.”
All she could do was nod. “Maybe not.”
“I do love you.” I leaned forward to kiss her, but she pressed her hand against my lips, stopping the kiss. “You don’t want me to kiss you?” I asked incredulously.
“I do, but I’ll want so much more if you do that.” The way her brows furrowed told me she was teetering on the edge of something. “I think I’ll get used to this with time. But for now, I feel hurt when you make me leave. I’m trying my best to deal with this. I’m doing everything I can.”
What in the hell could I do?
“This is a thing I can’t control, Tawny,” I whispered, and then took her hand, holding it in mine and kissing each knuckle of her balled-up fist.
“You think I don’t know that?” She watched me as I kissed her hand with soft sweet kisses.
“What I think is this, baby.” Her skin felt soft beneath my hands as I ran them up her arms. “I think you and I can figure things out together. I think you and I can eventually have a normal life. So, how about we do this—you come to this bed, our bed, each night. We’ll be together, either holding each other or making love until you fall asleep. I’ll stay awake and carry you to your bed once you fall asleep.”
The sadness that took over her expression told me that wasn’t going to be enough for her. “If only that would make things better. But I know it won’t. I know I’ll wake up once I can’t feel your body close to mine. You’re a part of me; you have been since that first night. It was okay before, not to have you physically in my life, in my bed. Now that I have you, I need you like you’ll never understand.”
“Don’t you think there’s some way you can come to terms with this?” I asked her as I brushed her hair back, pinning a lock of it behind her ear. My lips yearned to graze over her neck. “For instance, if I had a job where I had to get up earlier than you did, would it bother you so much to be in the bed alone?”
“But it’s not like that. You’re just down the hallway, not gone.” She looked away as if nothing would ever make this any better.
I may have been considered the stubborn one in our relationship, but Tawny was proving to be pretty stubborn herself. And I was at a loss as to how to help her accept things for what they were.
As hard as it was to let her go, I did it. “I guess there’s nothing I can say then. Good night, Tawny. I love you.” Then I got up and walked away.
> It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.
Chapter 31
Tawny
Thanksgiving came and went. At least the busy holiday season took my mind off how long it had been since August and I had been intimate.
We had gotten along alright. But with the lack of intimacy came a distance between us. When we were asked at the dinner table on Thanksgiving if we’d scheduled a date for the wedding, we’d both murmured a quiet no.
Leila took me aside, asking me how things were going. I told her what we were doing, and she told me to stay strong and give things time. I’d been doing that, but nothing was getting any better.
It began to feel as if August and I were roommates. We did things with Calum together, but I continued to let August read to him each night alone. I’d go take a bath and go to bed with a book, much the same as I’d done all the years before, when I was single. Only now, Calum wasn’t coming into my bed each night. The security of knowing there was a monitor right next to him so he could reach me was enough to end that little habit he’d had.
Little by little, I got back into my old routine. Christmas was right around the corner, and another big holiday party had been planned. Everyone would come to August’s house once more to spend the holiday.
Our Christmas Eve dinner—with just August, Calum, and I—proved to be a pivotal moment in our lives. When we left the dining room, August asked me to come talk to him in his room after he’d put Calum to bed.
When I went in, staying dressed in my jeans and button down, I found him to be fully dressed too. That surprised me, as I thought he might try to pull out all the stops to get me into his bed that night.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
“Please, sit down, Tawny.” He gestured to one of the sofas, and I took a seat. He sat across from me on a chair. “We need to talk.”
“So you said. What would you like to talk about?” I asked him as I sat back and tried in vain to get comfortable.
He pointed at me then at himself. “There’s a rift between us.”
All I could do was nod. “Yes, I agree.”
“Do you still love me?” His hazel eyes bore into mine.
“I’ll always love you, August,” I admitted.
“And I, you.” He looked away, trying to steel himself to tell me more. “But this isn’t working.”
Taking the engagement ring off my finger, I placed it on the table between us, feeling numb. “I agree. We shouldn’t be getting married right now, if ever. We had a child, but that doesn’t mean we have to be together forever.”
“I don’t want you to leave.” He looked at the ring instead of me. “I want you to stay here with us.”
“I’d never leave my son anyway. What should we tell Calum?” My fingers ran over my finger where the heavy ring had been. I hadn’t even worn it that damn long, but I already felt its absence, and it felt horrible.
He let out a big breath. “I think we can figure that out later.” He paused for a moment, looking down at his hands as if preparing himself for what he had to say next. “I’ve been talking to my therapist,” he started. He’d progressed to doing his therapy sessions every other day now. “And to some other people, too—people who have what I have—people who’ve been in marriages that haven’t worked out because of this. But if not being able to sleep together makes this much of a difference in our relationship, then maybe sex was the only thing holding us together in the first place.” He reached across the table, taking the ring and closing his fist around it.
As I watched the ring disappear, my numbness began to fade, and it hit me. He and I were over.
“Then that’s it,” I said, my heart breaking as I stood up to leave. “Good night.”
“Good night,” he echoed.
My feet moved at a normal pace, even though I wanted to run out of the room. Tears starting pooling in my eyes as I walked toward my bedroom, the dam finally bursting as I crossed the threshold. In no time at all, I’d gone from finding true love and getting engaged, to breaking up.
Falling on my bed, I buried my face in the pillow to hide my cries. What he’d said had hurt—that there was only sex between us. I’d made him fall out of love with me. By withholding myself from him, I’d ended what we’d found.
Pounding the bed with my fists, I tried to get the frustration and anger out of my system. I’d be living under the same monstrous roof as the man, but I would never have him again.
Everything inside of me hurt—my heart, my head, my entire body.
Every time August had tried to touch me, I’d shied away, telling him I couldn’t handle that yet. I wasn’t ready to make love with him and be forced to leave him.
One day had turned into another and another until it led to the one that ended it all.
Life as I’d known it was over. But then again, I supposed it’d been over since the night I’d made up my mind to sleep in my own room. I had no one but myself to blame.
I knew our relationship was more than mere sex. I was the one who took everything off the table. Not just the sex, but every little act of intimacy. I didn’t like to be alone with August at all, knowing I’d want him if we were alone.
I’d been cold at times, shutting myself down to avoid having any arousal for the man. My body had craved him, but I had managed to lock that craving away, telling myself that I had to get stronger before I could deal with that.
It seemed I’d waited too long.
Christmas morning came, and so did his family. My mother and father came, too. It was my mother who noticed the absence of the ring. “Tawny, you’re not wearing your engagement ring.”
Her words caused many sets of eyes to shift toward my hand. Before I could think of anything to say, August came to my side. Always the hero. “We might as well get this out in the open. Tawny and I won’t be getting married. She will continue to live here for as long as Calum does, though. We’ll continue to raise our son together. We’ve agreed to do what’s best for him, and we do have love in our hearts for one another. We’ll never hurt each other, and Calum will always be put first.”
My jaw clenched, and I couldn’t say a word. My brain screamed at me that this was all my fault. If I had tried to work around the problem, then we’d still be in love and getting married. Instead, we were surrounded by pitying eyes as our families learned our sad state of affairs.
Leila sighed heavily and leaned against her husband, who ran his arm around her, holding her close. Those two barely lived together with his work schedule, and yet they’d had half a dozen kids and found a way to make it all work.
Why couldn’t I figure out how to make it work no matter what the obstacles were? I wasn’t a dumb person. So why had I resolved myself to this?
Christmas Day was long and hard and full of awkward conversations. August’s mother had slipped up and mentioned finding the perfect little mother-of-the groom dress at some shop in Napa Valley. Her eyes had gone wide as she remembered that she wouldn’t need it anymore. Then her eyes went to August, who sat near Calum, before traveling to me, pity and sadness filling them once more as she apologized for saying that.
August and I stood side by side that night, saying goodbye to everyone as they left the foyer to head to their homes. Then the three of us turned around to head upstairs: me to bathe Calum, August to read to him afterward.
Was this how life would be from now on? And if so, just how long could I take it?
If I was unhappy before, I’d become completely miserable.
Calum’s smile had faded as we made our way up the stairs. “So, you guys really aren’t gettin’ married now?”
I’d mentioned something to Calum earlier in the day, before anyone had arrived, and he hadn’t had much of a reaction—I guess it was because he didn’t think it was real. This was the first time he mentioned it since. August and I exchanged looks. “Nah, not right now,” August said lightly, like it wasn’t a big deal at all. “But that’s not going to change a thing, don’
t you worry, buddy.”
“Do you think you might get married someday and then we could be a real family?” he asked as we reached the top of the stairs, and he stopped to turn back to look at us. “And what about the brothers and sisters you said you wanted me to have? What about them? What about all the plans?” Calum burst into tears, great heaving sobs that tore at my heart. I wished I could fix everything for him.
But there wouldn’t be any fixing it. So, I stood there, frozen on the staircase as August, the hero, scooped our son up., “Things are going to be fine, Calum,” he murmured softly. “Momma and Daddy will always love you, and we’ll always be a family—just in a different way. You don’t have to cry.”
The two of them continued on to Calum’s room, leaving me alone. My legs felt weak, and I sat on the top step, putting my face in my hands. It wasn’t just my life that was falling apart before my eyes—it was my son’s, too. Maybe not as badly as some people’s do, but for us, it was bad. And then there was August, strong as hell on the outside, but ripped to shreds on the inside.
August must’ve seen the state I was in, because he called back to me. “I’ve got him, Tawny. I’ll give him his bath and put him to bed. ’Night.”
Instead of heading to my room, I went back downstairs. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. All I could do was berate myself internally for screwing everything up.
I headed out to the garage, where I got into a random car and drove off, not wanting to see the mansion August let me live in, not wanting to be around the two people I loved more than anything. I’d failed them both immeasurably.
August had always been my hero, but I couldn’t bring myself to be one to him or our son.
Selfish bitch!
That’s all I kept saying to myself as I just kept driving. I didn’t realize where I was heading until I’d arrived at August’s nightclub, Swank. Opening night was only a week away.
Parking the car across the street, I looked at what they’d built. The building was a masterpiece even though it hadn’t been lit up yet. I wondered if August still wanted me to be his date for the grand opening.
Nightclub Sins: A Billionaire Romance Series Page 48
