by Grace, Aria
Before any words could actually leave my mouth, I felt a steel fist slam into it. I’d never been punched full-on in the face before. It was excruciating. I used my tongue to account for each of my teeth as I felt a second blow hit the side of my head.
I had been knocked around by bullies before but this was different. This felt personal. I had no idea what I’d done to piss off these guys so badly but they were out for blood and I didn’t disappoint. I could feel the warm liquid pouring out of my nose and from the side of my face. I tried to protect my head but they were kicking and punching from every direction. Their voices sounded far away but I think it was just my mind trying to escape.
Rough hands grabbed my ankles and straightened out my body.
“You like to fuck guys, huh? Well, let’s see if you like this.” I felt jostling around my belt and knew that it had been released.
“What the fuck are you doing?” the other voice asked with an edge of panic. “You said you just wanted to give him a warning not...whatever the hell you’re doing.”
“I just want to see how much he likes it. Maybe my fist up his ass will keep his dick out of places it doesn’t belong.”
None of the words I was hearing made sense. I knew my pants were down but I couldn’t feel anymore. I’d checked out. The voices that were arguing above me got fainter.
When the sweet escape of darkness finally found me, I ran to it. I didn’t want to look for the light. I wanted to stay in that dark and numb place for the rest of my life, which I assumed would be counted down in minutes rather than years.
“Mike! Oh, my God, Mike! Wake up. What happened?” I could hear a new voice but I didn’t want to go to it. I wanted to stay in my cocoon of oblivion and never wake up. It was too humiliating. Too much pain. I didn’t even know exactly what happened but I knew it was bad.
“My roommate was attacked. He isn’t waking up. Yes, he has a pulse but he’s in bad shape. Miller Hall. 317. Please hurry.”
There was scrambling and I felt hands on my face and shoulders. I was becoming more aware of the fact that Brett had found me in our room after...whatever had happened. I didn’t want to ever open my eyes again but the frantic tone in his voice made me want to reassure him that I wasn’t dead, even though I wished for it as the pain started to come back.
“I’m okay,” I mumbled but it might not have been coherent. My ears were ringing so even my own voice sounded distant.
“Mike, can you hear me? What happened? Who did this to you?” He had one arm cradled under my shoulders and when I groaned in acknowledgment, he pulled me into his chest. Despite the fact that he was a dude, he was also my friend and I appreciated his comfort. I let myself lean into him while I took stock of all the places that hurt. I remembered the blood from my nose so I assumed it was broken, along with at least a few ribs. My head pounded and felt foggy so I figured that was a concussion from the blows I took. I tried to wiggle my fingers and fire shot up my right arm. Something was definitely wrong there. As I became fully conscious, I felt the full weight of the pain and humiliation of having Brett find me like that. My stomach turned and I spit out the word “Sick” just in time to push off his chest and vomit on myself. I probably would have choked to death if he hadn’t been there to roll me on my side. He was still rubbing my back and talking quietly to me when the paramedics arrived.
I was lifted onto a gurney and I knew Brett was explaining what he’d walked into but I couldn’t bear to hear the words that described the worst experience of my life. I let unconsciousness take me again and prayed this time it’d do the job right and not let me wake up.
Chapter 3
No such luck. I heard the quiet hum of machines and heavy breathing that wasn’t my own. I cracked my eyes just enough to see bright light and a window that was on the wrong side of the room. That’s when the memory came back and I realized I was in a hospital.
After avoiding consciousness for as long as possible, I finally opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the top of Brett’s head resting against the side of my wrist. I lifted my left hand just enough to get his attention and his head shot up and looked straight at me.
“Hey, you’re awake,” he said with faint smile. He looked almost as bad as I felt. “Are you okay? Do you need me to call a nurse?” He reached for the nurse’s button but I shook my head. Bad idea.
“No, no nurse,” I groaned. “I’m okay. Thirsty.” Brett jumped up to pour a cup of water from a pitcher on the small table that was hovering over my feet. I could still taste vomit in my mouth and looked down to see that my soiled clothes were gone. When he put the water to my mouth, I took a sip. My lips were chapped and burned as they held the straw. The sharp pain of more cracked and bleeding skin was quickly forgotten once I swallowed. My swollen throat felt like it had been juggling rocks.
As Brett sat back down, I realized that my breath must have been atrocious so I turned away from him. “I could use a toothbrush, too,” I joked, hoping to ease the considerable tension in the room.
“How about you start by telling me what the hell happened?”
His face was a mask of anger and sadness. I didn’t really understand either and I definitely didn’t want to talk about it but I knew I had to. I quickly recapped how I walked into the room and two guys walked in behind me and beat the shit out of me.
I couldn’t look him in the face. I knew there was more to the story but I couldn’t remember anything else, thankfully.
“Your pants were off when I found you. Did they do anything else to you?” he asked quietly. I lifted my hand to my face and tried to hide behind it. There are no words to describe the shame I felt in that moment.
I didn’t even know if I was still a virgin. I’d never hoped for anything more desperately. I shrugged my shoulders but didn’t look up. He rested a hand on my leg and squeezed. It was such an intimate gesture that I had to peek at him between my fingers. His eyes were glistening and looked even brighter than before. Like the bluest sky on a warm summer day. They were always warm but they appeared to be glowing.
“You can tell me. I know it’s hard to talk about but I need to know what happened.”
“I don’t remember. I think they planned to do something but I passed out while they were still talking. I don’t know what happened. I should have told you yesterday...” I trailed off, thinking that maybe this was some kind of hazing scenario gone bad. Maybe Brett was pledging a frat that didn’t want him hanging out with me?
“Told me what yesterday? What do you mean?”
“About the emails. I thought they were a prank. I’m still not sure they weren’t. I think someone thought we were…together and told me to stay away from you. I don’t know. It still doesn’t make any sense.” He stood up and paced to the end of the room and back, clenching and unclenching his fists with each step.
“You mean someone did this to you because of me? This is my fault?” He was almost shouting when the nurse walked in. I was grateful for the distraction although I needed to explain to Brett that it wasn’t his fault and that I didn’t blame him. He walked out the door as the nurse approached me and reached for my wrist.
“How you feeling, dear? Your pulse is a little high but everything is looking good. You almost ready for dinner?”
“Dinner? What time is it?” I looked for my phone but didn’t see it out. “Is my phone here? It was probably in my jeans.” Oh, yeah, I wasn’t wearing my jeans. God, could this get any worse?
“It could be in your bag of personal items but it’s almost six so I can have something brought in for you. It’ll be light to give your stomach some time to adjust. You might not be able to hold much down tonight but if you’re feeling stronger tomorrow, you should be able to go home.” She wrote some notes and showed me how to work the controls on the bed and TV then she walked out with a promise to have food sent in shortly. I moved the bed into an upright position and waited for Brett to return. He came in right after my food arrived and sat down. The hot soup was soo
thing to my throat so I was able to drink most of it. I didn’t touch the juice or jello that was also on the tray. When I put my napkin on the tray and pushed it away, he looked to me for answers.
“I need to know what those emails said. Did you keep them? I’m sure the police are going to want to see them too.” He spoke calmly but I could hear a fury that I’d never heard before. It was the intensity that I imagined he played with on the field.
“Do you know where my phone is? I think they are still in my inbox.” He stood up and pulled my phone out of his pocket.
“I grabbed it and your wallet from your jeans,” he said sheepishly as he handed it to me.
I pulled up my inbox and scrolled down to the anonymous message, ignoring the messages from dormmates that had seen me get rolled out of the building and into an ambulance. I’d deal with the questions later, after I had a decent story to tell everyone.
“That’s the one that came in last night while we were at the party. There was another one from Wednesday night that you can scroll down to.” As he read them, his face turned an unnatural shade of red. I’d never seen him look so terrifying. He was murderous as he scrolled between the two messages, reading them over and over.
“I’m so sorry. I can’t believe someone would hurt you because of me.” I could see the devastation in his face.
“This isn’t your fault. It is the fault of two homophobic assholes that have probably been bullies for their whole lives. If I seriously felt threatened, I would have called campus security or told you about it. I thought it was a joke. It’s just as much my fault for ignoring it as it was their fault for doing it.” I didn’t want Brett to take any responsibility for what happened. I should have taken the threats more seriously. I wasn’t usually so careless, but then again, I wasn’t usually so drunk.
“This was not your fault. You didn’t deserve this. You have every right to feel safe and I’m so sorry that this happened.”
He was pacing again and I could see the veins in his neck and biceps pulsing as he clenched his jaw and fists. He was going to give himself an aneurysm if he didn’t relax.
“Did you recognize them? Do you know who did this?” he asked through gritted teeth.
I shook my head. “It was dark and they were in the shadows. I was so surprised to see anyone there that I didn’t really get a good look. Then, after the first punch, I just tried to keep my head down and didn’t want to look. I’m such a fucking coward. I didn’t even try to fight back.”
I could feel tears welling up and felt even worse. I was acting like a child but everything was starting to sink in and I couldn’t hold back the emotion any more. I ducked my head into the pillow away from Brett and let the tears flow. I felt his thick arms wrap around me as he pulled me to his chest. Again. And, once again, I was comforted by it.
“It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. We’ll figure this out and I swear that if I ever find out who hurt you, I’ll fucking kill them.” His chin came to rest on my head. After a few moments of letting my pain and humiliation flow, I finally got myself under control.
I took a few deep breaths and felt a hundred times better. I guess women are right about sometimes needing a good cry. It was very therapeutic.
I should have been embarrassed that Brett had witnessed it, but I wasn’t. He didn’t judge me. He didn’t seem disgusted by me and what I had done, or what had been done to me. His presence gave me strength that I didn’t expect to have so soon after the attack.
The police came in a little after nine to take my statement. They asked Brett to leave the room while we talked privately but I wanted him to stay. I started with the emails and went through waking up when Brett was calling 911.
“The emails suggested that you were in an intimate relationship with your roommate, Brett, here?” The officer pointed at Brett and I nodded. “Are you in an intimate relationship?”
“No,” I said quickly. Maybe a little too quickly, based on the way Brett flinched and took a few steps back from where he was standing behind the officers.
“I mean, we’re good friends and roommates. But, that’s it.”
“Do you have any idea who might have sent these emails?”
The officer looked at me and then back at Brett. He shook his head and had that furious mask on again.
“Maybe a secret admirer that would have been jealous of your new roommate? Or an ex that wasn’t ready to be an ex?”
“I have no idea who could have done this. Most of my friends don’t even know I’m gay. No one would go after Mike. I can’t believe anyone I know would do something like this.” Both of his hands fisted his short, blond hair. He seemed to be trying to make sense of this senseless act.
“There’s one other thing but...you might want some privacy.”
The officer looked pointedly at me and I knew what was coming. He was going to tell me what my mind was trying to protect me from.
But, I knew I wouldn’t want to repeat it to Brett later so I shook my head and told the officer that Brett could stay if he wanted to. It was okay for him to hear whatever they had to say.
“Because of the way you were found, we did a rape kit. We haven’t sent it to the lab for examination yet because we need to know if you’d want to press charges. If not, we’ll hold the samples for now and see if you change your mind.” I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t look at any of the men in my room and wanted more than anything to just go back home and forget this ever happened.
“Fuck yeah, he wants to press charges. Run the tests and if you find out who did this, I want first crack at them.” Brett was suddenly my biggest advocate. I was shocked at how personally he was taking this whole situation. He’s the kind of guy that likes to take care of others so he had a strong sense of responsibility for being part of the reason for the attack.
“Mr. Higgens, it’s up to you. You don’t have to decide right now but obviously there are certain things that we would want to check for if you did have unprotected sex.”
Diseases. He was talking about STDs. I could have AIDS because of this. The tears rolled down my cheeks again and I nodded my head.
“Do it. I need to know.” The officers asked a few more questions, took Brett’s information and left the room. Once again, Brett was by my side. I was so ashamed. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t my fault but I couldn’t get over the fact that I wasn’t able to protect myself. If I had, maybe nothing would have happened. Then Brett wouldn’t have felt so guilty.
I didn’t want him to feel obligated to stay with me anymore. It had been a full day since he found me and I needed to give him an out. Let him leave without feeling like he was abandoning me.
“If you need to head out, I’ll be fine.” I kept my eyes down and waited for him to make his escape. After a few moments of silence, he placed both of his hands around my left hand and held it. He gave me a minute to pull back or argue but I couldn’t even acknowledge the contact.
“Hey,” he whispered. I finally looked at him. The anger he’d been warring with was still there but I could see a tenderness in his features too.
“I’m not leaving here without you. No matter what the results are or what actually happened, I’m gonna be here for you. If there was any way I could take away this hurt, I would. I wish they would have tried that shit with me,” he said with anger surfacing again.
I felt a connection to him that I’d never felt with any of my friends before. I felt love coming from his words. I figured it was more like a brotherly bond that I just hadn’t experienced with my own brothers.
They say tragedy brings people together so maybe that’s what this link was that I felt forming in my chest. I wanted to break up the tension a bit before I started to cry again. I really needed to man up and get these emotions under control.
“Yeah, you probably would have liked it,” I said with a forced grin. He stared back at me in shock and then let out a booming laugh. The tense moment had passed.
“Maybe but that’s not the point. Th
e point is that you shouldn’t have experienced that in that way. I’m so sorry.” Okay, maybe the moment hadn’t fully passed but I felt better.
“Yeah, yeah. Enough about me. Aren’t you tired? Or hungry? How long have you been here?”
“I haven’t left since we came in on the ambulance. And now that you mention it, I’m starved. If you’re okay for a while, I’ll run down to the cafeteria and see what they have. Do you want anything?”
“I think I’m gonna try to take a nap. Between the emotional roller coaster and all the drugs, I can barely keep my eyes open.” He squeezed my hand once more then walked out of the room to find food. I quickly passed out for the night.
Chapter 4
The next morning, the doctors gave me instructions on how to clean my bandages and what I was and wasn’t allowed to do. Moving in almost any way was on the ‘not allowed’ list. My ribs were bruised but not broken so that was the good news. The bad news was that my nose and right thumb were broken, and I had random stitches and bandages across my body.
Brett drove me home and had to practically carry me from his car to our room on the third floor. He put me on his bed, since I wasn’t able to climb up to the top bunk, and got me settled with pillows, my laptop and a bottle of water. He was an excellent nurse.
People that I barely knew filed in and out of the room all day. I gave them a vague story about getting jumped when I got home from a party on Friday and warned people to be aware of their surroundings when they were coming and going. I felt like a PSA for campus safety but I didn’t want people pressing me for details. Brett paled every time I retold the story. His guilt was eating him alive but he was channeling it into taking care of me, which I really appreciated.
“Thanks for everything, Brett. If it weren’t for you, I’d have to call my parents and have my mom fly down to take care of me.” I shuddered at the thought of having my mom in the dorm with me for even a few days.
