by Oakes, Tara
I turn to him, ignoring the tree for the moment. “Why? You have nothing to be sorry for….”
His voice cracks. “I let it happen. I wasn’t strong enough. I--” he finally turns to me, his eyes showing pain. “--I couldn’t hold on to you.”
The rawness of his emotion is overwhelming. I can feel every drop of his pain as surely as I feel the first raindrop fall to my skin. I move to speak, to ease his torment somehow. I’m not given the chance.
He quickly swoops me up, burying my mouth, my lips, in his, making a plea for forgiveness not with words, but with his kiss. How can this man think himself weak? The tenderness and vulnerability he’s just shown me prove his strength. They prove to me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is the strongest person I’ve ever known.
To suffer the loss he has, to do what he’s done to regain what was his… I can only imagine the courage necessary to endure that. He whispers into me.
“I will never let go again.”
Like the lightning-riddled skies above, my heart is equally flooding, bursting. His eyes are like honey now, searching into mine to find some forgiveness for the injustice he wrongly assumes blame for. This has been weighing on his soul for hundreds of years. I cannot bear for him to endure it a second longer.
The moment is no longer about me. A powerful resolve takes hold within, a quiet determination to right what was wronged against us. I let go, backing away from the person with whom I just now realized I share a soul, turning from him to face the imposing tree that was our divide.
The drops fall heavy, their pace increasing with each step I take. The mangled and gnarled branches reach out like a spider web looking to snare its next victim. The leaves are heavy with rain but cover the ancient oak in a haven of protection, almost like shielding it from its sins.
The ground grows bumpy, uneven, with the network of roots snaking about, rising from the soil that nourishes them. I carefully step over them, closing the distance between myself and the offender of my dreams. I stop at the base of the tree.
The bark is old, weathered, cracking and peeling. The rich brown of its shell is flaking to reveal the smooth grey-like flesh of the tree underneath. I raise my eyes, to count the branches.
Which one was it? Which was the limb used to take my life? To steal that what was most precious from me without any cause?
I reach out my fingers, yearning to make contact with the very real object in front of me. I pause just before the touch is made.
This is it. This is the moment.
Anger fills my insides as a fierce determination takes over. This is for him. This is for us. And in a small way…this is for them, to prove that they hadn’t won, that they had tried in vain to break what is unbreakable.
I push my arm forward, my palm gripping onto the guilty wood. My eyes are closed as I brace myself for the onslaught of all the things Will described. Lightning breaks the sky, with a healthy shower of rain, replacing the random drops from before, followed by a barrage of thunder warring its way through the storm.
Is that it? Is that the mark of the epiphany that takes over? I place my other hand against the trunk of tree, next to the fingers of its twin, as if pushing into the oak. I do my best to clear my mind, to make room for all that will come.
Biting my lip, I strain, using all of my strength to will this to happen. The ground near my feet begins to puddle, collecting the rain that will nourish this tree once more. The drops are hard, trying their best to bruise my skin with each assault.
Nothing.
I feel nothing. I see nothing.
I remember nothing.
I bring myself in, hugging the tree now, making more contact as if that was the barrier. The leaves above shelter me from most of the rain, but does nothing to protect me from the tears that are openly pouring down my cheeks now. Their saltiness mixes with the raindrops to bathe me in sorrow.
I weep clinging to the tree, begging it to give me what I ask, to fulfill the prophecy and make me whole. It’s deaf to my cries as they hide themselves in the crashes of thunder drowning them out.
I can feel my shoulders shaking, my body violently shuddering.
After many moments, I release my grip, falling against the tree. The thing I feared most has just proven itself to me. It’s not real. None of it was real. I can hear Will rushing up behind me, splashing through the newly formed puddles to join me under the canopy of leaves, the canopy of lies.
The heat of his hand settles on my back. His touch is bittersweet to me in this moment. On the one hand, it’s the only thing that will comfort me. On the other, it’s the only thing that can make the hurt worse.
I turn to bury myself in his soaked chest, adding my tears to the damage the rain has done to him. His arms wrap around me.
“Shhh… it’s over now.” He kisses the top of my head. “I know it’s so much, but it’s all worth it. You’ve come back to me. You’re back where you belong. My Amelia, my love… my wife.”
His words cut through the damaged remains of my heart like a scorching hot knife slicing through butter. It’s not overly cold, but my teeth begin to chatter.
“You never have to see this place again. I promise you. Now that you remember, we can even set fire to it if you want. It will never hurt you again.”
I linger in each tiny miniscule fraction of a second, knowing that they are the only things preventing me from breaking his heart along with mine. Nothing has changed in his mind, yet. Everything is as it’s supposed to be, how I longed for it to be. How can I destroy that, to add that to his grief?
I can play along, pretend. Yes… I can be who he thinks I am. I can spare him the pain. That’s the only thing I can think to do, yet at the same time I know I cannot.
“Look at me Amelia. I need to see you look at me the way you did the moment I made my vows.”
I sob as his finger hooks under my chin and raises it.
If I thought I had known pain before, I was sadly mistaken. Watching him search into my eyes, the smile on his lips beaming in anticipation as he awaits what he’s longed for is too much.
I say nothing. I watch as his joy turns slowly to concern. It hadn’t dawned on him that he could have been wrong. His brow furrows as he tries harder to find what he is looking for only to be disappointed by what he’s found.
“Amelia?” He asks.
I cannot do this to him any longer. I can’t endure it myself for another second. He grows blurry through the tears I cry.
“No…,” my voice is broken. “I’m not her.”
I release my hold on him, although he grasps still.
“What? No. You’re wrong. We just… we did it wrong. Try again,” he pleads.
I shake my head, then shake my body free from him. “No! It’s not going to happen. It was never going to happen, Will! I’m not her. And the pain that it brings me is nothing like the devastationthat’s going to come when I see it in your eyes. When you know it, too.”
I swallow hard. “I can’t do this. I can’t be a part of this any longer. I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could love another person. But I’m not who you want. I’m never going to be her. And it breaks my heart to know that you would always want me to be. You would always look at me and wish I were her.”
I need to get out of here, to be far from this place. His eyes are wide, in awe and confusion as he listens to my words but doesn’t accept them. I can see it now, see him searching through me to find her. I can’t bear it another second.
I do the only thing I can think to do.
I run.
I run fast and hard and tear through the wind, back through the trees and the brush. It takes a moment but I can hear him far behind me.
“Leah! Wait!” The sound of his voice shrinks as I gain distance.
I remember the path, winding my way back into the schoolyard. The rain is coming down in sheets, blurring my vision but I see the parking lot ahead.
And then, by the only miracle to find its way i
nto my life right now… I see Court’s car, with the headlights on and the wipers moving briskly across the windshield to clear the waterfalls.
My mind has no reasoning left after what I’ve just experienced. I don’t question how she’s here, how she knows the one place to find me. I just accept it for what it is…. my salvation in this moment.
The passenger side door opens from inside, being pushed out into the wicked weather, and I jump in, slamming it shut behind me. The wipers clear enough of the rain away to see a figure, Will, breaking the tree line and running after me.
“Leah!”he calls loud enough to be heard inside the car.
“Go! Please! Just go!” I beg Courtney. She pauses for a second shifting her gaze through the glass to Will as he runs.
“Please,” I whisper.
She throws the car into reverse and does as I ask, leaving Will, the schoolyard, the tree and Salem behind.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“We can stop for coffee.”
We’ve been driving in silence nearly an hour. Neither of them have attempted conversation, sensing the seriousness of everything. Nina reaches up from the back seat every few minutes to pat my shoulder or hug me from behind. With nothing to dry myself, she even sacrificed her sweatshirt for me to make do with.
My clothes are still damp, hugging my body and sticking to the leather seats like plastic wrap, and my recently drenched hair has dried in matted clumps. We left the rain behind miles ago, with some semblance of sun peaking through the scattered clouds.
“I just want to sleep.” I crouch low in the seat and crumple Nina’s hoodie into a ball to cushion my head as it rests on the door.
“Whatever you need, Leah. We’re here for you. Just rest,” Court nurtures me as I close my eyes.
~*~
“What time is it?”my voice is coarse and rough.
“Just after two. We just made a drive-through run. We got you some coffee and a fruit cup.” Court multitasks answering the question while handing me the Styrofoam cup from the center console.
I shift myself to sit straight, taking the cup so she can return her hand to the wheel. I’m not thirsty, I’m not hungry… I’m not anything.
I go through the motions and flip back the tiny plastic flap covering the opening to the cup. The liquid is warm, hot even, and somehow soothes the scratched flesh of my throat.
I glance at the little clock on the dashboard to confirm Court’s estimate of the time. It is indeed 2:11. I’ve been out for over an hour. No nightmare, no dream, no manifestations of Will or the person he had me convinced he was from over 300 years ago. No perfect smile of his, no twitch of his jaw or smirk of his lip. Nothing.
I manage two sips before placing the base of the cup into the hard plastic cup holder between my seat and Court’s. I see her eyes trail down to where I deposit the cup, with her exhaling her disapproval at my not finishing the drink.
“You have to eat something, Leah,”she reasons.
I’m not going to argue over my lack of appetite.
“How did you know where to find me?”
I can see Court eyeing Nina through the rearview mirror before she answers.“The gypsy. The psychic reading we had a few days ago. She told me to be at the elementary school parking lot at a specific time. That you would need me.”
Nina contributes, “We thought she was nuts. She told Court not to tell you, that it might change the course you needed to be on. We didn’t plan on actually going to the school until this morning.”
I laugh to myself. So I wasn’t the only one who had a crazy reading that day.
“Thanks for coming,” I speak to the both of them.
Court takes my hand and clasps her fingers over mine. “Don’t mention it. You don’t have to tell us anything, Leah. Just know we’re here if you need us.”
I use my free hand to swipe at my eye before a tear of gratitude escapes. “Thanks, you two.”
I spend the rest of the drive in an almost catatonic state, looking out the window up to the sky. My body is tired. My mind is tired. My heart is broken beyond repair. Sleep comes easily, but I find I drift in and out, unable to keep hold of it, and it does nothing to replenish me. The lack of dreaming… or nightmares, even, is too new for me to determine if that’s why I can’t seem to feel relief when I close my eyes. Have I become to used to, or dependent, on those? Can I function without them?
Several bathroom breaks and a pit stop for sandwiches later we enter our hometown. A wash of relief comes over me as soon as we cross the border and see the “Welcome to Abingdon”sign. I convince myself that things will now get back to normal. All things Salem related will become a distant memory.
My heart aches as I think of everything that I’ll leave in the past. More like everyone. I can’t do this. I can’t think about him…it’s only going to make the pain worse.
My stop is first, pulling in front of the apartment building I call home. The energy it takes to release the door latch drains me and so I stumble out onto the pavement of the sidewalk.
“Leah!” Nina climbs out after me. “You’re gonna fall flat on your face!”
She helps me stand, letting me rest against her as we head into the building. I hear the clicking of the trunk as Court tends to my luggage behind us.
Nina uses her better judgment to choose the elevator, knowing that the stairs will prove impossible for me in this state. I hear the dinging through the metal doors, leaning against my friend. When the elevator is finally delivered to us and the doors safely opened, we step inside, holding the doors until Court has joined us with my roll-along suitcase and travel bag.
“Don’t worry, darlin’. We’re gonna take care of you.” She reaches forward and hits the number three button.
The sudden momentum of the machinery causes the few contents in my stomach to swirl violently. I close my eyes and try my best to contain the nausea. My throat constricts, the reflexes working overtime but losing their battle against the unease in my body.
One last artificial ding to notify us that we’d reached our destination, and I feel my body spasm.“I’m gonna be sick.”
The two girls share a look of alarm. “Two minutes, Leah.”
They move into action, Court rummaging through her key ring to locate the metal key I had given her. Nina helping to move my listless body quickly.
I feel my stomach cramping and a cold sweat breaks out over my skin. The door is thrown open and I somehow manage to scrounge up the energy needed to make a run for the ladies room, slamming the door behind me.
Forty minutes later, the girls knock on the door.
“Leah? We’re coming in,”they warn before breaking in on me. “Shower. Then bed.”
My heavy eyes wander up, no doubt like a sick little puppy.
~*~
“Leah?”
I open my eyes to the dark of the room.
“I brought you some soup.” I hear the clinking of the dinnerware as the bowl is set down on my bedside table.
I groan. “Not hungry.”
I feel the mattress sink as she takes a seat.“You need to eat something. Please?”
My eyes feel bruised from clenching tightly while trying to sleep. My joints ache. I can hear the concern laced throughout her words.
I do my best to pacify my best friend. “Just leave it there. I’ll get to it in a bit, Court.”
She pauses, but eventually leaves me to the darkness.
~*~
I turn over, flipping on my back, throwing my arm up over my eyes. I push the thick blankets down, kicking myself free of them. My skin feels tight, my lips cracked and rough from the onset of dehydration. My mouth feels like a crypt, my tongue an inflated mass of sandpaper.
I sit up on my elbows, blinking heavily to adjust to the bright room. I look to the nightstand and see that the tray of soup from last night has been cleared away. I find my weak legs wobbly, but give myself the time to balance and stand upright.
I hold my hands outright to maintai
n that delicate balance as I step forward, from the bedroom and into the living room. Court and Nina are seated on the sofa, watching some reality show on my TV.
“It’s aliiive!” Nina proclaims sarcastically like in some Frankenstein movie.
I try to crack a smile. I find that it hurts. It physically hurts.
Court sees me wincing. “All right. Baby steps. Will you eat something, now?”
I shake my head. Still not hungry.
“Leah. It’s been almost two days. You’ve got to eat something. Coffee? I’ll settle for you just drinking coffee right now,”she tries to negotiate.
My head spins, no doubt from lack of sustenance. “Fine. Coffee.”
She jumps up, startling Nina almost as much as me. “Great! Take a shower. We’re going down to the shop for coffee.”
“Now wait a minute. That’s not part of the deal!” I argue.
She smiles broadly. “You said to coffee. You didn’t say where.”
“You tricked me. That’s not cool,” I reprimand her.
She shrugs her shoulders. “You know what iscool? A nice cold iced coffee. Now git!”
~*~
“I’m not ready for this, guys.”
We sit in the car, parked in front of my coffee shop, The Coffee Bean.
Courtney disregards me and steps out of the car, lifting her seat so Nina can exit as well, leaving me as the only occupant. They enter the store and leave me to wallow in my own self-pity.
It’s not even a full minute before the first text comes in.
The barista just screwed up my drink.
I quickly disregard it, adding it to the full inbox of messages of missed texts from Will and at least a dozen voicemails from his cell. They started almost immediately after I’d left Salem. I haven’t been in the right headspace to listen to them or read them yet. I’m not sure if I ever will be.
Another text chimes in.
Nina says her coffee tastes burnt.
Ugh. You have got to be kidding me!
I slam the car door closed behind me and enter my shop. I have my signature Baltimore Orioles cap on and some sunglasses but the employees spot me right away.
