by Emily Forbes
‘When I’m groggy from the anaesthetic and not thinking straight?’
‘Something like that,’ she said with a smile, as she kissed him on the cheek and sat back in the wheelchair. ‘But don’t think this discussion is over.’
* * *
Jess got up again to fetch another drink from the water cooler in the corner of the oncologist’s waiting room. Cam had offered to fetch it for her as her coughing fit showed no signs of abating, but his wife seemed to be having trouble sitting still.
Cam knew she was on edge. She always went into these appointments expecting the worst, and he always sat there feeling useless and wishing there was something he could do to fix everything. And today was worse than usual due to the added stress over Kitty and the baby after yesterday’s assault.
‘I’m sure it’s going to be fine,’ he said, trying to reassure her while knowing that was near impossible. For two years after she’d undergone the hysterectomy for uterine cancer Jess had been having follow-up reviews every three months, but these were now being stretched out to every six months and as far as Cam could work out that was a positive sign. Everything had been fine six months ago, and in his mind there was no reason to think anything would be different this time. But he knew that Jess’s mind worked differently from his. ‘We’ll have the check-up, and then we can go and collect Kitty.’
He was hoping distraction would work as a technique. Kitty was being discharged today and she was waiting for Cam and Jess to collect her after this appointment. Cam hoped that if Jess was thinking about Kitty while they waited to see the specialist perhaps she wouldn’t dwell on her own situation. Waiting was always the worst part. The sooner Jess got in to see the doctor the sooner they’d hear good news and the sooner things would be back to normal.
He held her hand and gave it a squeeze. He waited for her to look at him and then he smiled. She smiled back but he could see the effort it cost her and his heart ached. He wished he could relieve all her worries. He loved her and he hated to see her worried or stressed, and he hated feeling so helpless. Not for the first time he wished that he had been the one who had cancer. He would much prefer to have been the one to suffer rather than watching Jess suffer. Her diagnosis had taken a toll on both of them. He didn’t imagine that the same wouldn’t have been true in the reverse situation but he’d still rather be the one suffering the physical and emotional pain if it meant sparing Jess that burden.
‘Jess?’ Dr Tennant called them into the consulting room just as Jess started coughing again. She drained the cup of water and refilled it before entering the room as Cam held the door for her. ‘How are you feeling?’ the oncologist asked as they sat down.
‘Tired,’ Jess replied, and Cam felt a flicker of concern. Jess hadn’t mentioned that to him. ‘I’ve been decorating a nursery,’ she continued, and Cam saw that she was smiling and he relaxed. Her fatigue was simply a result of physical activity. ‘The surrogacy worked,’ Jess said. She’d talked of nothing else at the last oncology appointment. ‘We’re expecting a baby. My sister is the surrogate.’
‘Congratulations! How far along is she?’
‘Twenty-eight weeks,’ Jess said, before another bout of coughing caught up with her.
Dr Tennant was watching Jess closely and Cam saw her make a note in Jess’s file.
‘Is that the only reason you’re tired?’ she queried.
Jess shrugged. ‘I’m not sleeping that well. This cough is bugging me.’
Cam’s concern spiked again. He knew Jess’s cough woke her during the night—it woke them both—but he’d thought she always managed to get back to sleep.
‘How long have you had it?’
‘I’m not sure. A few weeks?’ Jess said, as she looked at Cam for confirmation.
He nodded but then stopped to think. ‘Maybe longer,’ he suggested. He’d got used to it, they both had, and he couldn’t really remember exactly when it had started. With all the excitement over the pregnancy they’d probably both ignored it but the expression on the doctor’s face was bothering him. They’d ignored the cough but the doctor looked like she didn’t think it was nothing.
‘Hop on the scales for me,’ Dr Tennant instructed.
‘You’ve lost weight,’ she said, as Jess got off the scales and slipped her shoes back on. And Cam felt the first real flicker of alarm building in his chest.
CHAPTER SIX
JESS KNEW SHE’D lost weight recently. She’d tried to increase her portion sizes to counteract it but her appetite hadn’t been great and she rarely finished a meal.
‘Any other changes?’ the doctor continued. ‘Headaches? Chest pain? Unusual bleeding? Shortness of breath?’
‘Headaches,’ she admitted.
‘Headaches?’ Cam repeated. It was no wonder he sounded surprised. She hadn’t said anything to him about the headaches, presumably because she hadn’t wanted him to worry.
‘Just a few,’ she said, trying to wipe out the worry in Cam’s eyes, although if she was honest it was more like one, constant, dull headache in the background of her life, which occasionally got worse before settling again.
Dr Tennant popped a stethoscope into her ears and listened to Jess’s chest. ‘Deep breaths,’ she instructed. ‘No temperature?’ she queried as she packed the stethoscope away.
Jess shook her head.
‘Is your cough productive?’
Jess nodded.
‘OK. I’d like to send off a sputum sample and I’m also going to send you for a CT scan of your chest.’
‘What are you looking for?’
‘What do you think it is?’ Jess and Cam spoke in unison. Jess was worried now and she slipped her hand into Cam’s, needing the security of his touch, even though it wasn’t going to affect the oncologist’s answer.
‘I’m not going to hazard a guess without more information. We’ll run some tests and then I’ll discuss the results with you when I get them.’
She drew some blood and took a sputum sample before printing out a referral for the CT scan. Jess’s hand was shaking as she took the piece of paper.
Cam kept hold of her hand as they left the doctor’s office. Jess didn’t think she would have made it out of there without his support.
‘Do you want to grab something to eat before we collect Kitty?’ Cam asked.
Jess shook her head. ‘No, I’m not hungry. And please don’t say anything to Kitty about the tests,’ she said as they took the lift to Kitty’s floor. ‘She’s still recovering from the attack and I don’t want her to worry about something that will hopefully be nothing.’
But that didn’t stop her palms from sweating and her heart from racing. She tried to keep calm, tried to keep her composure. She didn’t want to upset Cam or Kitty, but she was worried. She’d been worried for a while but had been trying to ignore her symptoms by focussing on Kitty’s pregnancy, on their baby, but the truth was she hadn’t been feeling well and had been pretending everything was fine. That was why she’d been edgier than normal today—she knew Cam had noticed—because she’d been expecting bad news. She hadn’t got it yet but she certainly hadn’t been reassured by anything the oncologist had said. Dr Tennant hadn’t needed to spell it out for her. She knew she was on borrowed time.
* * *
Kitty stepped out of Cam’s car as he pulled to a stop in front of Joe’s building. She had spent one night at her sister’s house after she’d been discharged from hospital but now she had convinced Joe to let her nurse him. She hovered over him as he gingerly unfolded himself from the back seat. The hospital was only a ten-minute drive from his house but the whole process of discharge appeared to have taken its toll. Kitty could see the little tell-tale lines of pain gathering at the corners of his mouth. She needed to get him upstairs and get some painkillers into him.
She was pleased he had accepted her offer of help. She was pleas
ed, too, that things were over between him and Victoria, although she didn’t want to think about the sort of friend that made her—taking pleasure in the fact that Joe had just ended a relationship. But she didn’t feel too mean-spirited. Their break-up suited her—now she could have him to herself.
Cam carried Kitty’s small overnight bag up the stairs to Joe’s third-floor flat as Kitty continued to hover anxiously over Joe. He held his left hand against his stomach, over his wound, and took the stairs slowly but steadily.
‘Are you sure you don’t want to come and stay at our place, Joe?’ Cam asked when they reached his door. ‘We don’t have any stairs.’
‘I appreciate the offer, mate, but after two nights in hospital I’m really looking forward to being in my own bed.’
‘Fair enough, but the offer stands. You can take it up at any time if you change your mind.’
‘Is Jess OK with me staying here with Joe for a little while?’ Kitty asked as they went inside. ‘She doesn’t feel like I’m abandoning her?’
Cam hesitated before answering and Kitty held her breath. She hoped she wasn’t upsetting her sister by opting to look after Joe, but she really wanted to do this.
‘She’ll miss you,’ Cam replied eventually, ‘but she understands. Just don’t make it permanent, at least not while you’re pregnant. She feels more connected to the pregnancy if you’re under our roof.’
‘I know. I’ll be back before you know it. Tell her it won’t be for ever,’ Kitty said. Nothing in her life seemed to last for ever, so why would this living situation be any different?
‘Where do you want me to put your bag?’ Cam asked.
‘Put it in my room,’ Joe replied.
‘Leave it out here,’ Kitty said at the same time. ‘I’ll sleep on the couch.’
‘You’re kidding, aren’t you?’ Joe remarked.
‘Why not? I did before,’ Kitty replied.
‘This is different now. You’re pregnant.’
‘All right, I’ll leave you to sort that out. I’m going to get home to Jess,’ Cam said as he backed out of the flat.
‘Thanks for the lift, Cam,’ Kitty said. ‘Tell Jess I’ll pop over to see her tomorrow.’
Cam looked as if he was about to say something in response and Kitty waited, but he seemed to change his mind and just nodded and turned away. Kitty shrugged her shoulders as he closed the door, wondering if she’d imagined the look in his eyes—almost as though he was debating whether or not to say more. He knew where to find her, she supposed, as she turned back to continue her conversation with Joe.
‘I think, with your injuries, your bed is the best place for you. You even told Cam you were looking forward to being back in it.’
‘And I am. But I thought we’d share.’
‘Share?’
‘Yeah. It’s a king-size, there’s plenty of room for both of us.’
Maybe, Kitty thought, but that was before I started thinking about kissing you. Before my pregnancy hormones made me think about sex twenty-four seven. Before I wanted to tear your clothes off...
For a moment she wondered how this was going to work. She couldn’t imagine sleeping peacefully next to him, not with her rampaging hormones. But he was injured—that should dampen his libido—and he hadn’t shown any signs of wanting to get down and dirty with her anyway, so she’d just have to rein her hormones in and keep her hands to herself. It could be a long six weeks. But Joe wasn’t waiting for her to mentally process the situation. He was still talking.
‘...to help.’
‘Sorry, what did you say?’
‘I appreciate you offering to help me out for the next few weeks but I’m only accepting on the condition that you sleep in my bed. I meant it when I said I wasn’t going to let you take the couch. If I thought I’d get any sleep on the sofa I’d take it, but there’s room for us both in the bed. Although if you think it will be a problem, I can organise a home nurse to come in once a day to give me a hand.’
The new, crazily hormonal, pregnant Kitty knew it would test her reserves but she had offered to help. She’d have to summon up the old Kitty and block out all the crazy daydreams and fantasies.
‘Of course we’ll manage,’ she said as she settled Joe on the couch and busied herself with some housework. She put fresh sheets on the bed and put a load of dirty sheets into the washing machine. She put the kettle on and prepared a simple dinner—omelettes and salad—and pretended everything was completely normal.
Joe was back on the couch after dinner but Kitty’s head was aching. Trying to keep busy and avoid sitting down with Joe had its downsides. She’d overdone it when she should have been resting too, and now she was paying the price. It was time for some paracetamol and bed.
She yawned and stretched. ‘I think I might call it a night. Will you be able to get yourself undressed if I go to bed now?’
‘I’ll be fine,’ he said. He was wearing tracksuit pants and a T-shirt that he could pull over his head with one hand. They weren’t difficult clothes to get out of. In fact, perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea if he didn’t get undressed.
Kitty changed into an oversized T-shirt and swallowed a couple of painkillers. If she’d imagined she and Joe would be sharing a bed she would have packed a pair of pyjama bottoms but she didn’t currently have any that fitted comfortably. Her expanding waistline made everything too tight. She climbed into bed after first working out what side Joe slept on—there was a charging dock for his phone and a couple of books on the left-hand side of the bed, so Kitty opted for the right side—and pulled the covers up to disguise the fact that she was almost naked.
* * *
She woke to find herself spooning in Joe’s arms. His left arm was draped across her, resting on her stomach. He was warm and she was comfortable and she couldn’t see the harm in lying there for a few moments while she enjoyed the feel of him. She imagined she could feel his heart beating against her back. She wondered if he was awake. She listened to the sound of his breathing, trying to judge. She was tempted to roll over. Tempted to see what he was wearing.
She could feel his breath on her neck and his stubble was rough on her skin. She liked the feel of it. She was aware of everything. She could even feel each of his fingertips through her shirt where they rested against her belly. It felt good to be lying in his arms. Too good.
She wondered what would happen if she rolled over. They would be lying inches apart. Less.
What would happen? Would he kiss her? Would he back away if she kissed him?
The baby moved, interrupting her train of thought and bringing her back to reality with a sharp and carefully placed kick. She felt the baby push against her belly. Against Joe’s hand.
‘Was that the baby?’
He was awake.
Suddenly she was more conscious of the position they were in. It had felt comfortable when she’d thought he was asleep, but now she was aware of how intimate it actually was. But it was too late to worry about that now.
She could feel the baby’s leg pushing sideways, distending her belly. What would the old Kitty have done in this situation? She summoned up those memories of a simpler time and interlaced her fingers with Joe’s. She moved his hand slightly, holding it over the baby’s foot. ‘She’s doing her morning exercises,’ she told him.
Joe could hear the smile in Kitty’s voice. He hadn’t meant to wake in this position but he wasn’t complaining. As always, she fitted just perfectly into his embrace, even if this position was far from their usual.
He’d been awake for several minutes, lying quietly, enjoying the feeling of having Kitty in his arms, trying not to wake her. He had no idea if he’d ever get this chance again.
She smelt fantastic. He closed his eyes and breathed in her familiar vanilla scent. She smelt like she felt—warm and soft and sweet. He wanted to bury himself in her. Inhale her,
breathe her in, not let her go.
He’d expected her to wake and move out of his arms immediately. He’d expected her to be flustered, embarrassed, affronted, all manner of things, but he hadn’t expected this. This intimacy, this easiness.
Her hips were pressed in against him. Or he was pressed against her. He could feel his erection nestled in the cleft in her buttocks, but as far as he could tell Kitty hadn’t noticed. Perhaps she was too distracted by the baby’s movements. It was incredible to think that Kitty would be having this experience several times a day. That she had a tiny human growing inside her.
Even though he was doing his best to be supportive, he still wasn’t thrilled about the fears for the future that this pregnancy brought up, but he had to admit he was grateful to the baby right now. If it hadn’t started moving he suspected Kitty would have been up and out of bed before she’d even woken properly once she realised the position they were in, but half-asleep and still relaxed, she seemed happy to lie there.
He could feel her body heat radiating through her shirt and into his hand and against his chest. She was like a little hot-water bottle. He knew the pregnancy was raising her body temperature. His was raised too, and he knew what was causing that. Heat and desire surged through him.
Waking in this position felt extremely intimate. Intimate and sensual. It made him think about waking like this every morning and how that would feel. He never usually thought into the future like that. He lived in the moment as far as intimacy was concerned, never imagining that his relationships could develop into something permanent. He knew that was one of his major character flaws: an inability to commit.
Lord knew, neither of his parents seemed to be able to manage it. Why would he be any different? But for the first time ever, the idea of waking up every day with a woman in his bed, in his arms, didn’t frighten the life out of him.
He knew the reason was because of the woman.
This wasn’t about him and his failings—Kitty made him want to try to be a better man. He wanted to try to be the man she needed.
