by Emily Forbes
‘Don’t be in too much of a hurry, I’ve got a while to go yet!’ Kitty wasn’t ready for the pregnancy to end yet. The baby wasn’t due for another eleven weeks or so, and she wasn’t quite ready to give the baby up.
‘I know,’ Jess replied. ‘But I needed something to keep me busy. How is everything going in there?’ She asked as she put her hand on Kitty’s belly. Kitty was getting used to people touching her stomach without asking. Everyone seemed to think of it as separate from her and didn’t seem to think they needed permission. But in this case Kitty didn’t mind. Jess definitely didn’t need permission. After all, the baby was hers.
‘Are you positive you’re fine after the incident? Both of you?’
Kitty nodded. ‘I’m sure. I’ve got a few bruises and a dull headache still, but the baby is perfectly fine.’
‘Your shape has changed,’ Jess said as she took her hand off Kitty’s tummy. ‘That seems to have happened quickly.’
Kitty saw a flash of something on her sister’s face but she didn’t have time to work out what it was. Sadness? Regret? Anxiety? Distress?
Kitty remembered Cam’s expression of the day before. The similarities between his expression and Jess’s now didn’t go unnoticed. Maybe staying at Joe’s wasn’t the right thing to do. She knew Jess wanted—needed—to feel connected to the pregnancy. Maybe she should be here? But Joe needed her too. Kitty was torn. She wasn’t used to having so many people relying on her.
‘Is everything OK?’ she asked. ‘Do you want me to move back in? Joe can organise for a home nurse,’ she offered but hoped, at the same time, that Jess would refuse her suggestion. How could she tell who needed her more? It made her concussed brain hurt even more just thinking about what to do.
‘No, don’t be silly,’ Jess said as she ushered Kitty out of the room. She was back to her usual no-nonsense organised self as she hustled to the kitchen and flicked on the kettle, and Kitty breathed a sigh of relief as she shrugged off the incident. Perhaps she’d imagined Jess’s look of distress. She chose to ignore it for the moment. It was easier to pretend it hadn’t happened than to think about having to make a choice. If she had to choose between Joe and Jess she wasn’t sure what she’d do at the moment. They were both important to her. They were the most important people in her world. The two of them and the baby.
‘So, how is Joe?’ Jess asked as she poured boiling water into two mugs and dropped bags of green tea into the liquid before letting it steep.
Kitty realised she wanted to tell Jess about what had happened. She was too excited to keep it to herself. She’d finally had sex with Joe, made love to him, and it was every bit as good as she’d been imagining over the past few weeks. Better, even.
‘Why are you smiling like that? What’s happened?’
Kitty hadn’t realised she was smiling.
‘I had sex with Joe,’ she admitted.
‘What! Oh, my God!’ Jess dropped the packet of biscuits she was opening but appeared to gather her wits as she picked up the fallen cookies. She was grinning when she looked back up at Kitty. ‘It’s about time. How was it? I hope it was brilliant.’
‘What do you mean, “It’s about time”?’
‘Cam and I have been hoping the two of you would get together, but we were beginning to think it would never happen.’
‘You’ve talked about this?’
‘Of course,’ Jess said as she put the untainted biscuits on a plate on the kitchen table. ‘We love Joe. The two of you would be perfect together, but we were worried that you were destined to be friends and only friends for ever.’
Kitty was worried that she might have ruined their friendship. ‘Do you think we can have sex and still be friends?’
‘Of course. Cam and I are friends.’
‘You’re friends now but you weren’t friends before you started dating.’
‘That’s true. But you and Joe have so much history. You don’t have to worry about all the getting-to-know-you stuff. You already know you like him. Starting from friends is no problem. Not unless you end up making it one.’
Kitty knew Jess was speaking from experience. She knew what Kitty was like. She knew her tendencies. How she overthought everything and always feared the worst. The trouble was, the worst often happened.
‘I don’t want it to be a problem,’ she said as Jess threw out the tea bags and passed her the cup. ‘I’d like to think it could work, but what if it doesn’t?’
‘What would be worse,’ Jess asked, ‘giving it a go and finding out that it might be the best decision you ever made, or being too worried about what might go wrong that you miss out completely? From where I’m sitting it looks like you’ve chosen option one already.’
‘You forgot option three.’
‘Which is?’
‘Being brave and then it ends in total disaster anyway.’
‘Are you sorry you slept with him?’
How could she be sorry? It was the best sex she’d ever had.
Kitty shook her head. She didn’t regret what they’d done but all the doubts were threatening to take the gloss off the experience.
‘And he doesn’t seem sorry either?’ Jess asked.
Kitty shook her head again.
‘And are you happy right now?’
She was going to say she wasn’t sure, but she closed her eyes and she could see Joe’s face. She could feel his hands on her body. His lips on her skin. It had felt right then and the memory felt right now. ‘Yes.’
‘Then I think you should relax. Don’t overthink things, have some fun. So tell me—what was he like?’ Jess was smiling.
Kitty sighed, still lost in her memories of last night. ‘He was perfect.’
* * *
Joe was lying on the couch when Kitty let herself back in through his front door. He was barefoot and shirtless, and Kitty felt her libido kick into gear as she let her eyes roam over him.
She’d picked up a pizza on her way back and Joe sat up as she put the box on the coffee table. He grimaced as he moved despite the fact that he was holding his left hand over his abdominal wound, and Kitty remembered she hadn’t got around to changing his dressing earlier.
‘You came back.’
‘Of course.’ She frowned, not understanding. ‘Why wouldn’t I?’
‘I was worried you might think we’d made a mistake this morning.’
That one simple sentence highlighted just how well he knew her. They’d been friends for so long that she sometimes felt he knew her better than she knew herself. She had been worrying about that. She’d worried that the painkillers had made them reckless, worried they might have ruined their friendship. She always thought of reasons why things wouldn’t work, rather than thinking of all the reasons they could. ‘Have we?’
‘No.’ He shook his head and pulled her down onto the couch beside him.
‘You don’t think we might ruin our friendship?’
‘I’d like to think we can always be friends.’
‘With benefits?’ she asked.
Joe smiled at her, the familiar dimple appearing in his chin, and Kitty’s stomach somersaulted.
‘So I take it you enjoyed it?’ he said as he reached out and ran his thumb down her cheek, tracing the line of her jaw, and trailed it across to her lips.
She could feel the heat radiating off him and her heart began to race. ‘You know I did.’
His thumb moved back towards her cheek and he slid his fingers around behind her neck, cupping the back of her head. ‘I promise we will always be friends. Things don’t need to get awkward.’
She didn’t think he could make that promise, but she also didn’t think she could resist the silent overtures he was making. Sleeping with him once wasn’t going to be enough for her.
He pulled her towards him and kissed her soundly, the pizza forgotten
in its box on the table.
Kitty wondered if things were being changed for ever by their actions today, but she didn’t care. It was a risk she was prepared to take, she thought as she gave herself up to him again.
* * *
‘Hello, Jess. Cameron. How are you both?’ Dr Tennant showed them to the chairs and waited until they both sat down before she started speaking. Jess noticed that the chairs were pushed very close together, as if the oncologist knew that Jess was going to need to be able to reach for Cam—as if she was going to need his support—and she knew what was coming next. ‘I’m afraid I don’t have good news for you.’
The room felt as though it was spinning, making Jess feel ill. She closed her eyes and reached out for Cam’s hand. She felt his fingers wrap around hers and only then was she able to breathe again. She took a deep breath, opened her eyes and waited.
‘The cancer has spread to your lungs, and there are some metastases in your brain as well.’
Jess fought back tears. She’d been expecting bad news, she’d felt it in her bones, which was ridiculous seeing as the doctor was telling her the cancer had spread to her lungs and brain, but she’d known something was wrong and she’d told herself she would be strong. For Cam’s sake. But it was hard, almost impossible.
She wasn’t strong.
‘What do we do?’ Cam asked.
‘Treatment-wise our options are very limited.’
‘What does that mean? Very limited?’
Cam was asking the questions, which was good as Jess couldn’t speak. Fear of the future had frozen her tongue. But she didn’t need to ask questions. She knew what it meant. She could feel it.
‘It’s difficult because of where it has spread to.’
‘Can you get rid of it? Can you operate?’
The oncologist was shaking her head. ‘It’s inoperable. The cancer is in both lungs and the brain. What it means is that treatment will focus on relieving Jess’s symptoms, but we won’t be able to cure it. I’m sorry. The best we can do is try to slow the spread.’
‘With what?’
‘Chemotherapy or radiotherapy. But any treatment will be palliative only.’
‘Buying me time?’ Jess found her voice and it caught in her throat as she spoke. ‘Is that all you can do?’
The oncologist nodded. ‘That’s right. I’m very sorry.’
The doctor kept apologising but Jess barely heard her. All she heard was that the cancer had returned and she was on borrowed time.
‘How long do I have?’
‘With or without treatment?’
‘Without.’
‘Jess—’ Cam started to speak but Jess stopped him.
‘No, Cam, please, just listen. There is no cure, no fix and I really don’t think I can go through chemo again. I need to know what my options are.’ As an expectant mother, she would do whatever it took to ensure she got to hold her child, but she didn’t want to be so sick from chemo that she couldn’t enjoy the experience. Dr Tennant was telling her that treatment was palliative only. It wasn’t going to give her any longer on this earth and therefore she needed to weigh up the positives and the negatives. ‘My choice very much depends on what I can expect to gain from treatment. But it is my choice.’
She turned back to Dr Tennant. ‘How long do I have?’ she repeated.
‘That’s hard to say. The cancer is spreading rapidly. Weeks certainly. Months maybe.’
Weeks.
Kitty was thirty weeks pregnant. Jess couldn’t let go now. ‘You have to keep me alive for another ten weeks. I have to see my baby.’ Her voice broke and she was shaking violently as tears spilled over her lashes onto her cheeks. ‘I need to hold my baby. Please. Even just once. Tell me what I have to do.’
‘Thoracic radiotherapy is your best option,’ the oncologist suggested.
‘Radiotherapy?’ Cam queried. ‘Not chemo?’
‘Chemo is an option but not your best one,’ the doctor spoke to Jess. ‘The dose would be high, which means a higher level of toxicity. That would be OK if you were otherwise well, but you have other symptoms. In your case, radiotherapy will be more appropriate.’
‘What about side effects?’ Cam asked. Despite the fact that the treatment would be palliative and meant to give Jess relief from pain they both knew there were always side effects.
‘The shortness of breath may get worse,’ Dr Tennant said, ‘and patients often have trouble swallowing, which can make eating difficult obviously. Also, if the radiation is given close to the stomach then you may experience nausea. But studies have shown that the level of comfort provided or the quality of life can be extended by about fifty per cent. I can’t give you any guarantees but radiotherapy is your best chance of getting some relief.’
‘So maybe some relief but not more time?’ Jess said. This list didn’t sound that different from the symptoms she was already experiencing. She wondered if it was worth it.
Dr Tennant shook her head. ‘No. Time is something I can’t give you.’
‘I’ll need to think about it,’ Jess replied. ‘Have I got time to do that?’
‘Yes. Radiotherapy is not going to change the outcome. All I can offer you is some relief. It’s up to you when you need that.’
‘What are we going to tell Kitty?’ Cam asked as they left the hospital. He had his arm around his wife, supporting her.
‘Nothing,’ Jess replied. ‘Not yet.’ She was still shaking even though she wasn’t cold, and she knew enough to recognise it as a manifestation of shock. She clung to Cam’s hand, needing some of his strength. She wasn’t strong enough to face this without him and she prayed he would support her decision about Kitty too.
‘We can’t keep this a secret.’
Jess realised that, but she needed time to process what she’d just heard and work out how to tell her sister. She had always appreciated the fact that Dr Tennant had never sugar-coated her opinion. She dealt in facts. But now the facts weren’t what Jess wanted to hear. Now she realised exactly what the term harsh reality meant. Next she had to figure out how to deal with it. ‘Please,’ she begged. ‘I need some time to work out what to say. You know how Kitty gets with bad news. She won’t handle it well, and I’m worried about the baby.’
‘The baby will be fine. Kitty is thirty weeks along,’ Cam argued.
‘I know but Kitty still needs to eat, rest and keep her strength up. I need her focussing on the baby, not on me. Just for a little bit longer. Please? And if we tell her now she’ll want to move back in to be with me, and I think she should stay with Joe. Their relationship is only new. I don’t want this news to jeopardise that for her. She’s going to need Joe’s support.’
‘OK,’ Cam agreed, ‘but if you decide you’re going to start radiotherapy, we’re telling Kitty.’
Jess nodded. She’d agree for now to get her way and worry about everything else later.
* * *
Kitty put her key in the lock and let herself into Joe’s place. She was starving, and something someone in the building was cooking smelt fantastic. She’d just had her first day back at work after the assault, and was looking forward to seeing Joe. They’d spent every night and most of every day together for the past two weeks and she’d missed him today when she’d gone back to work. It was good to be home.
Home.
This wasn’t home. It was familiar and she’d spent plenty of time here, but it wasn’t home. But it was starting to feel like it.
Could it be?
No. She shook her head as she closed the door. Joe wasn’t the settling-down sort. She knew he didn’t believe in serious commitment. He’d always said serious was not for him. She wondered, once again, if they’d made a mistake by sleeping together. Had they complicated their relationship? Was she risking their friendship for what could only be a dalliance? Joe wasn’t going to make a long-ter
m commitment. Not to her, not to anyone, and yet that was what she desired more than anything. There was no way she was going to survive if she ruined her relationship with Joe. He was too important. She wondered how they would get through this. Who would leave first?
It didn’t bear thinking about.
She dumped her handbag on the chair by the front door as Joe stepped into the foyer. He was smiling at her and she promptly forgot all her concerns. His smile had always made her feel better and now it made her feel special.
‘Hey, how was your day?’ he asked as he greeted her with a kiss.
She could get used to this, she thought. ‘Work was OK, but I missed you,’ she replied honestly. Just because she knew they ultimately wanted different things was no reason to pretend she felt differently.
‘I missed you too,’ he said. His ran his left hand over the curve of her buttock as he nuzzled her neck, kissing the side of her throat.
She leant into him. ‘What did you do all day?’
‘I rang work to see when I can go back.’
Kitty straightened up and looked Joe in the eye. ‘You remember the surgeon said six weeks minimum, don’t you? It’s only been just over two.’
‘Yes, but I thought I’d be able to do some office work. There always seems to be someone on light duties, I figured it’s my turn now. I’ll go crazy stuck at home alone now that you’re back at work.’
Kitty loved the idea that he was missing her, that he was lonely without her. Maybe this relationship could work. ‘I start maternity leave in four weeks. I’ll be around constantly then. You might get sick of me.’
‘I don’t think so,’ he said as he pulled her back towards him and kissed her again. ‘But work said they’d find me light duties if the surgeon gives me clearance, so I made an appointment with her for next Tuesday. I thought I’d hitch a lift to work and the hospital with you that morning. I checked your roster and you’re on an early.’
