by Lee Wardlow
She went to the bedroom and changed into her pajamas and got her comforting blanket. It was weighted and made the ache in her bones feel better. She grabbed a notebook out of her nightstand drawer and a pen and headed to the recliner. She was tired but thought she might write a little too before she possibly took a nap.
Snuggled in the chair with the dogs, she rambled on paper like she did in real life. The words made sense to her though, if no one else.
I’ve lost me.
I’ve been Josh’s wife.
Heath and Ally’s mother.
Joshua’s grandmother.
A business owner.
A partner.
A best friend.
But me? Where have I been?
I’ve lost what makes me, me.
The things that I love I’ve forgotten to take care of.
Not Josh’s fault.
Heath or Ally’s.
It’s my fault.
Cancer reminded me of what I lost.
Of what I needed to find.
Whether through word or art. I need to find that girl I once knew who wasn’t bitter and angry because she got cancer and chemo is killing her or it feels like it is.
I get so tired. My energy is gone.
My bald head. I have nothing I can even say about it except thank you Roman for shaving yours too. It made it easier when you shaved mine.
So, what is good about this life of mine right now?
Josh is an amazing husband. Friend, partner, lover.
I have two healthy, happy children.
I have Hannah too. She is a wonderful mother to my grandson. The best wife to my son.
Joshua brought out a whole new level of love in me that I can’t explain. His smile melts me. Truth be told if in the same situation, I would have brought him home from college too if asked. I’m sorry Heath. I’ll be just like my mom and dad.
Sophie wiped away a tear.
I have the best friends in the world. Supportive and comforting. Kai and Micki. Their husbands too.
A new friend in Deandra and her husband Will.
My parents and in-laws who have always been loving and supportive of me.
My brother Ross and his family.
I will beat this disease. I will survive this hell.
Walking into Russack today I felt out of place. I no longer belong there. Maybe there is a different path God has in store for me. That’s not such a bad, thing, is it?
Now to find my way.
Now to tell Josh.
Sophie was getting sleepy. She closed the notebook and sat it on the solid, pine end table beside her chair. Her dad had made the matching set of tables a long time ago. They meant more to her than the expensive furniture that she and Josh had purchased. She snuggled the dogs beneath the blanket and closed her eyes. Sophie felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest.
Chapter 16
Josh
Sophie was asleep in the recliner when he got home. He left the office early worried about her. There was a reason she had come to the office. When his call was finished, Josh had gone to the receptionist area and assumed Jagger had taken her home since they were both gone. He went to the kitchen and Ally was moping, so he avoided her. Two Russack women in a bad mood was more than he could bare.
He went straight to the kitchen thinking he would start dinner. He father-in-law had told him he brought food over earlier and stuck bags of it in the fridge. Sophie hadn’t even heard him. He had shushed the puppies. Not even their whimpering had woken her.
Josh laid her drawing materials on the breakfast table and started something simple. That was about all he could handle except grilling. Too cold tonight, too grill outside. Spaghetti with a jar of alfredo sauce. He took it out of the bag his mother had already prepared for him. All he had to do was warm it up. He followed her instructions, taped on the Tupperware lid.
Then he sat at the table, with his plate of food and stared out into the backyard eating alone. He was doing this more and more often these days. He missed eating with Sophie and the kids. He missed his family.
Heath had his own life. Ally had her whatever it was that her eighteen-year-old self, thought she was doing. He didn’t even know or want to contemplate it. It was too scary for him.
He had heard bits and pieces of the conversation with Brian this afternoon before he got on the long call with the mayor of Cooper. They were discussing Russack taking over the town’s maintenance. It was a large deal that he wasn’t sure he could handle right now. He talked with Jagger about it before he left. He was going to put together a proposal this weekend, what he thought the cost to Russack would be. The resources required based on the details the mayor had told him. Jagger was going to do the profit analysis too. He was grateful he had this young man. He was doing the legwork that he didn’t have the heart to do anymore. Josh was worn down.
Sophie’s hand on his shoulder startled him. “You’re awake.” He gazed up at her. “You want some of this?”
“No. I’ll grab some of the oatmeal your mom made. I guess dad brought it here? I left it in his car.”
“He did. He was a little concerned that you didn’t wake up.”
“I was exhausted, Josh.”
She waited by the microwave that hung over the stove. The oatmeal mixed with fruit was in a bowl spinning round and round. Sophie glanced at him. “What’s wrong?”
“Just tired.”
“Who were you on the phone with this afternoon?” She asked. The microwave dinged, and Sophie removed her bowl. She stirred the contents making sure everything was evenly heated then she joined Josh at the table.
“The mayor. He wants a proposal on Monday morning from us about taking over the maintenance of the town.”
She was shocked he could see. “You don’t want to do it.” Sophie blew on her spoon full of oatmeal. She apparently had warmed it a little too much.
“How do you know that?” Josh asked her.
She shook her head at him. “Josh, as long as we’ve been together…I know those little inflections in your tone of voice and what they mean.”
He sighed. “Why did you stop by the office today. I was surprised to see you.”
“Dad had given me a hard, time about being so grumpy. I just wanted to see you.”
Josh frowned at her and laid his fork on his plate. “That isn’t good. You’re going through a lot.”
She smiled at him. “It’s fine babe. I know I’ve been a bear.”
She was eating oatmeal with bananas and apples pureed mixed in. Josh leaned over a little and looked in her bowl. “What is that?”
“Oatmeal with what I would swear is baby food, but your mom said is pureed fruit.”
He chuckled. “Dad said she’s been trying different things on him to give to you. Some not so good.”
Sophie took a bite while she shook her head at Josh. “Your poor dad. I feel sorry for him being your Mom’s guinea pig on my account.”
“She’s worried about you. Thinks you’re getting too scrawny. Mom said losing too much weight is not good.”
Sophie laid her spoon down. “Do you guys just sit around and talk about me?”
“No,” Josh frowned at her. “Sophie, we’re all worried about you. We’ll be glad when this is over.”
“No one more than me.” She took another bite. “Some people don’t lose weight. Some gain. I’m just lucky I guess.”
“How much have you lost?” Josh asked.
“Madge weighed me today. I think maybe when I was twelve I might have weighed what I did today.”
Josh breathed in and blew the air threw his lips. “That bad.”
“One O eight,” she told him.
“Damn, Sophie,” he whispered.
“Well, we have something else I can eat to relieve poor Marcy of keeping me in rice pudding. I love this oatmeal with pureed fruit and the mac and cheese, your mom made.”
Josh glanced across at his wife. “I’m certainly glad something is appealin
g to you. I know it hasn’t been easy. Want to try some of this?” He extended his fork to her.
“I’ll stick with my oatmeal.”
They were quiet for a while. Then she told him what she was thinking about Russack Landscaping and how it felt being there today.
Josh laid his fork on his plate. “Sophie, you’ve been my partner for fifteen years. That is still your spot, and no one can replace you.”
She laid her hand on his thigh. “I understand what you’re saying but I feel like this was an awakening for me. I stopped doing anything creative that I used to do.”
Josh looked away.
“Would you be upset if I didn’t come back?”
He turned back to her. “I miss you not being there,” he admitted. “It’s not the same but Soph, it’s about what you want now.” Josh covered Sophie’s hand where it rested on his leg.
“I don’t know what that is yet, but I’ll figure it out.”
He leaned over, and she met him halfway. His lips brushed across hers. “I love you, Sophie. I just want you to be here when I come home at the end of the day. That is most important to me.”
She frowned at him. “I’ll be fine, Josh.”
“You aren’t changing your mind about us?” He asked.
“God, no, Josh.” She smiled at him, that smile that reached her eyes for the first time in months. “I love you, silly man so much. You’re never getting rid of me.”
He laughed at her. Then he scooped her up and sat her in his lap, holding her close. “Josh, one more thing.”
With a heavy sigh, he said, “What else?”
“Dad and Heath are taking me to chemo on Friday.”
He raised his head and looked at her with a deep scowl that left an indent between his brows. “Why?”
“Because they think it’s taking a toll on you too. You need a break, babe.”
He snorted. “I don’t think they understand what happens to you with these chemo treatments. The anti-nausea meds don’t seem to work. You get worse with each one, Sophie.”
He didn’t like this new plan. She turned a little and cupped Josh’s face between her palms. “I think they are right. Just skip this one.”
Wrapping his arms around her waist, he tugged her closer to him. “How do I get anything done when I’ll be worried about you?”
She kissed his neck and whispered. “You’ll be okay. Do it for me. You have always been the relaxed one and you’re starting to show the strain now.”
He nodded. Reluctantly, he was agreeing. Josh had given a little by letting their parents take her for her fluids. He couldn’t be Superman and he didn’t have to be with so much help available to him, but the treatments were so hard on her. Worse than the typical patient experienced, Doctor Roberts noted at the last one. She had started coming to them, checking Sophie’s progress herself. She was thinking of changing some things to try to make it easier on her.
Sophie kissed his check and slipped onto her own chair. She finished her oatmeal while Josh was no longer hungry. She told him about her conversation with Jagger this afternoon while he was rinsing his plate.
“I caught some of Ally’s conversation with Brian. I don’t what she’s doing for Thanksgiving now,” Sophie informed Josh.
He stopped loading the dishwasher. “She left with Jagger tonight. She was going to his house to spend time with his mother and him. She likes his mother, a lot.”
“I heard that from him Jagger. I don’t know about this relationship, Josh. He’s eleven years older than her.”
“I get it.” He closed the door and sat down beside her. Cleo kept trying to untie his shoes. “Girl will you behave?” He snapped at the puppy. Then he glanced at Sophie as she popped the last bite of oatmeal into her mouth. Josh snatched her bowl out from under her and headed to the sink.
“I’m not helpless,” she declared.
“I never said you were.” He rinsed the bowl and dropped it in the dishwasher. “Want anything else?”
“I’m stuffed.” He rolled his eyes at that response.
“Come sit with me in the living room after I change. Let’s watch a movie together,” he suggested.
“All right.”
Josh went to the bedroom while Sophie let the puppies out. He stripped out of his work clothes and put on sweats and a long sleeved thermal. He felt tired down to his bones. He knew it was the stress and his father-in-law and son were right. A break from Sophie’s treatment would do him good but she didn’t get a break so why should he?
In the living room he sat in the corner of the sofa and found a movie they both wanted to watch. He glanced over his shoulder at his wife settled back in the recliner. Laying the remote on the table, he decided, she was sitting with him or he with her. He got up and stalked over to her chair. Her pale, blue eyes one of the prettiest things about her stared up at him in confusion. He grabbed her in his arms, startling her.
“Where do you want to be on the sofa or in the recliner?” He asked.
She laughed at him, then Sophie wrapped her arms around his neck. “Go to the sofa. You’ll be more comfortable.”
Josh walked back to the couch and sat down. He got Sophie settled where she was comfortable with her back against his chest and covered by the weighted blanket and they watched their movie with the dogs at their feet.
They fell asleep in each other’s arms before the movie was half way through. Maybe another time, they’d watch this movie or another one. Ally coming in at six o’clock in the morning woke them.
Sophie sat up on Josh’s thighs. She looked at the clock on the wall above the mantle. Then she looked at Josh who was still rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“It isn’t what you’re thinking,” Ally said.
“Then what is it?” Sophie asked.
“Jagger’s mom had a stroke last night. She died before the ambulance got there, Mom. I didn’t want to leave him alone when he doesn’t have anyone else. When I finally couldn’t stay awake anymore, he put me in his bed and he slept on the couch.”
Sophie glanced at Josh. “I’ll call him later.”
“How is he, Ally?” Sophie asked.
“Crushed,” she explained. “I’m going to go to bed for a while if you don’t need anything.”
“Go on,” Josh replied.
Sophie leaned into Josh and he put his arms around her. He kissed her head and held onto her. “I’m okay Josh.”
“I know,” he replied. “I’m just grateful that you are.”
Chapter 17
Sophie
Thanksgiving was a nightmare.
Joshua was cranky, and no one knew why. They thought maybe he was getting his one-year molars. Ally was home because Brian didn’t want her on campus before the biggest game of his college career and she was worse than Joshua.
Since she was home, she invited Jagger to dinner which Sophie and Josh agreed was a great idea otherwise he would have been alone, but he did nothing to improve her mood.
Ally and Sophie got into an argument which Josh had to break up. Jagger thought he should leave, and Ally wanted to go with him. Her father, forbade anyone to leave when they hadn’t even eaten yet.
Finally, they sat at the table. Josh’s father carved the turkey for Sophie’s dad because her mother thought he had torn his rotator cuff again.
“What about my appointment tomorrow? Maybe Josh should take me after all,” Sophie informed her dad.
“I can drive,” he snapped at her. “If you need help getting in the house, Heath is perfectly capable of doing that.”
“Where’s that sunny disposition Daddy?” She teased him.
“You can kiss my sunny disposition, Sophie Louise.” Her dad was as irritable as the rest of the grumpy ones.
She just laughed at her father.
“I can go too, if you think you’ll need me,” Josh’s dad offered.
“Look, you guys. I appreciate this, but it won’t take all three of you to get me to chemo and back home but thank you,”
she replied.
“Still not working?” Her father asked her, changing the subject. Sophie looked at Josh. He shrugged.
“Dad, I’m not going back to Russack. I don’t know what I want to do but something creative sounds really, good right now. If Josh needs me, of course I’ll help him, but I want to focus on me now. This cancer taught me that I have some talents I’ve been ignoring. I’d like to use them.”
“Drawing?” Her mother asked. She had some of her artwork hanging in her house.
“Yes, I’ve been doing that for the past week.”
“That’s wonderful,” Daisy was excited about Sophie’s renewed interest in the arts she used to be consumed by.
“We’ve even talked about a pottery wheel for the garage when I’m better.”
“I know how you loved that,” Maria replied. “I still have that vase you made me at Christmas when you were in high school.”
Her history with this people went back forever. She loved the support she had always received from them. This time would be no different.
“Mom, the town has never had a good art store. Why don’t you think about that? Maybe offer, a wine and arts night. A lot of places are doing that now,” Heath suggested.
She glanced at Josh. “We have plenty of land at Russack, maybe we could build there or look at some of the businesses for sale in town?”
She was suddenly feeling excited about the prospects. Things she hadn’t even given thought of yet.
“You could offer to sell local artists’ works too Mom,” Heath made another great suggestion. “I could keep your books for you, so you could focus on your business.”
She felt herself tearing up. It was something she had dreamed of as a high school student. She wanted her life to be about art, but she hadn’t decided what to do then she got pregnant with Heath. “Thank you, for this.” She reached out and took Josh’s hand. For always loving us and supporting us no matter what.”
“Sophie,” Brad said, clearly emotional himself. “You’ve nothing to thank us for. You’ve made us proud.”
She leaned her head on Josh’s shoulder. “I wish Micki and John and the kids could have been here this year. Kai and Roman too.”
