“Declan, I would like for you to come in and see me as soon as you are able. In person.”
“Sure, Doc.” I was certain Alyssa would make me stick to the sessions for a while anyway and to be honest, I felt just a tiny bit lighter after telling him the story. It would never be forgotten, and I didn’t know if the pain would ever go away, but it had helped in some miniscule way to talk about it.
“Where are things at between you and Alyssa at the moment?”
“Fuck, Doc, I don’t know. Things were fucking great last night but then this morning . . . that fucker got in the way.”
“Who?”
“Flynn,” I said his name like a curse. “He can’t fucking keep his opinions to himself. Not even when he knows nothing about what’s going on!” I ranted. I stood and paced a tight circle around the table. Just thinking about that morning, about Flynn in general, was making my blood boil. Especially when he and his brother still had my Monaro in their care. My free hand clenched and released in time with my steps in a useless attempt to alleviate some of the tension.
“And who is Flynn?”
“He pretends to be Alyssa’s friend. I don’t fucking know what his deal is. Apparently he was there for her when . . .” I growled loudly before walking over and punching a tree just for being in my line of sight.
“When you couldn’t be?”
“Yeah.” I choked on my frustration as I shook out the pain in my fist.
“I take it he means a lot to Alyssa?”
“I guess so.”
“Why do you feel so antagonistic toward him?”
“Because he’s a wanker,” I snapped.
“You don’t think part of the problem is jealousy?”
“Fuck, Doc, he’s living my fucking life. He’s living in her goddamn house for Christ’s sake! According to the world at large he’s Phoebe’s father. She’s my fucking daughter, and yet he gets the benefits. I don’t want him in her life.”
“I think we need to discuss this at a later stage,” the doc said, trying to calm me. “Why don’t you tell me what happened this morning?”
“I was there, at Alyssa’s,” I seethed. I wasn’t able to remove an ounce of venom from my voice, just thinking about the way things had turned that morning made my body shake with anger. “And that fucker started having a go at me over shit that he knew nothing about. Then when Alyssa came out and was upset at both of us, he fucking comforted her. He fucking wrapped his arms around her and led her away. And she let him.”
“Did you talk to Alyssa about it afterwards? Explain why it made you upset?”
I paused. “No. I haven’t spoken to her since.”
“Why not?” he asked, sounding genuinely surprised. “Surely, you talked to her before you left her house?”
I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to clear the doubts and fear that were creeping up. “No, I . . . couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because he was with her.”
“You didn’t stay to talk to her?”
“No. How could I? How the fuck could I wait there knowing that his arms were fucking wrapped around her and she was taking comfort from him.”
“Declan, that would have been the sensible thing to do.”
“What the fuck, Doc? I thought you were supposed to be on my side? I thought you were supposed to be helping me and not fucking telling me how to live my fucking life.”
“All I am saying, Declan, is to try to put yourself in Alyssa’s shoes. Do you think she would have wanted you to stay to talk about things?”
I thought about what he was saying, and what Alyssa herself had said about not trusting me. “Fuck, probably. Sorry.”
“It’s not me you need to apologise to. As you pointed out, I’m just here to help you. Unfortunately though, I do have to get to my next appointment.”
“Will we talk again on Monday?”
“Would you like to talk to me again on Monday?”
I barely gave it a thought before I answered. “Yes.”
“Then I’ll call you on Monday. But I would really like to schedule an in-person meeting as soon as you get back to Sydney.”
“I’ll let you know my plans as soon as I know them.”
“No problems, Declan. We’ll speak on Monday then.”
I’d barely hung up the phone when it rang again in my hand. I answered it without looking at the screen.
“What are you doing tonight?” An overly excited voice exclaimed in my ear before I even had a chance to say hello.
“Hello to you too, Eden.” I chuckled. It was hard not to be swept up by the infectious joy in her voice.
“Oh, fine then. Hello. What are you doing tonight?”
“I don’t know, Edie, I don’t really have any plans.” Other than grovelling at Alyssa’s feet until she’d forgiven me for being a fuckwit.
“Ha! Wrong. You’re picking me up from the airport, that’s what you are doing.”
“What are you talking about?” I pinched the bridge of my nose. Fucking great. As if things weren’t fucking hard enough at the moment. The last thing I needed was Eden’s particular brand of friendship.
“I’m getting on a flight to Brisbane at around five, and I need you to pick me up just after five thirty.”
“Why are you flying to Brisbane?” I tried not to sound too blunt. It didn’t really work. A suspicion over the reason was growing within me, but I didn’t want it to be true.
“Duh, to see you, silly. It’s been too long.”
I sighed. “It’s been three weeks. I saw you at Bathurst, remember?” Even though I’d said the words, I didn’t want to remember. Thinking of Bathurst and the shithole my career had fallen into made me more depressed than ever.
“Yeah, but I don’t just mean physically see you. I mean go out like we used to. Have a good time. I kind of think you need it.”
There was no point arguing with her, as much as I wanted to. Knowing Eden, she’d already booked and paid for every event and drink she had on her agenda. With a sigh, I gave in. “What time?”
“Just be at the airport at five thirty. I’ll be through security and out as quickly as possible. I’ll be flying in on Virgin.”
“Sure thing, Edie,” I said, resigned. “Have you got accommodation?” I knew she would, but it was the question she’d be dying for me to ask.
“Of course! I’m staying at the Suncrest.”
Of course, she’s staying at the fucking Suncrest Hotel. Why wouldn’t she be? “How long?”
“Just the night. I’ve got to get back ASAP for the preparations for the Bahrain race.”
Fuck, I’d forgotten about the Bahrain race. I’d travelled with Danny and Morgan a little more than a month earlier to scope out the track and the conditions. I’d been fucking looking forward to that race so badly. Now, I would miss out.
My entire body longed to be back behind the wheel of my V8. It was what I knew. It was what I wanted. When I closed my eyes, I could almost see the track stretching out in front of me. I could almost hear the rumble of the motor. I couldn’t wait until I was back in the saddle. Maybe when Alyssa moved to Sydney, I’d actually be able to have it all.
“Okay. I’ll be there,” I said, as if I had a fucking choice in the matter. I had to admit though that the idea of a tiny link to my former life was a little exciting. It was like the two parts of me were slowly drawing closer together.
Eden’s plans had pretty much made up my mind that I needed to go back to Mum’s. I had to, mostly because Eden would have a pink fit if she saw the clothes I was in. Between the sleep-crushed shirt and unironed pants, I was a fucking mess. With a sigh, I picked myself off the ground.
I glanced around the park once more, taking comfort in its familiarity, and readied myself to confront the mother who’d been lying to me since I arrived back in Brisbane—and who the hell knew how long before then.
FOR A long time, I stood staring at the front door. Minutes passed while I let my indecisi
on still my feet. Should I use my key and just go inside, or knock and wait to be invited in? How could I confront her? Just shout and scream until she told me everything, or try to pretend I knew nothing, just like she did?
I had no idea what to do, so I just fucking did what I always did. The way I always did it—with no thoughts, no consideration, just balls to the wall and a bravado I didn’t really feel. With a breath as deep as my protesting ribs could take, I reached for the door handle.
I found Mum sitting at the dining table looking frazzled.
As soon as she saw me she threw herself across the room at me and wrapped me in her arms. “Oh, thank heavens! We’ve been so worried about you. Your father told me about yesterday, and then Alyssa said you were there last night. But then you just disappeared. Everyone’s been frantic with worry over you.”
“I just needed time to think.”
She let me go and walked back to her seat at the table. She looked at me expectantly, like she was waiting for . . . something, but I had no idea what.
“Declan,” she began.
I held up my hand to stop her and asked her the only question I wanted the answer to. “Why are you still here, Mum?”
She looked at me blankly. I wasn’t sure whether it was because of the bluntness of my question or because she genuinely didn’t understand what I was asking.
“I’m assuming that little whore isn’t that bastard’s first,” I said.
Mum gave a small headshake, confirming my suspicions.
“Then why are you still with him? I don’t get it, Mum. Don’t you have more respect for yourself? I mean, fuck!” I slammed my fist on the table to drive home my statement.
“It’s not that easy,” she murmured.
“Fucking hell! It’s exactly that easy. He’s a fucking prick and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.”
“Declan, he’s still your father. Please, just calm down.”
“Not until you tell me why you’re still here. Fucking supporting him at that. Even now you can’t find one bad word to say about him, can you?”
“Of course I can, Declan,” she snapped at me. “There probably isn’t a bad word in the entire world that I haven’t thought about him at one point or another. But you idolised him. You followed his every footstep from the moment you could walk. How could I ever shatter your world like that?” The sadness in her eyes echoed the truth in her words.
All the breath in my body left me in a rush. “You stayed because of me?”
“Of course, Declan. You’re my son. You’re the most important thing in the world to me. Even now, with you all grown and living your own life, you’re still my little boy. There was no way I could be selfish and break up our family.”
“But after I went to Sydney, why didn’t you leave then? Why stay?”
She stared at her hands, which were knotted together on the table. “Where else could I go?”
I moved closer to her and knelt at her side. “You could have lived with me for a while. I would have helped get you back on your feet.”
She shook her head sadly. “I don’t think you would have. I think that’s how you feel now, but that’s Alyssa’s influence.” A small smile lifted the corner of her mouth. “She’s good for you.”
I smiled a little too, but it fell almost immediately. Alyssa was good for me, and I just kept fucking it up. I decided that it was time to get everything on the table, while Mum was talking anyway, and find out what the deal was with Alyssa and Phoebe and the weekends. No more bullshit and half-truths. Those had fucked everything up enough as it was. “Why don’t you look after Phoebe on the weekends?”
Mum either understood I wasn’t backing down, or she just didn’t have the energy left to fight. “Just lots of little reasons.”
“Like?” I shifted to sit in the seat beside her as my side began to ache.
Mum sighed. “Do you know you were born six months after your father and I were married?” she asked. At first I thought she was trying to change the subject.
“So?”
It was her turn to raise her eyebrow at me.
Slowly realisation dawned on me. “Are you saying that you and Dad got married . . . because of me.”
She nodded.
“I was an accident?”
“No.” Her voice was emphatic, but then her brows knitted. “Well, technically. I mean, you weren’t expected or planned, but I would never call you an accident.”
“Semantics.” I wasn’t planned. When I stopped to consider it, everything was obvious in hindsight. Like working out why a crash had happened in the moments after the car had hit the wall. It was the reason Dad and Mum had married early. I was the reason. All of Dad’s whispered warnings made more sense. They weren’t cautionary tales of what might happen, they were regrets over what had happened.
Mum moved her hand over mine. “No, it’s not semantics. You may not have been planned, but you were loved from the minute I found out I was pregnant. I was overjoyed.”
I didn’t miss what she’d said, and also what she’d left unsaid. “You were overjoyed and Dad . . . felt trapped?” I guessed.
“Not at first.” Her response was a whispered admission.
“But eventually he did?”
Mum’s eyes turned glassy, picturing what exactly I didn’t know, but her voice was emotionless when she spoke. “We were married at eighteen. It didn’t take long for him to feel like he was stuck at home while his friends were able to go out and live it up. I think that made him a little resentful.”
“Toward me?” I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. As much as I hated him at the moment, he was still my father. Hearing that he resented my existence stung and made me hate him even more. Will Phoebe feel that way about me one day?
She shook her head and reached out to stroke my cheek gently. “No, it was never toward you. He loved you with every fibre of his being. He still does. It was everything he had to give up to provide a stable household for you.”
“Like racing?”
She nodded.
“That’s why he said all that crap the other morning.” I had meant it as a question, but knew it so absolutely that it came out as a statement. “And why he warned me to be careful so often?”
Mum looked away.
My blood turned to ice. Had he said similar things to Alyssa? Was that why she was uncomfortable around him and didn’t bring Phoebe around on the weekends when he might be home?
“What else?” I asked. My voice was small and weak, lacking all the anger that burned just below the surface.
Mum’s eyes fell back on me for a second before dropping to the floor.
“What else happened?” I asked, more loudly. “Did he fucking say something to Alyssa? After everything she went through, did he accuse her of trying to trap me?”
“No, he’s never said anything like that to Alyssa. At least, not that I’m aware of.”
“Then what did he do?”
“Nothing,” Mum whispered, before picking up a rag that was sitting nearby and cleaning the table, wiping it in small, tight, anxious circles.
“What did he do?” I asked, kicking away from the table. My entire body was on alert. I was ready to turn around and hunt the fucker down. I had no idea where he was going for his “business trip” but I had a sudden desire to know and to go there. To introduce him to both my fists again and again.
Mum pressed harder as she cleaned the table.
“Tell me,” I commanded, thumping my fist against the table. The noise resonated throughout the house and a small exclamation of shock left Mum’s lips.
After her initial squeak of surprise, Mum fell silent. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to protect Dad or not betray Alyssa. I’d scared her often enough with my lack of control, she’d likely only give up the secrets if she thought I wouldn’t fly off the handle in response to them. The calmer I was, the more likely it was that she would tell me the details. I swallowed down the emotions clawing at my throat a
nd tried to release the tension in my body.
“Please.” I forced the word past clenched teeth.
“It was just little things—lots of little things—that made Alyssa feel uncomfortable.”
“Like?”
“You have to understand the full situation. I already felt like I’d lost you. I couldn’t stand to lose Alyssa and the twins as well.”
“What did he do?”
“I didn’t want to drive her away. So after it all happened, it was just easier for her not to be here when he was. To come during the day while your dad was at work. Alyssa seemed okay with that solution too. We’ve stuck with it ever since.”
“What. Did. He. Do?” Each word hissed through my teeth as I tried everything I could to keep my anger in check.
“I told you, just little things. There wasn’t anything specific.”
I pulled at my hair and decided to pull out the big guns. With a sigh, I leaned against the table. “Mum, please, I need to know. I’m trying to gain Alyssa’s trust and I think if I know everything she’s been through, it’ll be easier.”
She eyed me sceptically. “You’ll overreact.”
My heart struggled to pump the ice-cold slush that filled my veins. I tried to keep that chill out of my voice. “No. I won’t. I promise.”
“It’s really nothing.”
“Fucking hell, Mum!” I snapped, slamming my fist onto the table again. “Just fucking tell me.”
“He used to compliment her,” Mum whispered, almost silently. I had to strain to hear the second part. “Especially once the pregnancy hormones kicked in.”
That didn’t sound too bad, and I wondered why it would be something to keep Alyssa away. I struggled to think of what pregnancy hormones did but I knew so fucking little about that shit that nothing came to me.
“And he accidentally walked in on her in the shower one day.”
“What?” Mum’s words cut through all of my thoughts, and I needed to know more because it didn’t make sense. “Why would she shower here?”
“It was when she was about six months pregnant. She’d had really bad morning sickness through the early months. She was finally getting past it, or so she thought. But then she had a bad bout when she was here one day.”
Deceive (Declan Reede: The Untold Story #2) Page 13
