I made my way slowly down the path, walking carefully so I wouldn’t fall on my arse but also so my erection would stop rubbing painfully against my zipper. Even when I knocked on the door, I was still sporting a sizable lump in my pants.
When I heard Curtis call out, “I’ll get it,” I immediately grew flaccid. I felt like running. Even though I was too old for a game of ding-dong-ditch, I couldn’t help the flight instinct that struck me.
Then again, running while my knees were jelly probably wouldn’t do me much good anyway.
Plastering what I hoped looked like a confident smile on my face, I tried to ignore the fact that my insides had turned to liquid. The door swung open, and I was face-to-face with my worst nightmare. Killer Curtis in all his glory.
“Declan,” he sneered at me from behind his beard. His hair, which had been the same colour as Alyssa’s when I’d left, had greyed considerably and his beard was filled with salt and pepper streaks.
Fuck! I hadn’t planned properly for this. I had no idea how to address him. Years ago, before I left, he was just Curtis to me. He was just a father figure whom I’d looked up to and who’d treated me as one of his own children. I gaped at him. Curtis. Would calling him that now be interpreted as a sign of disrespect? But then I worried that I would look like a bigger tosser if I called him sir, or worse, Mr. Dawson.
I shuddered at the thought. After blinking a few times through my blind panic, I just stared at him. His sneer morphed into a scowl and he stepped closer to me.
Oh fuck.
He closed the door behind him. Leaving me outside with him.
Alone.
In the dark.
With no Alyssa or Phoebe between us. I took a step back, wondering if it would be rude to ask whether he’d eaten yet tonight.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” he asked.
Fuck, he was a scary bastard. It wasn’t that he was bigger than me. Physically, I probably could have taken him in a fight. He was just . . . intimidating. There was something about him that made him seem ten feet tall and bulletproof. He worked with hardened criminals all day, so nothing frightened him. Nothing I could do could ever hurt him. Unless I hurt Alyssa, which I never wanted to do again.
“I’m sorry,” I squeaked. Fuck, I sounded as terrified as I felt. Worse, it was a grossly inadequate way of expressing how much regret I felt over everything I’d done to Alyssa.
He tilted his head to the side before walking away from the door and down an alley at the side of the house with only a metre of space between the brick wall and the fence. I eyed his outline as he walked, trying to see if I could make out the shape of a Taser or truncheon. Anything that he might use to murder me before Alyssa could come to my rescue. I couldn’t see anything obvious, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have something hidden away.
My gaze lingered longingly on the door. Alyssa and Phoebe were behind it, waiting. My entire life in Browns Plains was being blocked from me by that piece of wood. With one more wistful glance, I turned away and followed Curtis into the dark. I knew whatever happened next had to happen for Alyssa and me to move on to the next phase of our life together.
Curtis pulled open the side gate to the house and indicated that I should go first. I took three steps inside before I hit something solid. It would have been okay if it had been a brick wall, but it wasn’t. Instead, it was Alyssa’s big lug of a brother. I turned back the way I came in just in time to see Curtis pulling the gate shut.
The soft click sent chills down my spine. I swallowed hard and put my hands up in surrender.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: FOR WHOSE BENEFIT
“WHAT ARE YOU doing here, Declan?” Curtis asked. His voice was gruff and without any warmth.
I turned to face him. He was blocking the gate with his arms crossed tightly across his chest and his mouth pulled into a frown. The sound of the gate clicking shut still echoed in my ears, along with the thunderous rush of my own heartbeat.
“Alyssa was doing fine without you,” Josh chipped in from behind me. I couldn’t decide whether or not I should turn back toward him—largely because I couldn’t figure out who was the greater threat.
“You hurt her so fucking much. Yet you waltz back into her life and immediately expect everything to be fucking hunky-dory again?” Curtis barked.
“I can’t believe your nerve,” Josh added.
“I know,” I whispered. “I fucked up. I fucked everything up. I’m trying to fix it.”
They both scoffed at me.
“Trust me, I know I don’t deserve a second chance after everything that’s happened since I left—”
“That’s right,” Josh interrupted. “You don’t.”
Ignoring him, I stared at Curtis. “But Alyssa has been gracious enough to offer me one. And I’m not going to hurt her again.”
“I’ve heard that before,” Josh snapped. “You won’t hurt her, because she’s too important to you. It’s all bullshit isn’t it? You wouldn’t know real love if it jumped up and bit you on your fucking arse.”
“That’s not true.” I turned, glaring at Josh, raising my voice. “I love Alyssa. I love her, and she loves me.”
“I won’t let you hurt her.” Curtis’s voice was strained. The menace in it dripped off every syllable. “It’s better that you go now before she gets her hopes up any higher.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“You are,” Josh said, taking a step closer.
“I don’t want to leave.”
“I don’t care.” Josh was in my face. I could see his fist clenching and releasing by his side. It was clear he was getting ready to hit me, but as scared shitless as I was of him, I wasn’t ready to back down. Not when it concerned Alyssa.
“What about what Alyssa wants?” I retorted. “Doesn’t she get a say before you decide that I should be run out of town?”
“I know what Alyssa wants,” Curtis said.
“What’s that?” I challenged.
“Not to have her heart broken again. We were barely able to pick up the pieces last time. I won’t see my baby suffer through that again.”
My fingers raked into my hair and I tugged it roughly. “What do I need to say to convince you?” I sighed in exasperation. “I’m in it for life. Fuck, I’m in it for forever if she’ll have me that long.”
Josh laughed; one single hard laugh.
I was getting dizzy from spinning back and forth between them. Leaning against the house, I scrubbed my face with my hands. “I don’t know what else I can say that will convince you.” My voice was broken, but I was determined to keep it together. No tears. No panic. Just facts.
“You may have fooled Alyssa, but you can’t fool me,” Josh said.
“Or me,” Curtis added.
“Alyssa’s happy with me. Can’t you be happy with that? For her sake. Or for Phoebe’s.”
“Don’t you dare bring my granddaughter into this. She’s better off not knowing who her father is.”
“She already fucking knows who I am.”
“How dare you decide something so life-changing on Alyssa’s behalf,” Josh said, cracking his knuckles.
I sighed. “Lys wanted to tell her. She doesn’t think I’ll hurt her. If you can’t trust me—trust that.”
“Alyssa is a lovesick fool,” Josh said.
“You’re your father’s son, that’s for sure,” Curtis muttered in disgust.
“I am nothing like that fucking bastard!” I roared, pushing off from the house and stepping up to him.
“Sure, I mean you’ve got nothing in common, do you? Screwing random people without concern for who you are hurting?” Josh scoffed.
I whipped my head around. “That was before. I . . . I’ve changed. For Alyssa.” My voice was a hoarse whisper as I repeated myself. “I’ve changed.”
“Well, that’s quite the turnaround in a month,” Josh scoffed. “From a threesome in a fucking club to a lifelong dedication to one woman.”
I felt
the weight of his words. They pressed in on me so heavily that I couldn’t even stand up straight. Staggering backwards, I came to rest against the wall again. I shook my head weakly as it drooped on my shoulders. Once more, I tried to argue in my own defence, but spoke without conviction because he was right. I wasn’t any good for Alyssa. I’d hurt her so much and every girl I’d screwed while we were apart was another fucking nail in the coffin. By now, it must have looked like a fucking sieve.
“No. That wasn’t me,” I protested weakly. “It isn’t who I am, or who I want to be. It was . . . a mistake.”
“How many women have you made your mistakes with over the years?” Curtis’s voice was low and menacing.
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“Exactly, son.” His voice softened, sensing my weakness. “Can’t you see that you’re no good for her? She needs to be with someone who treats women with more respect than you do. Phoebe needs a chance to have a father who can show her the way she deserves to be treated.”
I sagged further into the bricks, wishing that the house would open up and swallow me whole—removing me from the situation and the pain from Alyssa’s life.
He was absolutely right. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve any of her sunshine to brighten my dismal days. I didn’t deserve the life I’d pictured when I’d woken that morning. The urge to go built in me. I needed to leave before I dragged her down with me.
If only I had the strength to move my legs. If I tried to stand, to support my own weight, I would either collapse in a heap or vomit.
“Just go,” Curtis said, even more softly than before. It was almost as if he was trying to give some sort of much-needed fatherly advice. “She’ll be better off once you’re gone.”
I nodded, barely aware of anything around me. All I could think of was the myriad of ways I’d hurt Alyssa over the years. The things I could remember doing and the things I couldn’t. The sorrow I’d intentionally inflicted and that which had been forced into her life by the wicked hand of fate. A single tear ran down my face and dropped off my nose onto the ground.
A gasp alerted me to the presence of another, but I couldn’t raise my head to see who it was. I was sinking into an ocean of despair and I was drowning. Everything I saw, heard, and felt was black and edged in pain.
My first fear when I’d been cornered by Josh and Curtis was of being physically beaten. However, as I leaned up against the wall—physically unable to move due to the emotional weight on me—I began to think it would have been preferable. That I could have fought against.
But I couldn’t fight my mind viciously projecting images of the broken look on Alyssa’s face when I’d left her. Nor could I fight the memory of the ghost of pain that continued to live behind her eyes, despite everything I’d done to try to remove it.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t be there anymore.
“Dad! Josh? What the hell are you doing?” Alyssa’s voice broke through the darkness like a light. I turned my head in her direction, needing to tell her they were right.
That I was sorry.
That I couldn’t stay.
“Oh, God, Declan,” she whispered, when her eyes locked with mine. She could obviously sense my revelation. I wasn’t worthy of her. I would never be worthy of her, no matter how much I did to improve myself. She shook her head disbelievingly, her mouth forming the word “no” over and over again.
My eyes filled with tears. Even in my sacrifice for her, I was going to hurt her more. I could do nothing right by her. She would’ve been better off if I’d never existed.
In a heartbeat, she was next to me. Her scent overwhelmed me, giving me the ability to breathe again. Her hands became warm centres I could concentrate on. I knew I was all wrong for her, but I couldn’t help but cling to her desperately and pray for absolution.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
“Lys,” Curtis said, touching her shoulder. “Why don’t you go inside? We can handle this.”
“Just go, Dad,” she hissed. “I think you’ve done enough damage.”
“But Lys—” Josh started.
“You too!” she snapped.
Josh and Curtis made no move to leave.
“Go!” she yelled.
They both took a step back.
“Now!” She sobbed as the word left her mouth.
“Lys . . .” Josh’s voice was hesitant.
“No! Just leave Declan alone. Leave us both alone. You’ve got no clue what he’s been through, or what he’s done for me.”
“They’re right though,” I whispered to her as she gathered my face between her hands. The tears began to fall in earnest, both of us shedding our share. “I’ve done everything wrong by you. I should go so you can find the happiness you deserve.” I blinked rather than focus on the pain in her gaze. “You’d be better off without me.”
She shook her head again before staring hard into my eyes. Her voice was firm but full of sorrow when she spoke. “I haven’t had a day of true happiness since you left. Even the days that were good would have been so much better with you by my side.”
I shook my head in disbelief.
She brushed the hair from my face before pulling me away from the wall and further into her embrace. “I love you, Dec. Only you. Stay. Please? For me.” Her voice was softer as she said the final words. She met my gaze; her eyes searched mine for something. Tears pooled around her lashes, no doubt reflecting the ones in my own eyes.
With our gazes locked, one thing became clear. I couldn’t deny her a single fucking thing. If she wanted me to stay, I could never leave again. My eyes closed as I nodded once. A sigh passed her lips and she rested her forehead against mine.
“Thank you.” The words were silent and perfect. Meant for only me.
My stomach clenched at the thought and I reached for her hand, clasping it in mine.
Curtis took a step toward us and touched her arm. “Alyssa—”
“Get away from us,” she spat the words at him as she shook off his touch.
Leaving her forehead resting against mine, she brushed her hand across my cheek and touched a soft kiss to my lips. After a moment, she turned away from me.
“Lys,” Josh said.
“How dare you!” she said, whipping around to face her father and brother. “Both of you! I’ve made my thoughts on this matter very clear.”
She turned back to me, and I cupped her face between my hands. Her tears ran down my fingers.
“I love him,” she said, as she met my gaze again.
“I love you too,” I whispered back.
She turned her full attention to me. I lifted my head a little. The faith she was putting in me provided me with strength.
Her hands came to rest against my neck.
“Why don’t we go inside?” she asked. “I know there’s someone in there who’s been asking for you.”
“Are you sure?” I asked in response. “If I just disappeared now, she’d forget me. Maybe—”
“No! Stop. It wouldn’t be better. We wouldn’t be happier. It wouldn’t be preferable. She needs you. Goddammit, I need you, Dec. Now’s your chance to step up and be a fucking man.”
I chuckled despite the gloom that had settled on me. I nodded. “There’s just one thing I need to do first.”
A grin twisted my mouth as she tilted her head in confusion. Without waiting for permission, I pushed my hands into her hair and drew her face closer to mine. I kissed her hard, trying to show her my need and desire—even my fears—in that one kiss.
WAITING FOR Alyssa to finish getting ready was a subdued and uncomfortable experience. An uneasy truce had settled over the house. Curtis and Josh made themselves scarce, but at one point I’d heard Ruth chewing them both out in another room. It was the type of thing I would have usually found hilarious, but I couldn’t find any amusement in it with the doubts that were playing in my mind.
Even Phoebe seemed to absorb the sombr
e atmosphere. Although she was excited to see me at first, she quickly fell into thoughtful silence. I could easily say it was one of the most unpleasant experiences in my life—which really was saying something considering how fucked-up parts of my life had been. Thankfully, Alyssa didn’t take too much time to finish dressing. Just before we left, I stopped to give Phoebe extra cuddles, trying to draw comfort and composure from her. I had no idea how I was going to cope with being on display all night. Pressing the flesh and playing nice with the charity crowd seemed an impossible task with the dread still coursing through my body.
The drive to the city was just as awkward; the conversation stale and stilted. Even though I’d promised Alyssa I would stay, the urge to run still built within me. It weighed down my limbs and made every action more difficult than it should have been.
“I’m sorry about Dad and Josh,” Alyssa said. It was the fourth time she’d tried to apologise on their behalf.
I shook my head. “They were just looking out for you.”
I couldn’t meet her eyes, because if I did, I would falter. I would have broken down. The problem was that nothing Curtis and Josh had said was a lie. Every word was the truth—a truth I needed to remember so I didn’t hurt Alyssa worse than I already had. With the choices I’d made, I’d damaged her in ways I couldn’t possibly begin to fix.
Glancing across the car, the thought that staying with her would cause her more problems in the long run ran on a loop in my mind. To stop the words coming out of my mouth, I sighed and raked my hand through my hair.
“They’re wrong!” she said. Each word was pitched higher than the last. “Ask me again.”
The insistent tone in her voice drew my attention. As I parked the car, I watched her carefully as I spoke. “Ask you what?”
“What you asked me last night. On the dance floor. Ask me again.”
“Move in with me?” I asked, trying to confirm whether that was the question she wanted me to ask.
“Yes, Declan. Yes. I want to.”
“But what about—” I wanted to raise all the concerns the doc had raised, the points her father and Josh had made. I wasn’t to be trusted. I was poisonous. Because of me, she would be hurt again. She pressed her fingers to my lips to cut me off.
Deceive (Declan Reede: The Untold Story #2) Page 30
