It felt so good. Blissfully and wildly good.
We managed to avoid each other the rest of the trip. What happened to us was indescribably terrific. However, Josh called everyday during the rest of the trip, telling me how much he loves me... I felt awful. I badly needed to break it off with him. I can’t because he’d be devastated without me. Oh gosh, what I have done?
I began to think about Win in a different light then. I was beginning to have a surge of hope that we can work it out. I made an email to Josh that day, telling him I am breaking it off. He tried calling me several times but I was so petrified of talking to him. I was never really good with goodbyes.
------------------------------------------
The following day, I caught Win at the lab, alone.
I kissed him on the cheek. “Hey baby cake. I have news for you.”
“What?” He asked curiously.
“I broke it off with Josh. Just last night.” I said almost too excitedly. Finally, I am free at last!!!
“You what?! Why?”
“Why??? Is that all you have to say?”
“I thought you love Josh? I thought he’s a great catch? Whatever happened to that?”
I looked at him incredulously. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “What about us? What about what happened there at the Fire Exit?”
“Cee, we were away. Things happen when people are away on some far-off place like that. I thought you are the open-minded one. You have always been casual. Why not be casual and cool about the whole thing? We can’t be. You know that.”
“And why not? I’m free. I broke it off with Josh. Were you even listening, you jerk?”
“Well, I am not. Well, I was listening. But...I am not—free. I am not free Cee. Things are going well with Kaye and I. I just met her parents yesterday.”
“Wow. Just wow.”
“Cee...” He started to say.
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. Don’t you dare! I don’t even know what I saw in you. The next time you get near me again, EVER---I’m gonna slap your face so hard--you won’t know what hit you. I mean it, Edwin. Go near me again and I swear I will tell your damned girlfriend and everyone else who’d care to listen, what has been going on between us for years.”
“Rot in hell, will you? You and your damnable definition of friendship----may you rot in hell!” I added as I slammed the door shut.
Chapter Nine: Defying Gravity
Just a thought, how come he manages to always get to me when I just managed to pull myself out of the misery he caused? He had done this so many times over the years. He’d lead me on, I‘d call his bluff and then he’ll irk me. It’s as if every time I am nearing that state where I am ready to pour out my feelings and open up again, he would slash me solidly.
It was frustrating. I wanted to feel sorry for myself and put all the blame on him. But then, I also feel that I am a bit responsible because I haven’t put an actual stop to this. I have been so content in nursing all my feelings. Damn.
I have heard all about this before. I read many accounts about it, heard many songs about it and the concept is so stupid and pointless that I was so sure it won’t happen to me. I guess I looked out for all the wrong signals. I avoided the most obvious pitfalls yet underestimated the effect of proximity and self-deprivation.
When I first met Win, I had a feeling that he would be a huge part of my life. I felt it the very moment our eyes met, was sure about it when he pinned his gaze on me out of the blue, as he was coming towards me one fine day while we were still freshmen students. I prepared myself then, staying away from him and avoiding him as much as possible.
The thing is that, there’s just something about him that makes me let down my guard. I was so used to being wooed. I naturally attract attention. Win’s response to me was so different than what I was used to. It was obvious that he was intrigued with me and that he likes me. He told me so many times. But then, what he wants was just a casual thing. He never really laid down any rules but it’s very clear that everything was in his terms. That sealed my fate. For some reasons, I find it hard to shove him away.
I thought that I had the tendency to be manipulative and I had hopes that someday, he’d eventually give. I was wrong. What adds insult to injury is that he has done this a lot of times, with so many other girls. I knew all about his conquests, at first giving him the benefit of the doubt---mentally coming on to his defence. I would like to think that all those things I heard were mere rumours. Thinking deeper, I know that there’s a ring of truth to all of them. He’s a damned rake. Unfortunately, that fact has not reduced him to my eyes. It also did nothing to eliminate my feelings.
I wanted to believe that he did like me, even a bit. And maybe it’s a great boost to my ego that whenever we are face to face, I own him---body and soul. It should have felt good, but it still is not enough. I was deprived of the one thing that I wanted of him----his love.
I am his “the one who got away”. I am very sure of that. When we are face to face, I own him---body and soul. The chemistry between us is undeniable and inexplicable----the harmony of yin and yang. There is this very obvious blood current that reasserts itself every time we are mere inches from each other. I am not even sure if he is aware of his body language. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me intently and if only there are words behind those looks, I would think that he loves me. But then, we don’t operate in that kind of world. Love is not one of those things where gray areas are possible.
I knew that eventually, both of use will move on, meet someone new, and possibly settle down with another. It’s just sad thinking that there were true feelings and oh so very human emotions involved in a love story that is as real, yet just as fleeting as a wink. We’ve lost touch after graduation but managed to meet again after a couple of years. It all ended in a kiss—that final heart smashing kiss in which we both managed to give and to take---that kiss that made us realize that we were both fools not to have fought for a good thing when we still can----a kiss that reminded both of us that it was already too late. What we had was only good in theory and as a theory it will remain. For always.
Talk about a fine line between love and hate...
We’ve lost more than our direction of late...
Talk about a fine line between lovers and friends,
We’ve never been lovers.
Now we’re not even friends...
Just Friends, Never Lovers Page 4
