by Amy Lillard
What was wrong with her? Overly tired, maybe. Christmas blues, maybe. She had heard about people getting sad at Christmastime. Maybe now that she’d had Emmy, she would be one of those people. She knew all sorts of things changed in a woman’s body after she had a baby. Maybe that was one of the changes she would have to face.
But she didn’t want to be sad at Christmas. Not when everything was going exactly the way she had wanted it to. She should be happy. Ecstatic. Excited.
She looked across the room, her gaze colliding with Levi’s. Only the slight dip in his chin told her that he acknowledged her look. There seemed to be a bit of sadness about him today, but she supposed that was understandable after everything he had lost. It was a wonder he wasn’t hiding under the bed at home, still trying to work it out.
She gave him a small smile in return and looked back at her hands in her lap. The last thing she needed to do was be making eyes at Levi Yoder during church. That would surely cause a stir.
She turned her thoughts away from Levi and back to the sermon. As expected, it was about the Christmas story. Mary, Joseph, Jesus. As she listened, she realized that she had heard it so many times in her life that she took it for granted. She wondered how many people in the room felt the same without even realizing it.
She looked up once again, this time catching Melvin’s gaze. He didn’t smile or nod. He just looked back in his lap as if whatever was there was the most important thing in the world. And he looked uncomfortable. She supposed that was one of those to-be-expected things as well. She was uncomfortable in more ways than one, but it wouldn’t be forever. One day soon they would be back in good standing. And once that happened, she wouldn’t feel this heavy weight pressing down on her. She would be able to be light and joyful, hum a little tune while she cooked like Mamm was prone to do. Now more than anything she wished for a light spirit today. Christmas Day. Jesus’s birthday. Perhaps the best day ever to be in church.
Once again she allowed her gaze to rest on her lap and was surprised to see the gnarled hand of Ellie Byler come her way. Ellie squeezed Tillie’s fingers where they laid in her lap. “It will all be clear soon, dear,” Ellie said.
It was on the tip of Tillie’s tongue to ask what she meant, then she realized Ellie had watched her look from Levi to Melvin. Tillie wanted to explain. But she didn’t have the words. Maybe because she couldn’t explain it herself.
Instead, she squeezed Ellie’s fingers, then stood as the preacher bade them to do so.
As they sang, a dozen questions started floating around inside Tillie’s head. She should be singing about the beautiful night when Jesus was born, but all she wanted to do was ask Ellie Byler how long she’d been married to her husband before he passed. It was something like seventy years, maybe. It had only been a couple of years since he died. And before that, the two were inseparable. Did their love come first? Was it always there? Or did it grow in the time that they spent together? What if you thought you loved one person and maybe you were really in love with somebody else?
And what did it matter for her?
She centered her attention back on the song, but still she was only going through the motions. They knelt and prayed and church was dismissed. Still her mind was wandering. But she had to push it all aside. It was Christmas Day. It was cold, but the sun was shining bright, a beautiful day to have church, a beautiful day to be alive. And she needed to soak in that moment then instead of worrying about everything else. It had already been decided that Melvin was coming back. They would be married. They would kneel and pray and ask for forgiveness and eventually life would move on. And if the thought didn’t fill her with the greatest joy of perhaps the best Christmas present she could ever receive, then that had to be due to exhaustion and hormones. Nothing more.
* * *
“Do you want me to come in?” Mims asked.
Levi shook his head. He tried to smile, but from the look on Mims’s face, he knew it was a poor attempt. She gave him a worried smile back. “I don’t mind,” she said. “I could even spend the night if you want.”
Levi hopped down from the buggy. He lifted the grocery sack full of leftovers from behind the seat and tried that reassuring smile for his sister once more. He wasn’t certain, but he had a feeling that this attempt wasn’t any more successful than the time before.
“Levi—” Mims started.
“I’m fine,” he said. “Get on home. It’s cold out here.”
Mims pulled the blanket a little closer around her legs and seemed as if she wanted to say more. “I’ll come by in the morning to pick you up.”
“I have a horse and buggy that works.You know that, right?”
“Funny,” she said. “But if I drive, I know you have to come.”
His sister! Levi chuckled. Despite his melancholy air of the day, Mims was always able to make him laugh, even if just a little. “I see how it is. You come and get me, then I have to go to whatever function it is that you think I need to go to.”
She clicked her tongue at him and pointed her finger. “Got it in one.”
Levi shook his head. “Of course. Now get on home.”
“I’ll see you in the morning.”
Now why did that almost seem like a threat?
Levi lit the lantern sitting on the porch and took it into the house with him. The worst thing about coming home in the wintertime: it seemed to get dark so early. Normally he would be home way before sundown, but since his family had wanted everyone to get together after church, he had gone back to his parents’ house. They had cookies and coffee and opened presents. They laughed and told stories and visited until a little later in the afternoon. That was why he was getting home so late.
He made his way into the kitchen. He checked on Puddles and her puppies, then put all the leftovers his mamm had sent home with him in the icebox. He placed the lantern in the center of the table and sat down. His house had never felt emptier than it did in that moment.
He saw them together today, Tillie and Melvin. And them together was exactly how it was all supposed to be. So why did it bother him so? Why did he give it a second thought, a second look?
Because on some level he didn’t think that was how it was supposed to be.
How was that for seeing things that weren’t there? He had known Melvin was back, but he had held out the hope that—
Hope that what?
Anyway he sliced it, Tillie and Melvin needed to be together. If they stayed English, if they came back to the Amish, whatever their decision was, for baby Emmy, the two of them needed to make a family. And he was no part of it.
“You had your chance at a family,” he told himself.
From her place by the stove, Puddles whined and thumped her tail. Little puppies tumbled around, their eyes still closed as they tried to find something to eat. To have that the only of life’s problems. Something to eat.
“Merry Christmas, Puddles,” he said, then grabbed the lantern and headed for the stairs.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Mamm!”
Tillie looked to her mother, who was still standing at the stove flipping pancakes like a short-order cook.
“Is that Hannah?”
Mamm looked to the clock above the sink. “She said nine, right?”
Tillie nodded. And it was a little after that. Hannah must’ve lost track of time. Tillie scooped up the last bite of her own pancakes and took her plate to the sink. “I’ll do the supper dishes,” she promised.
Her mamm gave her an indulgent look.
Just then, Hannah came into the kitchen. “You wouldn’t believe!”
“What happened?” Mamm asked.
“Did you walk?” Tillie asked.
Hannah looked to Mamm. “I don’t know.” Then she turned to Tillie. “Yes. Kind of.”
Tillie shook her head. “That doesn’t make any sense at all.”
“I started to come down the road, but that tree in front of the cabin . . .”
Mamm wiped
her hands on her apron and nodded for Hannah to continue.
“. . . it was across the road completely. So I had to park the buggy and walk down from there. It wasn’t a long walk, but not a very comfortable one when it’s under forty degrees.”
“Did you tell your dat?” Mamm asked.
“Jah,” Hannah said. “I stopped by the barn first. He and Melvin and Jim are going to go up to take a look at it. Apparently David promised to paint this new shed that they’ve been building. But he painted with the opposite colors than those the customer ordered. It’s supposed to be a green house with cream shutters and he painted a cream house and green shutters. Dat’s making him redo it.”
“Well, thank heavens Melvin is here to help,” Mamm said.
Tillie murmured something she hoped sounded like a positive response. She was glad that Melvin was there to help. Wasn’t she? There were just too many other things intertwined for it to be that simple.
Mamm handed them containers of cranberry bread.
Hannah looked at it and tried to hand it back.
“We’re just going to Gracie’s.”
Mamm put her hands behind her back so she couldn’t take the bread from Hannah. “Gracie’s got growing kids. If nothing else, it’ll give the adults something to eat,” she said.
“If you say so. But don’t let Levi hear you say that,” Tillie said. “He helped make it.”
Hannah smiled. “Good for him. But I think I just lost my taste for cranberry bread. You know how it goes.”
“It used to be your favorite when you were a child.”
“I still like it,” Tillie said. But she understood. How come so many things had to change?
* * *
“Is that who I think it is?” Hannah asked as they pulled up in front of Gracie and Matthew’s.
Levi Yoder.
Tillie had forgotten that he and Matthew Byler were cousins, but what were the chances that she and Hannah would come visit when Levi was here as well?
It was as if God just kept putting him in front of her, perhaps to remind her of what she would never have.
Surely God wouldn’t be that cruel.
Tillie swung down from the buggy, and Hannah hobbled the horse. Then they gathered a basket of goodies from the back seat and made their way up the steps and onto the porch.
Gracie opened the door before they could even knock. “It’s so good to see you two today,” she gushed, as if she hadn’t just seen them yesterday. But since Gracie had spent most of her life living with the Gingeriches, Tillie supposed that the shift to married life had been a little strange.
And she wondered then where she and Melvin would live once they got married. Maybe they would build a house on the other side of David’s so they would be close to the rest of the family.
“We’re sorry to intrude,” Hannah said. “But we just wanted to bring you some goodies and see you today. And say Merry Christmas again.”
Gracie moved aside so Tillie and Hannah could step into the house. She smiled at them prettily in her so-Gracie way. “Merry Christmas,” she said in return.
“Merry Christmas,” Mims called from the living room.
When they entered the room, Levi was standing by the fireplace next to Matthew. Until that moment Tillie hadn’t realized how much they looked alike. They were both big men, broad with dark hair, crystal blue eyes, and burly beards. Standing there next to each other in almost identical outfits—blue shirt, black pants, and suspenders—they looked like a pair of bookends. Or at the very least, brothers.
Levi nodded his head and averted his gaze.
Tillie wished she hadn’t let Hannah talk her into coming over today. But how was she supposed to know Levi and Mims would be there?
“We were just about to play a game,” Gracie said. “You want to join us?”
“Jah,” Hannah said as Tillie shook her head no.
Gracie looked from Tillie to Hannah and back again, her brow puckered into a frown. “Okay.”
“We can’t stay that long,” Tillie said. She elbowed her sister. “Right, Hannah?”
“But we can be persuaded to stay long enough to have a coffee and a piece of cranberry bread. It’s cold outside,” Hannah said.
“We’ve got that too.” Gracie grinned. “Have a seat. I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll help you,” Hannah said, ever so helpful. The problem was it didn’t take three of them to get a couple of cups of coffee and saucers for the cranberry bread. That left Tillie hovering uncomfortably.
She eased around the sofa and perched on the edge. Mims sat across from her in a rocking chair looking perfectly content.
“Where’s the baby?” Mims asked.
“Mamm’s got her,” Tillie answered. “That’s one reason why we can’t stay too long.”
“May be, but you really need to warm up for the ride home,” Gracie said, coming back into the room. “Even if you won’t play a game of cards with us.” She set the tray on the coffee table next to the one already there. There was plenty of coffee and cranberry bread to go around.
“I take it you’re staying?” Mims said with a nod to Tillie.
She looked down at her Amish dress. Second day in a row she’d been dressed this way. Once again it was starting to feel so natural and yet so strange at the same time.
“Mims!” Levi and Matthew said at the same time.
The men were still standing by the fireplace.
“Come sit down,” Gracie said. “You’re blocking all the heat.”
The men did as they were asked. Matthew plopped down next to Gracie, while Levi took the place next to his sister.
Mims shrugged. “What’s the harm in asking? I just wanted to know.”
This was the way it was going to be; either people would ask outright or they would just stare and wonder. Tillie wasn’t sure which one was better.
“Yes,” she said. “Melvin and I are staying.”
Gracie and Hannah smiled at each other.
“That’s so wonderful,” Gracie said.
“We still have to talk to the bishop yet,” Tillie said before anyone else could ask more questions.
“I suppose after the holiday,” Hannah added.
And that was tomorrow. She was sure he would come tomorrow to ask them about their plan and explain to them what they needed to do in order to remain there in the community. It wasn’t as if they didn’t already know. But that was the bishop’s job, making sure it was clear. They would have to confess in front of the church, kneel and state their sins, spread it all out for everyone to see. After that, then they could begin the process of getting back in good standing with the church. It was what she had wanted all along. Her and Melvin, married and raising a family. So why did the thought not comfort her?
She had no idea. But her gaze strayed to Levi Yoder once again.
He was watching her as if trying to figure out who she was and what she was there for. The look was strange, inquisitive, yet familiar. And Tillie gave him a small smile, but it was hesitant. A little shaky. Then she looked back into her cup of coffee and plopped in another sugar cube. It was really sweet enough, but she needed something to do with her hands.
“I, for one, think that it’s marvelous,” Gracie said.
“Me too,” Hannah agreed.
“Of course I make it unanimous,” Mims said. “It’s just baffling to me.”
“Baffling?”
Mims shook her head. “That’s not a good word. It’s just amazing the things we do in order to find our place. God sets us all on a path and it always makes me wonder when someone leaves the church or the community. Is that part of God’s plan? That they leave? Or are they deviating from the plan to begin with?”
“Why would God plan for somebody to leave the church?” Matthew asked. “I don’t think the church would want that at all.” He shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t think we will ever know.”
“Did you know that Levi helped make the cranberry bread?” Hannah asked.
Way to change it, sister, Tillie thought, as she hid the trembling in her hands. She needed to get used to these sorts of talks, because it would be a long, long time before anyone forgot her transgressions. Forgiving was just part of the Amish way of life, but forgetting was difficult indeed.
* * *
Levi did his best not to stare at Tillie and concentrated instead on his saucer and the cranberry bread that he had helped make. How utterly random that he had come to visit his cousin at the same time she had come to visit hers. It was as if once again God was trying to bring them together.
But her place was with Melvin.
“Levi?”
He shook himself from his thoughts—though he had a feeling it wasn’t the first time Mims had spoken his name.
“Jah?”
“Hannah asked how the puppies are doing.”
Levi cleared his throat and tried to get himself together. Puppies. Jah. “They’re good,” he said. “They haven’t got their eyes open yet, but they all look strong and healthy. Puddles is a good mom. You want one?”
Hannah nodded. “Maybe. Aaron and I have been talking about it. It would be a good present for Andy, give him some more responsibilities and a companion. They may fight like cats and dogs and be as opposite as black and white, but at least Essie and Laura Kate have each other.”
Levi smiled. “Every boy needs a dog.”
“I think it’s great that Leah is getting one for Peter. I know she wished that she could have had it for yesterday, but he knows and was so excited,” Gracie said.
“What about you, Tillie?” Matthew asked.
Levi shot him a look, but the other man just shrugged it off. “A girl could use a dog to,” Matthew said in defense of his stance. “Besides, I’m trying to help you get rid of them. Don’t you have twelve?”
