“Not really, but I am realistic. We’re both young, horny, and going to be four hundred miles away from each other. I don’t want to admit it, I don’t want to even consider it, but you can’t deny human biology.”
“You’re something, you know that?” Liam got up and wiggled back into his jeans.
“You’re mad. I’m sorry. Look, I’m not going to go looking for anything, and I know you aren’t either. But would you rather we sneak around? I thought we were going to be honest with each other.”
“There’s no way I’m going to find anyone else. Not in this town.”
“But if you did?”
“I’d still only want you.” Liam shrugged on his jacket.
“Tell you what. Total honesty. If I want to go out with someone, we’ll talk about it. Same goes for you.”
“I guess that’s all we can hope for.”
Cody reached down for his boxers and jeans. “We’ll still have our Skype, right?”
Liam nodded. “I want it to be enough for both of us.”
“So do I.”
They spent the night in each other’s arms in Cody’s bed. Liam tucked this memory away, the sensation of Cody’s body next to his seared in his mind. The next morning the movers came and Liam helped pack up the last of the boxes. The truck had long since lumbered along and Cody’s parents were buckling up Kelly. Liam lingered on the porch, a lump the size of Wisconsin in his throat. He fought back his emotions.
Marissa came up to him and gave him a hug. “Remember, you’re always welcome in our home. I hope you’ll be able to come visit.”
“Thanks. You guys have been wonderful.”
“I’m just glad your parents came through for you.” She gave him a peck on the cheek, then got in the car. Jason and Kelly waved as they drove off.
“I guess it’s time.” Cody shoved his hands in his pockets.
Liam looked down at his shoes. “Guess so.”
“You going to be okay?”
Liam shrugged. “Guess we’ll find out.”
“Too bad my bed is on the truck. We have an empty house.”
“You need to get going. You don’t want to be too far back from your parents.”
“I’m having trouble getting into my car.”
“And I don’t want to leave this porch.”
Cody looked out over the yard. “This has been the best semester of my life.”
“Nothing up north compares, huh?”
“Nope. Back to being one of thousands.”
“You always could dye your hair in a rainbow. That might stand out.”
“Nope. Been done. Hey, maybe I’ll go bald.”
Liam ran his hand through Cody’s hair. “Don’t you dare.”
“You’re right. I need this crowning glory.” He nudged Liam.
Liam turned and grabbed Cody, mashing his lips to Cody’s. After a few moments he pulled back a couple of inches, his forehead resting against Cody’s. He put his hand on the back of Cody’s head. “I can’t do this.”
“Maybe I should have asked to stay here, with you.”
Liam snorted. “Oh that would’ve gone over so well. You staying at my place, sleeping in the guest bedroom. Uh-huh, sure. My parents may have surprised me by accepting me, but there’s no way they’d let us be together the way we want.”
“You never know.”
“Oh, I know. They had the same-sex talk with me.”
Cody let out a laugh; then Liam laughed. The whole situation was absurd. Both were on the verge of tears followed by laughter. Cody kissed Liam’s forehead. “I will always love you.”
Liam leaned against Cody’s chest. “I’ll always love you. Sorry for sounding like a stupid love song.”
“Hey sometimes love songs say it the best.” Cody gave him one last kiss and let him go. He stared at Liam, pursing his lips. He nodded, fished out his keys and got in his car. With a small wave, he headed down the street.
Liam watched until the car was out of sight. He then collapsed on the steps, the energy draining out of him. No matter what Cody had said, there wasn’t going to be anyone else.
Chapter Fifteen
LIAM THUMBED through the months-old People magazine for the second time. The waiting area was like all the others he’d been in: padded chairs, end tables with lamps and old magazines, overhead fluorescent lights that were too bright. His mother sat next to him, reading an old Ladies Home Journal. The office was located in the city, a couple hours’ drive from his hometown.
It had taken a few weeks to get this appointment with the therapist, and it was none too soon. After Cody left, Liam wanted to cut and little else. He had taken his knife out numerous times, but resisted the urge for that relief. He didn’t even want sex, but the cutting was calling his name.
“Liam Hartley?” A young lady called out his name.
He raised his hand and stood up. His mom grasped his hand and squeezed it. He followed the receptionist back past her desk. They stopped outside a door, the lady putting a file in on the rack against the wall. She opened the door.
Liam had no clue what to expect. The room looked nothing like any exam room he’d ever been in, but this wasn’t exactly an exam. There was a couch, a couple of overstuffed chairs and a desk. Looked like his dad’s home office.
“Please, have a seat, anywhere. Ms. Sherman will be in soon.” She shut Liam inside the office. He sat down in one of the overstuffed chairs. Within a couple of minutes, a blonde-haired woman, looking to be in her late twenties, walked in.
“Liam?”
Liam stood up and offered his hand. “Hi.”
She shook his hand. “Ms. Sherman. I’ll be your therapist, if we click. Please, sit down.” She sat in the overstuffed chair across from Liam.
Liam sat down. “If we click?”
“If we can’t talk and be honest with each other, therapy isn’t going to work. If we find we can’t communicate, there are other therapists here you can try.”
“Okay.”
“So, from your intake form, you’ve been cutting yourself. Do you know what triggered it or was it something gradual?”
“I was hiding who I was.”
Ms. Sherman nodded. “If you can’t be true to yourself, it can activate stress responses.”
“I’m gay.” Liam didn’t know why he just blurted that out.
“Is that what started it all?”
“I started a relationship with another guy but didn’t tell my parents. I was afraid they’d disown me or something. Since we couldn’t be open about it, I felt trapped.”
“Would it help to know that you’re not alone? That what you experienced is very common.”
Liam sat back in the chair, feeling a little more relaxed. “I felt so isolated.”
“You say ‘felt.’ You no longer feel that way?”
“I got outed. Well, I outed myself. I got so jealous about my boyfriend flirting with a girl I hit him.”
Ms. Sherman made a couple of notes. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?”
Liam told his story, not leaving anything out. He felt very comfortable with Ms. Sherman. She didn’t judge him, only asked questions for clarification, and reassured him his experiences were normal.
It was near the end of their hour by the time he finished. A huge weight had been lifted by actually voicing everything that had happened, right up to the night before when he came so close to cutting again.
Ms. Sherman made a couple more notes, then closed Liam’s file. “I think we did good today. Do you want to come back and see me?”
“I’d like that.”
“In the meantime how will you cope with your feelings? You admitted you wanted to cut last night. We need to channel that feeling into something more constructive. Do you have a hobby?”
“Not really. I play, um, played football.”
“Oh, it’s the off-season and you don’t do a spring sport?”
“No, after my incident, I’m afraid football is out of the questi
on. Any sport is out of the question.”
“Why?”
“Small town. Everyone knows everyone. And no one is gay.”
“Well, we know that’s not true.”
“No one will admit they’re gay. Except me.”
“You said you went to church and things were okay.”
“That’s church. A couple of hours every Sunday. Not going to school, day in and day out.”
“Okay, no hobbies or sports. What do you have any interest in?”
“I like to write. Always been good at English.”
“There you go! On the way home, get a brand-new notebook and pen. Make them your exclusive tools for keeping a journal.”
“Not my laptop?”
“Typing on a screen is very impersonal. No, the physical feel of pen to paper is what you want. Try it. If you don’t like it, we’ll try something else.” She looked at her watch. “My next appointment is coming up. Do you have any questions for me?”
“No, I’m good. Thanks for listening.” They both stood up and shook hands.
“Hope to see you soon. Say in about two weeks?”
“Sounds good.”
Liam stopped by the receptionist’s desk and made a second appointment. He and his mom headed out.
“Everything okay?” Sarah sat in the passenger’s seat, allowing Liam to get more driving practice.
“I guess.”
“What did she say? That is, if you want to share.”
“She wants me to keep a journal.”
“That sounds like a good idea.” She patted his arm. “How are you holding up?”
“I miss him.”
“I know.” She looked out the window. “Maybe you can go visit him for a weekend soon.”
“Really?”
“We’ll have to watch the weather report. I don’t want you driving in any snow or ice, especially that far away.”
“Thanks.”
“You okay to head back to school on Monday?”
“I guess I have to be.”
“I’m glad you’re taking a chance. I think things will have settled down by now, blown over. The last two weeks of last semester wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“No, but everyone was stressed out over finals and didn’t have time to think about me or Cody. They’ve had four weeks to think about the gay guy in town.”
Sarah smoothed back his hair from his face. “Please think positive.”
“Did you and Dad ever talk about me transferring?”
“We did but think staying here is best for now.”
Liam nodded. He really hadn’t expected anything else. Other than the name-calling, shunning, silent treatment, and one fight, it hadn’t been all too intolerable, right?
MONDAY CAME way too soon for Liam’s liking. While he had been around a few of his schoolmates at church, that was church. You’re supposed to be kind at church. School, well, that could be a whole new avenue of hell. He tried to think positive like his mother said, and hope everyone had gotten on with their lives.
He snuck into the back of the class and soon it became abundantly clear that no one was going to pay him any attention. In fact, no one was talking to him at all, just like before the holiday break. He still felt isolated, and found himself automatically looking for Cody in the crowded halls. He thought he was going mad when his mind conjured Cody, but in a blink of an eye, the image disappeared. He trudged on through his morning. He told himself he could take it. If he had to go through the next year and a half like this, he’d suffer through it.
He sat down at lunch at his and Cody’s table, but, of course, no Cody. He wasn’t exactly hungry, but he choked down the chicken patty. He was opening his fruit cup when a shadow came over him. He looked up.
“This seat taken?”
Liam shook his head. “You really want to be seen with me?”
Matt sat down across from him. “You’re my friend.”
“I’m your gay friend. Don’t forget.”
“Oh, I don’t think anyone’s going to forget that anytime soon. But why should who you love affect our friendship?”
“I figured people think gay is contagious.” Liam popped some peach pieces in his mouth.
“Then they’re idiots.”
“Thanks.”
“We have biology lab together. We’ll be lab partners.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course. You’re still Liam. Nothing’s changed.” The lunch bell rang. “Chin up. I swear, once people realize you aren’t an ogre or something, things will get back to normal.”
“I don’t think anything will be normal again. But we can hope?” Liam placed his tray on the conveyor belt.
“That’s the spirit.”
Liam made it through the school day, trying to act oblivious to the whispers behind his back. It was hard being ignored, but maybe that was better than having people call him names to his face.
Monday ended peacefully, thank goodness. He made it back home, grateful for Matt and his kindness. If he only had one friend for the next eighteen months, it’d have to do. He cracked open his laptop, his e-mail account pinging the moment it booted. He opened it up to an anonymous message.
One fag left, now it’s your turn. Best leave town and follow your butt buddy. No one wants you around here. Abominations aren’t welcome.
Liam became more angry than anything. He deleted the message, muttering that only idiots and cowards sent anonymous e-mails. He knew this e-mail was probably just the first of many and he’d probably be the target of cyberbullying, so with the exception of Cody and Matt, he locked down all his social media. Maybe he could let his guard down sooner or later, but for the immediate future, he wasn’t going to let it affect him and his goal of a good GPA and scholarship.
TUESDAY WAS more of the same, as was Wednesday. The first week back without Cody seemed to be going well, as well as expected. Matt actually talked to him, sat with him briefly at lunch before heading to the football team table, but didn’t hang with him between classes or after school. It was going to have to do. With fewer friends came fewer distractions and easier studying. Who knew, he might even get a full-ride scholarship if he made all As.
Thursday started out the same, ignored by most, whispered about by others. He made it to his locker after his last class, wondering why there were a group of people around it. They made a path for him. His locker was covered in condoms and the word “fag” was spray-painted on it. Yeah, now he’d definitely prefer to be totally ignored.
He took the condoms off and tossed them in the trash. Not much he could do about the spray paint other than tell the front office in hopes the janitor would paint over it by tomorrow. The final bell rang, and he headed to the administrative offices in the basement. The older, blue-haired lady behind the counter seemed sympathetic, but he knew by the reactions he was getting from the support staff, absolutely nothing was going to be done other than paint over his locker. There would be no investigation; no one was going to care if a fag got his locker vandalized. Liam realized they all believed he deserved it, although they were too polite to voice anything other than “we’ll look into it.” After making a report, he shoved his hands into his jeans pockets, lowered his head and walked out into the deserted hallway and into the stairwell.
A STEADY beeping sound drilled into Liam’s brain. Everything was dark and his mind felt fuzzy. He couldn’t move.
“Liam, honey, can you hear me?”
Liam could just make out his mother’s voice. He tried to turn toward the sound but couldn’t. Why couldn’t he talk?
“Just rest. Your father and I are here.”
Liam let the fuzziness overtake him.
PAIN RIPPED through his chest, his breathing becoming labored. His diaphragm refused to work right. He came back to consciousness with alarm bells. His eyes took a moment to adjust to the semidarkness. He started to panic.
A nurse came running in and adjusted the IV that was in his arm. Within moments, the f
uzziness returned and he went back under.
“LIAM?”
Liam felt he was swimming in nothingness. There was nothing but darkness and now a single sound. His mother’s voice. “Mom?” His voice was barely a whisper. He could barely see his mother’s face, which was right next to him.
“Hey, sweetie.” She gently smoothed back his hair.
“What happened?” The nothingness started to fade away, replaced by sharp pains running through his entire body.
Sarah let a tear fall. “You… you were attacked.”
He felt a warm weight cover his right hand. “What?”
“You’re going to be just fine.”
“Hurts.” His arm started to throb.
Sarah put a plunger in his right hand. “Hit this when you want more pain medication.”
Liam slowly nodded. “Face hurts.”
Sarah smoothed back his hair. “Hit the pain medication. Everything’s going to be okay.”
Liam’s thumb hit the plunger and fuzziness took over once again.
Was it a dream? Or a nightmare? Liam struggled to open his eyes as his ears registered his mom’s voice and a strange man’s. They sounded so far away.
“Is he going to be okay?”
“He’s got a couple of broken ribs, broken clavicle and wrist. One of the ribs punctured his lung, but what we need to worry about is his brain. Severe blunt force trauma is causing his brain to swell. It’s wait and see right now.”
He couldn’t process what was being said. Were they talking about him? He couldn’t remember anything. All he knew was that his mother was very upset, and he couldn’t feel a damn thing.
A SLICE of sunshine hit Liam’s face. One eye opened to see his mom asleep in a chair next to his bed. A sharp soreness ran through his chest. He tried to move his left arm, only to find a cast on it. His movements woke up his mother.
“You’re awake.” She reached over and smoothed out the blanket.
“Where?”
“Shhh, don’t try to talk too much. You’re in the hospital.”
“Thirsty.”
She picked up a pitcher of water and poured it into a plastic glass with a lid and straw on it. She put the straw to his lips. “Small sips, don’t try to gulp.”
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