Chapter 35
Jonas caught himself speeding down the hill toward the city of Zurich. It was a thirty-minute drive to the center of the city. He slowed down, checking for possible flashing police lights farther back. Fortunately traffic was light at this hour. Still, people shouldn’t drive when they’re upset, Jonas thought.
The talk with Anna and her reaction disturbed him deeply. He had made himself vulnerable by confiding in her and admitting a mistake he made in his past. He had told her he loved her, and she had practically slapped him in the face. Then again, what did he expect? Anna was extremely sensitive when it came to deceit; no wonder, with her background. But you could hardly compare his admittedly cowardly behavior with the kind of betrayal she had to endure from her husband.
He drove through the nightly city past the main train station, then along the Limmat River toward the Bellevue plaza and the lake and up the narrow road into the old part.
“Damn it,” he said through clenched teeth as he stopped his car. Someone had parked in the reserved spot in front of his place. Finding parking in Zurich was almost impossible, so illegal parking was not uncommon. Fortunately, there was a space behind Jonas’s reserved one. Just as he opened the car door, a young man came rushing out of the apartment building. It was Mrs. Schatz’s nephew.
“Sorry, Mr. Bergman, I thought you were gone. My aunt said you might not be back for the night, so I took the liberty to park in your spot. I’ll move the car right away.”
“It’s okay, don’t worry,” Jonas said. He glanced up at the building and saw Mrs. Schatz look out the window. She waved.
Jonas gave a slight nod. That’s all I need. And of course the busybody assumed I’d stay the night with my girlfriend—some girlfriend. He wasn’t ready for a talk with his nosy neighbor. After her nephew moved the car and drove off, Jonas parked his car. He decided not to go upstairs yet, but to take a stroll along the Limmatquai, the sidewalk along the river.
The night had settled in for good. A band of whitish haze stretched along the horizon, the last reflections of the sun, which had set hours before. The city lights reflected from the water of the lake. Jonas scanned the sky toward the north, where a heap of billowy dark clouds was building. There was tension in the air as if a thunderstorm was brewing. That might be one of the reasons why Jonas had a headache, the other being his disappointing encounter with Anna.
As Jonas walked along the boardwalk, his irritation and anger slowly gave way to sadness. He couldn’t deny it any longer. He was in love with Anna. They had been going out together, and he was a frequent guest at Anna and Karla’s place. Karla was old enough now to take the train alone to Zurich for her art lessons, but Anna would often accompany her and Jonas and she would engage in lively discussions about all kinds of things. A kind of sexual energy was beginning to develop between them. He also felt that the cocoon Anna had spun around herself was beginning to become unraveled. That’s why he had dared to confess his feelings for her.
Now, the walls she had built around herself had become solid again. And all because of his harebrained idea of confiding in her. Why couldn’t he have let that old story rest? He had never told Eva, he had even forgotten about it, so why did he have to tell Anna? He was feeling guilty, but why feel guilty toward Anna?
Jonas sometimes felt he had to live up to Anna’s high standards of right and wrong. Anna tolerated no falsehood. She would occasionally peer at him with penetrating eyes, as if to dig to the bottom of his soul, uncovering a possible lie or dishonesty. It sometimes made him feel uncomfortable, as if he was hiding something, which wasn’t true at all.
Jonas walked fast, not paying attention to the world around him. He was getting angry again. What right did she have? Just because some idiot betrayed her once didn’t mean all men were that way. And besides, was she that perfect?
“Self-righteous bitch.”
A man walking by him gave Jonas a stunned look. Jonas realized he had said it out loud. Sorry, Anna, I didn’t mean that.
He slowed down and took a deep breath. Standing by the river, he stared at the blackish-blue mass of water flowing steadily away from the lake. All of a sudden, he felt homesick for Eva. If only she were here, if only he could talk to her one more time. He would tell her the whole story about his uncle perhaps being responsible for her father’s death. She would shake her head, face him, and raise an eyebrow, the way she used to do when she felt he was behaving foolishly.
“Jonas, you’re such a dingbat,” she would probably say and kiss him. And he longed for a kiss, for an embrace, and more. Jonas brushed his hand across his face and it came away moist.
Chapter 36
“How come Jonas didn’t spend the night?” Karla asked, shoveling a large piece of pancake into her mouth. “He said he would.”
Karla and Maja were eating breakfast. Anna had made them pancakes with nuts and honey and promised to take them to a nearby pond. It was part of Karla’s birthday present.
“He suddenly remembered he had something important to do in Zurich,” Anna said.
Karla peered at Anna. “He didn’t say anything about it yesterday.”
“Well, he forgot. It can happen.”
“He didn’t even say good-bye,” Karla said. “Did you two argue?”
“Of course not. But he didn’t want to wake you up. He left late. Don’t make such a big deal out of it. You’ll see him in a few days when you go for your lesson.” Anna’s face was flushed and she seemed upset.
“Yeah, but . . . it would’ve been fun. He could’ve come swimming with us,” Karla insisted.
“Maybe another time. Finish your breakfast, so we can leave,” Anna said.
“What’s all this talk about Jonas?” Maja was wiping the leftover honey off her plate with the last piece of her pancake. “Are you in love with the guy?” She gave Karla a mischievous look.
“Of course not,” Karla said matter-of-factly. “He’s much too old for me. Besides, he is in love with Anna.”
Anna stared at her. “Nonsense,” she said rather forcefully.
“Well, he is,” Karla said.
“How would you know that?” Anna began to collect the plates.
Karla grinned at her aunt’s obvious embarrassment. “I can tell. The way he sometimes looks at you. And he kisses you.”
“Those are just kisses between friends. He kisses you, too.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same. And he says nice things to you and then you blush.” Karla giggled and Maja joined in.
“Okay, that’s enough, you two. Help me clean the table and get your stuff. Ready in ten minutes or we won’t go.”
“I think it would be great if you married him. Then he could stay here all the time and we’d be a real family,” Karla said as she picked up her plate.
“That’s enough, Karla. I don’t want to have this conversation right now.”
“Okay, okay.” Karla sighed and rolled her eyes at Maja, who kept on snickering.
Karla and Maja sat on a raft in the middle of the pond, relaxing from swimming. Karla waved at Anna, who was sitting on a towel on the lawn, reading. She looked up regularly, lifting her sunglasses and checking on the girls. Karla and Maja were both good swimmers. Karla was proud that she could swim faster than Anna, who didn’t know how to do the crawl.
“Did you notice how embarrassed Anna got when I mentioned Jonas?” Karla asked Maja.
“Yep, there must be something there. I wonder if they’re doing it.”
“Doing what?” Karla asked with an impish smile.
“Oh, you know. Having sex?” She gave her short hair a toss.
“I don’t think so,” Karla said. “I would’ve noticed. When Jonas spends the night, he always sleeps in the guest room.”
“Well, he could’ve moved to Anna’s room during the night when you were asleep. How would you know?”
Karla shook her head. “No, they don’t act that way. I wish they would. I really think it’d be neat if they got togeth
er for good. Although . . .” She hesitated. “I just couldn’t imagine the two of them having sex. They seem too old.”
The girls burst out laughing. Maja stretched out on the raft. “The sun feels good,” she moaned.
“Yeah,” Karla agreed, lying down as well.
They were quiet for a while. Karla enjoyed the sun warming her body. The air smelled fresh, with an occasional whiff of suntan lotion. A few white fluffy clouds floated across an otherwise azure blue sky. She closed her eyes, letting her thoughts drift. The quiet and peace, however, didn’t last long. She felt Maja sit up again.
“Was your aunt ever married?” she asked.
Karla sat up as well. “Yes, a long time ago, but her husband died in a plane crash.”
“Oh gee, what a bummer,” Maja said.
“Yeah,” Karla nodded. “She doesn’t like to talk about it.”
“And Jonas?”
“He was married, too. His wife died of cancer,” Karla said.
“Jesus Christ,” Maja exclaimed. “Why is everybody dying all the time?”
The two girls gave each other a wistful look. “Don’t know,” Karla muttered.
“We have to do something to get your aunt and Jonas together,” Maja said. “They would be perfect for each other.”
“Do what?” Karla gave a snort. “They’ve known each other for several years and nothing has really happened. They’re just friends.”
“I don’t know, Karla. The way your aunt reacted this morning when we were teasing her? There is more, I can feel it.” Maja gave Karla a knowing smile. There was an excited glint in her eyes.
“You’re crazy,” Karla said. “We can’t get them together.”
“Let me think,” Maja said. She sat with her arms propped on her knees and her head cradled in her hands. “I bet I can come up with something.”
“Oh boy, we’re in trouble now,” Karla said with a sigh.
Maja loved playing destiny. One time, she wrote a letter in the name of one of her older cousins who she knew was in love with a boy. She imitated her cousin’s handwriting and invited him to a family party, in the hope that bringing them together would help ignite the flame in the boy. Of course, she was found out and got a severe spanking from her uncle.
“You can’t do anything dumb, I won’t let you,” Karla said, afraid of Maja’s love of scheming.
“Don’t worry. It doesn’t have to be anything serious. They just need a little prodding.” Maja gazed at the water.
“I’m going swimming again,” Karla said, hoping to get Maja’s mind off the topic. She stood up and plunged headfirst into the water. Maja followed her, and the two raced each other toward the shore.
Chapter 37
Jonas arranged his paints and filled a cup with turpentine. He opened the window of his studio to get rid of the fumes. He stood back, scanning his work in progress, a large canvas depicting a human figure: male, lying stretched out on the ground, helpless, with an oversize monstrous figure, a combination of bird and bat, hovering over him. It was a dark image with dark-red, brown, and black-bluish colors dominating the canvas.
Jonas shook his head and put the brush down. The painting was coming along well but he didn’t like the emotions it expressed. The painting was a reflection of his momentary mood, a mixture of anger and sadness. He sighed and picked up the brush again when the phone rang. There was a familiar voice at the other end.
“Martina! What a surprise. Where are you?”
Martina was another painter who lived in Italy and was on a two-week stay in Zurich, where she had an exhibition in one of the galleries. Jonas and Martina had been friends for many years. She had been the most supportive person during the time he was desperate and grieving for Eva. Eventually, they had eased into a comfortable, uncommitted love relationship.
An unconventional and open-minded woman, Martina had no interest in getting married or even having a close relationship. She had been exactly what Jonas needed at the time, someone he could talk to, who fulfilled his physical needs, and who took away the sharp edge of his loneliness. And she had made no demands on him. “Don’t worry about it,” she used to say when Jonas apologized for always talking about his dead wife when they were together. “That’s what friends are for.”
Later, when Jonas felt a little better again, they would get together off and on whenever Martina was in town. Jonas knew she had other boyfriends; she made no secret of it. The last time she had come for a visit was a year before.
When he heard her cheerful voice, his mood, which had been in the dumps since his last encounter with Anna, improved at once. They decided to have dinner together.
Martina came to his place for an aperitif. When she entered the apartment, it was like a fresh breeze blowing in from the outside. She was tall woman, a little on the stout side but well proportioned with wide hips and an ample bosom.
It was a balmy Indian summer evening after a warm day. They sat on the sofa next to the open window, admiring the sunset. The sky blazed with crimson, orange, and yellow shades. They caught up on what had been happening. Martina had an opening at a gallery in town and Jonas showed her his latest paintings.
“You’re different, Jonas,” Martina said at one point. “You seem preoccupied, kind of absent.”
“Really?” Jonas smiled and took another sip of his whiskey. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be.”
“What’s going on? Let me think.” Martina gave him an impish look. “You’re in love.”
Jonas grinned. “Well, close.”
“What do you mean ‘close’? You either are or you’re not.”
Jonas wrinkled his forehead and sighed. “I’m falling in love with someone who probably won’t return my feelings.”
“What a drag,” Martina said.
“I’m sorry, Martina. Here I haven’t seen you in ages and all I can do is burden you once again with my problems about another woman. You deserve better.”
Martina gave one of her pearly laughs. “I don’t mind being your confidante, even if you want to talk about another woman. And if you told me you found the woman of your dreams, I’d be happy for you.”
“I don’t know if you could call her the ‘woman of my dreams.’ Right now, she’s rather the ‘bane of my existence.’”
“Well, let’s go to dinner and you can tell me all about her.”
They had dinner at an elegant restaurant along the lake. After sitting down at the window, Jonas remembered that this was the restaurant he had invited Anna to when they went to hear Cavalleria Rusticana.
Sitting opposite his cheerful, vivacious friend, who prattled on about all kinds of things, Jonas wondered why he had to fall in love with that cold, distant woman Anna. Why couldn’t it be someone like Martina? But he knew, of course, that a relationship with Martina was impossible. She was as unpredictable as the southern wind, blowing in and out of his existence. No, he was too old for that kind of youthful, uncommitted, off-and-on love affair. However, what Martina lacked in severity, Anna had too much of.
“Now, tell me,” Martina said after they tasted the wine. She put her hand on Jonas’s and gave him an encouraging smile.
So Jonas told her how he had met Anna by chance, that she was the aunt of a student of his, how they had gotten to know each other more closely and how his feelings for her had begun to change. He told her about Anna’s fear of betrayal, his unfortunate confession of an incident in his own past, and her rejection of him.
“Well, Jonas,” Martina said in an atypically serious tone. “The woman is marked for life; what do you expect?” She took a sip of wine. “She seems paranoid about dishonesty, so your story didn’t exactly sit well with her.”
“Tell me about it.” Jonas sighed.
“Then again, I think you did the right thing telling her. I, of course, wouldn’t have told her, no way. But you and I are different. You would’ve felt guilty not doing it. You’re a little more scrupulous than I am.” Martina shrugged.
“I
t seems to me the ball is in her court, now. And, Jonas, if she can’t forgive you for that blunder in your past, she isn’t worth your affection. You’re better off without her. And if you end up heartbroken, then come to Italy for a while, and we’ll engage in debauchery and wild sex. That’ll cure you.” Martina laughed out loud.
“Sounds like a deal,” Jonas said with a quick smile.
Later that evening, after making love, Jonas wondered if having sex with Martina was a betrayal of Anna. To hell with it, he thought. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want me. So what should I do? Live the rest of my life like a monk? He bent over Martina and kissed her. She gave a sleepy moan, then turned and wrapped her arms and smooth, soft legs around him.
Chapter 38
“There’s Jonas,” Karla called.
Anna and Karla were in town, shopping. They were walking along the Rennweg, a side street of the Bahnhofstrasse, the main shopping street. Anna looked across the street to where Karla pointed. Jonas stood in front of a store, talking to a woman, his longish white hair tousled by a nippy September breeze. He smiled, gave the woman a kiss on the cheek and a close hug. Anna’s heart skipped a beat. A relative? A girlfriend?
“Who is she?” Karla asked.
“I don’t know,” Anna said.
“Don’t.” She put her hand on Karla’s shoulder, trying to prevent her from getting Jonas’s attention, but it was too late. Jonas saw Karla wave at him and waved back. Karla ran across the street, which was closed to traffic. Anna sighed and followed at a slow pace.
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