by Ella M. Lee
“Nothing,” I repeated, my eyes roving over him, trying to memorize every detail. “I love you. Always and forever.”
He rubbed my shoulders, his face lighting up with a broad smile. “I love you, too.”
At least someone would say those words to me. At least I’d gotten the chance to hear them.
At least I could take that with me.
My plan hinged on one other big gamble: I needed Ryan’s help.
I had a contingency if he declined, but he was the only person I trusted with these final steps. He would understand where I was coming from. He would be sympathetic. He would keep my secrets. And, when it was all said and done, he would be able to withstand any of Nicolas’s backlash. Or perhaps he’d escape it entirely, being Nicolas’s closest friend.
Assuring myself that Nicolas hadn’t wandered back toward the soubou, I knocked on Ryan’s door. When he called for me to enter, I shut it firmly behind me.
Ryan sat at his workbench, his sleeves rolled up, his spelled blue glasses hanging low on his nose as he bent over a complicated box wound in copper wire.
“Hello,” he said, straightening up and pulling off his glasses. “How are you?”
“Can I sit down?” I asked.
“By all means.”
I took a seat across from him and said, “I’m leaving.”
Ryan’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”
“I’m leaving the clan. I’m leaving Lightning.”
Ryan hesitated, his brow wrinkling slightly. “May I ask why?”
I hadn’t expected this question. I considered for a moment. “I’m unhappy.”
Ryan glanced out the window toward Nicolas’s apartment.
“It’s not just him,” I added, “although that’s a big part of it. I’m tired. I’m burned out. I can’t stand magic anymore. I feel… hollow. Worse than that, I feel trapped, and that’s only making everything else bad. I have to get out of here, and thanks to the goddamn conclave, I can’t do that the way I am.”
Ryan nodded. “You want to part ways with magic.”
“I never meant to do any of this in the first place,” I said. “Flame was an accident. Water was an accident. And Lightning… well, that was a plan, I suppose, but it’s done now. The clan is made. Dan is back. Everything’s coming up roses. I don’t really think I was meant to be here in the first place, and now it’s time for me to go.”
“No one else sees it that way,” Ryan asked. “You are excellent with magic. You have a family here, who all like and respect you. Not a single one of us would ever want you to feel as though you didn’t belong.”
“It’s not you all,” I said. “This is about me. I’ve thought of nothing except this for days.” Not to mention a mysterious voice confirming I was leaving. “It’s a decision I’m comfortable with.”
“Am I the only person you’ve told?”
“Yes,” I said. “And I’m only telling you because I need your help. I don’t want the others to know what I’ve done until I’m gone, nor where I’m off to. I think it’s best that way.”
“You want me to declan you.” Ryan sounded aggrieved, his fingertips going white as they pressed together.
“I’d appreciate it if you’d do that for me, because I’m not at all sure how to go about it,” I said, “but I actually came to you for permission. You’re a pinnacle member of the clan. We don’t have any rules in place for a member leaving, but I’d like to go with your blessing. I want at least one person to know how I feel, and I don’t want there to be bad blood. That’s not the way any of us should move forward.”
“I understand,” Ryan said. He laid his palms on the table. “Is there anything I can say? Anything I can do to convince you otherwise?”
“I don’t think so. I’ve tried to talk myself out of it, but each time, this decision feels like the right one.”
“And Nicolas?” Ryan asked.
“Nicolas will live. He and I both made our choices. I can’t really blame him, not when I expected this exact reaction. I’m at fault. I take responsibility for that.”
If Ryan had an opinion on my actions or my sad little confession, he didn’t offer it. “When do you want to do this?”
“Tonight. Right now.”
Ryan choked, clearing his throat uneasily. “Right now? Are you certain?”
“Very.”
“All right.” He nodded. “I would never deny you your own choices. Tell me what you need.”
Words that Nicolas often said to me, too. I hoped I wasn’t making the same mistake now that I’d made with him. I took a deep breath.
“I’m going to finish packing. After I’m done, I was hoping we could go out to the sanctum and…” I paused. “Do the magic part. Then I need to head into Osaka.”
“I’ll drive you,” Ryan said.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I’d like to.”
I smiled. “I’ll just be a few minutes, then I’ll come get you.”
His eyes lingered on me sadly as I left his office. I headed upstairs. It was late enough in the day that everyone was busy—working or otherwise occupied. No one would think twice about seeing me coming and going from the temple or the clan house.
I retrieved a large black backpack from the back of my closet. I’d stuffed it with a week’s worth of clothes, including a jacket. My planned destination was cold this time of year. I straightened my bookshelves. I folded my futon and put it away. I dug out every piece of jewelry Nicolas had given me and set the boxes side by side on my kotatsu table.
The only piece I didn’t leave behind was the rose-gold Cartier necklace he’d given me during my very first week in Water. I couldn’t bear to part with that bauble; it had given me so much strength for so long.
Beside the jewelry, I carefully set down my laptop, tablet, and all the identification papers I’d used as Fiona Ember. On top of the laptop, I left my work notebooks. My new phone was already in my purse, along with my new IDs and new bank account information.
I took a final look at my old phone. I tapped into all our group’s chat channels, reviewing everyone’s idle talk. Chandra complaining about the cold and wet weather. Daniel linking an article about a new amusement park opening up outside Osaka. Keisha begging someone to pick between a blue dress or a red dress she had linked.
I smiled. Blue! I typed, adding an emoji with heart eyes. My last goodbye to her.
No new messages from Nicolas, of course, but I couldn’t help reviewing my sad string of unanswered texts. I winced. The last things I’d sent were all pathetic pleas. Not a very good look.
I could add something better, couldn’t I? A parting gift? Some tiny bit of acceptance? I was angry at him for rejecting me so harshly, but I understood. I could tell him so. I could give him forgiveness and encouragement in this final hour. I wouldn’t get it in return, but I couldn’t deny it to the person I loved most in the world. Closure for him, perhaps, even if I wouldn’t have any for myself.
It took me a lot of backtracking with shaking hands to type out the words.
“But your solitude will be a support and a home for you, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, and from it you will find all your paths. All my good wishes are ready to accompany you, and my faith is with you.”
Nicolas knew I loved no writer so much as I loved Rainer Maria Rilke. Would he understand that I was talking as much about myself as I was talking about him? You can let go. It’s all right.
“He’ll be okay,” I whispered to the quiet room. I had to believe that, because if Nicolas wouldn’t be okay, what hope was there at all for someone like me?
I waited for the message to deliver. And then I waited for a little longer, staring at the screen, willing a response to appear. Nothing happened, so I swallowed my last bits of fractured hope and switched the phone off, laying it on top of my other electronics.
I looked around the room one more time. I already wore Dan’s zodiac bracelet, the only other trinket I wanted
to take with me. Everything else would be left behind. I didn’t need any of it. This was already more than I’d gotten to take with me when I’d ended up in Water.
A single bag felt luxurious now.
“Ryan?” I called from the second-floor landing when I was finished. “Can you come up here?”
His heavy footsteps echoed up the stairs. He stopped in my doorway.
I pointed at the table. “I’ve left all my electronics and notes behind. I haven’t taken any of Lightning’s secrets with me, except what’s in my head. I have no intention of betraying the clan in any way—I just want to live my life. I’ve also left behind my identification. I’m not going to be using my name anymore. As a pinnacle member, does this satisfy you?”
His eyes wandered over the contents of the table sadly. “Yes. I have no reason to believe you have any ill intent. I trust you, which means the clan trusts you.” In his right hand, he held an envelope. He handed it to me. “Here, take this.”
I peered inside. There was an ATM card with a PIN number written on a sticky note, the credentials for a webpage login, and a bank statement. It was an HSBC bank account worth roughly five million United States dollars.
“Ryan…” I said, looking up at him with wide eyes.
He held up a hand. “No one knows about this account except for me. Take it. Move all the money if you’d like. If you don’t need it… well, that’s okay, but I don’t want to be worrying about you having enough money out there.”
I’d managed to get through most of the day without crying, but this choked me up. “Thank you. That’s very thoughtful of you. I’ve never done anything to deserve your kindness.”
“That isn’t true,” he said. “You’ve done plenty for me and my family, and I will never forget that.” He held out a hand to me. “Ready?”
I took a last look around my room—tidy, clean, dark—and hoisted my backpack onto my shoulder before taking Ryan’s hand.
“This will be simple,” Ryan said, as I stood nervously by the sanctum. He walked briskly through the door to where I was; he’d been outside checking if Nicolas was still in his office.
“If you say so,” I said.
Ryan gave me a weak smile. “Truly.” He motioned me closer. “Give me one of your hands. Put the other on the sanctum.”
I did as he asked. This will be the last time I touch this magic. But even that harrowing thought didn’t cut through the numbness as sharply as I thought it would.
“You’re sure about this?” Ryan asked again.
“Yes. Go ahead.”
“I need to gift you magic again, like a normal clan member,” he said gently. “Then I need you to slowly, bit by bit, unhook your sanctum and release it from yourself. Let it go, let it wash into the rest of the magic, like sand eroding on a beach.” He paused. “It will be painful, but you must push through it. Every single piece must dissolve.”
I nodded.
It was easier than he made it seem. The moment he gifted me regular magic, the idea clicked into place. I drew myself inward and unlocked all the doors to my sanctum, letting it merge with the rest of the magic. Purple lightning crackled behind my closed eyes, along with the echo of fields and forests and a towering barn. Finally, a torii gate burst into flames and then disintegrated into pale-orange embers.
It was the burning I felt most, like my veins were about to combust. Whimpering built up in my throat, but Ryan’s hand tightened on mine, so I grasped that connection hard, letting myself lean into the pain and drive through it.
Finally, I opened my eyes, gasping and shaking. Ryan practically held me up, his hands under my forearms. Sweat trickled along my hairline.
“It’s done,” I whispered.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his dark eyes concerned.
“Yeah,” I said. “As okay as I can be.”
He released one of my hands. “Touch the sanctum again.”
The rest only took a moment. With a slight jolt and a feeling like all the air was being sucked out of me, my magic evaporated. I gasped, heaviness filling my chest for a brief moment before dissipating through my body. Ryan caught me as I stumbled away from the sanctum, dizzy.
“Fiona?” he asked.
“I’m all right,” I said. I shook my head. “I feel… empty.” My hands still shook. My skin was clammy. I could barely breathe.
But I was alive, and I was mortal.
“That’s normal,” Ryan said. “Your body needs to adjust to not having magic. You might feel cold. You might experience headaches or tingling in your limbs. That will all fade.”
“Yeah, I remember,” I said, recalling when my Flame magic had been removed.
Ryan let go of me, and I shook myself out, stretching my arms and legs. It felt strange to not have magic at my fingertips, to not feel connected to the sanctum before me.
“Shall we go?” Ryan asked tentatively, and I realized I’d been staring into the sanctum’s churning depths.
I took a deep breath, but it didn’t fill the hollowness inside me. “Okay,” I said. I followed him out of the temple, picking up my backpack and purse and walking through the dusk to his car.
No one was around to see us leave. I had to beat back the part of me that desperately wanted to find Dan and hug him again. I sat myself in Ryan’s passenger seat and closed the door with more mixed emotions than I’d felt in days.
What was Nicolas doing now? Had he read my message? Would he understand what I meant? What would he think if he knew what I was doing? Would he feel any spark of regret? Would he believe I was doing this for both of us? I wished I had any idea at all.
Ryan drove us in silence from the clan house to downtown Osaka.
“Where should I drop you off?” he asked finally, when we were too close to the city to avoid talking about my departure.
“Osaka Station,” I said. I didn’t elaborate on my plans.
Ryan pulled into the drop-off area of the train station and put the car into park, turning to face me. “It’s been a great honor knowing you, Fiona. I cannot stress enough that Lightning is your family. We will always be here for you should you change your mind or need help in any way.”
“I’m not sure about that. I think they might hate me for this.”
Ryan shook his head. “Trust me when I say that is not at all true.” He hesitated. “But if you don’t feel comfortable with the clan at large, I hope that, if nothing else, you will consider me a friend whom you can rely on.”
“You will always be my friend,” I said. “I’ve known very few people as patient and compassionate as you. You are the kind of teacher and mentor I aspire to be, and I only feel okay leaving because I know you are there to support Lightning.”
“You have my number,” Ryan said. “Do not hesitate to reach out. I will think of you often.”
Tears sprang to my eyes, leaking down my cheeks as I took in his affectionate smile. “Take care of them for me, please, Ryan.”
“Always,” he said fervently, taking my hand. “Is there anything you want me to say to them for you?”
“Tell them…” I took a deep breath, trying to unlock the words from my throat. “Tell them that I’m okay, and I’m happy, and I don’t want them to worry about me or look for me.” I tried to choke down another deep breath. “Remind Dan that I love him, that I carry him with me everywhere I go, magic or no magic.”
Ryan nodded. “And Nicolas?”
I shrugged sadly. “I already said everything I wanted to say to him. None of it seemed to matter.” Sobs shook my chest, and I put my hands to my face. “Keep… keep an eye on him especially. I love him, and I would hate for anything to happen to him. And I… I… I don’t want him to be alone.” I barely got the words out.
“I will. You have my word,” Ryan said. He handed me a folded handkerchief. “Keep that,” he added as I wiped my eyes. “You are much stronger than you think, Fiona. You have had many successes, and you will continue to succeed at whatever you do, wherever you go. Rememb
er who you are. When you do, you will find all the courage you need. It’s there. I promise you that.”
It was a long minute before I could unlock my jaw and speak. “Thank you for saying that,” I finally choked out.
“You have a heart worthy of those words,” Ryan said.
“I’ll never forget everything you’ve taught me,” I said.
He opened his arms. “Come here.”
He folded me into a fond, tight embrace and held me until my sobs and shaking subsided. Finally, I wiped my face one last time and tucked the handkerchief into my pocket.
“Fiona, if I have dinner and a few drinks in the city before returning home, will that be enough time for you to be on your way?” Ryan asked. “I have no intention of lying to any of them about what happened, so I’d like to give you the time you need to follow through with your plans before anyone starts asking questions.”
“That’s fine,” I said. “I’ll be gone shortly.”
“Then this is goodbye,” Ryan said, his eyes glassy and his voice tinged with sadness.
I nodded slowly. “Goodbye. I can’t thank you enough for everything.”
He shook his head, his eyes full of fondness, glassy and deep and encouraging. “There is no need. I was happy for all of it, to the very end.”
I offered him a small smile. “It’s only the end for me. For you all, it’s a beautiful start to a long, strange, interesting road. I wish you the best of luck.”
“The same to you. I truly hope you find what you’re looking for, Fiona.”
I gripped his hand in mine for just another few seconds before letting go of the last magical thing in my life, grabbing my backpack, and heading toward the train platforms.
After leaving Ryan, I only spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom before starting my long journey. The first thing I did was buy a single-use ticket for a local subway ride to Shin-Osaka Station, where the shinkansen—the bullet train—left from.
I checked my plans in my notebook, all written in neat rows with times and dates. Once at Shin-Osaka Station, I would buy myself a ticket to Hakata Station. From there, I’d catch a ferry to Busan, followed by a train to Seoul, and then a flight to New York City.
