by Nell Scovell
“Well,” he said. “There’s nothing to be learned from that.”
I gasped audibly.
Instantly, I knew Rob was right, not just about this situation, but about most situations in Hollywood. Like Los Angeles itself, the entertainment business is built on shifting ground. Each experience is unique, shaped by personalities, emotions, timing and, for all we know, the stars. There’s no code to crack. There’s no paradigm to follow. Instead, the system operates on gambler’s reinforcement where intermittent success becomes a motivator.
Studies show that if a rat presses a lever and randomly receives a food pellet tied to that action, the rat will keep pressing that lever all day long. This time. No, this time. Maybe, this time. Please, this time. What about this time? Yes! Whoo! Now again. Pressing the lever may lead to insanity, but how else are you gonna get a pellet? So the rat spends his day in a nice cage with some water to sip. It’s really not that much different from a writers’ room. And lever-pressing isn’t the worst job in the world—sure beats maze running. I can even picture two old rats sitting around, telling stories: “Remember the time three food pellets came out in a row? Man, that was something.”
This mentality explains why Irv still longed for “one more shot.” The flip side of the depressing “Nobody knows anything” is the far more optimistic and Jewish-y, “You never know . . .” That’s why I continue to churn out scripts. I expect nothing, hope for something, and am delighted when my efforts are rewarded.
There’s opportunity in confusion and Hollywood has a lot of opportunity. Even after three decades, I truly don’t understand how the system works. But I do know that the only paradigm for success is to keep looking for a paradigm for success.
In 2014, after some furious lever-pressing, a nice fat pellet popped out and I went back on a sitcom staff for the first time in almost two decades. Big Bang Theory cocreator Bill Prady came up with a brilliant way to reboot The Muppet Show, making Miss Piggy a talk show host and shooting the series documentary-style. Like everyone with a soul, I grew up loving Jim Henson’s creations and swooned at the chance to add to the Muppets canon. I joined the series as a Co-Executive Producer.
My first week on the show, I approached Bill Barretta, the Muppets’ wildly gifted producer/director/performer who voices Pepe the King Prawn, Rowlf the dog, and the Swedish Chef (among many others). I had an idea, but it required one small, curly piece of information.
“Bill,” I said. “Does Miss Piggy have a tail?”
“Huh,” he said unsure. “I guess.” Then he grew more confident. “Yes. She’s a pig. She must.”
“But we’ve never seen it?” I asked.
“Not that I know of,” he said.
“Could we see it?” I asked.
“I don’t see why not,” he said, flashing a mischievous smile.
I set off to develop a story I was dying to write. It began with Miss Piggy on the red carpet, posing for photographers. Suddenly, she experiences the pig equivalent of Janet Jackson’s “nip slip” and her tail pops out. The newspapers plaster the embarrassing photo on the front page.
Prop from “A Tail of Two Piggies”
Use of the New York Post courtesy of NYP Holdings, Inc
Normally confident, Piggy is embarrassed by the mishap. She’s not some tail-flashing, barnyard animal. She explains her discomfort to her costumer Uncle Deadly.
MISS PIGGY
My whole life, I’ve tried to cover
the fact that I’m a . . .
(drops voice)
pig.
UNCLE DEADLY
(a beat; then)
You are aware that your name is Miss Piggy?
The issue, Piggy explains, is that her fans see her “as a lady, not a pig.”
Piggy plans to publicly apologize for the incident until a “family values” group starts body shaming her and picketing the show. The protest backfires when Piggy wakes up to our culture’s double standards.
MISS PIGGY
What’s so offensive about my tail?
Look around.
PIGGY STARTS POINTING OUT MUPPETS AND THEIR TAILS.
MISS PIGGY (CONT’D)
Fozzie’s tail is out. Bobo’s, too.
And Yolanda’s. Or is that okay because
hers is long and thin?
YOLANDA
Thanks for noticing.
KERMIT
Piggy, I see your point but it’ll blow
over a lot faster if you just apologize.
MISS PIGGY
I refuse. I’ve been hiding for too long.
(takes off sunglasses)
The fact is, I grunt and snort and have a
tail. That is who I am. I’m a lady and a pig!
And it’s time the world caught up with me!
“A Tail of Two Piggies,” which I cowrote with Steve Rudnick, was a joy to produce. Watching Eric Jacobson perform Miss Piggy was a master class in both puppeteering and acting. There’s an obvious irony that a human man plays a female pig, but Eric takes the responsibility seriously. At one point, he came over to me on set, uncertain how to play the line, “I’m a lady and a pig.”
I explained that I saw this as a moment of self-actualization rooted in my own experience.
“All my life, I hated it when people called me a ‘female writer,’ ” I said. “I wanted to be perceived as just a writer. The world saw me as my gender and I saw myself as my accomplishments. But as I’ve aged, I’ve embraced my identity more. Now I’m happy stating, ‘I’m a woman and a writer.’ That’s who I am. And I want Piggy to stop denying who she is, too. I want her to realize that her pigginess is part of what makes her special.”
Eric understood and delivered the line beautifully. He also added a great gag to button the scene. As Piggy becomes radicalized, she declares, “I’m off to change the world!” She starts to exit in one direction then, a beat later, does a 180.
“The world is that way,” she says, scurrying off.
The Muppets was cancelled after a partial season. It’s a long story so let’s just say there were too many Swedish Chefs in the kitchen. I took a break from TV to edit Option B, written by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. The project was a sobering look at how to face adversity and build resilience. Sheryl shared the overwhelming grief that she and her family felt after her extraordinary husband Dave Goldberg died suddenly at 47. She also shared her determination to recapture meaning and joy. The book could not have been a bigger tonal departure from writing for the Muppets. Like Piggy, I pulled a total 180: “The world is that way.”
I have no idea what the future holds for me, which is both exciting and frightening. Irv once told me that his biggest regret was that he stopped writing at around age fifty. He urged me to keep being creative with one caveat.
“Promise me, honey,” he said to me in the hospital, “that you won’t take any project that your heart isn’t in.”
I promised him that I wouldn’t.
Irv died the next day. I think he would want me to recount his last joke. That same visit, the hospital phone rang and I answered. The kitchen needed Irv’s lunch order. I passed along their questions:
“Any allergies?”
He shook his head.
“Any dislikes?”
“George Bush,” he replied loudly and without hesitation. I held the phone up so he could hear the hospital worker laughing on the other end.
I hated leaving his side that day, but Irv was tired. The next day, I called to see if I could come back. Irv said he didn’t feel up for a visit.
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you, too,” he replied.
I miss Irv and wish I’d met him twenty years earlier. I think often of his advice to work only on projects that my heart is in. Sheryl said something similar in her commencement address at Barnard. She urged each graduate to “try and find a job that matters to you and matters to others. It’s a luxury to combine passion and contribution. It’s also a clear path to hap
piness.”
Sheryl definitely wrote those sentences herself, because I didn’t know this principle was true until after we worked together on Lean In. Combining passion and mission is a clear path to happiness. Nothing is more satisfying than having a positive impact on people’s lives.
This realization also helps explain why I love writing jokes. On a much smaller scale, laughter is a sign of impact. That impact may be fleeting. A laugh may be over in the wink of a president’s eye. But for me, that moment is bliss.
Thirty years after I broke into Hollywood, I’m still pressing that lever hoping for a pellet. In an ideal world, I’d get to direct another movie. Or maybe I’ll create and run another show. I just want one more shot.
And then one more shot after that.
And then . . .
THE END
Job Timeline*
1987
It’s Garry Shandling’s Show, freelance episode, unshot
Nov 1987–Jan 1988
The Wilton North Report, FOX
March–May 1988
The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, CBS
March–May 1988
The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, CBS
Funny Girls, pilot for Disney New Writers program, unshot
Reunions, feature, cowritten with A. Scott Berg, FOX, unshot
June 1989–Mar 90
Newhart, story editor
It Was One of Us, spec movie cowritten with Claire Scovell LaZebnik
Jody Hartman and the News, Act 3 (Norman Lear), unshot
June 1990
The Simpsons, freelance episode (“One Fish Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish”)
June 1990–Nov 1990
Late Night with David Letterman
1990
Three Girls and a Genii, pilot, unshot
Jan 1991
Princesses, consultant on pilot, CBS
Feb 1991–1993
Coach, Co-Producer, Producer, ABC
Sibs, freelance episode, shot but unaired
1992
Mighty Ducks punch up
1993–1994
Murphy Brown, Supervising Producer
Fred and Frieda, spec movie, unsold
1993
The Critic, freelance episode, “A little Deb Will Do Ya”
1994
Brillstein two script deal
1994
Brillstein two script deal
The Good Stuff, pilot, ABC, unshot
Nebraska, pilot for Christine Taylor, unshot
The Bags, spec movie with Joel Hodgson, unsold
1995
Space Ghost: Coast to Coast with Joel Hodgson, freelance episode, TBS
Pandora’s Box, movie treatment, Turner Animation
1995–1996
20th Century Fox overall deal/TV pilots
Microserfs sitcom pitch with Douglas Coupland
The Love Lab, unshot
Prudy and Judy, WB
Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, with Joel Hodgson, Karey Kirkpatrick, Disney
The TV Wheel, writer, HBO
George of the Jungle, rewrite with Joel Hodgson, Disney
Jan 1996
Rudy Summers born
April 1996–1997
Sabrina the Teenage Witch, creator, Executive Producer, ABC
1997
Paul Sorvino project, rewrite, showrunner, ABC
Teen Angel, consultant, ABC
Times Like These, (live-action Jetsons) WB, unshot
May 1998
Dexter Summers born
Providence, Consulting Producer, CBS
Trust Me, spec pilot developed for Hugh Laurie, unshot
1998–1999
Nellie Bly, The Wonderful World of Disney, unshot
1999
Hayley Wagner Star, writer, director, producer, Showtime
2000
The War Next Door, three freelance episodes, USA
Hidden Celebrity Webcam (web series), creator
2001
Princess and the Pauper, cable movie, unshot
2001–2002
Charmed, Co-Executive Producer, WB
2002
Honor, pilot, Spelling Television, CBS, unshot
Split Second, pilot rewrite, Lifetime, unshot
2002–2003
Honor, pilot, Spelling Television, CBS, unshot
2002–2003
Presidio Med, Consulting Producer, CBS
2003
Without A Clue, pilot, CBS
McCloud, updated for Brett Butler, USA, unshot
Jealous Type, spec movie sold to Dimension, unshot
Behind Bars, pilot, FOX, unshot
2004
Monk, two freelance episodes, USA
The Rich Girl, pilot, CBS, unshot
2005
Same As It Never Was (became Hello Sister, Goodbye Life), ABC Family
Girl in the Curl, rewrite movie, cowritten with Andrew Hill Newman, Paramount, unshot
2006
Untitled Marley Shelton Pilot with Bruce Helford, unshot
2006
Split Decision, spec movie, unshot
Untitled Marley Shelton Pilot with Bruce Helford, unshot
2006–2007
NCIS, Consulting Producer, CBS
2007
It Was One of Us, Director, Lifetime
2008
Monk, freelance episode, USA
Mercury Rising, hourlong pilot, ABC, unshot
Sheriff, half-hour pilot, CBS, unshot
2009
Dance Lessons, cable movie rewrite, Lifetime, unshot
81st Annual Academy Awards Red Carpet preshow, ABC
2010
Man Up, half-hour pilot, ABC, unshot
2010–2012
Warehouse 13, Co-Executive Producer, Syfy
2011
Backstabber, spec movie cowritten with Tim Carvell, unsold
F8 with Mark Zuckerberg and Andy Samberg, opening sketch
2012
Lean In (book), Sheryl Sandberg
2013
Lean in (movie), Sony, unshot
Mac and Celerie, spec half-hour pilot, unsold
Last Gasp, spec drama pilot, unsold
Meet the Morales, spec animation pilot, unsold
2014
Awkward, director, episode
Win/Win web series, director
The Kennedy Center Honors, writer
2015–2016
The Muppets, Co-Executive Producer, ABC
2015
Bette Midler, “It’s the Girls!” tour, writer
2016
Option B, edited book written by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant
Mystery Science Theater 3000, “Carnival Magic,” writer
The Wand Percent, pilot, Disney Channel, unshot
2017
Trophy Sister, pilot, CBS
Acknowledgments
Sheryl Sandberg gave me a seat on her rocket ship and changed my life forever. I could not be more grateful for her friendship and all the opportunities that our working together has provided. You’d think that after collaborating with someone closely for seven years, you’d get accustomed to how they think and act, but Sheryl’s kindness, generosity, and brilliance still amaze me.
Editor Jessica Sindler was lovely and patient throughout this long process. Her guidance was invaluable. I am indebted to Julia Cheiffetz for being the first to believe in this project. And a boatload of thanks to the steady stewardship of Lynn Grady, as well as Ben Steinberg, Kendra Newton, Kell Wilson, Kelly Rudolph, Jeanne Reina, Beth Silfin, Andrea Molitor, Suet Chong, Alivia Lopez, and the rest of the team at Dey Street.
Lacy Lynch was a delight to work with and so much more than an agent. She was a partner, and I depended on her advice, sense of humor, and judgment in all matters, both creative and practical. She encouraged me and challenged me in the best possible ways. Miller/Dupree super agent Jan Miller was this book’s fairy godmother. She should write her own book. I bet she’d get
a good deal.
Jill Twiss was my first reader and has seen sentences no human should have to read. Her thoughtful and funny feedback made every chapter better. I met Lewis Friedman in 2014 and he instantly became one of my most trusted friends. Since he hadn’t heard all my stories, he proved to be an important and insightful reader. Rachel Dry is funny and wise and was there at the beginning. Laura Zigman is wise and funny and was there at the end.
Years ago, I told Barry Kemp that I was thinking of writing a memoir. He tapped his fingers against his lips and said, “You should call it ‘Just the Funny Parts.’ ” I know a good pitch when I hear it.
Alex Isley designed the cover. He is an artistic genius, as well as one of the kindest and funniest people I know. I cherish our long friendship. Robert Trachtenberg deeply understands comedy and is as good a writer as he is a photographer. I’m lucky that he shot the cover and author photo. Kurt Anderson and Anne Kreamer deserve a special thank-you for being there from the proposal to the cover selection. They were my heroes before they were my friends.
Most of my friends are writers and I leaned heavily on them. Many are mentioned in the book so I won’t double up. Some deserved to be mentioned but there wasn’t space. Lots of love and thanks to: Scott Alexander, Beth Armogida, Neena Beber, Aimee Bell, David Dreyer, Quentin Hardy, Jenny Jaffe, David Kamp, Larry Karaszewksi, Leah Krinsky, Nell Minow, Kay Oyegun, Tony Rogers, Erin Gloria Ryan, Krista Vernoff, Jessica Yellin, and James Andrew Miller, who is as brilliant as he is supportive. And heaps of gratitude to nonwriter pals Hannah Zackson, Carol Krol, Anthea Liontos, David Shaw, Ashley Zandy, Aileen Boyle, Reade Fahs, Gina Wangrycht, and Rachel Klayman for invaluable input.
